30-yr-old virgin and regretting it

[kristin]

Hi, I was raised religious and was constantly given the message "Don't have sex before marriage", so when I was approx. age 15-25 and dating a lot of good guys, we did everything but sex. Then from around 25-now (30) I have fallen into a depression and consequently not been able to date any good guys anymore. Also, as a consequence of my depression and hating life, I don't feel so religious any more although I still attend church regularly as it is the only tie between my now and my past, and this place and all my other worlds I've lived in. So I've basically decided it is really important to me to lose my virginity, as soon as I can. But I'm not a risk taker and I'm very afraid of a lot of things, including STDs. Which is why I wish I'd done it with those younger guys when I was younger. And I'm very angry with my parents for setting me up for this -- they never even considered what if I don't get married. I feel like a social contract was broken, because I did everything they said and here I am, 30 and a virgin, when I feel like a husband and children were an implicit promise of my childhood.

I really regret I didn't lose my virginity with any of those sweet boyfriends I had when I was younger. Now I feel like it's a weight hanging around my neck, and I'm scared, because older relationships move much faster. I also almost did it last year with my old roommate but chickened out at the last minute, even though I do want to lose it now but he was more a FWB than a boyfriend so I wasn't sure if I could handle it mentally. To help myself prepare, I just today got the first in the series of 3 HPV vaccines. My insurance wouldn't pay and that made me so mad, they only pay up to age 26 and after that they assume you already have it! Well, maybe the average 26-year-old has already been exposed, but I was tested (for other contact) and don't have it and my doctor said the vaccine helps older people too. I was so embarrassed to ask her, too. I was so embarrassed to say I was a virgin and so can I please get the HPV vaccine. And our culture makes it shameful-- even the insurance companies are basically saying they expect everyone to be either settled by age 26, or to have slept with so many people that they already have HPV by age 26. Anyway I decided to get the vaccine anyway, because I think it will ease a lot of my STD anxiety so that I can feel more comfortable when the chance comes to lose my virginity.

Thanks for this forum; it is exactly what I need! I'm even too embarrassed to tell my therapist these things (mostly because pretty much everyone who lives around me here really really hates religion, they are always making fun of religious people, I'm serious, it is so awful -- so I feel like my story would add fuel to the fire since I had a religious upbringing that started this whole thing. Even though I have a lot of problems with it I still respect my religion, so I don't want outsiders hating on it, it offends me).

[IrmaJean]

Hi Kristin.

I don't think there is any shame in following your religious beliefs or waiting for the right person. I've always viewed sexual relations as sacred so it makes sense to me to choose carefully who you share yourself with.

I hope that you consider sharing this with your therapist. A therapist shouldn't judge you, for anything. If you have been experiencing some distressful feelings around this then it seems a topic worth bringing up in therapy. I can relate to the feelings of embarrassment. It's hard sharing something so private and personal. But I believe disclosing such things about yourself may strengthen the therapeutic relationship which would also serve you positively.

I'm sorry this has been upsetting for you. I hope you are able to discuss your feelings around this with your therapist and that doing so proves to be helpful. In the meantime, feel free to share more here if you feel comfortable with doing so. I hope you feel better about this soon.

[Guest GingerSnap]

Insurance companies just pick arbitrary numbers based on averages. I don't understand the whole HPV thing but thought it was very limited in what it actually prevents but thought it was just the one virus. I actually entered the military when I was 20 years old and among 45 females, only 3 admitted to being virgins but many more were - too bad one has to be ashamed of being a virgin these days. If you were my daughter I would tell you.......but you aren't and I guess you have made your decision. Virginity was very difficult for me to give up, not only for religious purposes but just because it seemed really opening up and being more vulnerable than I wanted to be with, well, everyone. I had seen so many girls, give it up, be used and dropped in line for the next guy to use. You know that marriage and kids could still just be around the corner for you - 30 is so young yet and I know it doesn't seem like it but I'm almost 56 (feel like 20 in my head, older in the joints in the morning) and 30 seems likes centuries ago. My son was a virgin until 27 when he met his wife and he wasn't ashamed of it and did not keep it a secret - OK, he is unusual but he is mine. Whatever you ultimately decide, please be safe.

