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Endlessnight

memories

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I've had many, many years to think about why they did what they did and I guess I know some of their reasons.

My father wanted to get away from the memory of what my mother did to him, and also he wanted a better life for us which he thought we wouldn't have in England as we were very poor.

My mother was probably feeling lonely as my father worked double shifts to make ends meet, and he was not a man that liked to go out much. Maybe she was afraid of getting old and felt her life was passing her by.

But all of that is about what THEY wanted. No one asked me or my brother what we wanted.

I told my father time and time again how much I hated living here but what I wanted didn't matter, because he knew best.

We had no say in what kind of life we wanted.

My father knew I was in pain, knew how desperate I was, how lonely, how much I hurt. But it was as though it didn't matter, because I was a nothing, a non person, a thing.

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Endless, some seem unable to go beyond seeking what they want from life. Some are unable to empathize and understand the importance of others' feelings and needs too. This offers no excuse for your parents' actions. Maybe this anger has surfaced now as a response to your coming to understand that you deserve love, care and respect.

What strikes me is how you have emerged now as a caring, kind and gentle person... despite your childhood and despite the challenges you face on a daily basis. I believe in the strength of a pure soul. Your light is so vibrant that it breaks through anyhow. It won't be denied. I don't know how comforting that may be...I know that, being the person that you are, you will be able to appreciate the fact that it comforts me. I hope that it does you as well.

Clearly, you are a something, EN. You're a caring human being and a good person. Your parents could not ever diminish that. You shine through.

I'm sorry that it hurts. :(

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Dear Endlessnight,

I want to share an observation with you. And what I'm going to say might sound absurd at first, but please, stay with me!

One part of the beauty of successful parenting is that it's something that worked out despite all problems rearing their ugly heads. It's difficult. If it weren't difficult, the sense of achievement a happy family has at the end of the childhood road, just wouldn't be there. Another implication of this difficulty is that parenting will fail in certain situations. If it wouldn't, they wouldn't call it "difficult" in the first place.

What I'm trying to say is that by acknowledging these bad memories, even though they're still hurting, you too are playing your part in upholding the beauty of what parenting can be. You have refused to downplay all those things you feel you have missed out on. You remain connected to the idea of the harmonious family, in the same way that multiplying two negative numbers yields a positive number.

Once you will become fully aware of this meaning that's hidden behind your pain and suffering, you will discover that, paradoxically, it won't be necessary to feel the pain anymore. :(

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Dear EN,

I'm trying not to post here much, but I still read about my friends here (as I have 'promissed'); I can't stop, I feel I care and really need to 'stay in touch'. How are you these days?

L. :)

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Hello everyone. I am sorry I haven't replied sooner.

LaLa...thank you for the hugs and for asking about me. Other than being very busy, and feeling a little tired, I am well. I hope you are well also, and thank you for keeping in touch (like you promised ). (((((hugs)))) :)

IrmaJean, what you said about me made me cry. I have never really felt that I deserved to be loved, cared for or respected so your kind words affected me very much, and yes, they are a comfort to me. Thank you so much. :)

Hello Mary. Though I don't think that I have overcome 'the crap of life' yet, and am still in the process of trying to do that, I thank you for saying what you did. How are you? I haven't been on here much lately so I haven't had a chance to catch up with the threads yet, but I will soon. I hope and wish you success in overcoming your own 'crap'. :)

Hey, Lord Ebenezer, your name made me smile. Reminded me of a Dickens character. :) I hope you are right and that one day I won't feel this pain anymore.

My best wishes and thanks to everyone. Take care all of you lovely people out there!

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Endless,

I am pleased to hear that you are better now. Even though these things are far in the past, the human brain seems to not know that. That is why awful memories bounce back and make us feel awful again. But, you know what...why is it that we have an easy time remembering the bad things but not the good things?

Allan:)

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Allan,

why is it that we have an easy time remembering the bad things but not the good things?

I've often wondered that myself. I don't seem to have any good memories at all, only bad ones.

I have been feeling very lost and far away for a while now, but reading what you, my friends, have written here has brought me back to some extent. It made me feel again.

Thank you my dear friends. :)

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Hi Finding. I don't know what is wrong with me. For weeks now i've been feeling so disconnected with everything. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to feel or connect with anyone or anything. I feel so strange, and so lost still, I dont know what to do.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Endless,

Yes, we are your friends.

I agree that you may very well be experiencing severe depression.

Do you take medication and are you seeing a psychotherapist? You probably answered these things before but I need a reminder.

Also, even though you cannot remember any good memories in your life, I am sure they are there. Give it time and I bet they will come back into your memory. Let us know if and when that happens.

Allan:)

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Allan,

I do take medication but I am not seeing a therapist(there are none).

The meds I am taking now are 20mg Flozak in the morning, 25mg Endep at night, and the doctor said I could also take Lexotanil if and when things get really bad. I want to ask something though...is it possible for the body to build up resistance to the meds after some time? What I mean is, could it be that my meds no longer work as well as they did when I first started taking them? Could that be why I am feeling so depressed again?

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Yes, it's possible, the so-called "poop-out". Why this sometimes happens is not certain. Some of my meds have pooped out on me after a time. My personal theory is that our bodies are changing all the time, our brain chemistry must show subtle changes too and that, to me, explains why a time can come when a med is no longer effective. I have also found that sometimes after stopping a med because it's no longer effective, when I've restarted it again later, it works again (notably, Efexor.) Who knows what happens? There are other meds in both the Endep and Flozak categories and it might be worth a chat with the doc if you feel a lot worse? Any other reasons you can think of that you might be feeling worse?

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I don't really know why i've been feeling the way I have lately, but since you said that meds can lose their efficacy maybe that is the reason?

I know that when I think about what my life has been, the way I have been and am, that it's hard for me to understand why i'm still alive. My life has been one of waste. I've tried to find some purpose in my life, some reason to keep on living, but the truth is, there is none. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. All I know is that I wish I didn't have to go on, I wish that with all my being.

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