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i need help, badly


andrew boren

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Guest SomethingOrOther

How do you feel you're a burdon to Sarah at the moment, Andrew? People don't usually have to die for their partners to enter new relationships.. not in this century.

Do you think the physical pain you want to feel could be an outlet for your emotional pains? If that's the case maybe there are different outlets you can find?

I assume you believe that therapists have the power to brainwash you. I'm not sure if that is true, but I think helping you to overcome being suicidal would of course involve changing the idea that suicide is the best option you have. If that makes help the same thing as brainwash to you then, yes, you can't change your thinking without changing your thinking. But I also think nobody else can change your thinking for you. It's still your decision to try it or not.

I've felt dead a couple of times, but I never was acutely suicidal. In a way, feeling dead probably told me I don't actually want to be dead. What I want is to feel alive. Maybe life isn't going to do that for me much, but death certainly won't do that at all.

S.

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How do you feel you're a burdon to Sarah at the moment, Andrew? People don't usually have to die for their partners to enter new relationships.. not in this century.

Do you think the physical pain you want to feel could be an outlet for your emotional pains? If that's the case maybe there are different outlets you can find?

I assume you believe that therapists have the power to brainwash you. I'm not sure if that is true, but I think helping you to overcome being suicidal would of course involve changing the idea that suicide is the best option you have. If that makes help the same thing as brainwash to you then, yes, you can't change your thinking without changing your thinking. But I also think nobody else can change your thinking for you. It's still your decision to try it or not.

I've felt dead a couple of times, but I never was acutely suicidal. In a way, feeling dead probably told me I don't actually want to be dead. What I want is to feel alive. Maybe life isn't going to do that for me much, but death certainly won't do that at all.

S.

i feel im a burdon bc when i have problems i tell her, when im upset she calms me down. no therapist have the power to lock me up, they have the power to control my choices, they can take away everything i have worked for and fought for these last 8 years. my thinking is a product of sitting alone for 8 years being made fun of each and every day, when i feel dead i feel better, i dont hurt when im dead inside. and as far as the outlet, yeah ur right, the reason i was to physically hurt is bc im sick and tired of hurting inside..i know its stupid, i think logically, but to others my logic is not so logical. i know myself, im not stupid, im suisidal but i understand y. i know what is going on. i have had plenty of alone time to figure it out.. i just want this emptyness to end

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Maybe you are not a burdon and Sarah likes being your friend. Don't you think she might like the friendship you have?

I don't know who makes fun of you every day, but you could meet different people and maybe not be around those people that make fun of you anymore.

I know people who hurt themselves do that because they want to stop the pain and they want to end feeling so bad and so they think death would be good, because that makes things be over efficiently. But I think it's also true that suicidal people often only realise that half of the truth. The half that tells them what they don't want anymore. The other half is missing, though, about what people would like to be or have in their lifes. It's that the hurt pushes that half so far away, that it doesn't look like it belongs to the same reality anymore. It might even sound like a joke from that persective that I think you want to feel loved and appreciated and fullfilled, because it's so impossible. But it's important, because that's the things you won't get from suicide.

I hope this leaves you feeling okay, and I don't sound too knowitall. It's late over here, so goodnight Andrew,

S.

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Maybe you are not a burdon and Sarah likes being your friend. Don't you think she might like the friendship you have?

I don't know who makes fun of you every day, but you could meet different people and maybe not be around those people that make fun of you anymore.

I know people who hurt themselves do that because they want to stop the pain and they want to end feeling so bad and so they think death would be good, because that makes things be over efficiently. But I think it's also true that suicidal people often only realise that half of the truth. The half that tells them what they don't want anymore. The other half is missing, though, about what people would like to be or have in their lifes. It's that the hurt pushes that half so far away, that it doesn't look like it belongs to the same reality anymore. It might even sound like a joke from that persective that I think you want to feel loved and appreciated and fullfilled, because it's so impossible. But it's important, because that's the things you won't get from suicide.

I hope this leaves you feeling okay, and I don't sound too knowitall. It's late over here, so goodnight Andrew,

S.

i understand what u mean, it feels impossible to be happy, sarah got online and were talking, im calmed again. im just getting tired of hurting. and good night to you to

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Well mayby ask your friend to help and support you more, you can just be friends, my girlfriend was bullied in school for a year which is different but after she lost self confidence in herself but she built herself back up by trying to find some new friends to start fresh and then enjoying time with them to make her self feel better, now she gets on with those who bullied her apart from a few and has now got nice friends, i must seem so hard a first and every one wants to feel wanted but there our people to help you, and think of it this way although know one has the exact same probelm as you, every single person on this site has something wrong in their life their either worried or concernd about, i have a few things that make me really doubt life to but i try as hard as it is to stay postotive

Callum

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i guess that is my problem, i dont ever want to only be her friend, i agree to be her friend for now, but i always want to be her husband, i always want to be with her for the rest of my life. if she could not be so afraid of me getting threw her walls, then things would be just fine, that is what she dont like, she feels secure with the walls, and bc i can walk threw them, she gets scared, i know she loves me and she knows it to the only thing she has yet to relize is how and how much, she does not want me to hurt like she wants everyone else to after they hurt her, she gets irratated with me but never hates me, i know i have to stand by her and wait, but if i cant make it that long then what is the point? she is everything to me, and always will be, so many people tell me she is what i want now, their wrong, im sorry but sarah is the one now and 4ever.

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Andrew,

relationship or not, it would be good if you could function on your own in either case. In contrast to common belief I don't think a good relationship comes from melting two half-people together, so that they function as one. The relationship would be better, if both could also function on their own and wanted to be together instead of needing to be together.