[kristin]

Thanks so much for your gentle replies! In regards to telling my therapist, I'm not worried about her judging me, as much as I'm worried about her judging my whole religion. In the place where I live, the zeitgeist is outspoken religion-hating. Even though my therapist is nice and respectful, she has misconstrued the things I've told her about my church, and I can tell she stores these topics in the place in her head where stereotypes reside, as she has no frame of reference for religion. And most of the other people I know around here would hear what I say and think "yay another reason to hate religion." I don't want to fuel the stereotype that I try so hard to overturn.

In regards to HPV, the vaccine protects against 4 HPV strains, but there are ~10-20 more. But those 4 are common, and they can lead to warts and cancer. The vaccine works for any age but only if you don't have those 4 HPV strains yet (I got tested and had none). And up to 80% of adults have some form of HPV at least once in their life (but most don't lead to cancer, and pap smears are to detect cancerous cells), so insurance companies assume everyone already has been exposed by age 26, or is already in a monogamous relationship by then. (BTW, guys can get vaccinated too -- they don't get cervical cancer obviously, but that way they can prevent getting it and passing it on.) So anyway, since I'm usually interested in older and experienced guys, I thought I'd get the vaccine so I don't have to worry. (I used to not spend money on myself, but now that I've experienced the depths of depression and not wanting to live, I figure since insurance wouldn't pay I should use my money to feel better and not worry so much.)

For me the thing about giving up my virginity is that, at this point, I think it would make me feel more comfortable dating guys my age. Because as it is right now, I feel like I'm not a real adult, and like there's always something I'm missing. Also, since my whole teenhood consisted of "don't have sex before marriage," and now it's 15 years later and I still haven't, it's gotten so crazy in my mind -- like that message has morphed into "get married and then you'll be an adult and you'll be okay", so I just want to get past that by being an adult in my own way. And I know it's not going to be so amazing as to fix all my problems, but that's what the whole getting-married thing has started to be for me, and so I just want to have sex so I can be a normal adult my age. Marriage won't change my problems, so I'm not waiting for it any more. The longer I wait for sex, the bigger it gets built up in my mind and I know it's not all that -- I know lots of people have problems, so I just want to join in the game and get started before it's too late! I mean, I've already exposed myself to STDs, doing everything but actual sex, and I've been intimate and reached that plane with guys, so it just seems so lame now that I never actually went all the way. My mom always said "don't have sex before marriage" but if the reason was to keep me from intimacy (I know we're not being explicit here) or disease risk, I've already been there, so I just really wish I had gone farther, instead of being this weird freak. I'm not shy, I'm not a prude, I'm not that religious anymore, but it's going to sound like that the guys I want to be with find out I'm a virgin.

So it's just this awful legacy I've inherited. I've been waiting all my life for things to get better -- my childhood filled with "someday when you're a mommy..." and my teenhood filled with "don't have sex before marriage" was like a promise that a husband and children would fix everything for me, like I just have to wait for that and then everything will be okay. But it hasn't happened and I'm not okay but I just have to become okay on my own, so I've rejected those messages as setting me up for misery, and I just want to fit in and belong so I can become more like a real person, so I can become close to people and just be a normal 30-something woman.

Thanks so much for listening! I'm going to visit my parents, siblings, grandmas, aunts, uncles, and cousins next week -- my whole extended family is very religious, and most of my cousins got married in their early 20s and have children, and still live in the areas where they grew up. Babies are the currency of my family -- no one understands my life (well, who understands grad school anyway?) -- I'm at the bottom of the totem pole with them, since I have no children to offer and am unhappy and single. I'm trying to work through all this so I can be at peace with my family, as I really do love them! :cool:

[LaLa]

Hello, Kristin,

I think it's very fine that you decided for this change despite of any potential fears about what would your mother think! To pay the vaccine for you is a very good starting point!

