Anyone diagnosed with DID

[windsybarbie]

Hi:

I have been co-conscious and aware of what I have been doing except now. I have PTSD and now I have to accept I have parts and it is very hard for me. I created a schedule that I follow so I have everything written down, as I forget if I did the task etc....I am not used to this switching, and it is very uncomfortable....I see pdoc every 6 wks, but now i found an IFS therapist I see every 2 wks.

My T recommended "8 Keys to Trauma Recovery" and it has really helped me. However I would like to know what do others do for switching and what do you do in b/w T appointments. Also when the emergency services are busy, what else can you do. I await your replies.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Winsybarbie

Can you tell me what you mean by "switching" do you mean in and out of a dissociative episode? I know I use that word for my cycling with Bipolar and my PTSD episodes. and what is a IFS therapist?

I have to use diversions to help me if not I just crawl in a ball on the couch and get lost in the TV. But many times feeling in a dissociative way, I used to drive away like trying to escape it but it never worked, I needed more help and allow it to happen in a safe place.

But you could come up with a safety plan for yourself as to how and who you want to help you when you need help. It could be a like a flow chart as to who you will initially call and then if they cant help, who else and more importantly what you want them to do to help you you keep safe.

I just read "8 keys of trauma" also. I didnt find it very helpful though I think maybe I already do the "keys" How about you?

The books I really liked are :

"waking the tiger; healing trauma" by Peter Levine. This book actually desrcibed the type of "dissociation" I used to do. Looks like a seizure, but cant move like being paralysed and barely breathing. It is like fight or flight. Then more recently I had one where I was completly paralysed and didnt move a muscle, could hear everything but couldnt react.

"get me out of here" by Rachel Reilan I loved this book. It is based on a borderline patient, true story, who as an adult got depressed and realized she had childhood trauma and thats how she developed her personality. What I enjoyed and related to was not her behavior but her experiences of realizing the trauma, the hospitalizations and reaction to all of this new mental health issues in her life. She shares her therapay with her pdoc with us as readers and how she failed many times then learned and changed what was thought to be unchangeable. So her unfolding of many issues helped her change and overcome her issues and her diagnosis.

I hope this helps a little

[windsybarbie]

Hi There:

Thanks for replying, as I just signed up yesterday. Is this a safe place to talk about our experiences, and is it okay to make long posts, or do they prefer shorter posts.

I have finally accepted I do have DID after 20 years. I was in denial for a long time, but in July,2010 I remembered what happened to me when I was 7. I always was worried I was a fake & a fraud and spending my time and money and the professionals time.

However when I remembered, I was less tormented and didn't want to hide anymore. Switching is when I become another part instead of the core person. IFS is internal family systems Therapy which helps you communicate with your internal family. I will be exploring the part this Wed for the first time.

Thanks for the advice on the books, I am always looking for good references. Yes, 8 keys to trauma recovery helped me. I have the list on my b/r wall to remind me of the steps. It shows me I am not the only one, & my beh was not out of the ordinary.

Does anyone have GRIEF for what you lost and shame for leading the life you did,b/c of the abuse? Thanks for being here

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Windsy,

Welcome to our community.

Yes, in my opinion, this is a safe place. You are anonymous and it should stay that way.

I would like other members to answer you question about grief over having been abused. Its an excellent and relevant question. Can others please respond to Windsy about this???

What I want to say is that, having been abused, you can still live a normal life. Are you in psychotherapy? It would be a good idea. What do others think?

Allan:)

[Luna-]

Welcome to the forum, windsybarbie.

You can write as much or as little as you like, space is infinite here.

[windsybarbie]

Hi:

Thank You very much for replying back, and telling me this is a safe place. Yes, I am in therapy and have an ifs therapist and a pdoc. Now that I have the memories I can now work on stage 1 & 2 which is Safety & Remembering. It is a long hard road, but I know in my heart this is the time to start being a warrior and not a victim....I am not that fake & fraud I thought I was b4 the mem and that is a relief.

Does anyone have an issue when you tried to disclose to your family, you were neglected & abandoned? What do you do with these feelings, and how do you build another external family??? I need people right now and all I have is this board and two T.

Thank you for being my external support as the crisis services are maxed out. I will get thru this, b/c my purpose is to be well refreshed as a special needs ea in Sept. My job is my passion with young adults and that I have been looking forward to going back.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Windsy,

You ask a very good question:

Does anyone have an issue when you tried to disclose to your family, you were neglected & abandoned? What do you do with these feelings

In my experience, both personal and as a therapist, nothing much good comes of disclosing these things to your family because often times they react by feeling criticized and defensive and never really hear what you are trying to say. That happened to me in my life and happened to countless numbers of patients I worked with.

Ultimately, the answer to your question is to do what you are doing: work through the trauma and, when ready, leave it all behind because it is in the past and need not bother you anymore. Of course, that happens after lots of work.

What do you think?

Allan

[windsybarbie]

Hi there:

Can I change the title or do I have to have it the same? Do you prefer shorter posts, b/c I just ramble on and repeat myself. I am feeling very depressed right now and very hard on myself. How do I have the life I was meant to be. I reach out but no one is receptive, family or external people.

I have been trying to post for a long time, and then I realized you have to check "remember me box". I have learnt to do things on my own and I don't give up until I do it. That is what my students like about Ms W. Yesterday I figured out finally how to copy my therapy sessions from tape to the computer. Lately my 2 tape recorders haven't been working properly and I forget what is happening in session. I process at home, that is how I got my memories in July. I am hoping it is b/c the recorder was full.

