You must read this book

[Hunter]

I WASN'T READY TO SAY GOODBYE

BROOK NOEL AND DR. PAMELA BLAIR

My therapist gave me his copy and it is a life saver. When my dad died I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown and have to be committed to a mental hospital, yeah that is how bad I was.

After reading this book everything that I was going through was perfectly normal and expected in the grieving process. I don't feel so out of control since reading this book.

I have since bought my own book and copies for everyone in my family and it was the best thing for us.

Please if you are grieving, you absolutely need this book.

It has helped in my grieving process and progress so much.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Hunter,

Unfortunately, in this modern world of ours we have come to believe that grief at the loss of a dealy loved on is abnormal. I am sorry you thought you were going crazy at the time and I am pleased the book helped you so much. Thank you with sharing with us.

Allan:)

[Jetliner]

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Edited November 1, 2010 by Jetliner
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[I_WMD]

what you're thinking and feeling is perfectly normal, even if it doesn't feel so.

As Jetliner says here Hunter.....

I am so glad you found something that could re-assure you that you weren't going/going to go crazy .

I'll sometime soon post in this forum about my experience,,, but not here in your thread. I was wondering though [ being new here ] if you were a caregiver also?

{{{{{{{{ gentle hugs }}}}}}}}

Take Care , and your time.

WMD.

[katleen]

Am sooo sorry for your loss. I know about the crazies, too. I hope you'll talk about it more here. Do be so very good and kind to yourself.

Me, too. The last two years have been sooo hard. Grieving much, two parents a nephew to suicide with so much more around it that, well,, I finally landed in the hospital thinking I was suicidal myself. Had a brother do the same maybe 17 yrs ago or so, and two cousins before that. All, I'm sure, around abuse and mental health? issues. Also know beyond a doubt that I am BPD on top of depression and PTSD. WOW!!!

But, somehow or another, when I take a good look at ?reality)

at least all the other things people deal with, I have every thing I ever really wanted. A loving family and friends. Lots of sparks between us at times, but all opportunities for growth. And so much hope for my children and grandbabies.

Hearing others have like experiences didn't happen when I was young. We were freaks. It took five years to know my panic attacks had reason and didn't mean imminent death.Your sharing, and everyone elses, is so appreciated.

katleen:)

[Hunter]

Yes I was a caregiver for my dad, I would drive to see him and take care of him, he lived two hours away.

Now that dad is gone, I have the unfortunate task of taking care of my elderly mother and she is causing me so much grief. I cook her meals, do her laundry, make sure she takes her pills, insulin and is on oxygen day and night, and what do I get in return but verbal and physical abuse.

As I write this today, she attacked me verbally and physically, I am at my wits end and I am calling the psychiatric center tomorrow to see what can be done to her, she is threatening suicide by taking a overdose of insulin, so I have hid her insulin and all her pills, so this does not happen.

I dont know what to do, my life with my husband is at the point where it is greatly suffering and I dont know how much of this abuse I can take.

I made my dad a deathbed promise to take care of her, but not like this, not like this at all.

I am currently going through so many issues, grief, abuse from my mom and brother who molested me and my mother allowed it to happen. And issues from a abusive relationship too. I can't add this to my plate, I just emotionally cant deal with it.

Can anyone offer any help?

PLease I am in desperate need.

I may even call the hospital to pick her up and then leave her there. I am also trying to get her evaluated by a mental health person.

thanks

[katleen]

You have your hands full! My sister cared for my Mom for many years when she was mentally ill' I don't know how because she also could be quite mean, disoriented, scary. As dementia set, she finally realized Mom's care had gone beyond her abilities. Don't be ashamed to ask for serious help, and know what you've done til now is a precious gift. Caregiving is very difficult at times. Remember to care for yourself, you are just as important as your Mom.

Love,

katleen

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Hunter,

You must call the psychiatric center immediately. I have no way of knowing what is wrong with your mother but something is clearly wrong. She could be having a diabetic psychosis, she could have dementia and etc. However, it seems to me that she is well past the time when you can help. I do not say this lightly but you and your husband have a right to live your lives. She may need to be cared for in some type of nuring home facililty. I don't know what nation you live in and what your options are but you must look into it immediately. You could begin with her MD or yours.

Allan:(

[Symora]

Hi Hunter, What you are doing for your Mum is commendable, but there are limits to how much 1 person can do. Taking care of someone does not mean that you have to be the sole caregiver. There are many types of facilities and services that are available today. When it gets to the point where everyone is going down, then it's time to change strategy....

I know that we received help from a social worker when my grandmother got to the point where we needed to find care options for her. Are you working with social services to determine what options would be open to you??? It's one of those situations where you need to be assertive and firm. If you are too kind and mushy, you will be taken advantage of and even blamed. Does your husband have any advice to give? He is more of an observer in the situation and may have objective insights into what could be done...

[Hunter]

I sat down with mom today and had a heart to heart talk about the way she was treating me and I told her that I was not allowing it anymore. I told her that I was taking her to a doctor to get her meds checked out, but really I got a emergency meeting with a mental health worker. Apparently mom has never properly grieved for dad and she has underlying mental health issues. They have put her on some antidepressants and are making her see a mental health worker two times per week. If she refuses to go then I call them back and have her committed as she is threatening to harm herself.

So I wll see how it goes.

I also called a family meeting with my three other siblings and told them that as of today I was no longer doing this on my own. I gave each person a calendar of what they had to do for her and when they can pick her up and take her out on outings. If they fail to help me then again I will call and have mom picked up and placed in a mental health facilty.

I am hoping that the meds will help her control her anger and her moods and her suicide threats.

In the meantime I have my own therapist who is helping me out greatly. Without him, I honestly could not handle the life that I have lived. He provides me with a safe place and a safer person to tell him my struggles.

So today is a much better day, compared to yesterday when I was feeling so out of control and so angry.

thanks for all your comments

[xenophon]

Insofar as the loss of loved ones are concerned - and I have lost most of mine - it is "normal" to feel terrible. There would be, I think, something unusual going on if you did not feel terrible. The idea that someone may be simply go on as if nothing serious happened is quite unrealistic.

I felt terrible. Nowadays, I don't feel terrible. And, that is OK as well.

[Syates]

I really can't thank this site enough. I just recently joined and I am so glad I did.

I bought this book while looking for answers a few months back. My mother passed away December 14,2010 on my son's 13th birthday. It really has helped me to relate to the scenarios within the book. My family and I moved to my mom and dads house to help my dad. He is 82 and still able to do some things but not everything. Especially now that my mom is not woth us. I don't know where to start!

[dburney]

Hunter - way to go. Kudos for standing up for yourself. Just remember to take care of yourself. You have to go through the grieving process as well. I understand what it's like to be mental and to live with all that emotional instability. And you just want to break that cycle. A book that has really helped me is "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. Loss of love, loss of life, loss of a job, it's all abandonment and has similar emotional effects. This really allowed me to get to the root of grievances that I hadn't fully addressed, even as a kid. Take care - I wish the best for you.