memories

[Endlessnight]

Luna you asked me once about having plants or getting a cat and I wish I could but I can't because of my asthma. The doctor said I can't. I want something to love or someone to love me. I feel so alone. I wish I couild share the love I know I have deep inside me.

[IrmaJean]

What about a dog, M? Most people who are allergic to cats aren't allergic to dogs. Or there are hairless cats...I think most of the allergies stem from the dander and saliva. You'd want to check with your doctor first, though.

It's great that you know you have love inside you. Can you see that as a light and one of your gifts? I'm sorry you feel alone.

[finding my way]

Wishing you well today, En!

[Endlessnight]

Thank you Finding, I wish the same to you.

[LaLa]

M., I wasn't here for few weeks, so I'd like to say Hello...

How are you these days? Anything new about the moving or something else?

In the context of pets: What about a turtle? (It shouldn't be a problem even with asthma and it's not very "needy" (= no expensive food, long walks, ...).)

I wish you well, too...

[finding my way]

Great idea, LaLa! What do you think, En?

[Luna-]

I like the hairless cat idea - but I am so a cat person. Contrary to the impressions of non-cat people, they can be very affectionate. Mine is currently lying snoozing under my elbow, tucked right up against me (I am lying back in bed with my laptop). How difficult might it be to find a hairless cat where you are, M? And what do you think of the idea?

[Endlessnight]

Hi Luna, how are you? I am enjoying reading your weekend break thread. I thought I had posted on it a few days ago, but it's not there now so I mustn't have pressed post or something.

I love cats too, I had one when I was young, but I don't think I could get even a hairless cat - not because of my allergies, but because people here don't keep pets, and I know my brother and his family wouldn't want one in the house. I think cat is really the only pet I would like to have though, I'm not fond of reptiles - we have enough lizards here as it is!

Welcome back Lala. I am typing this while having breakfast, so I'm on my way to work. I'll write more about what's been happening here when I come home.

[LaLa]

We are both on-line!

Enjoy your meal!

Lizards?! Interesting...

Glad to hear you're going to work = still working!

Have a nice day!

Hugs,

L.

[LaLa]

I like the picture, finding!

I used to have a turtle (and several other pets) as a kid... BTW, I'm also "a cat person", but I'm allergic to cats (as well as dogs). However, I think it gives a better proof of how I like them, because I used to spend very much time with one cat (my grandma's) for quite many years, despite my allergy (which included problems with nose, eyes, and skin). I don't recommend it , but I've never regretted it!

Well, I should go to sleep now...

[malign]

En, maybe you could sell your relatives on the idea of a cat, as a lizard-hunter? The cat would probably at least try ... though it couldn't climb walls like they can.

[Endlessnight]

I don't know why I've been absent from most of my life, but that absence has meant I have made a mess of it, have failed at it. I know life isn't a test, or maybe it is, but one I don't know the answers to. Why am I who I am? I am so weak. So many times, so many of you have asked me what kind of life I want, have suggested me moving to the west. I don't know where I belong, I don't know what I am. I feel like nothing actually. One big empty space. I'm surprised people can actually see me. I don't want to be seen. I feel like a ghost. what am I? will I die without ever knowing the answer to that? It's such a struggle to exist. I don't want to. If this is God testing me, then I know I have failed. Please let me have an end to myself I'm so tired and don't have anything to look forward to or even keep me living day to day. I am a waste of life and breath. I don't want to stop typing, I want to go on and on and on and on and on until somethign happens but notning will.

[Endlessnight]

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I’ve made mistakes

I’ve let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry things are so painful for you, M. Does expressing your sadness bring any relief?

I am a waste of life and breath.

I hear your inner critic, but I don't agree...

What would you tell a friend who said the same? Is there any way to get some space from the words and your self? Maybe this would help breathing be easier and freer?

I'm here, I'm listening, and I care.

[LaLa]

(((M)))

We want to see you and to hear you...

I know your particular story and I understand why looking at your life can make you feel the way it does . But when I read about your feelings and thoughts and questions, I can relate, even though my life is so different. And I'm sure many people can, in very diverse circumstances. I guess there are not many who can say "who they really are" among those who genuinely tried to find out (= didn't satisfy themselves with just a very superficial answer). It seems to be a trait of human mind that it always generates questions - and the desire to know the answer! - which cannot be answered exactly. We all have to live with lots of uncertainties...

