memories

[Endlessnight]

Oh Lala, those are lovely pics. Thank you. There isn't anywhere to go out to though. It's too hot to go walking and there isn't anywhere to walk here anyway. There aren't many sidewalks at all. The only place I can go is to a mall though most of the shops aren't open during the day time. I have been a couple of times though just to get out of the house but it doesn't help much as all I do is wander around alone for a while then go home.

I want to escape the four walls of my room that I am in day and night. I want to escape my thoughts and my life.

[finding my way]

Can you do some art, En? Getting to the right hemisphere of the brain with art can really feel like a shift in the universe!

I'm sorry you are feeling so trapped

[Endlessnight]

I want to get out of my own skin and mind. I feel like my skin is crawling and my thoughts are driving me crazy. I don't know what to do. I have zero motivation to do anything. I'm in bed at least 16, 17 hours every day. If not sleeping then just lying there. I hate it I hate myself. Why am I so weak?

[IrmaJean]

Does deep breathing help with the thoughts, M? I like the idea of creating art too. Maybe the self-expression would help you to feel something positive within yourself. I am thinking of you.

[LaLa]

I agree that doing some art would be probably helpful, but I see it requires some motivation and energy and could be even frustrating if you didn't succeed to do what intended . Perhaps some days after Ramadan... (?)

I would recommend, again, listening to something - beautiful (music, literature = audio-book) or interesting (documentaries, interviews, ... on the radio) - the web offers so many possibilities (I had posted some here as you may recall). Because listening doesn't require even going our of your bed, it's very passive, yet it can very often re-direct your thoughts to something very different. Even the sole fact of listening to a human voice (speaking English!) can have a positive effect. Would you try?

[LaLa]

There's not always a possibility to go out and see something beautiful, but at least there are almost always photographs available... So, let's have a look on what others took (unintended rime ;-P)!

[LaLa]

[Endlessnight]

My brother just left my room. He only comes to talk with me when he wants something and this was something that has left me so stressed I don't know what to do.

he said the rent is due the end of this month - in 10 days, and he doesn't have the money to pay it. he wanted me to give him some money. Of course I told him I didn't have it but I'm not sure if he believed me. he asked me if I could get it from anywhere and so I've already called a friend and asked if she could lend me a couple of thousand but she said she doesn't have the money. I hate him for putting himself, his family, and of course me, into the situation. When he was speaking to me he was blaming everyone but himself for this. he is the victim of circumstances, not because he left his job, and has no income for close to 2 years now, oh no, that's not it. What should I do? I want to do something but I don't have the money. I hate myself too because I am in this situation too.

[LaLa]

I'm so sorry he put you in this very stressful and difficult situation :( .

I can't imagine the "circumstances" he feels like being the victim of! Did you tell him about his responsibility or you rather didn't dare? (I don't know; perhaps it's better not to provoke him, but if you reminded him of quitting his job, perhaps would not be "a provocation" (?).)

What should I do? I want to do something but I don't have the money.

I'm afraid there's probably nothing to do. You're not responsible. I know the consequences (of not paying the rent) would have an impact on you, too, but it's never been your responsibility to earn money for your brother to make ends meet.

I hate myself too because I am in this situation too.

I hear that you're angry. Helplessness often causes anger, naturally. But hate? Why? I'm sorry you're feeling it this way... Maybe feeling just sorry for yourself would be more painful (or only unfamiliar, in contrast to self-hate?) than feeling self-hate , I could understand that... but anyway, I'm sad that this has, in addition to all the stress, triggered also your self-hate...

What can happen if he doesn't pay the rent; do you know?

And does he have any idea how he will get the money for the next months (not to mention years)?

It's not your fault, M. And he doesn't have the right to blame you (although he probably will as he's so irrational and searches for any other "culprit", just not himself)...

[Endlessnight]

Hello Lala, I'm sorry I haven't replied before but my depression left me unable to. I went for my return visit to the Pdoc two days ago. As I thought, he added another medication for me to take. It's called Vexal and I'm taking 75mg daily. along with my other meds, for one month then I have to go back. I asked him if I could cut down on my meds and he said he can't reduce the medications while I am so depressed, but if I am better after the month is up then we can decide on what to do.

I borrowed 5,000 riyals from a friend and gave it to my brother. I did ask him why, if he was so short of money, he didn't get a job and he said he has applied. I'm not sure if I believe him or not. My nephew has finally found a job (it's been four years since he left high school) and will start after Ramadan. I think my brother wants him to pay the rent. That upsets me so much I can't write anymore Lala.

[LaLa]

Thank you for your "updates", M.! (It's absolutely OK that you write only when you feel like doing it!! I understand...)

I'm glad to hear that some solutions have been found, although most of them are only temporary. Let's hope your brother will really return to work...

I hope very much that the end of Ramadan will bring you better times...

Take care!

