memories

[Endlessnight]

Hi Beth. I can't have plants that grow in soil in my room because of my asthma. I have some kind of leafy plant that grows in water, but it doesn't grow much and there are no flowers on it.

[Endlessnight]

Thank you Lala. I only like pictures of nature - with no people in them, lol. I love trees and I wish I could live in one.

[Endlessnight]

I've realised that I'm not taken seriously by my family. I've always been the joker, seemingly not taking things seriously, but it has been a cover for my feelings, not wanting anyone to know how much i hurt inside. Now I don't know how to not joke around. I do it automatically, in most situations. I have to be the one to make people laugh. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be taken seriously, and not as some sort of joke myself.

[Small]

I feel for you here. I used to have this need to compensate for my shortcomings by being entertaining. Like, it was a wall designed to distract people from my insecurities. This isn't uncommon. Anyway, I didn't embrace the role,  even though my family sort of expected it from me. I did pretty much the antithesis, which was never to portray enthusiasm and life, under the pretense that I was somehow to cool to try. That's worked well though these days, I'm myself. 

[Endlessnight]

Hello Small. I'm glad it worked for you. I wish I knew how to stop being a clown everytime I meet with family or friends.

[Victimorthecrime]

I was always the comedian too.  One thing I find nice about being somewhat lonely is I don't have to be 'on' for anyone.  Also the couple of friends I do see most often don't require me to be entertaining.  I hope you find ways of coping.  

[Small]

4 hours ago, Endlessnight said:

Hello Small. I'm glad its worked for you. I wish I knew how to stop being a clown everytime I meet with family or friends.

Hello. It's a difficult habit to break and usually, the Insecurity that this defence Is masking  must first be adressed before one stands a chance of removing the complex. Typically qualities that have you falling short of those you entertain, or falling short of their expectaions. I wish you luck In It.  

[Small]

3 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

I was always the comedian too.  One thing I find nice about being somewhat lonely is I don't have to be 'on' for anyone.  Also the couple of friends I do see most often don't require me to be entertaining.  I hope you find ways of coping.  

Yeah, this worked for me too. I'm glad you've overcome It. Have you been able to abandon this role whilst still In the presence of those you would typically entertain? I found this to happen for me over time.

[Endlessnight]

On 6/22/2016 at 3:43 AM, Small said:

the Insecurity that this defence Is masking  must first be adressed

How were you able to do this? 

[Endlessnight]

On 6/21/2016 at 0:36 AM, Victimorthecrime said:

I was always the comedian too.  One thing I find nice about being somewhat lonely is I don't have to be 'on' for anyone.  Also the couple of friends I do see most often don't require me to be entertaining.  I hope you find ways of coping.  

Do your friends know you are depressed? It's only recently that I admitted to a few friends of mine that I have depression. They are both westerners though married to Arabs. I haven't told anyone in my family about it.

 

[Victimorthecrime]

I don't consider myself to be clinically depressed but I do have some very low moments.  For me depression is like a moth at the window. If I don't turn off the light he'll find a way in. I do my best to enjoy life & to be grateful for the good things. That helps.

No I don't believe my friends think I am depressed but they know I struggle at times.  

Have you always been depressed or did a life event trigger it somewhere along the way?

[Endlessnight]

20 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

Have you always been depressed or did a life event trigger it somewhere along the way?

I've been depressed for most of my life. There have been events in my life that might have triggered it, or made it worse, or perhaps they were the reason I am depressed. I don't know as I've never been able to figure it out. I've never seen a therapist. The two defining things in my life that might have caused it were my mother and fathers acrimonious separation, and my 'kidnapping' by my father and it's consequences on my so called life.

[Victimorthecrime]

Ouch. That's sounds intense.  Isn't it amazing how childhood trauma just stays w us? I am 53 and still get flashbacks to events from 45 years ago.  Bullying by other kids, mean teachers, obnoxious family members, rejection by peers.  

Do you see any path to healing at the present time?  

[Small]

Just my opinion! 

 

Well, a quality opens a door, and the lack of that quality closes that door. Some people create door stoppers or defence mechanisms, which are complex or simple cognitive mechanisms that are designed to keep open a door by manufacturing or exaggerating a quality to the point it becomes a door stopper. 

 

Trying to keep open a door despite the lack of this quality usually comes in 3 forms, and require a lot of energy. This is because, the micro delusion creates by this stopper creates an upward shift of consciousness in the cognitive schema, thereby causing the conscious mind to detach itself with real and innate psychological and psychophysical attributes. The energy required to fuel this new subset of characteristics (one chain reacts into numerous) is almost exclusively from the conscious mind and social reinforcement, causing the person to become extroverted, especially when the defences are being used. 

 

The mind doesn't want the vulnerable psyche to face the reality that the individual isn't what they're desperately trying to become, so it invents a set misinformation tactics, designed to distract the individual and his/her peers from their shortcomings by creating an eccentric or lively personality. The most dangerous part of the process, is the disconnect or fracture between the conscious mind, and the innate self

This is a breeding ground for mental disorders because the ID (Freudian) is given room and resources to create all sorts of other delusions that can manifest as things like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorders, Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, body dismorphic disorders and other things.