I don't deny that your life is unusual, but there have been so many people with unusually hard lives and I know a part of them became able to acquire a helpful position, to "resolve" somehow their internal conflicts, ... so it gives me a big hope that it's not impossible for you either.

I would never argue with your feelings, but I think I can question them by asking about alternative approaches to your past, future, and present.

I have one question for you, evoked by your post: How do you imagine a life which you would consider "meaningful enough"? (I'm planing to post and ask more about it after you'll have answered.)

Take care!!!

P.S.:

I like the way you put your feelings in your poem...

Edited July 2, 2013 by LaLa3
some minor changes

[Endlessnight]

I came back today to delete what I had written, but since both of you have replied I won't.

Beth, thank you for caring - I wish I could care too. I don't know how to get 'space' between how I feel and 'myself'. I know I allow my feelings too much control over 'me'. I do feel I have failed on so many levels though, that I could have been so much more than I am, and I don't mean in regards to material things or being a success other than in myself, inside of myself.

Lala, the words are from a song 'Worn', I didn't write them, but they express how I feel only I left out the words of hope that are in the song because I don't even want the hope any more.

I know there are so many people that have had much worse lives and much greater hardship than what I have had in mine, and it makes me guilty at times to complain the way I do. My 'hardship' has mostly been caused by me myself. My inability to adjust, to accept, to forgive, to let go of regret and bitterness. I thought I was learning to adjust and accept the life I have now, but so many things are happening now that I feel lost and once again, that things are out of my control, a feeling that scares me so much because it reminds me of my past, so I am feeling overwhelmed again.

[IrmaJean]

M, you are being so hard on yourself. Can you think of what your self-critical part might be protecting or what that part needs?

...so many things are happening now that I feel lost and once again, that things are out of my control, a feeling that scares me so much because it reminds me of my past, so I am feeling overwhelmed again.

I hear that it is frightening for you. Do you have any choices about what has been happening? What can you do to empower yourself?

Thinking of you, M.

[LaLa]

M., I didn't mean / suggest to compare you to those who "have it worse". (I used to compare myself that way for many years and I know how frustrating an totally unproductive it can be...) It's certainly good to be aware that one is not in "one of the worse possible situations", but... all I can take from it is just hope: That some of those who "have/had it worse" succeeded to build a helpful attitude and some even changed their lives dramatically (for better).

I suggested to imagine what you would like to have achieved in your life (so far), because then I very probably could tell you that there are people who have achieved all that but still are unhappy and chased by remorses, existential questions, ... There are people who say they have "all they wanted" but still feel empty, depressed, unsatisfied with their lives, ... And it evokes to me the idea that then perhaps the opposite may happen, too: Somebody who doesn't "like" his/her life finds his/her "peace of mind" despite the life. (And there are documented stories with would interpret as showing (also) this kind of change. However; everybody's story is different, each of us needs to find his/her own way...)

[Endlessnight]

Beth, I don't seem able to see any choices in front of me right now. I had been trying to get my life under my control so the circumstances now, many of which are out of my control, are overwhelming me.

Yesterday was my last day at work. Ramadan starts next week so I wanted the month off as a holiday. I don't know if I will have work to go back to after Ramadan though, because this sponsorship thing is ongoing and I am so worried about it.

My brother has been at home now for months. Every day he gets up around 4pm. He eats lunch and then sits in the lobby to play video games online. He curses non stop while playing, and he is like a bomb waiting to go off. He screamed at me for no reason the other day. I passed him by on my way to the kitchen and he screamed 'who do you think you are looking at?' at me. He was red in the face and so mad he was practically spitting at me. I was so shocked I couldn't say anything I just looked at him then I said 'what?' and he screamed that back at me so I just ignored him and went into the kitchen. It upset me so much though, being screamed at for nothing. It's reminding me of our past, of how he used to be, taking out his anger on me, and it scares me, he's always scared me.

Ramadan starts next week - a month of pretending, of lying. One of the reasons I hate myself so much, something I can't talk about in public like here.

Lala, I know you weren't comparing my situation to that of anyone else, I was though. What I meant was that the person I am now is not someone I like or would want to be, given the chance to change things, which I know can't happen. I don't handle stress or anxiety well. I give up when i'm feeling stressed or anxious. I don't like that about myself.