I don't remember, are you still getting help with your feelings now? (Ah, no, because you don't feel you can open up to a therapist. I thought there was something I forgot about it :))

S.

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Andrew,

relationship or not, it would be good if you could function on your own in either case. In contrast to common belief I don't think a good relationship comes from melting two half-people together, so that they function as one. The relationship would be better, if both could also function on their own and wanted to be together instead of needing to be together.

I don't remember, are you still getting help with your feelings now? (Ah, no, because you don't feel you can open up to a therapist. I thought there was something I forgot about it :))

S.

lol answer your own question, and the reason is because they have power, give me a theropist that has no lisence no power and maybe i could open up to them. im O.D.D. so people with power are pwople that kinda set me off. i agree with the hole stand on ur own, but if anyone saw me stand on my own they would see how dead i was, i use to stand on my own, but i was not happy not say, did not hurt, had no energy, no motivation,i went to school each day, came home and got on runescape to excape this world. it was like i was dead already

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The thing is, Andrew, a therapist is just your employee. They work for you, not the other way around. They have training, but "authority"? The way I see it, the person with the authority is the one who can say "You're fired." :-)

You say that when you stood on your own, it was like you were dead already.

But isn't death the solution you're proposing now?

The thing with death is that you don't get to try a different alternative, if that one doesn't work for you. With life, you get to try something different. Like, how to stand on your own without feeling dead ...

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i understand how u think they have no "power" but they do, i was dateing a girl i thought was 16, she was lieing to me abt her age and even she did not look 14, when i found out the truth i broke it off with her, but my theropist thought i had nude pictures of her on my pc so she turned me in, had all the computers in the house taken, and searched, i could have ended up with charges, had to register as a sex offender for 10 years my life as i know i could have been destroyed, and i probally would be dead, but nothing happened, i can not trust them bc the second they think something they can do that, not even any proof, just the thought. and the cops can get a search warrent...come on now. with my being O.D.D. their is no way i can let one of them in my life, i know what they are capable of

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lol answer your own question, and the reason is because they have power, give me a theropist that has no lisence no power and maybe i could open up to them. im O.D.D. so people with power are pwople that kinda set me off. i agree with the hole stand on ur own, but if anyone saw me stand on my own they would see how dead i was, i use to stand on my own, but i was not happy not say, did not hurt, had no energy, no motivation,i went to school each day, came home and got on runescape to excape this world. it was like i was dead already

I spent a while like that, going to school and watching TV. I had people around to talk with in school, but didn't feel close to, and we would meet every other weekend or so and go to the cinema. Apart from that I don't remember doing anything. I had good friends until I was about 16, though, they just decided I was boring at some point. I found it helped me to open up to people on the internet anonymously. It also helped to get finished with school and do something else. And after that it also helped to start studying and live elsewhere, so that I met all of the friends I have now. I still have problems with depression, but I didn't feel dead the whole time.

Do you think it would help to make a clear plan of what you can tell a therapist, without allowing them to do anything against your will?

S.

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Are you sure it was your therapist who involved the police?

Have you thought about making a complaint about professional misconduct?

I know you are no friend of authorities, but a good thing about them is that there's often further authorities above them. Do you think that might help you put therapists into a manageable perspective?

I don't think assuming you might have pictures of a nude child is quite enough to justify those actions. I also think a complaint might not lead to an official change of things, but maybe a personal one.

S.

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what i really need is a professional w/o a lisence, thats the only way i could ever get help, but i doubt their are many of them. im to afraid to open up to them, they almost ruined my life once, i dont want to take that chance again, yes i might view my life as sucky and want to die all the time, but each day i see sarah or talk to sarah all that goes away. i found out from her she still wants me, and the only problem is that she cant trust me yet, not after everything that happened bc she lied to me, i wont lie, its my fault to, but it all started from one lie, thats y the truth is always best. once i thought she might have been lieing to me i went threw her emails, nothing in the emails but past realtionships i did not know about, so i asked and she got mad, and she ended up telling me the truth and yeah it hurt badly, i wanted to die and i was probally gonna do it, but she started to cry bc she does not want to loose me, and it stoped me from killing myself, but she does want me thats y she is talking to me and working things out again.

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pretty much, when i loose her i loose myself, i start to destroy this world arround me in my head and make sure i mean nothing, it scared her to be on cam with me just keep telling myself i did not matter, i was worthless, and no matter how hard she told me that i was wrong i kept destroying myself

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Ha well, but then the correct answer is No, cause no matter what she says you'll just think what you want anyway.

Don't you agree that there is not that much she can do, other than trying to be there for you, and ALL the rest is what only you can change about your self-image?

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How does she help you stop thinking? Maybe you could learn to do that for yourself? I imagine to stop thinking helps you because your thinking is mostly negative. You wouldn't have to stop thinking so much, if you had more positive thoughts about yourself. What kind of opinions do you have that don't matter?

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every one of my thoughts dont matter, i am but a tool, a slave, i do what people tell me to. i do not matter unless im making someones life better, i am but a worthless tool right now. i left liz last night, im gonna be alone. i feel like crud and all im doing is making peoples lives worse. its best if im alone right now, it stops me frrom hurting others and trying to grab ahold of them to keep me safe. if im gonna make it out alive ill do it on my own, if i cant do it then so be it.

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Andrew, this is an interesting sort of twist in your thinking:

my self image says my own oppionions dont matter

Can you see that your "self image" itself is just your opinion?

If your opinion doesn't matter, then neither do all these awful things you're telling yourself!

You would be making someone's life better. In fact, the only person whose life you can make better: yours.

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