memories

[Endlessnight]

Dear Lala, thank you for the beautiful pictures and for the music you shared. I am listening to it now as I type. There are a couple of pieces of classical music, one being the one I posted, that for me "....express the inexpressible".

I never really answered any of the questions you asked me, One was about being able to change my sponsor so I could work. There are many caveats in that permission. First they only accept those with degrees, Second, age has a part in it too. I am close to retirement age so they would be less likely to accept me even if I had degrees, which I don't. Also if a school or company agrees to 'sponsor' you, they are supposed to pay for insurance. Neither companies or schools want to do that. I know of many instances where people have changed their sponsorship onto their place of work but have been denied insurance and other benefits and there is nothing they can do about it. If the sponsor wants to he/they/she can get the employee kicked out of the country.

I am now working part time. I work six hours a week and am not officially 'on the books', so basically it's illegal. My physical health is not good and it's all the hours I can manage right now. My pay isn't great but at least I have a job - for now. It really wears me down, teaching. I like it but I find it hard to concentrate and be as up to things as I should. Sometimes I think the students know more than I do, which might quite possibly be true. So again I have the stress and anxiety of a situation that for me is not optimum. I wish there were something I could do that requires physical and not mental activity. Unfortunately jobs for women are limited here mostly to schools and hospitals.

Ah, life is so difficult when it could be so beautiful.

[LaLa]

Dear M.,

thank you for answering my questions and for explaining me/us your situation better!

I'm so sorry you're so trapped in such a system ...

Sometimes I think the students know more than I do, which might quite possibly be true.

They cannot know more than you ; they can know some things you don't, but that's OK, that could even be seen as positive - it's good when they know something, isn't it? In any case, you have a much broader picture and you have the experiences with teaching - and a good teacher is much more that just a person who "gives you some knowledge"! Learning isn't only about facts, it's about the overall experience.

I hope so much you can keep your job as long as you wish!

[Endlessnight]

I listened to this song that I love today.

Every time it gets to this part:

I'm looking for someone to change my life.

I'm looking for a miracle in my life.

I burst into tears. But I know that that's been true for most of my life - I've always looked outside for help and never inside myself. I've always felt too helpless to be of any use to myself. I know it's what has destroyed most of my life - my waiting for this 'knight in shining armour' for want of a better expression. Only he never came.

From "Question" sung by The Moody Blues

Why do we never get an answer

When we're knocking at the door?

With a thousand million questions

About hate and death and war.

It's where we stop and look around us

There is nothing that we need.

In a world of persecution

That is burning in it's greed.

Why do we never get an answer

When we're knocking at the door?

Because the truth is hard to swallow

That's what the wall of love is for.

It's not the way that you say it

When you do those things to me.

It's more the way that you mean it

When you tell me what will be.

And when you stop and think about it

You won't believe it's true.

That all the love you've been giving

Has all been meant for you.

I'm looking for someone to change my life.

I'm looking for a miracle in my life.

And if you could see what it's done to me

To lose the the love I knew

Could safely lead me through.

Between the silence of the mountains

And the crashing of the sea

There lies a land I once lived in

And she's waiting there for me.

But in the grey of the morning

My mind becomes confused

Between the dead and the sleeping

And the road that I must choose.

I'm looking for someone to change my life.

I'm looking for a miracle in my life.

And if you could see what it's done to me

To lose the the love I knew

Could safely lead me to

The land that I once knew.

To learn as we grow old

The secrets of our souls.

It's not the way that you say it

When you do those things to me.

It's more the way you really mean it

When you tell me what will be.

Why do we never get an answer

When we're knocking at the door?

With a thousand million questions

About hate and death and war.

It's where we stop and look around us

There is nothing that we need.

In a world of persecution

That is burning in it's greed.

Why do we never get an answer

When we're knocking at the door?

