Quest for my normal

[shanrucas]

Wow Linda, I think there is an advocate within you. You show so much strength and the ability to set your boundries. This is what women who have or are in abusive relationships need to learn about themselves. One of the things I would tell women that were in dangerous relationships is that they are strong cause they have had to survive, but it is their right to feel safe in their own home, or work etc.

Who knows maybe one day I will be able to return to my career. Its not like the need for people in this line of work is not going to be needed, if anything it's only gotten worse out there. I actually feel like I am still working, there are times when I am at the stables having a bit of me time with my horses and someone was in crisis of some sort. I was able to point them in the right direction.

I am a big believer for rights of victims:D

[Lindamomof7]

Yes there will always be a caring, supportive you to help others. So I have been told as well. But, you have had much more experience with others in crisis and yes that experience can never be duplicated by anyone else. I do hope you keep your hand in this as you are a survivor as well. And you will always be a valuable asset to everyone you meet

[shanrucas]

Thanks Linda, I really needed to hear something like that today, Mom is having such pain and discomfort and there isn't much I can do,especially cause it's the weekend.

While she was in the hospital they had no problem giving her pain medication even after her bladder infection was under control, but did not provide her with anything for when she came home, she is crying out and it's ripping my heart out.

I'm doing the best that I can, but it is difficult to listen to, I have a call into home health not sure if they can do anything though.

[Lindamomof7]

Oh wow Shannon, life is difficult for you today. I hope you are able to get in contact with someone to help her immediately. Is she in so much pain that a trip to the ER will help? I know it's probably the last thing both of you need but if she is in that much discomfort, some intervention is needed.

It was only a month ago I remember being in so much pain from having another clot pass through and it made me so sick. So i can feel for her. And for me, the physical pain was enough to kick me out of my mental funk and get help.

So I wish you strength all the way from NJ

[shanrucas]

Unfortunately it's more of a chronic pain issue and when I ask her if she needs to go to the ER she says no..It seems to come in waves and alot of it she says in her sleep, when she is awake I can distract her enough. Ever since she came home, it's like she is discovering for the first time how immobile she is. She was shocked when I told it's been almost ten years, but she forgets again. The MS has progressed so much that I fear that the lesian on her brain has slowly grown despite the medication for it. It affects the cognitive part. This maybe whats causing the crying out. Who knows.

The last time I took her to the ER because of this, they didn't do much other than say I needed to contact her doctor. "its not like she has any broken bones or had a fall or anything", thats what they said. Thats why when she had the infection I begged doctor and we bipassed the ER and went straight in for admitting.

I appriciate and will draw on the strength from NJ . Thanks for being there, its still early in the morning here and everyone I could talk to is fast asleep.

[Lindamomof7]

Glad I can help from over here. It must be really hard, but I know you can do it. Only you know whats best for her and luckily she has you

If I'm not on the forum, you have my email...

[Hotspot]

Hi Shannon and Linda,

Nice to have you back Linda.

Shannon I'm happy to hear your mother is back home with you but so, sorry she is in pain. Being back home in familiar surroundings with you must be a comfort to her. I'm a little pissed off with the ER in the past telling you well it's a chronic condition as some reason to not give immediate pain relief. Definitely something to get help from her Dr about however if he isn't available than the ER should help damn it. Anyway, I don't want to cause you more stress over it.

It's nice to see you both again.

[shanrucas]

Thanks Hotspot, I was able to bypass ER, fortunately mom is a client with the Home Health Agency, and they got the ball rolling. They contacted on call doctor and he perscribed some medication. She is doing better, at least as far as pain goes. My fear is that I think the MS is progressing more, not much we can do about that other than make her as comfortable as possible.

Having you guys to listen to me this weekend has helped alot. It's just to easy feel alone dealing with this. So far I have been able to hold it together, I don't know how, but so far so good. I think getting back on my medication has been helpful, I can think better and not spin out so much.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Shannon so glad you got some comfort for your Mom...

Hey Hotspot how are you? I guess we both do the MIA stuff? You ok? I had computer problems so my hot cocoa was getting cold and I am glad you put it to good use

[shanrucas]

Here on the Oregon Coast we are having it all,sun, rain, sun, warm, a little cold, rain and sun. I guess the reason I live here is cause the weather is biplor:p . Can't decide to have cocoa or lemonade.:confused:

[Lindamomof7]

haha yeah I understand that beverage conflict.

