i need help, badly

[andrew boren]

yes it is an interesting twist,my own positive thoughts dont matter is what i should have said, bc from understanding myself when i say im worthless i believe it, when i say i am ugly i believe it, it hurts, but when i try to tell myself the opposite nothing...it did not matter how much i say it, unless someone else says it to me

[malign]

But even if other people say "You're not worthless!" it doesn't really count, either. Except maybe for the one person you're fixated on. And even there, you describe yourself still tearing yourself down.

It seems to me that you need some objective way to decide this, as opinions always seem to be in question.

[andrew boren]

the key to answering that question is threw both their oppionion and their actions. when people tell me in not ugly or they love me, or i mean everything to them, they dont show it to, all i see are the words

[malign]

Do you really want to mean "everything" to someone?

I'd rather be their friend ... otherwise, I have this huge obligation to be their "everything" ... What if I move away, or die? It would be much better if they were their "everything", and I was just a person they liked.

Most things in life aren't all or nothing, or there would be fewer things. :-)

[58corvette]

Andrew;

You are Important, You are Good & your Not alone. Please continue to Vent & Express your Feelings. I know somehow I must & im 52yrs. old. I to still feel very lost, scared & all alone.

As long as you & I continue to be able to Post; along with others who also listen, care & relate; there is Always Hope!!!

[andrew boren]

honestly yes i want to be her everything, see i dont take burdons like most people do, got someone to need me makes me matter, makes me happy, if sarah depended on me, i would be so happy, if sarah wanted to be with me and keep me to herself, i would never be able to ask for more. it girls who do make me their everything take like 2-7 days to do so and honestly they have issues of their own, they attach themselfs to be bc i understand them bc i want to help them break threw their problems. but im not really their everything, bc they deside to give up when i told them i dont want to be with them i want sarah.

[malign]

Well, okay, but why?

Why can only Sarah be your everything?

I think I was confused by a lot of what you just wrote. Could you say it again, more slowly?

[andrew boren]

i dont know if anyone notices the words got, and it, when alot of things are running threw my mind i tend to start typeing them while typing other things, kinda like a pump that is pumping water one way but has a leak. sarah just got offline and when she does she does not talk to me, i become nothing, she messages everyone else in this world on her cell but i mean nothing and so alot poped up in my mind at once, sorry

[andrew boren]

currently i have 2 girls who tell me im their everything, that they want me and wish they could have me and everything, when i first meet them they did not like me, but after about 4 days they were attached to me, they have alot of issues of their own, and bc im the careing person i am, i listen and help them. they asked to date me and i told them no, so now they are going after diffrent guys but makeing me their everything still, so now i get to here about other guys hurting them. they dont really love me and want me, im an amazeing guy, at least i once thought that, and people can open up to me and feel safe about it, bc fact one my oppionion dont matter so i dont say it, i listen and speak threw my heart, i make them feel better. they need my help, but they dont need me

[andrew boren]

Well, okay, but why?

Why can only Sarah be your everything?

I think I was confused by a lot of what you just wrote. Could you say it again, more slowly?

sarah is the only one who can be my everything bc she is, sarah does love me, i know it, and i love her with all that i am, she is the best to me, maybe not to everyone else but i love sarah for everything, the way she studders, or that sarcastic smile, the way she watches tv and forgets the world. i love everything...she is the girl i want to marry, no other...i know im young, but i live as if i was 50, i live my life like today is my last day to be alive. and i know for sure that when i am 40+ i want here lying next to me when i sleep, i want to see her smile at me when i wake up and tell me she loves me.. sarah is my world..its only bc of her that the world does turn.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi Andrew,

I think it's good you try to get out of this on your own. That's better than making your life entirely dependent on others, it doesn't mean you have to push other people away, though. Do those people in your life support you, too, or is it mainly you helping them with their problems?

To me it sounds like what you mean by your opinions that don't matter, is that you don't pass judgement and that might be why people like you.

Also, I thought about a hammer and how it spents the vast majority of its time unoccupied in a cupboard. That doesn't make it a worthless tool. It's strange how fast the peace of mind you get from Sarah evaporates when she's not there. You describe it like as soon as it's over, it never happened. Is that how it feels?

S.

[andrew boren]

yes it is how it feels, once she is gone its like everything went with her. they try to support me, but when they start trying i tear them apart, i cant stop from tearing others apart when im in this state of mind. so right now i am pushing them away and the only person i cant do it to, the only person who holds the keys to me, is sarah.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

How do they try to support you and what do you gain by tearing them apart?

[andrew boren]

How do they try to support you and what do you gain by tearing them apart?

sorry its been so long, i got to a point of trying to end everything, im glad it didn't work, i meet some new people, more friends, found some things to take my mind off things.

to answer the question you had asked, they support me by talking to me, not letting me hold it all in. sarah is the best abt this, always being their talking to me when im upset, or mad. i gain nothing by tearing them apart, i dont want to do it, i just go off on them and end up hurting them

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I had asked because I thought it's easier to change what you do if you know why you do it. Maybe you can think about a different way to act in these situations and then try if they work when it happens? Maybe you could describe how you feel, instead?

That is good news about meeting more friends and ways to take your mind off things, I hope this will help you feel better and give you some new perspectives. :-)

(I'm not here much at the moment.)

Take care,

S.

[andrew boren]

I had asked because I thought it's easier to change what you do if you know why you do it. Maybe you can think about a different way to act in these situations and then try if they work when it happens? Maybe you could describe how you feel, instead?

That is good news about meeting more friends and ways to take your mind off things, I hope this will help you feel better and give you some new perspectives. :-)

(I'm not here much at the moment.)

Take care,

S.

thank you, no when im going threw one of my break down periods, if someone tries to tell me the opposite i will end up going off on them, except for sarah

when she fights my mind its like she wins the war right away normally

[andrew boren]

well wanted to let everyone know im still alive, i guaduated devry im working at caseys now, i still have problems with the hole sarah topic, i still want to end my life, im becoming more distant from everyone, im so lost and confused, i just cant believe i can mean anything anymore, and here for the last month the thing i have driven into my head is no girl on this planet would ever want to have sex with me, im 20 and still a virgin, i found out my mom cheated on her bf and slept with another man, she can find someone who wants her like that but i cant, everyone wants me for a while, then they date me then they relize what they loved was the idea of me not me myself, i feel like crap constantly, i asked sarah today,"i know u get tired of hearing this but can u honestly say im fuckable?" and she replyed yes, but i cant believe it, i cant believe i can satisfy a girl like that, i may know alot but what good does knowlege do me, im tired of feeling like the hole world has outcasted me, i have a gf have had for 8 months, and i still cant believe she loves me like she says she does, i feel like shes with me bc no one else would want to be with her, i wish i could drink today and just forget today, but i cant im underage and wont do that, i still love sarah but im getting to the point i wont be able to come back from, any advice?