Love Story? Transference? (Part 1)

[Rapha]

So Rapha, what is hurting in your will? It's true our words are one thing, and our will is another. Sometimes our words block our will. That's why it's important to notice what you are saying to yourself. It's never too late to make that change....

Do you mean saying things to myself like "I'll never get better" or "my life is over" or "I'm just so tired of the battle I can't go on anymore"?

[finding my way]

uh yeah, exactly:o.

It matters that we are saying things like that. People think it doesn't because it's just us we are saying it to, but it matters very much.

I have found that if you can stand by you in your pain, not abandon you, there is a chance for things to shift. If it is too difficult, ask for help. Others can stand by you with you. That's what we do for each other.

[Chisholm]

I'm here for you as well Rapha.

X

"What deeper resource is this adversity calling on me to bring forth?"

When the heart breaks open, it marks the beginning of a real love affair with this world. It is a broken-hearted love affair, rather than the conventional kind based on hope and expectation. Only in this fearless love that can respond to life's pain as well as its beauty can we be of real help to ourselves or anyone else in this difficult age. The broken-hearted warrior is an essential archetype for our time."

- John Welwood

[spiritual_emergency]

When the heart breaks open, it marks the beginning of a real love affair with this world. It is a broken-hearted love affair, rather than the conventional kind based on hope and expectation. Only in this fearless love that can respond to life's pain as well as its beauty can we be of real help to ourselves or anyone else in this difficult age.

- John Welwood

I liked it so much I "borrowed" it for my facebook page.

~ Namaste

[finding my way]

How are you, Rapha?

[Rapha]

How are you, Rapha?

Thank you for asking, FMW. I'm doing pretty well right now. I've been working on the self-talk and seem to be making some very real progress.

Several weeks ago I was sitting at the kitchen table after dinner when our dog whined and my wife commented, "Oh, she's probably hungry. She hasn't had her dinner yet." That's my wife's way of asking for someone to feed the dog. As I sat there, I thought to myself, "I'm tired and sore. I don't feel like feeding the dog." I felt guilty for not wanting to be more helpful. Immediately though I said to myself, "Wait! You've got a foot that while sore still functions fine, a knee that works, crutches to help you get around, a waist that can bend over and straighten up, and a hand that can clutch a cup, fill it with dog food and pour it in the dog's bowl. I'm so thankful, God, that I can do these things!"

Needless to say, the task turned out to be much easier than expected. This may seem like a little thing. But it taught me a very big lesson that day. I've been killing my spirit with negative self-talk, put downs that indeed put me down for hours or even days at a time. No more!

The next evening I went to worship team rehearsal at our church (I play piano and occasionally drums). At the conclusion of the practice, the leader thanked everyone for doing such a great job. I made some comment like, "Thanks, but I feel like I was all thumbs tonight... or at least eight thumbs anyway." Then immediately I added, "No, forget that! I'm not going to talk like that anymore. I'm glad I was able to play tonight. I love to play and I'm not going to make comments like the one I just made anymore." I then proceeded to tell them my "feeding the dog" story from the previous day and how I'm working on positive self-talk.

After we finished praying together, our guitarist shared a story about a clinic he once attended that was led by a famous guitarist/songwriter. The famous guitarist said that every time he gets ready to play his guitar, he starts with the simple thought, "I'm so glad that I can play the guitar." This story has helped me so much. Musicians are a notoriously self-critical bunch, always finding the littlest things wrong with what we do in our neverending push for perfection. But focusing too much on what's wrong can take away the joy of making music and hamper one's playing. This is not a good thing.

Ever since those two days, I have felt so much freer to enjoy music and life again. As I recall hearing on one of my kids' videos many years ago (I think it was a VeggieTales video), "A thankful heart is a happy heart." Truer words have never been spoken.

My pain seems less these days, and I have not sunk into the terrible SAD depression that claimed me for five months last winter. This forum has helped me fight the battle. If I can make it through this winter wthout tanking, that will be an enormous accomplishment for me.

Peace,

---Rapha

[Luna-]

Rapha.

Glad you're thinking positively.

I'm going to move this thread to General Support as it isn't really a new member's thread any more. There will be a pointer left here, so it's easy to follow to its new home.

Do continue, everyone.

[finding my way]

I'd say you were doing beautifully then! I know you still hurt, but now you aren't complicating it with your thinking. Thanks for sharing, Rapha!!

[Chisholm]

Hi Rapha

Long time no speak and it sounds like you have been quite busy ! Glad to hear that things are looking up and hope that you continue being gentle with yourself.

X

Chisholm

[Rapha]

Gosh everyone, thanks so much for caring. I have continued to do much better than last winter, though I still have very significant physical pain that sometimes knocks me down totally. Chisholm, I have continued to be gentle with myself. Thank you for your encouragement to do this — it has made a BIG difference in my life the past couple months!