[LaLa]

(((M)))

Beautiful and sad song... Thanks for sharing. It reminds us that there are many of us who were or have been waiting for someone to change our lives. It happens, but... I think not to "too many" people. You're not alone in this.

[Endlessnight]

Thank you Lala. I came back to delete my post because I thought it childish but after reading your response I changed my mind.

You should listen to the song on youtube. The way he sings it, with so much feeling and emotion, gets to me every time I hear it.

[LaLa]

I'm very glad you didn't delete it. M.!!

I'll listen to it for sure, thank you for letting me know it is on YT! (Now I'm going to sleep, so ...)

Take care!

[malign]

It's an interesting question.

On the other hand, who says we don't get an answer? Maybe it's our expectations that cause us to miss the answer because we close our minds to some of the possibilities. Maybe some of the answer comes just because we asked ...

So, if you're "looking for a miracle in [your] life", would you know it if you saw it? If you believe in miracles at all, you'd have to say that each human _is_ one. Then what?

[Endlessnight]

I don't know what the question is. I don't see myself as being any kind of 'miracle'. I don't know what I am or who I am. I don't see myself as being of use to anyone, least of all myself, and just 'being' isn't enough and never has been.

[IrmaJean]

M, there are times when you reach out to others here on the forum with such compassion and care. Those qualities are a part of you and I hope one day you can acknowledge and feel your inner light. Maybe that time is not right now and that's okay too.

When you say just "being" isn't enough, do you mean you feel a need for more purpose? What would a "miracle" look like to you?

As to the song, sometimes I feel discouraged, disheartened, and sad too about what is happening in the world. I know I'm only one person, but I believe that one person can make small positive changes in the world so I keep trying. I agree with Mark too; sometimes the answers are in places we don't expect to find them and we won't see them unless we are open to the possibilities. I'm still learning. The door never closes to that. Just my personal thoughts.

Sending care to you.

[Endlessnight]

Beth, thank you for your gentleness and care. I hope others are as kind and gentle to you in real life as you are to us here.

I am feeling so tired of living day to day with no purpose or point. Just waiting for it all to end. I am a failure in everything I do, even in being happy, no, especially in being happy because I am too dependent on others and circumstances, to give me that happiness. I feel I am a burden to those around me and to myself. I know they wish I didn't live with them and lately little things have been getting to me. I suppose that's what happens when you start to allow the walls you built around yourself to crumble. Pain comes in again.

[Endlessnight]

.................

[Endlessnight]

I am in such bad physical health that it's affecting my mental health. It seems to be one thing after another. Recently I found out I have a kidney infection and a few days later, after developing a rash, I found out I have shingles. It's extremely painful and I have been told by the doc I can't leave the house for a week. I was in such pain before I the rash appeared and my friend took me to the emergency room of the hospital and they gave me pain killers intravenously. It's been five days now and thank goodness, though not as acute, the pain is still there. The medication they gave me, something called Valtrex cost SR445 alone! That's over $100, and that's without the other medications I'm taking for the shingles and the kidney infection, not to mention my depression meds. I've given up taking the cholesterol medication and the GERD med because I just can't take or afford all of them. I know this feeling is partly from my physical health, but I feel so depressed I want to give up. I haven't been able to work for two weeks so I have no salary and for some insane reason I don't want to go back to work. I want to stay at home in my room and not have to go out and live again. I want to be able to to go out and see trees and flowers and feel the rain. I want to be able to do what I want to do and not what i have to. I know, I know, that's childish. Few people have the option to be able to do only what they want to do - I'm all confused and mixed up and I don't want to be any more. I'm so sorry i'm whinging. there is no one in my life that would understand how I feel. I dont understand I don't know what I want or need all I know is i want it to end now goddammit

[finding my way]

I am so sorry for all this pain, En Physical pain really effects my mental state too! I hope you are able to heal soon.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you're not feeling well, M. My dad had shingles last summer and he was hospitalized for 11 days. I know it can be so tough to cope with. It's okay to express your feelings. We're here and we care about you. ((((hugs)))) Sending my care.