And I see it's all important to you mainly from the site of "getting the feeling you're an adult already". I just hope you will not act somehow "extreemly" and "loose it with almost anybody"... It's true that the one you'll once marry doesn't have to be your first, but... chosing the first one only with some "too mild" criteria, could lead to disappointment. (I don't suppose you will do so, I only write what comes to my mind...)

I don't understand how could a normal man (-and why to be interested to another?) feel anyhow bad about you being virgin. I think you overestimate this aspect.

I'm at the bottom of the totem pole with them, since I have no children to offer and am unhappy and single.

That's always sad when people have prejudices and their own "schemes" about how life has to look like and then don't accept anybody who doesn't "fit" them! But you know your truth, you have your therapist, you started to work on your happiness... this is just more important to you than what others think.

I'm not worried about her judging me, as much as I'm worried about her judging my whole religion

I'm sure she knows already very well what religion says about sex and how it can sometimes damage human lifes, thus you don't have to worry to influence her, to change her opinion to "a worse". Why do you care about what she will think about religion "because of you"? I suppose you would feel guilty (?). But... there would be nothing to feel guilty about! She's there for you, whatever you need to say! Anything of what you say, as you do it because she wants to help you and you want the help, couldn't be seen as a reason for shame, guilt, ... Don't you think so? ;-)

Good luck!

P.S.:

well, who understands grad school anyway?

(or, better, ) I'm a PhD student; I can relate to this comment!

[kristin]

Hey Lala -- thanks! I'm doing a PhD too!

Don't worry, I'm not going to do something stupid -- like I said I'm not a risk-taker, but since waiting for my "husband" seems too big and also puts too much pressure on that search, I'm just waiting for one of the guys in my life who I look up to and trust and feel comfortable with, and for the time to be right. (The only thing I was worried about revealing my virginity was to convince him to not be pressured by that -- all the guys I know are super sweet and respectful so no one is going to take advantage of me, quite the opposite, they're very protective of me!) Anyway, I don't have anything planned right now, just I know the opportunity will come up again sometime so I'm preparing.

I know my family has good intentions, but the message has become, in my mind, "I'm not a real adult until I get married and have kids" -- I'm working on overcoming this with my therapist and I think the virginity is just a block to my growth. This "Limbo" of always waiting for the mythical "future" to fix all my problems is a major theme in my therapy. So now I'm trying to make my current actual life the one I want to be, as the future I always hoped for is no where close to happening -- and that future is not going to be perfect anyway, so why set it up like that?

I will consider what you said about my therapist and the religion side. I'm wary of allowing the anti-religion hate to propagate, but she is a respectful woman so you're right, she would probably just try to help me for my sake. Thanks!

[Calla]

Hi there, society these days has things so set out that we feel we need to conform.. But it is so special I think to be individual and do things how you feel. I was a much later than my friends when it came to sex and I was actually quite proud. But I can understand how it makes you feel.

The HPV has only just been introduced here in the UK to much controversy!! And only until the age of about 18 I think, so even younger. They think it will encourage people to not behave responsibly.

Anyway, it may seem like something you want to do to move on. But I'm not convinced it will make you feel better. I think unless it's with someone special you may feel worse for just giving it away. I know how it feels.....I am 34 and people think I should be married and a mother by now. It doesn;t make you not a normal 30 something woman, sex is just a small part of the whole life journey. And in the world we live in now there are so many different people and paths that they choose.

[Calla]

Sorry i just saw your last reply and glad you will wait for someone special

[kristin]

Hey Calla, thanks for sharing your reply, it is inspirational about the different paths we choose! However, my mom chose this path for me, and I was a very obedient child. I always thought authority figures knew what was best for me. I look up to people. However, after a lot of struggles and depression (still on-going), now I am finally starting to see how this path is not working for me, and I am finally declaring my own path.

