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Endlessnight

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For me, expressing the bad memories and saying them out loud lessened the power they had over me. It's true that we can't change the past, but maybe acknowledging the hurt can help you to move through it. As the pain is released, it may allow more room for new and more positive feelings. This doesn't mean denying your past pains...what it does is hopefully free up some energy for future joy.

As to forgiveness, I think this is a personal decision/choice if one is willing to forgive or not. Do you feel your anger confines you? Do you wish to forgive?

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I don't think I am angry anymore, I dont feel anger inside me. I don't know how to express what I am feeling. I know I have to make peace with the past in order to move on, at least I think I know that. Saying it, knowing it, is much easier than actually being able to do it.

When I say 'forgive' I think I mean forget. I don't know. I'm so confused and don't know where to go or what to do. I feel like i'm going round and round in circles and getting nowhere. :(

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Endless and Irma,

I know what you both mean. Just because I'm a therapist does not mean I've been immune from this stuff in my life. Here is what my experience with myself has been:

The more I think about the past, the angrier I get. I find it much better to not think about it and to change the subject, in my mind, when I find myself meandering towards the past.

So, what I find with me is that I cannot forget the past but I push myself away from those thoughts when they come up. It mostly works but its not perfect.

What do you think???

Allan:)

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I came to add something to my last post. I've decided i am angry!

i'm angry at my mum for the things she did and didn't do. I'm angry at my dad. I'm angry at my brother for the things he did and does. And i'm angry at me most of all.

Since i'm feeling the need to get this out I want to go on...

I'm angry at my parents even for dying and leaving me alone. I'm so angry. They died and left me with so many unresolved issues. I never had a chance to tell my mum how much she hurt me, I never was able to tell my dad either. I AM SO DAMN ANGRY AT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.:(

Edited by Endlessnight

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And i'm so damn angry at myself that I lied and said i wasn't angry when all i'm doing is denying it and repressing it.

And i'm so damn angry that I never got to have a childhood. Never got to be a teenager, never got to be grown up. I'M SO DAMN ANGRY AT EVERYTHING I JUST WANT TO DIE.

Edited by Endlessnight

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For me, expressing those feelings and getting them out has been (and is) very important. I have to look at them, write them down or talk about them, somehow express them. I feel very fortunate to have my art that I can pour everything into. (Sometimes it's very far from art, but hey, it's not my living so I can just make a mess too. I just hide it from my kids!) It validates how I feel when I put it all out in front of me and when I see it *I* hear myself. Even if no-one else gets it, *I* get it.

Once the feelings and memories are out and expressed, I can let go and not dwell on them any more. It frees up so much energy too.

You may not see or feel it, EN, but while you've been here, you've been moving along that path. Bit by bit. You only really see that sort of thing when you look back and think back to where you were months or years ago. Are there not some things you have talked about that you wouldn't have said when you first came here? That's getting it out. It hurts, especially at first because all the bad memories tumble out and it seems that that's all there is. But as IrmaJean said - once they're out they make space for the new feelings and I think you'll find some happy memories too ...

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I was typing my post above while you said the last things. And now I'm smiling. Can you see how you are on that path? Of course you're angry and you have every right to be. It is a very appropriate response to all the hurt you experienced. And it hurts when you don't repress it any more, ah, but the rewards are so good.

Try not to delete what you just said? I'm listening to you ...

Edit: Sorry, didn't mean I was smiling at your anger, I'm smiling at how I see you on the road to healing. And privileged to be here, you know, that you trust us with this?

Edited by Luna-

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Luna, I came back on today because I have calmed down. I was going to delete what I had written until I read your last post and you have asked me to try and not to. So I am going to leave it, even though I am a little ashamed and embarassed at what i've said, it sounds childish.

But I get what you are saying and deleting it would only be denying it again.

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:o:) :)

Didn't strike me as childish at all. It felt to me like an appropriate thing to feel and an appropriate place to say so. Where else can we say these kinds of things when we feel them?

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I'm glad you did not delete as well Endless. I too have felt lots of anger for things that others have done to me. Inconsiderate and even cruel things in my eyes. I remember that after my divorce, in my 30s, I spend 5 years with searing anger in my gut. I knew it was not healthy but it just would not abate and I did not force it down. I find that allowing those strong emotions to finally find expression and being exorcised in a way prevents me from getting depressed. If I try to deny the feelings, or suppress them (which I did in my last relationship), I get depressed, sometimes very depressed. It creates an inner struggle within me, like a war of sorts, and wears me out emotionally.