[Endlessnight]

Thank you Finding for your kind words. Thank you Beth for the beautiful picture - I wish I were under that tree! I am so mixed up right now, so confused about everything.

[Endlessnight]

Thank you Ken. You are right, I know and I remember when you said you wanted to give up - that's how I'm feeling right now. Actually it's how I feel most of the time but now I just feel everything I do comes out wrong, my life has been one big mistake - my being born was one big mistake I wish so much hadn't happened.

[Endlessnight]

Ken, the problem is I don't even know what kind of life I would have wanted, I only know not this one.

Yesterday after I posted here a friend called me and said she had good news. She told me that someone she knew knew someone else whose widowed father was looking for a 'companion' (her words). He is 68 years old and his children are grown. She asked me if I were interested in marrying him. This kind of situation has occurred a few times over the years and each time it doesn't get any easier for me. My friend was wondering why I didn't sound more enthusiastic and I tried to explain to her but I couldn't find the right words to make her understand how hard such situations are for me. On the one hand it's something I've always wanted - a 'family' of my own, my own home, a 'companion', but how do I get myself to say yes to marrying someone I don't know? I am too much of a dreamer I know, What is marriage anyway? An agreement between two people to try and get along for mutual benefit? I have been thinking and thinking about it and part of me wants to be able to say yes - it would mean an end to my financial worries. Isn't that awful? Thinking of marrying someone for the financial stability it will give me? But also part of me wants to say no - I can't do it. Yes, I'm lonely, but those of you that know me know how anything new or different scares me to death. I feel like if I say yes I will have admitted defeat - isn't that funny considering I've been saying I've given up for ages? I don't like to talk about these things in public but I want to get everything out - for me thinking about having sex with someone I don't love or know really, is frightening and abhorrent. So I have two choices: say yes and find financial stability if nothing else, say no and go on living as I am now where I (kind of) have my freedom but no security in anything, financial and otherwise. It kept me up all night, that and the pain of the shingles. I slept at 7:00am. This is how I react to anything out of the comfort zone of my daily habits - I panic. My friend has told me to think about it, give it some time, and she has said she will find out more about the man. I don't know what to do because when I get into a situation like this my first thought is to immediately say no because then I won't have to think and worry about it. God help me because I am unable to help myself.

[LaLa]

Dear M.,

I have only a little time now, so I'll be brief (which is probably rather an advantage for "readers" ).

My main thoughts about the proposition of your friend are: It would probably be the best to meet the man and talk with him first. Then you could base your decision on something concrete, real. Maybe he'd be repugnant to you - than it would be easy . Maybe he would be kind and nice to talk to, then you could ask him about his expectations from a marriage.

You know... what you wrote about your feelings about physical intimacy is absolutely natural and many of us (I suppose most of all people (or at least women?), but I don't know) have the same attitude. But you cannot know what exactly this man wants - regarding his age (I know; it's a prejudice, but...), he might only want somebody to care for him and to talk with, not seeking such kind of "physical satisfaction". That's why I think it would be good to find out the truth, if possible.

I absolutely understand that you automatically refuse the whole idea of an arranged marriage. And I also understand that "marrying for money" is bad in your eyes. But I also think that without knowing more about the particular person and his needs and wishes, you cannot base your decision on more than your prejudices and you could miss a chance - not just a chance to resolve your financial issues, but a chance to have finally a companion who would be nice to you, care for you, and who would... "get you out of your brother's family" where it's been so hard to live.

I don't know if this marriage would be a change for better. But I think it would be worth the effort to find out as much info as possible before making a judgement about it. I suppose it's complicated to meet the man (as you have to be accompanied etc.) and it would be very challenging to ask him some "difficult" questions (about his expectations) - but not impossible - and if this happens, then you'll probably have less difficulties to decide. Now you're refusing just based on your prejudices, fear, and "inertia" (-avoidance of changes, although you need some changes!). Then you might as well refuse, but with well-founded reasons.