Yeah but don't worry about me -- maybe not someone super special, definitely not my husband since I'm not even close to dating anyone right now, but definitely not some random guy -- I am very neurotic, deliberate, slow-moving, slow-deciding -- no worries! Even though I'm posting this now it will probably take me months/year(? ) to find the right guy/moment. And I have already been intimate with guys, just not all the way, so I already know how I feel between boyfriends, friends, FWBs, etc. And from this I agree that I would feel worse if it was a random guy. And I'm very afraid of STDs, which makes it that much worse that I waited because now a lot of these guys have been with a lot of people. So it will definitely be a guy I trust, feel comfortable with, and can talk to. So it will still be a while, but I'm just saying, even with these guys I feel comfortable with, none of them will be marrying me anytime soon -- and I'm not going to wait for that! :cool:

I wish I hadn't waited so long to figure all this out, because problems just get more complicated the longer they sit. Dating is actually a lot harder now because it seems like it gets serious a lot faster -- when I was younger I just had fun with it, so I regret that I didn't have MORE fun with it, at least after ~22/23 when I was with some good guys and was probably ready, but still had my childhood messages hanging over my head, combined with my obedience, trust of authority, and natural risk-aversion. For example, I recently spent time with a guy I like but I'm not sure. We had a good evening, but then I needed some space for a few days to think about it, and now I think he's hurt that I'm not sure whether I like him or not. But dating when I was younger moved more slowly and organically, and I was much freer and happier, care-free, not afraid of being hurt, just open and myself. Now I'm jaded, my defenses are up, I'm afraid I'll be hurt, and with all this virginity baggage, and everything is so much harder! :confused:

[Guest GingerSnap]

I bet you would shocked at how many of those people are envious of you but would never want to admit it and I mean in every way - the education, being on your own, etc. It is good to prepare but you might just find what I think a lot of us find - it is not that easy to just do it. You have shown good instincts with your life and I think you will continue to show those whatever that entails. Don't expect fireworks - that only happens in television and often you hear people that complain that sex just doesn't do it for them well, at the animal level without the frills it is just.......... Now, if you took a survey of those that gave "it" up and offered them the opportunity to undo "it", well, if you bottle that, you won't need a degree - you'd be a billionaire in no time flat. You'll be OK as you will be exercising your own judgment. Still bet that many of those married and with or without kids envy you on a lot days - I do.

[kristin]

Hey Gingersnap, thanks for the words of encouragement and warning. I do know it's not all that, which is part of the reason I should have done it a long time ago -- the longer I wait, the higher the stakes -- because the longer I wait, the more my mind thinks "wow it must be amazing, that's why I can't have it" but I know plenty of people have problems. But putting that much pressure on waiting puts sex up on this pedestal it just doesn't merit. The stronger the message of "don't have sex before marriage," the more false promise on both sex and marriage to be some rite of passage I've just missed out on.

In other words, maybe it's great to wait for marriage up to a certain point, but I'm long past that point and now those messages are really hurting me -- making me feel like an outsider, further exacerbating my depression; yet paradoxically making it seem like a bigger and bigger deal, like if sex is so special I can't have it, then obviously it must be so special it will be the thing that fixes all my problems. Yet I _know_ it won't fix all my problems -- so therefore it must not be that special... it must not be all that -- so then I might as well give up this waiting and just enjoy my life at it is.

My mom had no idea what she was setting me up for anyways -- she got married at 21 -- would she have held out this long? She had no idea the deep loneliness I feel, and how much worse it gets with each passing year. How sometimes the only company I can get is guys, and the only embraces I can get are physical desire -- so what? I have no emotional support, no emotional embraces -- but at least I can have one thing, at least I can have physical pleasure, if not emotional. You have to take what you can get.

