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shanrucas

Quest for my normal

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Hi All,

Thanks for the welcome

I am having kind of a shit day. I am sick, thus tired,and on top of that the medications I am on are making me sleepy and slow. I had a bunch a things I wanted to get done, and instead I snored on the couch. I guess I will have to put up with this for a while. It happens with every dose increase.

Linda and Shannon, you know I had huge mood swings with hormonal changes. After talking it out with my GYN she put me on the pill continuously. I never take the week off, and never get my period. It made my life much easier. I don't rapid cycle, but a period when I was depressed made me practically suicidal. I don't know if it is something that would help either of you or not. Just figured I would put it out there.

Shannon I am glad your mom seemed more with it today. I hope tomorrow will be a good one too.

Hotspot, I would love that cocoa right about now. I know it is not really cold here in the Bay area (I grew up in Vermont) but tonight I am freezing!

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Just got home from work kind of dragging ass at this point but yet I can't sleep.. growls

Sorry to hear about your shit day freefawl.

Great news about your mom eating and being a little more in the here with you Shannon.

Very glad all you gals are plowing through for the most part though.

I was telling my wife a little about you gals and she brought up something I hadn't even realized. Almost all of my friends are guys yet here everyone I've connected the most with are gals. Hmm, I wonder if that means something.

I had counseling again I had screwed up my appointment time somehow not remembering the hours I had to work. Anywho when I called to apologize and cancel he squeezed me in before I went to work. I have to say he is pretty neat guy for a shrink. I did tell him about not remembering most of the last time I saw him. He said he assumed I hadn't which is why he sent me an email inquiring how I was. Linda I guess you were either reading his mind or are a shrink in training He suggested I keep a journal of my time loss. Im not sure I want a written record of that. We talked that over and I will show it to him but he won't keep it like he originally wanted to.

I asked of course what he thinks my issue soup label is and why I'm losing time. He told me he has some thoughts on it all but told me it best not to get into it before sending me off to work. Obvious translation there must be you are fucked up.

He gave me 2 questionnaire things to fill out thankfully they are short. They also aren't like the other shrink's with the same questions reworded. I will actually fill these out. Along with my getting lost journal he asked that I email him daily. Is that an odd request? I think it is. When I asked what he would like for me to send him. He replied with anything you want to tell me about your day. I really like this guy he is much more human and calm than the other guy. His requests are strange though.

Anyway, I can't relate to the hormone and um enemy of the month issues but I feel for ya.

Well it's time for cocoa with mini mellows. My wife was baking up a storm so, I can share some of the cookies and mini pastries she made with you all.

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Hi Hotspot It sounds like you found a keeper in your therapist. Thats really wonderful :o

And yes I have been told many tmes in my support groups and by my therapist's that I should get involved in this field... Thanks

yeah maybe when I am up and functioning:rolleyes:

And I am really glad he wants you to email him daily, that is great and actually what he is doing is making you accountable to him through journaling. This will help you and it will help you get accustomed to being accountable daily about your thoughts and most of all, it will help him figure out whats going on with you...

Can't ask for anything more then that!!!:)

Hi freefawl, yes I noticed a significant increase in suicial thoughts and attempts and it correlates with my period. So, every 2 weeks I was suicidal and then if it combined with my depression, oh boy, to the psych hospital I went.

So my pdoc started me on the pill and that was very odd because when I was younger I swore it made me depressed so I came off of it and then got my tubes tied so taking the pill at 49 after 7 kids was really really odd but after the first month I had chest pain, shortness of breath etc and I had such massive blood clots that the ER told me I was lucky to be alive and that was back in July and I am still struggling now with the clots in fact I was just in ER again on Monday.

So I guess another med bites the dust for me, clearly why I am on no meds???:)

So here I am on blood thinners, the clots are diminishing and I get the periods from hell now....

The only med that I think might be holding down my depression might be the minipress (prazacin) I take for fluctuating high blood pressure. But its hard to say, I have purposely taken all triggers, demands and have lived on my couch so I wonder what that would be considered? Better? Worse? who knows...

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Hi guys, Just got back from doing barn chores, amazing what I can get done in 4 hours with 4 horses, not to mention taking care of a couple horses at another barn. whew, I'm exhausted. , not bad since I woke up around 3:30 am, not wanting to move at all. Came home and got right into my pjs. Mom resting, she's still a little more with it, but really fatigued. She has an appt with her doc on Monday.

