LaLa Posted July 7, 2016 Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 I'm also happy for you, M.! I hope you'll adjust sooner to "the normal" than you expect. Best wishes... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted July 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 22 hours ago, Small said: Happy Eid to you & anyone else that celebrates It. Thank you Small. I hope you are doing well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted July 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 9 hours ago, LaLa said: I'm also happy for you, M.! I hope you'll adjust sooner to "the normal" than you expect. Best wishes... Thank you, Lala. How are you? I noticed you hadn't been around so I hope things are well with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted July 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 I've done a lot of thinking about the past and my behaviour and actions and there is so much I am sorry for. I have forgiven my father but now I don't know how to forgive myself. For so long all I wanted was to face him and ask him 'why?', but now I wish I could see him one more time and ask him to forgive me. My father had such a hard life and I made it worse. I felt he was to blame for my suffering so I wanted him to suffer too, and I made sure he did, even though at the time it wasn't thought out in that way. I was in pain and I lashed out at the one person I knew wouldn't hurt me back - my father. I ruined his life and my own, truth be told. Though I've always blamed him I have a large part in that blame. I'm glad I can see things more clearly now, than I ever have in my life, but there are still so many regrets. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted July 7, 2016 Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 In hindsight regret can rear its ugly head, can't it? I hear you that it's painful. But maybe too you have grown in that you are able to see now what things may have been like for your father. I think when we try to understand others, it can increase the depth that we feel compassion and empathy. That can be a gift to yourself as well. Maybe one day you can let go of regret and offer your own compassion and empathy to yourself. I'm glad that Ramadan is over, M. Wishing you peace today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted July 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 23 hours ago, IrmaJean said: n hindsight regret can rear its ugly head, can't it? I hear you that it's painful. But maybe too you have grown in that you are able to see now what things may have been like for your father. I think when we try to understand others, it can increase the depth that we feel compassion and empathy. That can be a gift to yourself as well. Maybe one day you can let go of regret and offer your own compassion and empathy to yourself. I'm glad that Ramadan is over, M. Wishing you peace today. Hello Beth, how are you? Yes, I do feel that I have grown to some extent, and put some painful aspects of my life behind me. It's come at a price though - I've given up wanting a life different than the one I have - basically given up on any dreams of a better life. I'm trying to be content with what I have and where I am - not just psychically, but emotionally and mentally. The old M. inside me has been quiet for a long time now. She pops up now and again, but only briefly. LaLa 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted July 14, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 14, 2016 I am unneeded, unwanted. Wherever I go, whoever i'm with, I don't fit in. There is no place for me anywhere. I am totally unnecessary, most of all to myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victimorthecrime Posted July 14, 2016 Report Share Posted July 14, 2016 I have had a rough week too but I will post on my thread about that. Just wanted to say that I hope you can find your strength and let it grow. Wishing you a brighter day! A lot of the things you say I can really relate too like missing my dad who died when I was 27. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TooOld4This Posted July 14, 2016 Report Share Posted July 14, 2016 3 hours ago, Endlessnight said: I am unneeded, unwanted. Wherever I go, whoever i'm with, I don't fit in. There is no place for me anywhere. I am totally unnecessary, most of all to myself. I think it's good for you to post here, Endlessnight You fit in here, with us. We are a group of misfits, so we all can fit in together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted July 15, 2016 Report Share Posted July 15, 2016 ((((M)))) I'm sorry you feel unneeded and unwanted. Feeling left out can be very painful. I hope you feel better today. Sending care and love to you. @Victimorthecrime, I am sorry you had a rough week. I hope the weekend goes better. M, I apologize, I somehow missed you asking how I was. I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I'm well, thank you again for asking. LaLa 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mts Posted July 15, 2016 Report Share Posted July 15, 2016 - LaLa 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted July 15, 2016 Report Share Posted July 15, 2016 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted July 15, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 15, 2016 @Victimorthecrime I'm sorry you have had a rough week and I hope things get better for you. Thank you for your kind wishes. @TooOld4This You are right. I do fit in here, as much as I can fit in anywhere at least. Thank you. 9 hours ago, IrmaJean said: Feeling left out can be very painful. Yes it is very painful and sometimes it gets too much for me. I'm not doing so well today Beth. I feel funny and very depressed. I wish I could get on a bus or a train and just go somewhere to get away. Being in nature can make you realise how small your problems are and give some relief, unfortunately I have no way of being able to do that. I want to get out of my own head and thoughts and just forget. @mts Thank you so much. @LaLa Lala, your quote from John Milton is very real to me. I wish I could get away from the hell I've made in my head, or I wish I knew how to make it a heaven. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted July 16, 2016 Report Share Posted July 16, 2016 I'm sorry you're struggling, M. I have felt that pain, feeling on the outside looking in, and it hurts deeply. I think we all want to feel we belong. I'm glad that you feel more comfortable here. I enjoy being in nature and find it very healing and replenishing. I'm sorry you are unable to do that where you are. What else helps to quiet your mind, M? Would imagery possibly help? Sometimes if I can't get outside or if I feel anxious, I put on headphones and listen to my favorite singer. I close my eyes, listen, and let go...Sometimes I will use some imagery as I listen. I might imagine a force of love or light energy that emanates or anything else that feels soothing. If nothing else, it feels calming. I hope you are able to find some serenity today, M. LaLa 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted July 19, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 I am going to another city to attend a wedding. I should have been on my way to the airport but the flight has been delayed. I had to force myself to want to go. It's not that I don't want to attend the wedding, it's everything else that comes with having to give control of what I do to others. I will be staying at my uncles (women without a male guardian are not allowed to rent hotel rooms) and he only has 3 rooms, so I will have to sleep with his 3 daughters, which isn't a big thing in itself but I am used to my privacy and there I won't have any. I can't get up when I want to or do what I want. Also there will be other guests staying who have also come to attend the family wedding, so it will be crowded. My uncle doesn't have internet access so I won't be able to go online at all, which is a good and bad thing I guess. Bad because I can't keep in touch, but good because I spend way too much time browsing the net and playing games. Also, this being SA it's not like I can go out anywhere if I get bored, and since there won't be any privacy I will have to be in the company of the other women 24/7, which I am not looking forward to. We have almost nothing in common. It's considered very rude here to go off by yourself and sit alone which is what I will be longing to do. I will be staying a few days at the first city, then after the wedding I will be going to a small town in the middle of nowhere (literally) to stay with my other uncle and his family for a few days because there is another family wedding there. I am dreading this even more. I have a huge anxiety problem with giving up control of even the smallest part of my life. It comes from my having had zero control over it for so long that now I am almost sick with worry about it. You might wonder why I am going, that being the case. I'm going because I need to get out of my head and away from my daily life here and do something different. Okay, I've had my rant and I know I should be grateful I have somewhere to go and people to stay with. I just wish I could go where I could walk and walk and walk and not have to talk at all. I want to sit in nature and hear the rustling of the leaves and the birds singing; I want to lay down on green grass and look up at the sky and feel the wind on my face. I would die happy if I could do that just once. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Resolute Posted July 19, 2016 Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 not to suggest that we're the same in any way lol, but, i too value privacy and control very much. even tho it might be unlikely, i hope you have a good time at the weddings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted July 19, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 1 hour ago, Resolute said: not to suggest that we're the same in any way lol, but, i too value privacy and control very much. even tho it might be unlikely, i hope you have a good time at the weddings. Thank you, Resolute. Yes, privacy and control are things those of us with depression need to have, aren't they? I feel lost without either. I know I will enjoy the wedding themselves. As i said, it's the other part that I won't enjoy much. You are very thoughtful and kind to me, Resolute and i appreciate it very much. I have to go get ready to leave for the airport now. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted July 19, 2016 Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 I'm not sure I would do well with that situation either, M. I struggled a lot when I was caring for my father at home and couldn't leave the house at will. Though I enjoy people, I also need space and quiet time to myself. I think that may be common for introverts. I know I begin to feel stressed and irritable when I can't find time or the space to relax and recharge. I hope you can find some time to breathe within the moments and I hope maybe too you can enjoy yourself and have a bit of fun. Maybe the company could be nice too? I hope you can get out in nature soon in some way. Would you be allowed outside for a walk? Take care, M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Resolute Posted July 19, 2016 Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 2 hours ago, Endlessnight said: You are very thoughtful and kind to me, Resolute and i appreciate it very much. now i'm blushing . idk when i was so thoughtful and kind, but thanks. 2 hours ago, Endlessnight said: I have to go get ready to leave for the airport now. Take care. have a good flight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Resolute Posted July 19, 2016 Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 1 hour ago, IrmaJean said: I hope you can get out in nature soon in some way. Would you be allowed outside for a walk? yes, a nice walk in the desert perhaps lol. sorry, beth. i couldn't resist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted July 19, 2016 Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 I guess there isn't much countryside there, huh? I have some nature dvds that I would watch when I couldn't get outside. That isn't the same thing, of course, but maybe it might help a bit? Imagery? I bet you'd be great at that, M. I wish I could share my lovely homeland. @Resolute Yes, it's always fine to joke with me. Sometimes I walk right into it... Maybe you'll see some beautiful scenery while you're flying, M? I know how much k loved to fly. I hope you see some pretty nature while you're flying. Take care, M, and have a safe trip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Resolute Posted July 19, 2016 Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 actually, the desert thing reminded me of a joke which i'll post in my thread in the lounge. it contains mature content, tho, so beware. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight0 Posted August 4, 2016 Report Share Posted August 4, 2016 Hi everyone, I'm back, but I've gone and forgotten my password again so I made this new account - again! I was sure I had written it down but it seems to be wrong. I feel like an idiot. I'll write about my trip (which ended up being worse than I expected) later. I hope everyone is well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted August 4, 2016 Report Share Posted August 4, 2016 I sent you a pm, M, that will hopefully help you sign into your old account. Do you know I once locked myself out of the website when I changed my password? Wishing you well today and every day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Resolute Posted August 4, 2016 Report Share Posted August 4, 2016 hi m. sorry your trip was bad. i still can't wait to hear about it tho. 35 minutes ago, IrmaJean said: Do you know I once locked myself out of the website when I changed my password? lol. it would be funny if all the mods and admins got locked out . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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