Endlessnight Posted June 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2013 Fear of any kind of change makes me unable to make choices. It scares me to death to do anything outside of what I know and do every day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted June 5, 2013 Report Share Posted June 5, 2013 Here's a thought to mix into that: Doing exactly what you do every day is also a choice. There's no escaping choosing.And the flip side: Aren't you also afraid of being the same forever? We need to get you connected to that part, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 7, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2013 Standing still is what I do best, and feel most comfortable doing. Whenever I am unsure, I do nothing. I know it is a cowards way of doing things but I've known I'm a coward for a very long time now.What's ironic is that I feel I have overcome my past for the most part, it's the future that has me scared sick. I think I've become more realistic about things in that I no longer want things I know I cannot, will never be able to , have. I want a future, a reasonably comfortable one. I don't expect to be actively happy, just not unhappy, not being anxious and afraid all the time. Comfort. That is my one desire. What I am hating about myself though is the knowledge that I have been unable to work towards a single goal in my life and achieve that goal. When I was younger all I dreamed about was going back to England, it was all I thought about. I no longer even want that because it wouldn't be the life it would have been if I had gone back when I wanted to. I've been told by a friend that if I did go to England now, and told 'them' (whoever they are - some government agency I guess) how I'd been 'kidnapped' by my father etc. they would be required to give me housing and pay me a monthly allowance to live on, since I am a British subject. But to what end? The only people I care about are here now. I got in touch with my cousins in England, it was great. I was a 3 day wonder but now everyone has gone on with their lives, I am old news. I know what is causing me all this stress: money, plain and simple. If i had that I wouldn't have to worry about being able to work or not, I wouldn't have to worry about my brother moving somewhere else, I would be able to, for the first time in my life, choose the direction of my life and actually make it happen. But I've messed that up as I've messed up everything in my life. I've either made bad choices or I've made none at all, which was probably worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted June 8, 2013 Report Share Posted June 8, 2013 While you are standing still can you meditate, En? Empty the mind of thoughts and just open to a little spaciousness? Everyone needs a break from the thought universe from time to time... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 13, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 The girl that was inside of me, was in so much pain, seems to be at peace now. I seem to have been able to give her that. Why can't I give this person I am now peace too? It seem to me that my life circumstances are always dependent on others, my happiness on others, my choices on others. What is wrong with me?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted June 13, 2013 Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 Could this be a time of growth even though it looks like only stress?Can you spend a little time with the various parts inside you and hear there different perspectives, En? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 13, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 Finding I am feeling so depressed right now I can't think. All I feel is that everythign is wrong most of all me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 13, 2013 Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 Can you do anything to get more in touch with yourself, M? Maybe that could be soothing? How is your physical health?I'm sorry you're hurting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 13, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 Beth I hate myself I hate my life I don't know what to do I want it all to end otehr people have control over their lives why have i always allowe dothers or the things around me to control mine? why am I so useless and stupid that i've allowed that and never had control over anything? because i'm so weak and stupid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 13, 2013 Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 There is a part of you who is frustrated and self-critical. I hear your feelings. We all have vulnerable parts; I do too. Maybe there is a part of you who can provide what you need, but this part needs to be nourished and brought to light. Is there a way to connect with the part of you who feels afraid to make choices? Maybe know what that fear is about? I think it helps to listen to our needs and learn healthy self-care. It's stuff I've been working on too. It can get better, even if it's hard to see right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 13, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 i am feeling worthless and pathetic right now. knowing i have made such a mess of my life. knowing that even now, I am afraid to take control of my own life i want others to solve my problems fo rme. i want others to tell me what to do and how to heal myself. i'm useless Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 13, 2013 Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 I'm sitting here with you, M. I hear you.Can you breathe a space between you and these feelings? You aren't your feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 13, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 Thank you for being here for me Beth, but it doesn't change the fact of how useless I am. The other day a good friend mentioned she might have to leave this country and I almost panicked thinking what would I do without her? I depend on her for so much. I don't ikinow how to depend on me because I am not dependable, not even with myself. How can i have ever thought that I was better? Better at what? I'm still useless and pathetic and worhtless Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 13, 2013 Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 I'm listening and I hear you, but I don't agree with your inner critic.I think sometimes it can be even harder to take care of ourselves. It's something we have to learn as adults if we didn't learn it in childhood. This can be challenging, but it's possible. Self-confidence can take time to grow.You mentioned having a good friend. What do you think your friends see in you? Can you see that in yourself? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 13, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 I have no idea what my friends see in me as I don't think there is anything there to see. I have calmed down now though, and though I'm still depressed, i'm not feeling like I was a short while ago.Thank you Beth for being here for me. Thank you Finding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 13, 2013 Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 It's good you are feeling calmer.I'm glad I could be here for you. Offering support to friends helps me to connect with my light, thank you.I hope you can connect with you today, M. Thinking of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted June 13, 2013 Report Share Posted June 13, 2013 Oh En, I am so sorry you hurt :( wishing you peace today!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2013 I'm on my way to work now, and I know, in the taxi, I will be thinking about being hit by another car and dying. Every day I think the same thing. Or I think about walking somewhere and being hit by a car. Or if I feel a small pain in my chest or elsewhere I think (hope) it might be cancer, and I'm glad. Every night I have nightmares, I'm not sleeping. I don't know what's going on with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 18, 2013 Report Share Posted June 18, 2013 Do you feel anxious about bad things happening, M?Can you do something to bring a moment of peace in your heart?I'm sorry things are so confusing and difficult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2013 No Beth. I want something bad to happen to me. I wish it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted June 18, 2013 Report Share Posted June 18, 2013 En, that is a sure way to unravel your mental health, to be so against yourself. :( It may seem like a way to gain control in an out of control situation, but it is at a very real cost.Can you find one thing, no matter how small, that you are in control of that you can feel positive about and build from there? You may feel very stubborn about this tactic for self destruction --- many here know it and have been there--- but there are other ways to be stubborn!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2013 Finding, I don't think I'm being stubborn. I just want it all to end. I want to be free of this prison of flesh and bone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 19, 2013 Report Share Posted June 19, 2013 I hear you, M. I'm sorry you are feeling so down. What do you think you need to feel better about yourself and your life?You write about being in a prison of flesh and bone. Are there parts of you who feel trapped? How can you help yourself be alive and free? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted June 19, 2013 Report Share Posted June 19, 2013 Would a shift in meds help any, En?Is there anyone you can talk to about how you are feeling? Can any of your friends relate? I'm so sorry for this pain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted June 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2013 Depression is something never spoken about here, especially in my family who probably don't know it exists. I don't even know the word for it in Arabic. My two close friends know I take meds for it, but as far as discussing it goes - no. Besides, does discussing it really accomplish anything? I write here, this is where I know I will be understood. Finding I'm not happy with my meds but I can't afford to go see the doc right now. There is no point to my life and never has been. I do feel that 'I' am trapped inside of this body and I want out and the only way out I see is when this body dies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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