Sorry, freefawl that you are having a bad day, I had alot I wanted to get done last weekend, everything got pushed back to this weekend. I think my meds are making me slow too, haven't gotten up to my orignal dose yet.

Linda, I hope the docs can get a handle on the blood clots, how scary and it has to be exhausting and draining for you. I'm wishing the best for you. Among other simularities, we are the same age, except I don't have seven children, I have seven animals though does that count?

Hotspot, Your new therepist sounds awesome. Remember the daily emails and journels will help him help you. Did you get the additional time off?

The cookies sound like an excellent idea, tell your wife that she is invited as well :).

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Busy is good Shannon, right? and yes 7 animals count, at least they cant talk back to you or challenge your parenting decisions :)

Bad day today, woke up and cancelled my therapist appt. Private message with my girlfreind on facebook and I guess she thought I was a little to depressed by saying, I dont want to grow old and I just dont want to live. Well I'm in the shower and the police come knocking on my door saying she was concerned for me. Cant blame her and she is a psych major in masters program and we talk frankly all the time, guess something just didnt seem right when she called me and I didnt answer. No big deal and luckily I held off my crying till they left. I had nice state troopers who knew me from before and was just very concerned for me and asked if I ever needed anything to call them. Then slept all day till now.

I freakin hate this, when will this horrible feeling end? And when will my desire for living ever feel good enough to actually live? I think I really understand why I throw my walls up so much, it's because I really don't want to live. And no matter what I do or think, it is still the core of what I want and there is no masking it... so I sabotage... I wish I would never have to wake up ever again.... :o

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Hi all,

Linda,

I can understand why your friend was concerned. It sounds like you are in a really dark place. I am concerned for you too. I am sorry I am just getting to know you, so excuse any silly questions. Are you in therapy right now, and do you have people who can check in with you periodically until you are feeling a little better? I know you talked about your minipress. Are you not able to tolerate an antidepressant? I wish there was something I could say that would help and not sound to trite. I hope that you feel better. Depresion is sometimes slow to improve, but hang in there. I hope your vascular problems improve too.

Hotspot,

I am so glad you found such a great therapist. He sounds like a rare find. I think the journals are going to be really helpful. I have done the same in the past, and it was really helpful in spotting my defenses, and triggers. I hope it will be a valuable resource for you.

Shannon,

I am glad your mom continues to be more oriented, and I hope the Doctors appointment on Monday helps explain what is going on. It is amazing how you have held it together through all of this. I am so glad you were out with your horses this morning...even to do chores. Animals always make me feel better. I only have a little cat, but he is my best friend when I am feeling down.

I am having a better day, but things are not all well here, as my daughter is in crisis mode today. I felt horrible sending a distraught crying teenager to school, but she just missed a day last week for the same reason. Her moods are up and down all over the place. I am almost afraid to think it, but I am beginning to suspect she is showing early signs of bipolar. Her therapist has her diagnosed with an eating disorder and depression. That was how I was my first diagnosed as well, so I have to wonder. Whatever is going on is making my husband and I feel distressed, confused and helpless. Unfortunately her therapist is away this week so we just have to make it through. Next week we need a better plan, because we can't go on this way.

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Linda, as freefawl said you are in a really really dark place. It must be difficult right now, especially trying to get through just the medical crisis you are in. Your friend is caring and just wants to make sure you are ok, as do we. You are very bright and helpful and I have had glimpses of your sense of humor. Hang in there. All I can do from here is give you one of those mental (((hugs))). You, Hotspot and Freefawl have given words of strength to get me through the times of crisis, I hope I can do the same.

Am so glad today is much better for you Freefawl, I am sorry that you are going through a tough time with your daughter. How old is she? I was showing signs as early as 15, at 16 I was treated for depression, which of course didn't work all that well, I wasn't diagnosed for bipolor till I was in my 40's. And of course we know that this is something that runs in families. My mom's sister, my Aunt is bipolor as well. I have other family members with the disorder too.

I did get a chance to take a short nap, but mom started moaning and saying ow, ow, she doesn't realize that she does this, she does it in her sleep. All I can do is reposition her and that seems to do the trick. The doc she sees isn't her neurologist but her regulat doc, I am still waiting to get appt with him.

Again Linda we are here for you.