For me it is also part of a grieving process, letting go of something, whether it is strongly held values that have been shattered, or hurt, or dissapointment, or dreams and aspirations that will never be. Once I can work through the anger (which can take years for me), then I can truly move unto acceptance and rebuilding. For me there is no going back though, I cannot be friends again with that person, the trust is broken. I can be civil and even interact normally, but my heart is detached. Perhaps I still have work to do on true forgiveness...:o

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Luna, Symora, Allan, IrmaJean: thank you all.

I have admitted how angry I am, or rather i've finally acknowledged it, but now what? This is where I always get stuck.

I don't know that just saying it gave me some relief...I was crying so hard as I wrote what I did. I'm starting to cry a lot again. I hadn't been able to for a long while, I think from the meds. They kind of numb everything.

Allan, as far as letting go of the past: I wish I could. I am afraid of the future, and not really living in the present, so the past seems to be all I have. :)

Symora, I think it's easier to forgive than it is to forget. I say I have forgiven my parents and even my brother, but I can't forget the things that happened. I am such a mystery to myself. I don't know who I am or what I am or why I am the way I am. I feel that i'm just drifting along in life waiting for death.

Edited by Endlessnight

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I couldn't sleep last night, I kept remembering myself as a teenager and would like to put some of those memories here because I remember Luna, or Symora once said to me that I should embrace that girl that I was, hug her and make her feel loved and that she is not alone.

(I'm sorry that it's so long and if anyone feels that it's inappropriate here I will move it to my blog).

I was lying in bed crying, thinking of that girl and how lost and alone and scared she was. I feel like I have a ghost haunting me, the ghost of that young girl. I want so much to be able to reach out to her, to hold her and comfort her. I feel that if I can achieve that, put that ghost to rest, maybe I will be able to let go of the past. Please someone help me to do that. I know that I am supposed to help myself, but I don't know how, I just don't. Please, please, someone help me.

Edited by Endlessnight

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Oh EN, I can hear that girl's pain. :P She should not have had to do those things. She should not have had to stay awake to let her mother in, her mother should have made another arrangement for herself, she was the adult. Living with parents who fight is traumatic. She should not have been made to choose between her parents and her parents should have sorted out matters between them as adults.

Of course it hurts, because you are feeling her pain. But I hope you can see that none of this was her fault. She didn't do anything wrong. Her parents could not sort out their differences but that did not have anything to do with her.

I found the same things happened to me when I went through my past, as are happening with you now. First the anger and the raging at what happened in the past, then the tears. Tears of regret and of pain and longing, that nobody else understood. I found my first online support group then. I could cry there and others understood and had been or were there too.

It might not feel like you are embracing that girl but you are, by telling her story, by telling how it was for her. How she tried to do the right things for her parents and had to take on more responsibility that she should have been asked to. Tell more of her story. What else was happening in her life? As you look at the young girl I think you will start to see things from her side. How hurt and confused she must've been. And you'll begin to feel for her and feel sorrow for her. She was doing her best, being a good person. She deserves to be accepted and not criticised for things she had no control over. And because she is part of you, that is how you begin to accept yourself. And then that is a part of you that you won't criticise because you understand and connected with her.

If it helps, pretend she is another niece of yours. You would feel protective and want to comfort her. You would give her your love and acceptance. You practised all this on your real niece, it's yours to give to the young girl too.

While you are doing this reconnecting, you need to be gentle with yourself, because you will get tired; crying wears you out, as does the remembering and you can get lost in too much sorrowing. Take breaks for a few days, put it aside and just focus on the present. Don't try to do it all at once, it can wait for you while you take those breaks, to do something you love doing, to feed and care for your soul too. Buy yourself a present!

I hope I am making some sense? All this is hard. But when that part of you can be accepted and you no longer reject how she was and what she did, you won't be as hard on yourself. Because you will have understood how it was for her, that she was doing the best she knew how. You will have listened to her and validated her experience, by telling her story.

This forum is like group therapy and this is your thread and your time to speak. I'm listening and so are others. :) (((hugs)))

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EN-I really feel for you and am so sorry you are having a difficult time right now. I also have trouble connecting with my past sometimes. Just last week my therapist suggested doing inner child work. She helped me connect with my four year old self and my fifteen year old self. My 4 yr old was sad, lonely, hurt and in serious emotional pain. The 15 year old is suicidal. My counselor also specializes in EMDR...that would be my suggestion for you. Research your area and see if there are any professionals who use EMDR. It has been an amazing form of recovery for me. I still have a long way to go but I am making progress. Best wishes for you!

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Luna, your words make perfect sense.

I have never blamed her for anything but I think in writing about her I am seeing her in a different way. And yes, I do see how alone and scared and lost she is, and if I could hold her and comfort her I would. But what can I tell her? I can't tell her things will get better because they won't. Maybe I can only comfort her without words, just so she knows that her pain hasn't gone unnoticed.

