memories

[Warrior40]

Endless Night...I am doing very well, thank you for asking. My therapist is helping me connect with my childhood and my 'little girl' and it seems to be working quite well. One of my big issues is dissociating. My therapist used to tell me, "If you don't let yourself feel the bad stuff then you are also not feeling the good stuff." I knew she was right but I never really wanted to pay much attention to that. Well, now that we have done soem more work together I am noticing myself to be happier in situations than I ever have been before. I definitely think this is working for me!

[Endlessnight]

Warrio I am so happy to hear that you feel things are progressing for you.

We get used to 'dissociating' from ourselves and it's very hard to re-connect. I've been dissociated from myself for over 30 years and don't even remember what I did during that time, but I am hoping that little by little, being here on the forum, being given suggestions and advice, and maybe, just by talking about things, I might one day feel connected to myself and life again. I wish you the same. Don't give up hope.

Take care, and please let us know how things go with you.

[finding my way]

Just wanted to say helllllllloooooooooooooooo, Endlessnight!

how are you these days?

[Endlessnight]

Hello Finding.

I am well, thank you for asking. How are you?

I came back to add something to what I wrote above.

I want, more than anything, to know what it means to be at peace with myself. I know that no one can help me achieve that, though I guess when I first came on here I was hoping someone could. I've often thought about death, wanted it, longed for it. Of course, I want death to be on my terms. I hope that death will be final.

I want so much to not have this thing that is inside of me. I don't know what it is, but it makes me feel that there is something I must do and that I have to hurry to do it; it is a feeling of restlessness, of unease, of the opposite of what calm is. And it's always there, present in me, giving me no rest, like a black hole, that just keeps getting bigger and bigger and one day will swallow me.

These words are from one of my favourite poems. They express what I feel, what I wish for, better than I ever could.

I long for scenes where man has never trod;

A place where woman never smil'd or wept;

There to abide with my creator, God,

And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept:

Untroubling and untroubled where I lie;

The grass below--above the vaulted sky.

'I Am', John Clare

Edited September 18, 2010 by Endlessnight

[IrmaJean]

EN, do you think you could be experiencing anxiety? I know how awful anxiety can feel. Do you think you can you find a quiet space in your mind where you can simply "be"?

One thing I've noticed recently, Endless, is that you are blossoming in a very pure and beautiful way here on the site. I see it in both your responses to others and in your expressions about your own feelings. I hope that your sincerity and openness might also offer you a place of inner serenity.

Thanks so much for sharing yourself with us, EN.

[Endlessnight]

IrmaJean, thank you for your kind words, and for listening.

I think you are right, and what I have is anxiety, but I hadn't realised it because I don't really know what it is i'm feeling anxious about. It isn't about anything specific, it's just this free floating kind of anxiousness that is always here, in me. How do you face it, and tackle it when you don't know what the cause is?

My mind has never been a very quiet or peaceful place, so I don't think I can find calm there, and i'm still not sure who 'me' really is. :confused:

[Endlessnight]

Recently I have noticed that I am no longer so afraid to leave my bedroom at night. I have actually been getting up and going to the bathroom. This may not seem a big deal but it is to me. I've been afraid to leave my bedroom, once i'm in there, for most of my life, and to be able to leave it, without it being a stressful thing is nice. I think I have my meds to thank for that.

[Luna-]

That's wonderful, EN.

I think that you have yourself to thank for that. I've also noticed what IJ said, you've been blossoming, it's evident and you did that yourself. I really believe being on this forum is a therapeutic process, especially for those of us who live far from resources. This IS group therapy. And when you're in such a process, these sorts of things start happening, things that were previously problems become much smaller.

Often you don't notice change, because it's so subtle. We're so focused on everything we still WANT to change in our lives. But if you look back, say to 6 months ago, would you say you're different in some small way? Has something shifted?

[Endlessnight]

Hi Luna. I have noticed a change in me now to what I was like six months ago. I have started opening up, not just on here, but in real life too. I don't mean that I have told anyone what I write about here, but I am connecting to people more. Before I never allowed myself to feel, and so I was disconnected from life. Now I feel such compassion for others and I think I do have this forum to thank (as well as my meds) for that. Before I had walled myself off from the world, now, in a small way, I am trying to break down those walls and allow others in.

Thank you all for giving me a place to be able to speak freely and without fear.

P.S.

I love your quote, Luna.

[Endlessnight]

I've just realised something from reading my last post. I never give myself credit for anything.

Luna, you said that it was my own doing and I ignored that and accredited the change in me to the forum and my meds only.

I am so used to thinking of myself as being useless and helpless, that to think I might have accomplished something is a new and strange thought, and one I will need to get used to. Thank you for making me aware of it.

[malign]

You made yourself aware of it, M. :-)

[finding my way]

Endless, it sounds like you've happened upon the secret to mental health:): [ssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!] ease off the negative self talk!

Ok, maybe it's not that simple..... but maybe it is!!!!!!!!!!!

[Endlessnight]

:)........

[Luna-]

Tell me if I'm being pushy now, but is it time for a user-name change ...?

[Endlessnight]

'Every night and every morn, some to misery are born

Every morn and every night some are born to sweet delight.

Some are born to sweet delight

Some are born to endless night.'

Not yet Luna. Not yet.