I'm also struggling quite a bit with fatigue as well as concentration when attempting to perform a task. And my memory seems very spotty. It may be medication related. I've cut back a bit on one medication that I take for sleep. It has helped with all three issues. But I don't sleep as well, and I'm concerned that I will eventually have a sleep deficit and fall right back into the same problems as before.

I'm a bit excited because I am starting with a new counselor in three days, and a new psychiatrist next month. I have some ideas about med changes that I may suggest to the psych. I may ask him about an old medication that helped me for both depression and sleep and see what he thinks about changing me from what I'm currently on back to the old med.

[Chisholm]

Hi Rapha

So good to know that you are in a slightly better place - baby steps remember - all part of being gentle on yourself.

What ever you do dont tamper with or attempt weaning yourself off the meds on your own - it is so important that you have a psychiatrist's guidance on that.

Is the new counsellor a psychologist or counsellor? I would be very interested to know what other members feel about a Christian Counsellor (for example) dealing with psychotherapy for major depression and things like bipolar etc?

Any ideas? The qualifications may well be very different in SA as compared to the States?

X

Chisholm

[Guest ASchwartz]

Chisholm and Rapha,

I have known many Christian Counselors and Orthox Jewish Counselors who were excellent. There is nothing about their being Christian or Orthodox Jews that prevents them from doing a great job and being really empathetic and supportive.

Rapha, there was one thing I wanted to point out about the interaction that you and your wife had about feeding the dog. It appears to me that was little or no verbal communication over this and at that moment. What I mean is that your wife did not say, "Could you feed the dog," and you did not say, Well, I'm afraid my leg will hurt, etc." The result would have been the samed but there would have been a lesser chance of misunderstanding, at least I think so.

It is good that you are feeling better.

What do you and others think?

Allan

[Chisholm]

I have nothing against the creed, culture or religion of any counsellor or psych for that matter. (Just happened to know that Rapha was going to see a Christian counsellor). It was the qualification that I was wondering about - esp in the States as I have no knowledge of their training.

In SA our counsellors are not trained in psychotherapy to be able to deal with major clinical issues such as bipolar, severe major depression, etc - their function would be to merely offer supportive counsel and where necessary to refer.

Just wondering whether this differed in other countries?

X

[Rapha]

Rapha, there was one thing I wanted to point out about the interaction that you and your wife had about feeding the dog. It appears to me that was little or no verbal communication over this and at that moment. What I mean is that your wife did not say, "Could you feed the dog," and you did not say, Well, I'm afraid my leg will hurt, etc." The result would have been the samed but there would have been a lesser chance of misunderstanding, at least I think so.

What do you and others think?

Allan

Quite often the wife is indirect like that. After nearly 20 years of marriage you figure these things out, so it's not a big deal. I think she gets tired of usually being the one who has to prod someone else into action, as the kids were all nearby too, yet no one was responding to the the dog's repeated whining. Rather than asking or telling someone directly and being the "bad guy", she often simply brings it to our attention and hopes someone will volunteer on their own.

I think you are right though. She would do better to ask someone directly. One thing you should know about her is that on some of these personality tests she has taken in the past, she always comes out with a "zero" in being an influencer/persuader.

---Rapha

[Rapha]

I have nothing against the creed, culture or religion of any counsellor or psych for that matter. (Just happened to know that Rapha was going to see a Christian counsellor). It was the qualification that I was wondering about - esp in the States as I have no knowledge of their training.

In SA our counsellors are not trained in psychotherapy to be able to deal with major clinical issues such as bipolar, severe major depression, etc - their function would be to merely offer supportive counsel and where necessary to refer.

Just wondering whether this differed in other countries?

X

I can tell you this. The "Counseling Disclosure" form I just received to fill out in prep for my first session says:

[Counselor's Name] has explained to me that he/she is providing pastoral

counseling and that the counselor is not a psychiatrist or a psychologist.

I understand that the counseling I receive will be based

upon the counselor's understanding of the Bible.

That's the whole disclosure.

I'll have to fill you all in sometime soon on how my psychotherapy ended up with my psychologist at "ABC". It was quite something.

[Chisholm]

Hi Rapha

I'll have to fill you all in sometime soon on how my psychotherapy ended up with my psychologist at "ABC". It was quite something.

No - I actually remember. The thought makes me shudder! Thankfully we have both come on so much from then.

X

Chisholm

[Rapha]

This is just a little warning to y'all (and a prod to self) that a major update on how I'm doing is coming soon. I'll probably put it under a new category, most likely under the Depression category. I'll post here one final time once I've posted the update.

Peace,

---Rapha

[Rapha]

Click here for major update in new thread.

Peace,

---Rapha