Sometimes Jersey is that way but today (I think) was nice but chilly about 50 degrees. I only saw it from the window.

I was told by my Dr to go to the hospital but instead I fell asleep. Ok so it got rid of the chest and leg pains pretty good, actually feel a little manic, lets see if i sleep tonight.

Can't wait to go to the vascualr surgeon.

So ok I think it's lemonade, how about you Shannon and Hotspot??

[shanrucas]

I think I will go back to the cocoa,,maybe hot cider if I had some. They day was warm, but now its chilly night so lemonade just seems wrong somehow.

Linda, when do you go to the vascular surgeon? I hope the best for you. I can only imagine this putting you on a rollercoaster ride. Im glad you got over chest and leg pain, sounds scary, wishing you a good nights rest all the way from Oregon.

[Hotspot]

Hey

Sorry I've been a little MIA.

Relieved to hear you were able to get pain relief for your mother Shannon.

Also good to know your chest and leg pains went away with rest Linda, although the cause to begin with is important to find out.

It's a little nippy here tonight I will stick with cocoa with extra mini mellows.

I spent 5 hours in the ER with one of my dare devil kids who learned the hard way he can't fly. Almost everything seems to piss me off lately but I almost lost it at the hospital. I swear you would think ER nurses and docs would be a little more use to dealing with kids. The environment alone scares the hell out of most kids. My kid needed stitches and immediately they want to go to strapping him down. As if sedation meds are suddenly unavailable or listening to me the dad who actually knows the kid and what would keep him calm is rubbish. I realize they are busy yadda yadda but let's not traumatize the kid more. The kid doesn't deal well with being touched by strangers or being restrained. Strapping him down was not something I was going to allow as a first resort. Had to make a mini scene just to get someone with a brain to speak with.Thankfully my wife was there to help me keep myself from getting into trouble.

Finally got a liquid sedative and he sat on my lap telling me all about what he wants to put in his letter to Santa, while the stitches got put in. He fell asleep and didn't wake up till I was carrying him into the house. I'm not a doc but sure as hell seemed better than watching him thrash against restraints screaming his head off.

[shanrucas]

Sounds like a busy day Hotspot, I don't know, I think I would be pretty pissed about my kid being restrained too. I mean really, he's hurt and in a strange enviroment, not to mention he just found out he can't fly so lets just scare him more and make the job all that much harder. I remember in our first responder training that when dealing with children always let stay in their parents lap where they are comfortable. I guess when you become a doc or nurse in hospital that doesn't apply.

yep,,the more I think about it..I don't think you overreacted at all, our kids need us to advocate for them. I think I am still a little pissed at the hospital myself, it seems unless you get really loud and demanding, they will bypass you or dismiss you. I too understand being busy, but it shouldn't be shock if they chose this career.

well, I think I will put the kettle on.

[Lindamomof7]

Hey Hotspot, I guess you were MIA for a good reason. Ugh about the situation, yes it is difficult for some kids to go to the ER no matter what. And yes we do anything for our kids but I can understand how it was helpful to have your wife to keep you in check. I have all my kids and my husband that do it to me all the time.... so I know the feeling

I remember with my autistic son, then 12 at the time, it was a few yrs ago I had just gotten out of the psych hospital myself and I think the next day he came home from school in a very bad angry rage. Probably because I was gone and came home and he didnt know how to handle it.

My husband was not home and he is the one who has been the main parent for him because of my illness, but he came home threatening, hitting things etc. Well I had to call the emergency response and police and its not local police its state police here in my town. Well they got here and recognized me and we chuckled about how good I looked and then with Peter they were really good with him. I told them to cancel the ambulance but they didnt and after a long drawn out scene in my yard and him running all over the place ( i have 6 aacres of land and woods) my daughter was finally able to settle him down and they both went to the ER. Well of course they put him in the psych lock up section in the rubber room. So I go down and he was still extremely agitated but he did calm down but I had to stay overnight so here I am just got out of the Psych hospital myself and I had to sleep in the rubber room with my son.

Crazy as it seems I guess adrenaline kicked in to protect and deal with the really bizarre timing of this situation. Luckily no triggers to set me off, and I still cant figure out why considering all of this is such a trigger for me.

So we do what we do as parents to protect and advocate for our kids no matter what.

Looks chilly here, who is up for tea or cocoa??

[Hotspot]

Hey

Well I figured you both would understand.