I know some people envy me, but I envy a lot of others too -- that's the greener-grass human nature thing. I am so incredibly lonely and alone in this life, and I don't perceive things changing any time soon. In fact they're just going to get worse when I get my PhD because then I'll have to move wherever the jobs are, and try to start over all over again with a new circle of acquaintances. By the way, I don't have any close friends anymore (due to withdrawing from everyone when my depression worsened 5 years ago), just close acquaintances.

And that lack of close friends or boyfriends is what I don't perceive changing, and that lack of closeness means if I want to wait for marriage it'll be a long, cold, fruitless wait. In fact, I may never get married. And as that possibility seems more and more likely, the less acceptable it becomes to me to wait, because I don't see the point of torturing myself anymore, if there's no reward in the end.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Kristen,

It is my opinion that the issue for you does not have to do with "losing your virginity." Rather, the issue is that living without sexual relations is very depressing. I am not implying that having sex would cure your depression but it would help.

No rational person is going to judge you or your religion. You need not protect something that needs no protection. In fact, most religions frown upon sex without marriage, especially for women.

With full respect to religious beliefs and with the important role that religion plays in life, it is also important to care for one's self and well being. In other words, in my mind, it is better to have sex, religious belief or not. Just my opinion.

Thoughts?

Allan

[kristin]

Hey Allan, thanks for your reply. I think I was blindly following my religious-based instructions about sex, and totally ignoring my self -- not trying to think critically about what I actually thought. And so, paradoxically, I wind up unhappy with my religion that has set me up for depression. So I think you're right that I haven't been taking care of myself -- I've been hoping what my parents and religion and other figures told me was actually the right thing for me, but after all this while it just hasn't put me in a good place. Yes, maybe the virginity is part of the problem, because I had all those opportunities to lose it and I resisted because I thought something "better" would come along (i.e. mythical husband) and it never did and I'm sad about all that closeness I missed out on. These were good, decent guys. They weren't pressuring me to do anything I didn't want to. But I think the relationships could have lasted longer if we had gotten closer. And now I'll never be back then/there again, and now I feel like life is passing me by.

[danni]

Kristin...

I can say that there is a part of me that really envies you. I envy the fact that you had a choice of whether to have sex or not. I didn't have that choice for many years when I was a kid. So, even now, sex is something that is seperate from relationships and intimicy. Very seperate. Emotion is turned off while having sex. Sex is something that should provide closeness between you and your partner. For me, it creates distance that can only come back in other parts of the relationship that aren't sexual.

[Guest GingerSnap]

I've known a lot of people. Spent a good 20 years either in the military, married to military or working with the military so you hear a lot of "sex" stories. I do not, absolutely not think that "sex" will necessarily improve someone's depression and wonder if sex without intimacy could make it worse depending on one's expectations. Sex with the closeness and the personal feelings (I don't mean necessarily married or even engaged but intimate in other ways other than "sexual") I feel is what you are wanting. And, I am thinking, other than the physical part of getting it over with, what expectations do you have? Also, 30 is still not that old as a lot of people put off marriage and with the degree you are getting, a lot of guys, well, you know guys. I think when you start over after graduation and maybe get into your field, this will open you up to the types of people that will "click" - since your degree takes so much longer than many, that enters into the equation too. We all go through the transition of moving from high school, to college, and then to the work world. Gosh, when I worked in the dining facility with 25 guys, the talks on break were, well, anyway I learned a lot (I was often in total shock but tried not to show it) and then maybe I would be transferred to another facility and learn some more.:eek: Sex without intimacy is just a physical thing, physical closeness versus emotional closeness to me is empty. I wonder what your expectations would be after the sexual encounter. I still think you will make the right decision for you when the time comes. And, it can be fireworks when it is right and, of course, women don't peak until the mid-30s and, well, that makes a whole lot of difference, too, as I recall. No, really, I really recall that clearly.

[kristin]

Danni -- I'm really, really sorry to hear that. My best wishes for your recovery.