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shannon,

My daughter will be 16 at the end of December. I showed symptoms at the same age. I am adopted but I met my birth-mom and she is dysthymic. Her mom was a severe alcoholic with a mood disorder that was difficult to fully diagnose. I believe she was bipolar. Her sister was also bipolar. I am sad but not surprised my daughter is suffering some type of mood disorder. The eating disorder also goes through the generations.

I wasn't officially diagnosed as bipolar until I was 30.

It must be so difficult waiting to see the neurologist. I hope your regular doctor will have some ideas for you in any case. It sounds like you are doing all the right things if your mom quiets after you reposition her. You are a wonderful caregiver. Many people become frustrated and stop responding to things like that. It is difficult to respond over and over again. Incredible job!

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Thanks freefawl, but am no angel, I just love my mom so. I have had my share moments of frustration though, mostly during those times when I can't seem to be able to do anything for her. But then she gives me one of those smiles melts my heart. She has a way of making an impression on everyone in the medical community, she has such a wonderful and easygoing nature about her. Not many who have been in her situation for as many years can maintain a healthy attitude, all the mental disorders in the family passed by her, MS is enough, she is more like my great-grandfather who lived in his own home till he was 103, my grandmother took care of him, she lived to be 94. I guess caregiving runs in the family as well.

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Hi Everyone,

Shut down last night didnt take my coumadin and my minipress. Wish I knew where that stubborn shut out come from. UGH!!!

Shannon we are genetics , no way around it... In fact my oldest daughter got tested for the genetic clotting gene, the Dr called said she wanted to see her today so I am assuming she has it and needs to come off of the pill and she has one of those dermoid cycts that the pill is suppose to maintain if not shrink it so , now what??? We will see.

Freefawl, yes I see a pdoc and a new trauma therapist but I seem to shut down and she is just learning all this.. :)

Yes I can't take any psychotic meds or mood stabalizers, they make me so much worse, mentally and physically.

I used to chart my mood and found I have a cycle twice a day and I stopped because I knew how to recognise and didn't want to focus on the negative the chart shows, but I would suggest it to everyone.

Hey hotspot how are you? how is your journaling doing?

So what kind of snacks are we having? Anything chocolate:D

Edited by Lindamomof7

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yes, yes bring on the chocolate, me needs some seratonin. Actually, I am just feeling plain ole numb, no way or the other.

And yes freefawl, my mom is probably the strongest person I now, she seems to be sleeping away again today, still wants to sleep alot, hope the docs can shed some light on this..but deep down I think I know the answer. Bless her heart. In the beginning I use to chart as well, found it extremely helpful, over the years it taught me how to recognize my cycling. I haven't kept a chart for some time.

Linda, I'm sorry your daughter has to go through this too. I hope the best for her as I hope you can get some help with all this. You are incredible to manage all that you are faced with without mood stabilizers.

Hotspot, tag your it, you gots to let us know how you are doing and bring some chocolate.

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Hi Shannon,

yes I guess though I am NOT handling it well. Right now my son is in one of his tantrums and being so rude to him I just want to beat him... He keeps telling ME to go to the hospital. Time for more of his seroquil... ugh I cant handle this everynight. Bad enough I dont feel well and if anything is going to make me punch the wall it is him... I so hate to say this about my own son.... No wonder I don't want to live anymore................

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OK, I am here with chocolates, apple turnovers and mini cheese cake puffs.

Sorry, for my absence I wasn't able to take more leave from work yet. Spent the past 36hrs in hell. I'm sorry to read you are all stressed wish I could offer more help with some of it.

My time loss journal is coming along. I've also tried doing the daily emails without much success. He tells me I need to talk/write more. I shoudn't be keeping so, much to myself. He told my wife that he is very concerned about me. I'm frustrated with it all. He sent me a list of email starter type questions I know he meant well but it made me feel stupid. I wrote back telling him when I have something to write I will. He replied almost ignoring what I said and listed the questions again saying let's try this again. What am I missing here? Shouldn't it be about what I want to talk about and when I do? I have an appointment later with him. There is clearly a problem here and I don't think it's him. Getting another one wouldn't change anything. Maybe counseling isn't for me.

I am very tired maybe after a nap I'll understand why this isn't working for me. I feel like I'm trying but not getting anywhere.

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Hi Hotspot

Of course I would love some chocolate, apple trnovers and cheese cakes puffs... YUMMMMMYYY :)

Sorry your working so much, I hope you will be able to find some middle ground with that...

I think your therapist is trying to learn more about you by asking you the questions. He can only do some much in his office visit so I think he is fact finding in a speedy way...

