memories

[finding my way]

You are doing some brave work, En. You are getting a perspective on some difficult stuff... I'm glad you are able to be patient with you!

[Endlessnight]

Hi Finding, thank you. How are you doing?

I have just been re-reading some of my earliest posts and I feel I have changed so much since those early times here on the forum - but not in a good way. I was so open, so clear. Much more compassionate than I feel I am now. What has happened to me? I found myself liking that me a lot more than I like this me now. I am sad about how I have changed and become almost a stranger.

[IrmaJean]

Maybe you need to connect with compassion for yourself too? It works both ways for me. If I offer compassion to others, I feel it from inside and this comforts me. Possibly if you connect with that energy it can soothe you and help you feel compassion for you too? I hope you can be gentle with yourself.

Take care.

[Endlessnight]

My friend lost her 13 year old daughter in a drowning accident, Thursday. I went to give my condolences Friday, and as I hugged her and told her how sorry I was, she told me not to say sorry, she had had her for 13 years and now she has gone back to God, and when she saw me crying she wiped my tears and told me not to be sad. I felt awed to be in the presence of such strength and faith. I know it will only get harder in the coming days and not easier, shock can prevent us feeling much at first, but then later, it hits hard. I pray that God may give her and her family comfort and strength to get through this.

[IrmaJean]

That is very tragic and sad, M, and it's okay that you feel sad about it. Feelings are all okay and natural to have. I think everyone has to find their own path when moving through grief. I hope your friend has good support through this. I hope she finds the way that works best for her healing. I imagine she appreciates your care and support.

Take care.

[Endlessnight]

Thank you Beth. I went back to see her Saturday, and as I hugged her, this time I felt her give a huge sob and I held her tighter and told her it was okay. I hope she does let her grief out, perhaps it will give her some relief?

[IrmaJean]

It's going to be a bumpy road, lots of emotions...I think you help her by being there, supporting, listening, accepting, and by being a caring friend.

How are you feeling, M?

[Endlessnight]

Beth, I would say I'm okay, only my actions speak otherwise. Yesterday at work, when I was given my check and had to sign my name for it, I spelt my own name wrong, and before that, in class, a member of the administration asked me if I had a certain student so and so in my class, I told her no. She asked me again and again I said no. She said are you sure and I told her I was certain. But when she checked her list the girl was listed as being in my class so I checked my list and she was. The admin took me by the shoulders and shook me and said 'Ms. M., what's wrong with you lately?'

I feel I have no presence of mind - whatever that is - but I am unable to concentrate in the here and now and I don't know why not.

[finding my way]

Would a change in nutrition help, En? Are you able to sleep?

[Endlessnight]

Finding, I am sleeping okay. I do wake up quite a bit during the night, but I am able to go back to sleep. What do you mean about my nutrition?

[finding my way]

Eating some fresh fruit and vegetables each day? Adequate protein? I find I have to stay away from eating wheat...

[Endlessnight]

I try and eat fresh fruit and vegetables every day, and I think I get enough protein. What happens when you eat wheat?

[finding my way]

I get an inflammation response. It took me a while to be convinced to go off of it, but it made a big difference for me. Not saying you need to do that, just wondered if nutrition was a factor for you. Over in the US we have so many that do not eat properly. Exercise is another one. It can really help too!

[IrmaJean]

M, I have been having memory lapses myself recently, and I know they can be frightening. Mine could probably be attributed to insomnia and lack of sleep, though. Do you ever find time to wind down and relax, maybe listen to some pretty music? Maybe resting your mind could help you to concentrate later at times when you need to. I also agree about exercise. This really helps to clear my mind and I always feel invigorated afterwards.

Take care.

[Endlessnight]

Thank you both for your advice. I know I do need to exercise more. I try to eat healthy foods, but I don't always do that. My weakness is sweet things like cake. It's my comfort food. I know it's bad for me to eat too much, but the sweet lover inside me tells me what does it matter if you eat too much cake, you are going to die someday?

I also know a lot of the problem is stress, I can't concentrate on the here and now my mind is always somewhere else, even though I don't even realise it at the time. That's what I meant by my not having any presence of mind.

[IrmaJean]

I like chocolate, M, so I can relate. I think it's okay to treat yourself now and then.

