My Thought. -May Be Offensive.

[Kara_Love]

If two plus two is four and four plus four is eight, then where does that leave eight? Single digits, doubled, fascination. Forgotten, not deprived, spoiled, and not forgotten. Left alone, that's what they want... no, they seek attention and forgotten praise. Everything is simply mind over matter. Think, see, acknowledge, register, react. Think, see, react... react, react, react. Over-consumption, careless, free... really? Who wasn't... who is, who never thought they could be. Reach in, grab what you need, rip everything else to pieces, laugh. Anger, anger, anger, react. Too much reaction leads to suffering, though not to self absorbers, no; to everything beyond, and before. Shaking, thinking, see. See what has been witnessed. Swallow the guilt, swallow the sickness that's rising in your throat; you're a big girl now. Poke it, mock its ridiculous demise, and beg the saints for your own. Everything seems brighter on the other side... yet it's blinding on the side of start... so what could possibly fuel the attraction?

You wouldn't know.

Flash, simmer, think, think, think see. See what has become of the world, of life, of death, and your personality disorder. See, react. See, fear. See, believe, and you're dead. Can't believe, no, no, no. Believing is for those with hope, with trust, with more in life for them than a mission. Mission; destroy. Mission; gain, lose, gain, win. Losing has become the hobby for the innocent being within the soul. Nothing could compare, nothing could revive the stricken desire to gain, and to continue the pursuit of attraction, lust, and humiliation on others' parts. Warmth, comfort... No! Childish moments seem as simplicity, but can no longer escape. Changing, changing, changing, react.

Fingers cramping, though not from exhaust, simply itching to lose control, to burn a fire through their hearts, to leave an indexed trace along her face, then laugh hideously to the sky. You cannot imagine what could possibly dwell inside this body, inside this shell of human skin. I dare you...

I just fucking dare you.

Flash, flash, flash like the memories... goodbye. Flash like the longing of fading faces... goodbye. Flash like the moments captured that were too real, too honest to be captured by film, only in the mind... goodbye.

Flashes fill my thoughts, like flashbacks before death. Fleeting and seething, dying yet breathing. Surrounded by moments of truth, moments of weakness, and moments of what could have, should have, but never will be... real. I will be alright.

Bipolar Personality Disorder... want to sell.

Attention Deficit Disorder... want to sell.

Humanity... wants to die.

But that's alright, that's okay, tomorrow wont matter as much as the yesterdays, and tomorrow is what counts the most. Today could die, yesterday was just along for the rise... but tomorrow... oh, tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day that judges everything. Every tomorrow will judge how you feel; judge how others feel... reaction. Though really, how another reacts is solely up to you. You do, in fact, create this world around you... have you not figured that out yet? You've created everything, the earth, planets, whatever you may need to keep you (in your mind) sane. When you gaze upon a flower, why is it purple? Is that the actual colour? What are actual colours? You've made them up, darling. You've made up everything around you.... the people who choose to be around you, don't have a choice... in fact, they merely exist only in your mind. They're just paws, pawns in your little world for you to toy with, watch suffer and wither endlessly until you get bored and whip them away. It’s out of sight, out of mind, and literally, out of this world. Narcissistic bitch.

Sociopathic thoughts rock my world.

React, react, react. Think, fuck, lose everything inside, but gain more than you could imagine. Freedom, careless abilities... pain could no longer be an issue, the emotion of hurt or struggle seems distant, as though is had never dared to imprint before. Past? What past? I've never heard of such nonsense. It's all now, and now, and now, and now, and of course... now. Don't forget tomorrow. Judgment day will seize what you need, but you need to pass the text to ensure complete satisfactory. Tomorrow will slit your throat wide open and gaze at all of the suppressed sickness, so swallow it all down. Deeper, deeper, and now you're free to react. It's all about skill, and heartlessness. Lose everything and gain the world, in the mother-fucking palm of your hand.