(Just BTW: I looked up Valtrex and found out it costs 45 euro in our country (although I don't know how many doses you need) and the patient pays only 10 % (the rest is payed by the insurance). It's another good reminder for me how lucky I am to be born in a country which despite all the financial problems gives us quite a lot... )

I wish you a quick recovery!

Take care!!!

[Endlessnight]

Lala, thank you for responding, and I will reply to your post later. Right now I want to express what I'm feeling about something.

My niece visited us yesterday with her beautiful three month old daughter. I asked my niece to take some photos of me and her baby on my phone. When I saw my pics I was shocked at how I looked - very old and defeated. I know I feel this way inside but for some reason I never thought I also looked that way. I know I see myself in the mirror everyday when I brush my hair, but I guess I don't really look at myself much which is why I haven't noticed it before. I almost didn't recognise myself - I saw my father in me and it brought me to tears. I know part of it was vanity - I've changed more in the past three years than I had over the past twenty - but most of it was made up of a lot of different feelings which I can't find the words to express or explain.

[LaLa]

Hello, M., nice to hear from you!

Well, I know from my experiences that we look differently on photos than in the mirror. Photos (often also of other people, not just ourselves) look often somehow strange. But I understand that in this case, there is also another factor - as you said, you don't "notice yourself in the mirror", so... it (the effect of the photo) has to be much more pronounced.

As far as I know, there is a time in life of many people when they suddenly "begin to" look much older quite quickly. (It may be most often somewhere between 50 and 70 years of age.) Maybe this happened also to you. I see that it has to bring many complicated feelings . I'm sorry it happened now, when you're in a difficult period - coping with illnesses... Maybe it might help a bit to explore your thoughts here, writing (?)...

I hope you enjoyed the time with your niece and her baby!

Take care!

[IrmaJean]

Is it possible you're projecting your feelings, M? Possibly others wouldn't see what you saw? When I saw a photo of you not too long ago, I thought you were very beautiful.

[Endlessnight]

Hello Beth. I've never liked to look at myself in the mirror, never liked to touch myself, even when taking a shower or bath, it has always made me feel uncomfortable, so perhaps that is partly why I was shocked at how I looked in the photo - it was like seeing a stranger. Thank you for the compliment Beth but, If you were to see me now, you wouldn't recognise me as the woman in the picture of me that you previously saw, I have changed that much in just a few years.

As far as I know, there is a time in life of many people when they suddenly "begin to" look much older quite quickly. (It may be most often somewhere between 50 and 70 years of age.) Maybe this happened also to you.

Perhaps you are right and it has happened to me and you are righ that It has come at a time when I am already finding it hard to cope due to physical pain and the meds I take which are causing me confusion and dizziness. I was unable to teach properly the other day in class because of my feelings of befuddlement which the medication causes, and I felt so frustrated and bad that I am not able to give my students their due, but I am trying to fight through it until I finish the dosage prescribed by the doctor.

I did enjoy my time with my niece and her baby! I miss my niece a lot still, but I love watching her with her baby, she seems so happy.

As for the marriage thing, nothing has progressed or happened yet. I don't mind.

Take care Beth. (((((hugs to you)))))

[Endlessnight]

The marriage thing has come to nothing. It turned out the man wanted to marry a woman that has already been married before. Wish they'd said that from the beginning.......

I'm not upset it ended in nothing though.

[LaLa]

So, at least one problem (with decision-making) disappeared .

Maybe next time (if such an "offer" comes), you'll be better prepared and know better what to ask about.

Are you feeling better? Do the shingles still hurt?

Hugs,

L.

[Endlessnight]

Hello Lala. I still have some pain but it's not as severe as it was, thankfully. I am still taking pain medication for it though. Thank you for asking, Lala.