Ken, thank you for writing. How are you doing? Better than me I hope. You are probably right about my meds, but I can't afford to see the doc right now, If it was just once, I could, but they always ask me to come back in a couple of weeks and I have to pay again and again, which I can't afford to do, so I don't' really think going once will be of much help to me, since I know my treatment is long term.

Mark, when I said people here don't have pets, I meant that literally. My family (including me) are scared of lizards so imagine how much more afraid they are of cats. It's not like anyone we visit has a pet so they are used to them.

I am so sorry I always let everyone down. I do appreciate how you all suggest things for me, try to help me, and i know I let you down time and time again. I hate myself for that. Please forgive me, if only I could be a better person.

[LaLa]

M., please, don't think that you're letting us down!!! It's not "your fault" that our suggestions "don't work for" you!! Imagine, for instance; how could you be responsible for the fact that having a pet is almost impossible for you?? It's just that we don't know enough the environment you live in, so our suggestions, based on our experiences where we live, are sometimes inapplicable. Yes, of course it would be wonderful to see you forgiving yourself, stop the ongoing remorses, ... but we all know very well how hard this "task" is, how long it usually takes, and how beneficial it can be to do it with help of somebody in person (mainly a therapist, which you cannot meet). I think most (if not all) of us have struggled with similar issues, just in other contexts (I'm still struggling with some issues, even after therapy, for instance). So there's no reason why we would blame you for "letting us down"! We like you the way you are; for us, you don't need to become "a better person". But we also can see your longing for a change - and I agree that it would be beneficial for you (and thus also pleasant for us) to "become a less suffering, more (emotionally) balanced, more contented person" - but that doesn't mean "better". You're not "bad".

(It's all from me for now as I have to go.)

[IrmaJean]

I had been trying to get my life under my control so the circumstances now, many of which are out of my control, are overwhelming me.

It must feel frightening that circumstances are out of your control. If you feel unable to make any choices right now, maybe you can make a choice to try to care for yourself in the moment? Are you able to offer comfort and support to the part of you who feels overwhelmed?

It upset me so much though, being screamed at for nothing. It's reminding me of our past, of how he used to be, taking out his anger on me, and it scares me, he's always scared me.

Walking on eggshells in fear of another person's anger all of the time can be extremely stressful, I hear you. I'm sorry your brother treats you this way. Are you able to distance yourself any from his responses? I don't know how much that might help, but it seems to help me cope with another person's angry response that has been directed at me. Your brother's behaviors are about him and not you. Try, if you can, to not allow his words to "attach" to you. This doesn't excuse his behavior in any way, but it may help you to get some distance from it.

What about fish? Could you have a fish tank perhaps? H and I had several tanks some years ago and I found them relaxing.

I don't hold you to any expectations, M. I struggle too, at times. There is no way you could ever let me down. I wish you wellness, self-acceptance, good health, and happiness.

[Endlessnight]

The bank called me a couple of days ago, they said I have to re-do the information I updated only ten days ago. On the form they gave me they wanted my address, phone no. etc. in Yemen, since on my ID card it says I am of Yemeni nationality. I told them I had never lived in Yemen. They didn't like that, insisting I must put something. I told them I was born in England, they said I should put an address in England on the form then. When I told them I didn't have an address in England they didn't seem to understand and insisted I write something, so I wrote the name of the city and the country only. Now they are calling me back. The part that's worrying me is the part where I wrote that I worked part time though on my ID card it says I am not allowed to work. They could deport me over this. I have been delaying going because of that but tomorrow I have to. I don't know what's going to happen.

[Luna-]

What a worrying situation. I really hope it clears up for you.

[LaLa]

(((M.)))

I'm sorry that I can't find a useful advise, it's very complicated...

I hope so much that you'll be safe and no serious problem is going to arise...

Why do you have to disclose to the bank that you've been working? It's because they need to know where your money comes from? And couldn't your brother declare that it's from him - sort of pocket-money?...

Could you, at least, consult the situation with your brother? Maybe (I don't know) he's partially responsible for it. But in any case, he's "involved", he's your closest relative, so... I imagine he should try to help you!

I wish you the best of luck!!!

[Endlessnight]

Wanted to let you know that things went well at the bank. There were no problems, thankfully.