I think I understand what you mean; you're having some brief dissociation. I can also relate to this. I think age, stress, fatigue may all play a part. Sometimes too much external stimulation can do that to me as well. Too much intake and my mind wants to check out.

Are you able to do anything that helps alleviate your stress? I hope you can be gentle with you.

Wishing you a serene day.

[Endlessnight]

Oh Beth, I am so tired. I want to give up. I have nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to, nothing to make me want to live past this day. I am so tired of life.

[IrmaJean]

I hear you, M. So sorry you are feeling down and sad.

If you could imagine a life you wanted, what might that look like? Can you take any steps to reach toward what you want? Is there any chance you can get away from the place you're in?

I'm always happy to share my energy with you, if my thoughts and care might help.

Your avatar photo is very beautiful.

I hope that you can find some peace today.

[Luna-]

M, how do you feel about pets? Is there any chance you could have a pet there? Do you grow potplants? Having something that I have to keep going has helped me when I have seen no other reason. They may not be the greater meaning that you seek, but small things add up. - ?

[finding my way]

Sending you rest and comfort inside the spaciousness of this present moment, En. I'm so sorry for this hurt

[Endlessnight]

Beth, Luna, Finding, thank you for your kind thoughts. I've heard that my brother wants to move to a small village in the middle of nowhere because he thinks opening some small business there might have a better chance of working than one here in the city. I understand why he wants to do it but it's freaking me out. I can't uproot myself, I can't, I can't I can't. I have made some sort of life for myself, it may not be the life I wanted or hoped for, but it's all I have, and to have to go off to a place where I won't be able to go out with my friends or have any measure of freedom to do so - just the thought is causing me such anxiety I feel I can't breathe. But how can I stay here alone? I don't even know if I have a job or not - i've been working from day to day not knowing. I can't pay for rent for a room for myself, even if my family would let me stay here alone, which they might not. The feeling of not wanting to be, of hiding away somewhere, burying my head in teh sand, it's just so overwhelming.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you are feeling such strain and anxiety, M.

What do you want to do? If you want to stay where you are, maybe you could take steps to make that a possibility? Change can feel frightening, I understand. I have trouble with it too. Maybe, though, this change could be positive for you? Are you able to sit with the possibility?

Sending my care.

[Endlessnight]

Beth, I don't really have any concrete idea of what my life would have been like if things had been different, I just know this isn't the life I would have chosen for myself. But it's my life now and I've accepted that.

where would I go and what would I do if I left here? The people I care for now are here, and it's such an 'achievement' for me to even be able to say I care for anyone that I couldn't face having to start life over again, for the third time. I guess what I'm most upset about is my own inability to make choices and follow them through. I have lived each day as though it were my last (I've hoped so anyway), but here I am, still living, like it or not, so now I'm left to try and make sense of it all, and especially my own carelessness in my life in so many ways. I never cared about taking care of myself so now I have health problems. I never cared to save money because I always expected that sooner rather than later, I would die and wouldn't need it, so I am bankrupt. I never listened to friends who told me that I should study, graduate from high school, get a degree. I have never had the energy or the will to do any of those things.

If someone were to ask me to make a list of my achievements in my life I wouldn't be able to think of one thing. I don't want to feel this despair, but things are just getting to me and overwhelming me, and what I am overwhelmed with the most is the realisation of the mess I have made with my life and I don't want to have to face the consequences of that - I can't handle it.

[IrmaJean]

Maybe start with today?

I get the sense that some part of you is frustrated with you. I hear you. Do you perhaps have another part who is gentle with you? Life has not been easy and you are doing the best you can.

I guess what I'm most upset about is my own inability to make choices and follow them through.

Are you able to observe this awareness without self-judgment? What do you think prevents you from making choices?

I today is okay for you, M. Take care.

[LaLa]

(((M)))

It seems to me that the idea of leaving the life you have now at least enabled you to better notice your achievement: having friends you don't want to leave. Having good friends, reaching out, thinking about your past, family, and life and realizing new insights (although often painful), so getting closer to knowing your true self - that certainly are some valuable achievements.

I'm sorry it's so scary now and you have to face these extreme incertitudes :( I wish I had a good advise that would really help...

I wish you mostly not to fall into despair! You still have time to think about your options, haven't you?