I found the same things happened to me when I went through my past, as are happening with you now. First the anger and the raging at what happened in the past, then the tears. Tears of regret and of pain and longing, that nobody else understood. I found my first online support group then. I could cry there and others understood and had been or were there too.

It does help to know that someone understands and has been there.

'Tears of regret and of pain and longing that nobody else understood.' I feel that so much Luna.

I am going to take your advice and be gentle with myself for a while. I will let things lie for a while, until I feel able to continue. Thank you for listening.

Warrior I am so sorry to hear of the pain your 4 year old self was (is) suffering, and of how the 15 year old feels. I hope that with the help of your therapist you will be able to reach out to them and lessen their pain by letting them know that they are not alone.

I dont know what EMDR means, but therapists are not available to me.

Thank you for your best wishes, and I wish you the best too. Please let us know how your therapy goes, I will be thinking of you. Take care.

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And yes, I do see how alone and scared and lost she is, and if I could hold her and comfort her I would. But what can I tell her? I can't tell her things will get better because they won't. Maybe I can only comfort her without words, just so she knows that her pain hasn't gone unnoticed.

You can imagine yourself holding that little girl, Endless. Take her in your arms and draw her near. You can tell her that you love her, that she is valued and cherished. You can tell her that you hear her pain and that you're sorry she hurts. Tell her that you'll be there by her side and will always care for her.

Edited by IrmaJean

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I have never blamed her for anything but I think in writing about her I am seeing her in a different way. And yes, I do see how alone and scared and lost she is, and if I could hold her and comfort her I would. But what can I tell her? I can't tell her things will get better because they won't. Maybe I can only comfort her without words, just so she knows that her pain hasn't gone unnoticed(my emphasis).

*Hugs Endlessnight*

I would take out the word 'only' from the last sentence. This is precisely what you can do. Hear her, bear witness to her pain, listen to her story - just what you have already done. :) All the parts of us just want to be acknowledged. Some time back you told us you hate (was that the word?) the young girl, maybe now you won't have to hate her?

I agree with you about having a break. You just went through some heavy stuff.

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IrmaJean, she is such a confused girl and is hurting very much, but I can and will do what you suggested:

You can imagine yourself holding that little girl, Endless. Take her in your arms and draw her near. You can tell her that you love her, that she is valued and cherished. You can tell her that you hear her pain and that you're sorry she hurts. Tell her that you'll be there by her side and will always care for her.

Thank you.:o

Luna, I think when I said I hate her I was talking about the older me, not the young girl in England. The me here.

It might not feel like you are embracing that girl but you are, by telling her story, by telling how it was for her.

I have been thinking about those years and the girl I was and your words ring true. Just by writing about her I feel closer to her than I have ever felt before.

I took your advice by the way...today I pampered myself. I had a manicure, a pedicure, a facial and I had my hair coloured. I (almost) feel a new woman! :) (((((hugs)))))

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I just wanted to say I think what Irma Jean suggested is excellent advice. That is basically what I was talking about when I said my therapist was doing 'inner child' work. EMDR is a specific type of therapy that the therapist used for me to move the process along but I am sure even 'talking' with your younger self would be beneficial.

Best wishes to you. I hope your days get brighter.

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Endless Night,

I really can not offer anything to you other than that your words have moved me. I pray that you can find peace with what happened to you and that you can embrace that girl.

Mary

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I would try and push her away worry about yourself and people who concern you, that girl is not of importance, you can't help her anyways. IF it's a ghost scream at it, play loud music and scream bloody murder(a very good way to let your angry feelings out). Just scream and let your rage flow. (When i go into rage I see myself in a 3rd person perspective and see a blurry image of me going crazy. Next use a dream catcher if your having nightmares. Don't embrace "it". (Now if you were in a 3rd person perspective and she was your sister or something just scream to let your anger out)

Course thats me, the guy with no real feelings. :|

Edited by IrmaJean
removing quoted phrase at OP's request.

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Warrior, thank you. Please tell us how you are doing?

Mary, thank you too. Your words and prayers are appreciated.

Aaron, i'm sure that you have feelings . Maybe you have pushed them down so deep inside your self that you don't see them much, but i'm sure they are there, and hope that one day you will feel secure enough to be able to let them out.

I hope all of us can eventually find peace within us, peace with our past, peace with what we are now. I know it will be very hard, but being on here, all of us, we have found a place where we can reach out to others for help, and reach out and give help also, even if, as Mary said, we don't know what to say we can still listen. Thank you for letting me be a part of this community.

Take care everyone, and thank you.

Edited by Endlessnight

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