Mmm metaphysics and mouse guts.

They think I'm crazy, but I know I have it all figured out.

[Symora]

Hi Kara, There is a lot going on in that brain of yours my dear, you are very creative. If you had to pull all of that together into one or two sentences, what do you think you would be trying to say?

[Kara_Love]

Two sentences: I'm fucked up, I think too much. Our own world is our control, but I cant seem to grasp it.

[Symora]

Short and sweet, I like it. Actually I don't really like that you tell yourself you're fucked up It's one of those generalization things that does not take into account that you are also a loving, sweet person who is struggling with a mental illness. As far as the too much thinking, I think we are all guilty of that... I know I am. I can overanalyse the crap out of almost anything :-)

It sounds like your mental health issues are making it difficult for you to discern what is really happening to you and how you should handle it. That must be a difficult place to be. I'm in Canada as well but I've never had to deal with mental health institutions so I don't have a reference point.... I wish the stigma to mental illness would disappear, but I don't think that will happen tomorrow, which only makes it more difficult.... I'm so sorry you have to live this...

I'm not a professional so I have no great advice to offer, but I can feel that you are just a normal person who is struggling to make sense of the maelstrom in your head. Hang in there, we are here to support you and encourage you, and perhaps help you put a little clarity into your jumbled thoughts. Be well Kara...

[Kara_Love]

The doctors told me I'm not a sweet and loving person though. They say I'm full of rage and hate, and I will only hurt those around me.

Thank you for your support. It's strange that someone who doesn't know me gives me more faith and input than the people I pay to care.

Am I really a "normal" person?

[malign]

"Normal" is meaningless.

But you can tell if you're full of rage and hate, and whether you're a danger to yourself or others.

I'd say that considering removing your own hand would be a warning sign, though.

How do you see yourself?

[Kara_Love]

I see myself as fake. I'm so nice and happy all the time, drives me insane. And to clarify, I didn't fully remove it, just tried real hard with a knife. Turns out bone is hard to saw through.

Me as a person, I know I'm angry and fed up, but I think it's justifyable. I do despise a lot of people, but I have to be nice.

[mscat]

I see myself as fake. I'm so nice and happy all the time, drives me insane. And to clarify, I didn't fully remove it, just tried real hard with a knife. Turns out bone is hard to saw through.

Me as a person, I know I'm angry and fed up, but I think it's justifyable. I do despise a lot of people, but I have to be nice.

Yeah , have to be nice to others , However, treating yourself as horrible, and terrible is not a good idea. SI is not the answer , because it only wants a person to do it more and more, like an addiction. Plus , it is harder to resist it, & not to mention the consequences it has later.

DO you talk to a therapist? MEds ? Both combined could help you sort out your feelings and thoughts , even if u do not like to go.

I'll tell you something personal, Kara, not to give u ideas , but to realise that SI is bad, very bad and very severe for me as well.

I've lost mobility because of it , had to be in countless surgries because of it , had to deal with the same DR's and surgeons who look at me and to see their faces , I hate it ... just hate it. what are they thinking about my self inflicted injuries, and soooo many fuckin times .

I am going to be a hypocrite , because it is so much easier to help others who have the sasme issues as me... SI is not the way to go . It is like placing a bandaid on yourself . Does not do any good in the long run. Only promotes more suffering and pain on the outside and physically . THEN their are always the too many questions as to WHY? WHy did u do it to yourself, and the stupid questions , remember these three words, and then asked to repeat them 2 min later. STUPID, stupid , questions.

Anyhow, I am a hypocrite for telling u not to harm yourself , but I do know that it is only a temporary fix for all the emotional pain internally that seeps out externally at times.

Take care of you injuries. GO to the ER , if your hand is severely fucked up . You do not want to lose your hand over infection , and infection can kill u .

I understand where your coming from, at least I think so . Please be careful and gentle with yourself.

mscat