Please keep seeing him, he is listening to you and by giving you the questions again I think he really is trying to jump start you in letting your feelings known which you have always kept to yourself.

It is about what you want to talk about be let him do his job, he must see the need for you both to talk about things in the direction he needs to go in. You might not understand it now but later you will see the revelance...

Let us know how you make out :)

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Oh do please hang in there Hotspot, I know it's hard going through counseling, unlike going to your GP doc to get a physical where you go in and it's over quickly. A therepist is trying to provide a physical of your brain, poking into those dark places of your mind. It isn't over quickly and takes time. Linda took the words out of my mouth about how he is just trying to jumpstart you. Even if you become angry at him, it will provide him with information. In a lot of ways going to the therepist for a "physical" is a lot more painful than going to a GP doc for a physical.

I hope this makes sense, I am having trouble today with words and thoughts and expressing myself, don't know why, maybe I got more sleep than usual and I am not use to that.

Oh and thanks for the goodies.:)

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I should practice what I preach considering I am pissed at my therapist because Thursday was a big red flag with the police coming to my door and I texted her if it was her that sent them after I cancelled my appt with her and my husband calling her and she hasnt returned the call.

She knows I am one of those patients that can be very dysregulated, give up, hide all my shit.,quit yet be head strong, stubborn and can totally shut down....

Ummm I am the patient right? and I did tell her I am my own worst enemy at times and this could and will happen as it has in the past...

Hmmm sounds like a trust/abandonment issue?????:)

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Hi everyone,

Sorry I have been MIA. It has just been a very hectic day and a half. My daughter is doing better, a little less depressed, but complaining about being "fat". Linda, I can so sympathize with you. Sometimes I just want to shake her and tell her to "wake up!". It doesn't help that I am fighting my depression as well. I have to really fight to find the patience and the positive words she needs right now. I am sorry to say, I am not always successful.

Hotspot, I am sorry to hear about your frustrations with your therapist. I think this push and pull dynamic is really a big part of therapy. Sometimes having something to fight against that you know isn't going to strike back at you is very freeing, and brings up buried issues. I really hope you stick with it.

I am glad you are getting sleep Shannon, and I know what you mean about to much. I am good with six hours. Anything over eight and I am dopey and sluggish. I know of no medical basis for this, though my migraine doctor explained that the brain gets set for your regular sleep and wake cycle. If I throw it off I get a migraine. I wonder if the oversleeping has other effects that are related.

Well I am off to have a therapeutic cup of tea. Everyone is invited. I promise to have cookies.

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Thanks for the tea and cookies freefawl, Linda would of been here but she said she is having trouble logging into the forum, she was able to message me, says its not her computer though.

I hope you have a nice quiet evening, glad your daughter is doing a little better, it's hard enough to just be a teenager, I don't think there is ever a right thing to say, just being there is just about all you can do.

I got a 2 hour break today, the lady that use to caregive for mom on Saturdays says she wants to volunteer a couple of hours once a month. I just love her, I am so lucky. Mom is doing a little better, still wants to sleep alot though. I guess I'm doing ok, not feeling one way or the other, not necessarly depressed, as Linda put it just kinda flat. Don't know if that is good or not.

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Hi Shannon,

I am sorry I have been slow to respond. I am really busy right now. I just started a program for people who have chronic pain. It is all day, four days a week, so I am adjusting

How did your mom's doctor's appointment go today? Is she doing okay?

I am sorry you are feeling flat. That is how I experience depression. Emotions are blunted (or at least the happy ones ) and colors fade to gray. I don't know about your depressions, but mine are atypical for the most part. I oversleep and overeat and feel like above. I know you said you see your doctor at the end of the month, but can you call him/her if things get worse for you I just worry for you because you carry so much on your shoulders.

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Thanks for concern freefawl

My flat feeling comes just before slipping through depression. but I'm not thinking about that now. Mom's appt with her GP doc went good. He agrees with me that most of whats going on right now with her is due to the MS. Sounds strange but I was a bit relieved, I guess because I was worried she had someother thing going wrong with he. She is more of her old self and I can't ask for more than that.

I also think why I am feeling the way that I do is cause of all the stress and worry I went through with her recently, I'm exhausted don't thing I will have to much trouble sleeping tonight.

Wow your program sound extensive, hope it goes well for you. your descriptions of the colors is perfect. When I am manic everthing brighter and sharper, then when I come down they fade.

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