memories

[Endlessnight]

Malign, no, I didn't do anything I was afraid 'I' might do. I am not feeling as scared of going to sleep (which it is time to do here) as I was last night after the nightmare, but I hate dreams, that are so scary they wake you up. I'm still not sure where that nightmare came from, or what it meant, but thank you for not laughing at my fears and for helping me to not be so afraid.

Thank you IrmaJean for your kind words and wishes of sweet dreams...I hope!

Goodnight to you both, take care.

[IrmaJean]

Here is a pretty photo to offer serenity.

The young woman stood by the edge of the sea as the waves came ashore. She felt the warm liquid flow over her feet, and then the coolness of the night air on her skin as the tide receded back into the ocean. She gazed off in the distance, her eyes fixed upon the vast body of water that surrounded her. There was definitely something soothing about this place.The wet sand squished between her toes as she stepped forward into deeper waters. When the water reached her waist, she stopped and listened to the rushing of the waves. The rhythmic sounds had a calming effect...

I pulled a little excerpt from an old fan fiction of mine. I've always especially enjoyed writing about the beach. Thought you might find it relaxing too. (((M)))

Edited February 10, 2011 by IrmaJean

[Endlessnight]

Hi IrmaJean, i'm happy to say that last night I didn't have any recurrance of the nightmare I had. That's a lovely picture and reading the words I almost felt I could feel the water between my toes. Thank you.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Endless,

Malign is correct, dreams come from our own uncious mind. One theory about dreams that I found helpful when working with my patients is that they represent things that we struggled with the day before. Its a way that the mind tries to solve problems while we sleep. There is physiological evidence to suport this. Its also a way for the brain to "clean house" so that we can function better the next day. There is evidence for this too.

One of the ideas I followed with patients and I continue with myself is that the dream represents aspects of myself. For example, I recently dreamt that I was a High School teacher, and I was in front of a math class. I felt unprepared and I could not control the kids in the class. I realized, the next day, that I had gotten behind on my work here. I also realized that I was feeling like a "bad kid" who is out of control. I was not out of control but it sometimes feels to me that I can't get a hold on somethings in my life.

Therefore, I wonder if its possible that you were feeling like a "demon" who was affecting everyone else, or, at least, part of you was feeling like a demon? Sometimes children are affectionately referred to as "little demons."

One more thing. When I am having a scary or disturbing dream, in my sleep, I remind my self that its only a dream. Dream sleep is not deep. We are just below the surface and we can do such a thing.

Don't be afraid of scary dreams. They are only dreams and nothing else.

Allan

[Endlessnight]

Hi Allan. If dreaming is a way for our mind to 'clean house' then my mind must be very musty and dusty! My dreams are so weird and sometimes very disturbing that I don't think I could ever really make sense of most of them.

I get that feeling of being behind or having things I should do but haven't gotten around to doing a lot. I hate that feeling! It makes me so anxious and tense!

I mentioned that earlier on the same day I had the dream, something at home had upset me a lot and all day i had this feeling of circumstances being totally out of my control, and that feeling is one I find it hard to cope with but was trying to come to terms with it so it wouldn't upset me so much. Perhaps this had something to do with my nightmare.

Thank you for making things a little clearer to me.

M.

[IrmaJean]

I would think of dreams as a means of working through things. That doesn't mean they are unclean, M, but rather unresolved in your mind. Dreams are symbolic in nature and the symbolism is likely unique to the individual. So what then does the representation of such in your dream mean specifically to you? I think it may also symbolize the intensity of the feelings behind it. So the symbolism may even be in the "out of control" feeling you had with the "demon" representing the intensity of that. Could be so many things. I find with myself if I explore the meaning behind things, it takes some of the intensity out of my response. This has been very useful to me. I'm glad you had pleasant dreams last night.

[Endlessnight]

Who is that in the mirror I see?

A stranger looking back at me.

She has gray hair among the black,

And when I smile, she smiles back.

I look deep into her eyes - is it someone I should recognise?

Who is that in the mirror I see?

I do not know; it can't be me.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Endlessnight,

That is a very beautiful poem but I think the person in the mirror that you are looking at is a very beautiful person.

Allan

[LaLa]

I like your poem, too, M.!!! And I hope you'll recognize the person in the mirror soon and will appreciate her as we do...

[Endlessnight]

Thank you LaLa and Allan. I hope I recognise her soon too LaLa! Not knowing who you are can be scary.

[LaLa]

Yes. Who you are, and also what you really want... But so many people succeeded, so why shouldn't we?

[Endlessnight]

I am feeling so low. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to be. Why can't I just die?

[finding my way]

EN, I'm so sorry you are hurting :( do you want to talk about it?

[notmary]

EN, I am sorry that you are in pain. I hope that you can find some peace and comfort. would it help to share what is going on?

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you are feeling sad, M. We're here to listen if you want to talk about it.

[Luna-]

I'm also sorry. Was there something specific that happened?

[Endlessnight]

I don't understand why I am like this. How I can feel i'm getting better, that's i'm progressing, one day - and the next feel so deeply depressed, as I am feeling now. I want so much to crawl under my bed and curl up and never have to come out. I don't want to think or feel, just lie there with my eyes closed forever.

[CantGiveItAway]

Im sorry your hurting, sometimes a good night sleep is really helpful...I know that doesnt offer much, but you said you are progressing and I think thats great:o

[randomperson]

I had the same thoughts just a few weeks ago. I want to say something I hope will help. You can make good progress and have spots where you are hurting still. When you come out of the storm the progress is still there

What you learned still helps.