I had counseling again today this man is quite decent. He doesn't get all anxious by my walking around or touching his stuff. To be brutally honest I don't remember my entire time there. I remember driving there and maybe 15 minutes everything is a blank until I was already half home. I gather that isn't such a good thing. Going can't help if I don't remember being there. Anyway, I have to return to work for a few days and then I can take some more time off like he suggested last time.

Sorry Shannon I think i hijacked your thread a little. My general neighborhood doesn't feel like a fit. I don't know where I really belong anymore. I know I don't have bipolar but maybe I can stay here a bit while I figure it out. who knows maybe will get moved somewhere else. I went to try and post in another neighborhood here couldn't figure out a title so, I scrapped the post

[shanrucas]

Hotspot, you are more that welcomed to stay in my neighborhood as long as you need, I am flattered that you feel comfortable here.

Give it time with your conselor, hopefully once he talks with you a bit more he can help shed a little light on to whats going on. I'm still thinking PTSD, but there could be something more, who knows. I am so proud that you are hanging in there. When you see him again make sure to tell him about the black out thing. I'm going to see my psychiatrist, but I have to wait towards the end of the month, by that time I think I am really going to need it.

[Lindamomof7]

Hey Hotspot glad you decided to stick around here

And I am really glad you are hanging in there with a counselor. Thats wonderful. I agree with Shannon that you need to tell him about your forgetfullness or whatever he says it is. It is very important that you share everything with him including your reluctance to see him.

Well I just spent my day at the ER. Sound familiar Hotspot:(

I have the signs of clots again and needed to get them checked out and compared to the last ct scan. 3 of my Dr's told me to get my butt there because you can't fool around. Tomorrow is an arterial doppler, lucky me

Hey Shannon, hope you and your Mom are doing well

[Hotspot]

Hey

Happy you guys don't mind my hanging here. I think we might need some snacks to go along with all this cocoa though.

Shannon, I'm sure you will be OK with a little help from your friends till your psychiatrist appointment. I hope things are going well with your mother.

Linda sorry to hear of your ER visit but also glad you went. I've had a arterial doppler before I know the joy. I found it more annoying and time consuming. Report back with results inquiring minds need to know of course. Wishing you well.

I babbled and bitched in my blog some over telling the counselor of my not remembering and all. He emailed me and I struggled with what to say. I came to something which didn't make me feel more like a freak. I see him tomorrow after work so, will wait to see how it all goes. I do think it weird that I don't seem to lose time with my wife or kids around. I told my wife about not remembering what happened at the last appointment.

Anyway, time for me to drag out the trash cans you would think 50 people live here with the amount of trash. One of my neighbors is already stringing his trees with Christmas lights. He is one of the most unbalanced coordinated folks I've met in a long time. I worry about him being on a step stool let alone a ladder. He never puts up many lights I'll have to go over and find out why he's doing it now past 8:confused::eek:

[shanrucas]

Hey guys, Its always good to see your posts it gets me by, I agree about getting some snacks to go with the cocoa..I will have to make a run to the store.

Linda,, hang in there, I hope that all goes well and they can fix the clot problem. My best wishes.

Hotspot, maybe the reason you don't loose time with wife and kids is because they are a comfort. Keep us posted on how things go, like you said inquiring minds want to know. Oh and let me know how the neighbor is doing, I have one of those too.

Mom not doing so well, I am almost certain its the MS progressing more. She is not mentally with it at all, I think the lesion that was found on her brain ten years ago has grown. Her doc thinks maybe too, they are trying to track down her neurologist as we speak. I don't think much can be done at this point other than making her as comfortable as possible. Right now its all I can do to get fluids in her, I have to crush her pills in applesauce to get them down her. I don't think she is even aware of her surroundings.

[freefawl]

Hi all:),

I am new here though I have been following the thread and posting back and forth with shanrucas over in the new member's forum. I am 44 yo woman with Bipolar 1. Just came off an episode of dysphoric mania and am now fighting a battle against depression.

I felt comfortable with you all after following your thread, but please let me know if I am butting in.

Shancrus I am so sorry to hear that your mom's disease may be progressing. This must be heartbreaking for you to hear, though I know you have suspected.

You mentioned to me you were taking medication. I don't think I asked if you were bipolar 1 or2 or if you rapid cycle. How likely is your disease to be triggered by all the stress you are under? Do you mood chart?