[Endlessnight]

Memories are strange things.

One day my father and I were talking about the past, (it was one of the few times we actually 'talked') and he told me something that I had forgotten or had blocked out completely.

When I was growing up we were very poor. We lived in two rooms in a rented house that had three other lodgers living in it. We had a bedroom and a living room. The kitchen was shared by everyone, and there was no bathroom, only a toilet out in the back yard.

The lady that lived in the basement was the ex wife of the landlord. She was mentally unstable. The only thing I remember about her is the day she attacked me.

I was around 9 or 10 and I was at home from school for lunch. It was a nice day and my mum was sitting with our neighbour on her doorstep. I went into our living room to get a biscuit to take with me to school, I turned around to go out the door but she was blocking it. She was holding a hand held wooden floor brush and her eyes were glassy. She moved towards me and I moved back until I fell into a chair, she started beating me with the brush on my head. As she was hitting me she was screaming at me saying I had taken her husband and kids away from her.

Anyway, afterwards, when the policeman came, he asked me if she had said anything and I told him no. I was afraid if I told him what she had said he might believe her. I never told my parents either for the same reason.

I thought that was the only incident with her until my father told me otherwise. He said she would bang on our bedroom door almost every night screaming and cursing and would break our windows, which her husband would have fixed for us.

I dont remember her coming to our bedroom (my father, mother, brother and I shared a bedroom and a bed until one of the lodgers emigrated to the States and left us his bed which my father slept in as I refused to sleep in it alone). I remembered then that if I needed to use the toilet at night, my father would have to get up, light a candle and go with me.

I guess that's why i've always been afraid to leave my bedroom at night. Though I don't understand why I still had that fear long after we had left the house she lived in. It's such an irrational fear, but, as I said in an earlier post, I am learning to overcome it now.

Edited September 25, 2010 by Endlessnight

[Jetliner]

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Edited November 1, 2010 by Jetliner
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[Endlessnight]

John,

I had always thought that I had forgiven my parents until the day I had my outburst, and now reading what you have written, I realise I haven't forgiven them at all because I have this anger inside me, and yes, it has turned on itself and is only hurting me and not them because they are both dead.

Letting go of that need is truly freeing and I pray you will find it in your heart someday to do just that. Not because they deserve to be forgiven but, you deserve better than to be a slave to those memories

.

I pray that I can find it in me to do that too.

[Endlessnight]

John, I have re-read your post, and you might be right when you say admitting my anger was a huge step for me, as it was for you. Perhaps having admitted to it, I can now learn to forgive and let go of the anger. Thank you for putting things into perspective for me.

[Luna-]

I've heard it said that "depression is anger turned inwards" ...

[Endlessnight]

Luna, that seems to be true as far as my own depression/anger goes anyway. I do want to let go of the anger that I wasn't even aware I had until now. I want to let go of it all so I can live my life. How do I learn to forgive my father, my mother and my brother, the people I should have been able to trust the most are the ones that have hurt me the most. I don't hate anyone, I know that, but how do I let go of the anger?

Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself, with the way I am. Why can't I be like other people? Why am I like this? Why does it hurt so much?

I came back to add this:

I've just realised something about myself. I have serious issues with feelings of abandonment.

Edited September 27, 2010 by Endlessnight

[finding my way]

It's so tough to know who or what to attach to in these circumstances. You are learning more and more about your inner resources and which voices to listen to inside. As you get more patient with yourself, you will feel more comfortable with being you. It will be easier to be around others... it will be easier to get your needs met. I wish you well today, E!

[Endlessnight]

Because my parents are dead, and my brother is....well...the way he is...sometimes it feels like I will never be able to find peace for myself.

I know that is true for most people, we seldom get to sit down with the people that have hurt us, find resolution or get an answer to the many questions we would like to ask.

That's why I want to ask a few of my questions here:

Edited September 6, 2011 by Endlessnight

[finding my way]

I'm so sorry, Endless

[Luna-]

EN:

Is there any way you could have both sides of this conversation? Can you "be" your mother/father and answer the whys? Some of those things probably have no answer ie there was no excuse for going out all the time and just leaving you, for promising you, you'd go back and then never doing it. In this case, you can only answer "I don't know" or "I have no excuse". You can then rage back at that and feel the anger some more and actually go through it. I think the anger will be with you for a while, but as you feel it, it will lose its grip and you will get closer to letting it go. My sense is you haven't finished with the anger yet.

What do you think of this; might it work for you?

(I know I had endless amounts of anger with my father for being drunk for half of my life. He died when I was 24 and I could never finish any of those conversations with him, not that we'd had that many before either. I'd sit him down in my imagination and grill him with whys, and rage at him until he was reduced to stammering apologies because there was nothing else he could say. I had been afraid of him, so it gave me my power back. I eventually blew off the anger but it took a long time. This was back in my mid-30s. Only once I was dx'ed BP and I clearly saw he had been BP too, did I really understand why he did what he did and manage to forgive him. That was only 2 years ago. It's worth getting to the end of the anger, unfortunately you have to go through it (safely) to get there. Don't turn that anger in towards yourself.)

Of course I don't know if what I did may work for you, I guess there must be other ways too. But so far writing this stuff down here seems to be helping you, what do you think? {{Hugs}}