[Endlessnight]

Hello Lala. I don't really know what I want to write here, I just want to stop feeling this tightness in my chest as though I can't breathe every time I wake up in the morning. The stress and tension and anxiety I'm feeling is driving me crazy. I wish I lived alone so I could choose only the people I want to see. I want to be on my own, even if only for a short while, to catch my breath and not have to lie and pretend but just be who I am in this moment. I think I know that there are people around me that care for me, because they have said so, but I don't really believe it because I think I don't know what caring means or what it is. How is it that i can say I love my niece and her daughter so much but I still don't feel I know what love is? I feel so alone. Perhaps I have this stupid idea of romantic love and that that's the only kind of love that matters - I don't know. My two best friends have told me they care for me, and they show it, but I don't feel it inside. It's like I'm detached from it so I don't really believe it. What's wrong with me? Sometimes I feel I have no heart.

[LaLa]

I'm very glad that you decided to write it down here, M.! I appreciate your sharing your feelings and thoughts with us.

tightness in my chest as though I can't breathe every time I wake up in the morning

Is there a correlation between this and the new med you take? (Did it start then?) I wonder if it can be related, but... don't get e wrong, I'm not saying it's probable - I don't know... Is there something in particular that could cause you more anxiety and/or depression these days (as what you describe are symptoms of both!)? Have you got more visitors lately, than usual? Or did you start to worry more about the financial issues? Perhaps it's an impact of the whole difficult period of Ramadan - all the stress cumulated and resulted in worse symptoms. I hope and wish that the end of this holiday will really bring positive changes to you...

Many people need to be on their own, more or less often, to "regenerate", to avoid anxiety, energy depletion, and/or other problems that being among others cause them. You're definitely not "abnormal" when you experience this. Of course, it may be more difficult for you than for many others because of the particular circumstances . But you really don't need to blame yourself for needing to "escape" from others at least for a while. It's a part of caring for yourself. Of course, when you sometimes feel stronger, you may work on feeling less uncomfortable/... among others, trying to learn to enjoy some aspects of social and familiar relations, ... but as long as you're having a bad time, please, don't feel, in top of that, even bad about being somehow "antisocial" (I know you didn't say that, but I'm afraid there might be some self-blame behind your description).

This "topic" reminded me of a book and a website: http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com

I don't remember much about it, but the principle is that introverts need much more time for themselves (-alone) to "function" and that society should acknowledge it and not blame them (/us ;-) ) and then, when introverts have better conditions for life (and also others have better approach to them), it's very beneficial for everybody, for several reasons. (You might, if you'd like, for instance watch the TED talk on that website (?) to learn more if it's interesting for you...)

I want to be on my own, even if only for a short while, to catch my breath and not have to lie and pretend but just be who I am in this moment.

It is indeed very difficult to pretend so much and to feel you can't be yourself when you're with others :-(.

What about trying to be yourself with those friends who say they care about you?? The only way I see how to feel they care and friendship is to be yourself with them and feel accepted and liked. For this, you need to do it, to "disclose" your vulnerability and your true self. At least sometimes, for some time (I know it's very probably impossible to do each time you're with them). Or have you already done it?...

I think I don't know what caring means or what it is.

How do you imagine it, M.? ;-) ...

You know, I believe you "know" what caring is, but it's a different kind of "knowing" that you wish now, when having these thoughts and doubts. It's a knowing that cannot be put into words. And when you try to do so, you're worried that you're failing.

Moreover, sometimes it's too difficult to care. For instance, when you're deeply depressed, you stop caring about probably everything, but it's due to the illness, not to your "character". (One definition of depression is indeed "loss of every desire".)

How is it that i can say I love my niece and her daughter so much but I still don't feel I know what love is?

To be honest... I've been sometimes struggling with this, too. "What love is? How can I love not knowing this?" In those "moments", it feel quite desperate, one feels "incapable, stupid, pretending, superficial, ... you name it". But in my case, "the time in-between" (those "moments") has always been quite fine in this regard - I know I love even though I couldn't "explain" or "define" it and I also know the different loves change in time and that it's OK. When one starts worrying about these questions, it might indicate a sort of situation when it becomes, for some reasons, problematic, yes. But it might sometimes come only with "too much thinking, too much struggling to understand things that can't really be understood". It seem your problem is that you'd like to feel loved but you don't, so then you question even your own love for others, but this might be irrelevant for the real problem. To me, becoming able to feel and accept (-that's the most difficult!) more deeply the love of others was a breakthrough (in therapy). So I know it can be very difficult and I'm sorry I don't have a "guideline how to do it". I just can say that... focusing on your impression that you cannot really love doesn't seem "right" to me and that you surely are loved by others but have difficulties to feel and believe it. And it can cange for better.

It's like I'm detached from it so I don't really believe it.