Does anyone in this thread mood chart? I just started after being manic, and I love it. I can see what my trend is and know when to call my doctor, and when I do see him I can give him hard data to back up my feelings. I wish I had known to start years ago after I was diagnosed. I might have seen the mania or the depressions coming and reacted a whole lot sooner. It would have cut 2-3 weeks off my manic episode, and recently I noticed a deepening of my depression very quickly and my doctor changed my meeds appropriately. I recommend it to anyone with a mood disorder, not just bipolar.

I hope I will get to know you all better. I am really happy to have found this forum. It is just the kind of support I was looking for. I was posting on another one, but there were no moderators and thus inappropriate suggestions and hurtfulness. I am glad to see there is a much better alternative.

[Hotspot]

Welcome Freefawl Have some cocoa

Shannon, very sorry to hear your mother is declining. She might not be entirely aware of her surroundings but I'd bet there is some part of her that might be able to recognize familiarities or at least I am strongly hoping this is the case. Be kind to yourself and your only human abilities

My father in-law has Parkinson's disease and Alzheimer's it's beyond difficult to watch such a strong vibrant man fading away as the illnesses progress. We all do our best to make sure he has everything needed and is as comfortable as possible. I try to remind my wife who often feels impotent in being able to help that at least we are all there for him. Many in this world have no-one to be there or to oversee their care. It brings her moderate comfort to realize everything possible is being done. The sadness doesn't go away of course

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Freefawl, welcome to the site and welcome to our hot cocoa club! Of course you can join in !!!

I am Bipolar II and PTSD and an ultra rapid cycler thank you to all the meds I was on. Right now I am not on meds only a high blood pressure med that helps with PTSD. I used to chart but once I became familiar with it in my mind and didnt want to rely and focus on the chart, I dont do it anymore. Basically I know what i need to know about my moods and the triggers and trying to decifer the PTSD triggers versus the bipolar.

Hey Shannon hang in there, I can't say I know how you feel, although I did help take care of my Mom after an AVM in her brain but not to the extent you are going through. Stay in touch with the professionals and of course we are all here and like I said if I am in MIA mode, email me.

Hi Hotspot, how about keeping some type of journal along with you wife and maybe you will see some type of connection to your time loss. The only time I have ever done that I believe it was a dissociative event. And this is one of the main reasons why I don't drive, it just scares the hell out of my husband and I can understand. So me not ever wanting to be controlled, I have looked at it as protection instead. Anyone living with us must really be saints thats all I can say!!!

Ugh going through alot of emotions right now. Sorry hotspot you can close your eyes and skip over this if you want

I got my period which didn't help my head and with taking the coumadin, I am just hemmoraging, literally!!! I am just dragging emotionally and physically

And my therapist brought about about sabatoge. Now I know I have done that in the past, I guess its a shutdown I go in when I dont trust or maybe it is that I really do want to die. And I guess my drug of choice now is food, the crappier it is for me the better. Death by food?? But then the Dr's get involved and I somehow very reluctantly listen to them and things will only get worse as I get older as I dont take care of myself anymore.

I can say I am not actively suicidal but I have to tell you, I do not want to ever get to a place like where Shannon's mom is. I guess that scares me and I dont want my kids to have to deal with me when I am older.

I feel guilty and I know I shouldnt but my kids are always right here for me when I need a ride somewhere or when they see me in my very mixed state my daughters take me out shopping. I just don't want to be a burden and I just assume give it up right now.

So, as I sit here crying, I wonder what the future will be and I definately don't want to get old...

Sorry guys for the crappy mood I'm in...

[shanrucas]

Hi everyone, looks like a made it through yet another day. Mom had a momet of clarity, it was great. Got some food and fluids down her.

Freefawl, I am very similiar to Linda it appears, I was diagnosed bipolar 2 and PTSD, rapid cycles.

And Linda, umm, seems we are cycling together, not with just bipolor if you get my drift.

I feel as you do, I don't want to get to the point where I need to be cared for either. I know how much it bothers my mom, that I have sacrificed so much I keep telling her that its only fair after all she took care of me clear up to my adulthood and even after. I know that Im lucky to have a mother like her.

I want to go out fast and in a flash of fire sort of speak, don't worry, I am not living on the edge and taking the risks I use to. At least not at this moment.

[Lindamomof7]

see even in her condition, she is helping you

I get it Shannon, lucky us... and sure hope your meds aren't causing you to hemorriage!!!