Gingersnap, thanks for your comments. I guess I regret not doing it with boyfriends I had good relationships with. Because now I feel it is a hang-up keeping me from intimacy, because now I feel jaded and like there's something wrong with me, like I'm not a real person. And now those feelings have pushed me into a deep depression, so it means my chances of having good relationships has totally crashed into nothing. Also, I really hate that actually my degree reduces my chances of being in a good relationship, because I hear that there are a lot of men out there who want women who are better looking but not as smart as themselves -- not that my degree means I'm smart, it just means I learned a lot about one particular narrow field.

Anyway, we'll see what happens. But when the next opportunity arises I want to be ready.

[somebody25]

I really don't think intelligence is that much of an issue. If it is with the guy, he's going to be so insecure about himself that you probably won't want to persue a relationship with him anyways.

Have you tried maybe going to a professional conference that deals with your career? You could meet a intelligent man that shares your interests that way. And since its work related, you won't be broadcasting what your intentions are.

[shye1]

Hey Kristin, I'm 24 and a virgin too. Unlike you I've never had many chances to lose it as I don't have boyfriends. I mean, I guess I could just walk into a bar one night, pick a guy and do it but for me it's more complicated than that. I understand that feeling of regret though. I look back at my teen years and wish things had been different. Even though it's hard, and I can't always accomplish this but I try to stay present when I feel those sorts of regretful feelings. I try to remember that during those times, I was at a different place mentally than I am now. Now I feel somewhat ready for a relationship, I feel ready to have sex. For that, I can be grateful. It can all come down to how you perceive things. We can live in the past and agonise over the things we did or didn't do. Or we can use the time we have right now to make our current situation the way we want it. So in 10 more years, we don't look back and have the same regrets.

I know its difficult believe me and I really understand your pain. Being a virgin at 24 is just one thing that scares me away from relationships. There's so much shame attached to it. But I have a best friend who was in a similar position to you and I a year ago. Now she has a better sex life than some of my friends who have been doing it since they were 15. Anything is possible. Try to keep your head up.

[sleepy370]

For religion....don't let it hold you back.there may or may not be a good. If there's not, that's ok. If there is, he'll/she'll understand. This reply might be late advice but I don't have time to read the other posts. Good luck, hope this isn't bad advice.

[kristin]

Thanks for reading, thanks for posting, and thanks for the support, everyone. I don't know why I'm so f*ed up but I posted about this topic because I now have no close friends, no special people in my every day life, no hugs, no love... and I really regret turning good decent guys away when I had the chance- making myself feel lonely and like an outsider in the general world of "adults" too. And everything I read lately is making it worse... stuff like this book "A General Theory of Love" and about how your neural networks re-connect based on your life- so I wonder if it's now too late and I'll never be able to get back on a healthy social/relationship/people/love track. Honestly something is really wrong with me and I don't know what it is but thanks for a forum to talk about it.

[somebody25]

Oh no, you're not alone. I'm in almost the same virgin boat you are, although I still have one friend I see occassionally.

I know exactly what you mean when it comes to feeling like an outsider around "adults". Most of the time I don't even feel like an adult either. I still live with my parents at 26, so that doesn't help either. It feels like I'm living some sort of dream, and I'm going to wake up 18 years old again. It's like the world moves much slower for me than other people...?

I never had any guy even semi serious enough to lose my viriginty too... There was only one guy that ever really liked me, and I wasn't attracted to him at all. *sigh* It didn't feel right screwing around with him if I didn't feel the same way.

Screw that book, I don't think there's something irrevocably wrong with our brains. People can recover from strokes, or even have their neural networks reconnect after having only one side of their brains... so we aren't hopeless by far.

[kristin]

I am in so much pain and so depressed beyond belief! I just can't take it any more. There is no one in my life I can share my agony with- they already hate on religion here, I am so ashamed of my stupid sheep-like adherence to those rules about Mortal Sin that have instead led me down a path of despair and bitterness that have left me hating God and the Church for setting me up for such loneliness in this society. Sure it's great to live up to your beliefs- unless they make you a total outcast, unable to find a single companion you can be yourself around- I am a social creature and I cannot bear the loneliness anymore.