I could not say "No" to my brother for Saturday. He asked me "What are you doing Saturday". I said I don't know, I will check my calendar. His reply was "I have a wedding I want to go to on Sat" and I want to drink responsibly. I didn't know what to do then I thought this would work. He didn't ask, I was told, so I am doing it. Any one else handle that differently? If I say no, I have no contact at all...even less I am getting now....and they just say "she was in her mood".

How do you handle boundaries and say no and be assertive? They were NEVER there for me but when they NEED something, Windsy will do it w/o choices. Any ideas, b/c I am sick & tired of being their scapegoat & pushover. I had burning in my hands & feet for 5 years and now I get injections every 6 weeks to function with lidocaine. They treat me like I am a hyochrondriac. When I want something I get resistance and all they do is bring up my past which was negative not positive.

Do I estrange them and now have the life I want from positive people? Where do I find them, b/c people have already made friends and I don't know how. When you are dissociative how do you keep it together and not fall apart? Any comments appreciated, b/c right now I am sorry I have started therapy at all.

I want a life now and I only get contact with people if I make the effort. How do you have a social life and make friends and have dates and relationships etc....I want the life I was meant to have and now I feel I am all alone. I have DID and I am dissociating and I am working on the process of healing. I have been hiding all my life b/c of the trauma when I was little. Now I see the world thru different eyes but shamed by family.

T have said I will not be able to change my family, Should I estrange them, or just have neg contact? I received honors at my Developmental Services Diploma for 2 years in 1997, and no one came. There was a big deal about my niece's grade 12 grad than mine...When I recieved an "Certificate of Recognition" for our team of educational assistants no recognition. Should I keep trying as otherwise I am alone and a new baby is on the way....

Whenever I think I deserve help or appreciation I don't get it. Now I am wondering why do I keep trying to have a life. I know T are limited and I only use crisis services in dire need, unless I am dissociative like this summer. My family only drudges up my neg past exp not my positive ones.

I look forward to your comments etc....Having memories and trauma is NOT easy, but I don't want him to win...I know he is dead....I am strong but how much stronger can I be......Thanks for listening, answering and being here.

[Lindamomof7]

I have Bipolar and PTSD and I just started seeing a trauma specialist. Wow is she different then just a "therapist". And, in case I cant handle this as an "outpatient" we are preparing now for an "inpatient" place in a few states away from me. We are our own best advocates for ourselves....

I just realized that I had set up my safe boundaries years ago with my family. It ended up us being estranged but I understand now why I did it and I dont regret it...

Family isn't always supportive. They can be critical, negative and unsupportive even without having a mental illness. If they are not a good positive support system for you then you really need to consider how it makes you feel. Only you can make that decision and only you can understand what your needs are. And you have to do whatever it takes to keep you happy, functioning and living a life that allows you to be who you are.

People treat us as they see how we treat ourselves. So be strong, positive and communicative of YOUR needs and wants...

[windsybarbie]

Hi Linda

Those words mean so much. Lately I have been thinking about making clear boundaries and taking a hiatus from them. I thought they loved me and cared about me, and now that I am in this mess, I will try to find other supports. It is really their issues, and I have no energy left to care about what they are feeling or thinking.

For eg: I can't wait until I see the students in 2 weeks. I saw one with his family and it was great to see him and he is excited to coming back. Summer is always hard for me but especially this year b/c I was not working and on sick leave and switching back & forth.

That is how I do my job: Do to others as you want them to do to you. I am there for my students even if no one was there for me. That is what makes me a great special needs ea!!!! I know things will be better when I have something else to be concerned about. When I speak of my students and my passion for my job, I light up like a xmas tree.

Good luck in your journey, the problem is NO one will caretake or rescue me, and I am trying to do it on my own. At this stage I want to continue working and having a purpose and have a good life. On Sept 11, I have an app't to learn how to apply makeup. I have kept ALL the "Thank You's" I received from my teacher saying I do so much, and above and call of the duty and she would not know what she would do w/o me. This is what I am grateful for and all my accomplishments and I know this is a process. thanks

[Lindamomof7]

They do love you in their own ignorant way and we cant change that.

But that doesnt mean their words are the correct words, their feelings are superior to our own and who are they really? They are not professionals in the field, they are not god.

They are all just average people dealing with life in their own healthy or unhealthy ways and sometimes people find comfort in belittling others and creating conflict even to the people they "love".

And if they really understood, they would attempt to learn about something they probably have no clue about, our illnesses. So until they are able to comprehend it, help you and support you then they are just as toxic as the stranger. Actually, sometimes strangers are more compasionate and understanding!

[windsybarbie]

Hi There:

I have tried to talk to my brother/sister and I just get upset and hurt them more. Apparently, why no communication about my disclosure is b/c when I was distraught and dissociating I was very activated. I asked my Aunt to let my one sister know where I was.

Apparently she told the big sister that the reason I am in CSU and prolems b/c of little sister. I called them to just say "things are difficult for me right now, please know it is nothing personal. Then the FIGHTS start. I have Big Brother in city who was always there for me, no longer for a while and little sister, I hurt so much.

Has anyone else had the experience when you just find out about your memories, and your family doesn't understand. You reach out to explain your actions and behavoir, and then all you do is hurt them. I desparately want to be part of my family, b/c when I was in trouble with house etc...they were there for me....but now are frustrated, and don't know what to do. Is it worth for me right now to really care what they think and just try to get well and have my life I was meant to be? Thank You, I would be interested in others experiences

Right now they have hurt me by saying "My Aunt will not talk to her kids, b/c of what I said to Aunt. My brother says he wouldn't talk to my uncle, b/c I lied....I am fine when I distract and do other things. However when I try to contact my family I just get hurt more and very depressed and think why do I try....I didn't hurt them intentionally? This is the DID & PTSD etc....

I have so much shame & guilt for hurting them and in our family when we are upset we attack and want to fight. My big brothe made that statement.