You can grow and still have times where you are hurting. There is nothing wrong with that. I felt a little shame saying how much I learned then falling back so far.. but after I got out of my depression I realized there was nothing to be ashamed of. This is a marathon we are in not a sprint. As long as we take two steps forward and one step back we are still making progress. We just have to not give up.. that above all is the key. We have to keep each other strong during the hard times and give each other cheers during the good times.

I am sorry you are hurting but do not feel guilt. You are growing. We are here for you.

Edited February 28, 2011 by randomperson

[Endlessnight]

Thank you all for your concern, it does help ground me again.

Sometimes I feel like i'm a kite, floating away, that I have no substance at all. I know that sounds strange. Who am I? I feel like a nothing and a no one. Maybe that's just what I wish I was. I want to float away into nothingness.

Randomperson: thank you for your wonderful post.

I have been feeling confused and ashamed because one day I will be on here saying how great everything is and how much better I am, and the next I am like this, and that has made me even more depressed but reading your post, knowing that there are others who have the same thing happen to them has given me some comfort and I guess I need to stop feeling guilty about it, as you said, but it's so hard to not give up. I want to. I want the noise inside of me to stop. I want peace, I want to be quiet. I don't seem able to achieve that though.

[randomperson]

I know what you mean. So many times I have wanted to give up even lately.

I feel so hopeless at times. Somedays I don't see a future for myself.

But giving up just makes things worse.

Some friends here said I have been too hard on myself.. I thought long and hard about what they said and I realized I was. So what if I have highs and lows. I am still growing. I judged myself based on what I felt others were judging me on.

Then everyone here helped me to see I don't have to see life that way anymore. The people that think all these bad thoughts about me are not very nice. I am worried what mean people think about me and that is hurting me.. letting that sink deep into my brain helped. All of this..the tiny self doubts.. me being angry at myself.. it is all based on bullies reactions to me from the past and in the present.

I'm not perfect.. my words are far from perfect. But knowing this helps, knowing I am not a broken freak like I once thought helps.

Not that I won't go down again.. I am sure I will. But I have this place now as my life line. That gives me comfort.

Not sure if these words will help like I hope they will. But I hope you can see some similarities and maybe have some peace from knowing your not alone and the way we feel is not as odd or off as we think.

Edited February 28, 2011 by randomperson

[Endlessnight]

I know that I most definitely am my own worst enemy. I judge myself much harsher than perhaps other people would. I agree that we need to go easier on ourselves, give ourselves a break even if no one else will.

Randomperson you are able to express, to put into words the things I find hard to say.

I'm not perfect.. my words are far from perfect. But knowing this helps, knowing I am not a broken freak like I once thought helps.

Not that I won't go down again.. I am sure I will. But I have this place now as my life line. That gives me comfort.

Not sure if these words will help like I hope they will. But I hope you can see some similarities and maybe have some peace from knowing your not alone and the way we feel is not as odd or off as we think.

I agree with what you wrote, none of us is perfect that's for sure. I want you to know that your words have helped me and I appreciate it very much. Thank you.

[randomperson]

Thank you.. I am so glad. It seems like you are feeling a bit better

Everyday is a struggle right now for so many of us. We have to look at the big picture and keep trying to move forward. Somedays today included I need to read my own posts haha.

For example I was kicking myself again for not being better. Today for not understanding why people ignore me sometimes. If it is for an extended period I get upset.. the little kid inside me says "I am hurt they must not want to be my friend". Granted I over emphasized the words.. but the point is still there.

Sometimes I over react to it and cause real damage. I was kicking myself for that today.. then I re read my own post. Somehow I need to find balance.. that is what I am currently struggling with.

Your not alone.. please know this. Keep up the good fight, we will all make it through together

A straw alone will break under the slightest pressure but combined together in unity will not fold to the strongest of winds.

[LaLa]

EN, Randomperson, thank you for your posts, too...

Hugs!!!

L.

[Endlessnight]

When I wrote about wanting to curl up under my bed forever someone told me that when I feel like that I should try and find a 'safe' place, remember a time when I felt completely safe and go back there. I thought about that a lot but I was unable to remember a time when I felt completely safe and that was a realisation that I didn't really want to have. Now I have to face up to that and go on from there if I can. I'm not sure how to do that.

Randomperson what you mentioned about yourself:

For example I was kicking myself again for not being better. Today for not understanding why people ignore me sometimes. If it is for an extended period I get upset.. the little kid inside me says "I am hurt they must not want to be my friend". Granted I over emphasized the words.. but the point is still there.

I understand that feeling well. I am very insecure. If someone doesn't get in touch with me right away, or if I feel that someone is 'ignoring' me, my anxiety kicks into high gear. This is me: 'What did I do to offend them?' or ' they must not like me' I know it's childish but I just don't know how to NOT think that way. The feelings of worthlessness, self hatred, and insecurity just overwhelm me.

Somehow I need to find balance.. that is what I am currently struggling with.

I agree with you Random. We need to find that balance.

Your not alone.. please know this. Keep up the good fight, we will all make it through together

Thank you.

I hope we will one day be able to say we have achieved that. I hope we can help each other.

I've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately because my work hasn't been going great. When I left my previous job I had hoped this job would be much less stressful and I would have more time to concentrate on making me well, but that hasn't happened. I know the reason is probably 90% my own doing. I stress over the smallest things to the point of obssession. The job is still a good one but my feelings of insecurity have really had a negative effect on my job performance and I don't know what to do! It's one of the reasons i want to hide somewhere and not have to face anything because I go to pieces! I want to not have to face up to my own uselessness.

I do want to thank everyone that hasn't given up on me even when I have given up on myself. Without all of you I don't know if I would have made it. ((((((hugs)))))) to everyone.

Edited March 3, 2011 by Endlessnight