One tiny bit of solace: Someone else like me, brought to me by the miracles of desperate anguished googling: <http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/increasing-marriage-age-and-its-implications/comment-page-1#comment-522546>

Quoting: "Anonymous says:

This Quote Is Copied From:

<http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/increasing-marriage-age-and-its-implications/comment-page-1#comment-522546>

January 9, 2010 at 11:44 pm

"Here is my perspective as a 29-year old virgin woman. I was brought up in a Christian home and church that emphasized abstinence before marriage. I was well taught about why it is important, and I still believe that it is important now. However, my church and parents did absolutely nothing to encourage me to pursue godly marriage, or even dating. I was encouraged to pursue career and education above all else. And I swallowed it hook, line, and sinker. The only advice I ever received about marriage was that: 1. later is better- preferably 30 or later; 2. it will come along when it’s the right time. This came from my mom who married at 18 (my dad was 20) and didn’t go to college because she had me. So I can’t blame her too much for teaching me those things.

"This is where things get difficult. I have spent years in pain and loneliness because I believed that I shouldn’t be pursuing marriage until everything else was accomplished. The only reason I’m still a virgin is because I haven’t had an active dating life (less temptation) and I still firmly believe in abstinence before marriage. But now I believe that all this waiting has been for nothing. There is no reason why I couldn’t have been looking for godly young men who might be marriage material when I was in college. My understanding of the research, by the way, is that the higher divorce rates in younger marriages apply primarily to teen marriage, not marriage in the early twenties. I’ve spent years wasting my youth on advanced education (not that I wouldn’t have pursued it anyway) instead of looking to find a godly man to spend my life with. Now I am still single, less attractive that I was in my early 20′s, and sexually frustrated beyond belief. And believe me, if you haven’t experienced extended virginity, you can have no idea what it’s like. I’ve struggled so very much not to become bitter about it. Instead, I’ve been much more proactive in trying to meet single, Christian men. But they are hard to find at this age."

[Sweetsara]

Kristin this is going to sound stupid but if you want to meet people walk up to someone and say hi. The longer you let this weigh you down the more it's going to crush you. I know I'm simplifing something that is very complex to you but there is NO SHAME in being a virgin. So you don't have sexual experience who cares? I have met people in their 30's and 40's who were virgins sometimes by choice sometimes by fear or whatever but you are by no means alone. You have let it build to epic proportions in your mind when it all comes down to this: Most guys will not be put off by the fact you are a virgin if they are then they aren't worth your time. Sex can be one of the most wonderful things in the world but only if you find someone who makes you comfortable. Don't ever be afraid to ask questions. If someone teases you for being a virgin know that they are just jealous they lost theirs too quickly. Please do not let it separate you from others. It's only one part of you and I'm sure people will like you.

[LaLa]

Hi, Kristin,

I agree with Sweetsara. From your point of view, the problem is bigger than it is in fact. It's natural. But I hope you'll see in the end (hopefuly rather sooner than later) that your virginity is not an "obstacle" in a relationship.

Is your lonelyness based only on your "difference" from the others, or are you really so alone? Is it that you suppose not being accepted by your friends (if you told them about your despair about Church etc.)? You'd mentioned previosly that there were some fine guys aroud you, if I remember it well. Did anything change? Or you started to feel lonely even being around them?

Sorry for these questions, I'd just like to have a better image of your situation.

There is no one in my life I can share my agony with

What about your therapist? Why can't you share it with her? Can't she help you with this?

Take care!

L.

[somebody25]

I don't think its so simple as all that. There's all sorts of body language and unspoken rules about dating that all the 'it's so simple' people internalized back when they were fourteen. Not to mention that adult relationships are expected to move at lightning speed to the physical stuff. Well, lightning speed for me at least. A month is apparently a great lapse of time for everyone in the dating world, but I'd barely consider someone my friend in that amount of time.

Sometimes I wish I lived in a country where my parents would just pick me out a husband.