 

3 categories or defences/stoppers/delusions:

 

Denial:

This is where a person flat out denies the shortcoming they're hiding even exists, by self assurance mechanisms

 

Linear Overcompensation:

This is where a person tries to improve themselves in this area, but the perception of effects are often exaggerated by the individual, which triggers a compensatory set of delusions. 

 

Indirect Overcompensation:

This is a person uses naturally existing, or manufactured qualities in a complete different area and uses it to convince themselves that these attributes surpass the ones they lack. 

 

Each of these has their dangers, which I can get into another time. I would always advice therapy or something that resembles that. Where therapy is absent, I'd say you might need to do some reflection, make a list of your shortcomings, and allow yourself time to accept each one. In time this should dispel the defences, and the "entertainer" personality type that's designed to conceal the fact that they are indeed poor imitations of the real thing.

 

 

[Endlessnight]

On 6/27/2016 at 5:35 AM, Small said:

Each of these has their dangers, which I can get into another time. I would always advice therapy or something that resembles that. Where therapy is absent, I'd say you might need to do some reflection, make a list of your shortcomings, and allow yourself time to accept each one. In time this should dispel the defences, and the "entertainer" personality type that's designed to conceal the fact that they are indeed poor imitations of the real thing.

Well, I did understand this. Sometimes I get confused by what I read, so some of your post wasn't very clear to me, but I understood this part. I can't get therapy, I can't afford it. I'm not sure I know what my shortcomings are, other than being anxious all the time...is that a shortcoming? Or impatient? Judgmental, I am that.

[Endlessnight]

On 6/26/2016 at 8:39 PM, Victimorthecrime said:

Ouch. That's sounds intense.  Isn't it amazing how childhood trauma just stays w us? I am 53 and still get flashbacks to events from 45 years ago.  Bullying by other kids, mean teachers, obnoxious family members, rejection by peers.  

Do you see any path to healing at the present time?  

Amazing? I would say awful. It's not so much flashbacks that upset me as the life I am living now. It is the life that is the result of those things - a life I didn't choose.

I think I have healed quite a bit though. I have (mostly) comes to terms with what I am and what my life is. I have no other choice other than to try and make peace with what it is.

[Endlessnight]

i know I say this every year - I hate Ramadan. I can't wait for it to be over - only around six or seven days left now though. Every year it's as though I put my life on hold for the month. I can't do anything. I hate how it turns everything upside down. I still have a huge problem with change. It upsets me too much.

[IrmaJean]

I'm not sure I handle change all that well either, M. At least now, though, I am able to accept that change is inevitable and I try to adjust when it happens. Are there any hobbies you enjoy that you are still able to do during Ramadan? I know there is fasting involved and that has to be challenging.

When you put up a comedic front for others, what do you think you are trying to avoid? 

[Small]

4 hours ago, Endlessnight said:

Well,  I did understand this. Sometimes I get confused by what I read, so some of your post wasn't very clear to me, but I understood this part. I can't get therapy, I can't afford it. I'm not sure I know what my shortcomings are, other than being anxious all the time...is that a shortcoming? Or impatient? Judgmental, I am that.

Sorry you didn't understand my post. I'm dyslexic and spell things wrong. What you are describing are symptoms. I was thinking along the lines of:

 

Looks

Intelligence

Academic achievements

Money

Career

How have you faired In these types of areas compared to your own expectations, the expectaions of your peers, and their achievements In the above areas.

[Endlessnight]

19 hours ago, IrmaJean said:

When you put up a comedic front for others, what do you think you are trying to avoid? 

I think I'm trying to avoid allowing others to see me as I really am. I have pretended to be someone I'm not for over 30 years now, so I'm scared I guess. 

[Endlessnight]

17 hours ago, Small said:

Sorry you didn't understand my post. I'm dyslexic and spell things wrong. 

Just to let you know - it wasn't your spelling I had trouble with, it's me. I find it hard to concentrate and sometimes get confused. I'll answer to the rest of what you wrote later.

[Endlessnight]

20 hours ago, Small said:

Looks

Intelligence

Academic achievements

Money

Career

How have you faired In these types of areas compared to your own expectations, the expectaions of your peers, and their achievements In the above areas.

I'm back. Looks, I've always been considered pretty, but I'm getting on now. I'm not that upset about losing my looks.

Intelligence: there is so much I could have done that would have improved it, and I regret it now.

Academic achievements: see the above. When they suggested I go to school here I refused because it my one of the only ways I could rebel and not do what they wanted me to do. I did attend school in England until I was 15. That's all the formal education I have had. If I have learned anything, it from books. They were my life-line.

Money: I don't have any and I don't know why not. At my age I should have money put away but I just don't.

Career: none to speak of. I work in a school because my English is very good I have been able to get teaching jobs, though right now I am doing odd jobs. My health has had negative consequences on my teaching.

So basically, I have nothing to be proud of, a lot to regret, and a lot of anxiety.

[Endlessnight]

Today is Eid! Ramadan is over! I can start to live my life again! It will probably take me at least to week to re-adjust but I'm just happy it's over.

[Resolute]

happy end of ramadan lol.

[Small]

1 hour ago, Endlessnight said:

Today is Eid! Raitadan is over! I can start to live my life again! It will probably take me at least to week to re-adjust but I'm just happy it's over.

Happy Eid to you & anyone else that celebrates It.