Can you imagine that this detachment could be your protection against the fear of "discovering" that they actually don't care and don't like you? (It's just one of many possibilities, I just wonder if it seems probable to you.)

I feel so alone.

You're not so alone. But I see you're lonely. One can be lonely even among many friends :-( ...

(I've found this, not sure if it's helpful: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/07/16/10-more-ideas-to-help-with-loneliness/)

I do care about you, M. I hope you can feel it, at least sometimes...

Hugs,

L.

[LaLa]

Hello, M.,

Has the end of Ramadan already brought some improvement to your life?

[LaLa]

Hello, M., how are you doing?

I've heard this today on the radio and I was thinking of you. Perhaps you'll like it, too:

[Endlessnight]

Ba51th - thank you, and I wish you the same.

[Endlessnight]

Lala, I'm sending you a private message.

[LaLa]

How are you, M?

[Endlessnight]

Hello everyone. I've come to a realisation about my depression that might be right and might not be. I feel that my depression comes in cycles, but not of years, of weeks. All I've been able to find online has to do with cycles of years. Anyway, concerning myself, it seems that my mood is stable for a couple of weeks, then I get deeply depressed for a couple of weeks, then I go back to stable again, and it goes on like this. Does anyone know anything about this? It's not as though I don't take my meds regularly, I do. Could I just be imagining it is so?

[Resolute]

hello endless.

you're not imagining it.

i don't have much advice for you really, but i'll just say that meds aren't the cure.

anyway, take care. i wish you well.

[Endlessnight]

Thank you, for your kind wishes. I wish you the same. Why do you say meds aren't the cure though?

[IrmaJean]

I thought there was such a thing as cyclic depression, M. Maybe you can you ask your doctor about it? Would keeping a journal help? Maybe you might see some changes occurring in your mood and why and when they do.

I think medication can help us find a place of balance to begin working on deeper issues. I personally have always been so afraid of meds, but recently I had to start taking a low dose of anti-anxiety medication to help me sleep. I am still struggling emotionally right now, so the medication hasn't "fixed" my problems, but it has given me a place to begin. I think it levels things off some, enough that I can sleep and think clearly enough to work on other stuff. Perhaps it does the same for you? How are you feeling now?

[Resolute]

Thank you, for your kind wishes. I wish you the same. Why do you say meds aren't the cure though?

you're more than welcome.

the reason i say drugs aren't the cure is because modern medicine has yet to "cure" much of anything that i know of.

i'm not implying you stop taking your meds, but i suggest you search for alternative solutions or even a real cure.

[Endlessnight]

Hello Resolute. I wish I knew any 'alternative' solutions that might help me, but if it weren't for my medications I would be even worse than I am now. I am unhappy that they haven't completely 'cured' me, but I know no med can do that. Sometimes I want to just stop taking them and see what happens but I'm afraid to. All my life I've had insomnia, and I dread that more than anything. I know my fear of it makes it worse but the meds I take help me to sleep at night and, as Beth said, that does give a good start to the day.

[Endlessnight]

Hello Beth. I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling and i appreciate the effort it must have taken to take the time to write to me. I hope getting a good nights sleep helps you get through your day better. I know it does me.

Some bad things have happened. A couple of days ago I was in my room and i heard doors being slammed shut. Right away I knew it was my brother and that something was up. Then the shouting started. He was in his bedroom, calling his wife awful names, shouting and screaming at her. I heard her voice - which is something that has never happened before. She has never shouted back at him, so I thought he was killing her or something. I ran out of my room and found my nephew coming and his grandmother. We all stood at the door and I knocked. My nephew didn't wait but opened the door. My sister in law was screaming but when she saw us she stopped and told us to leave. My brother then pushed past her and told us all to go. His mother in law was crying awfully, I was asking him to please stop, his daughters came out of their room where they had been sleeping and were in shock, my nephew wouldn't move. My brother pushed my nephew and wanted to push all of us out but my nephew, who is a young man now, pushed him back and when my brother tried to hit him, my nephew started hitting his father. He was raining blows on him and my brother couldn't hit back, thank god, because he was pushed against a wall and his mother in law, and wife were trying to get between them. I was pulling my nephew away. I finally got him away and pushed him into the living room. Then I went back and saw my nieces were hysterical so I tried to calm them down. I went back to his room where the women were trying to push him back and then he started screaming at me that I was to blame because I had called them to interfere. I don't know what I said to reply, I was in shock. I went to my nephew and told him to leave the house. He did. I went back to my neices but couldn't calm them down. By that time my brother was looking for his son saying he would kill him and scaring his daughters to death. I told him to please stop his daughters were scared but all he did was shout at me and accuse me and swear and threaten me. I went to my room and called my nephew and told him not to come back to the house until I called him. He was afraid for us, he said that he would call his older brrother to come in case his father turned on us. I told him not to because then the older brother would just attack his father too. I can't write any more right now.