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Quest for my normal


shanrucas

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Hi Everyone,

well my emergency therpay appt with my therapist went well. We/I cleared up some issues I had felt and then now how to deal with them. Somehow I think I test the waters for trust.

And for me to even go back and discuss this was a huge step for me. My usual runaway feeling was there but something pulled me back to reality and want to clear this up with her. I guess I like her, trust her? Is that enough? Dunno...

Trust and abandonment, an interesting notion to deal with when we feel insecure. Does anyone else push away people to see if they come back or stay and support us??? hmm sounds crazy .....:) or is it??

So we are laying some more foundation on our relationship and how I feel and what to do when I want to give up. So when I cancel an appt, it means I am feeling very insecure and I need help. Again, does anyone else feel that way??? Gees I think I do more of this with my pdoc and therapist then my husband.... And again, another interesting notion to think about...

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I am so proud of you Linda to hang in there and going back to your therepist. working on the trust and abandonment issue is a hard one to do.

Have I ever pushed anyone back to see if they would stick it through..oh yeah. The last relationship I was in I now can see how I would do that very thing. After almost getting killed by someone I thought I loved my trust was really damaged and I put my last boyfriend through the ringer, he stuck it through though...however, we are not together anymore but for different reasons. I must say though the thought of even trying to get into another relationship scares me..I think my trust and abandonment issues need to be worked on as well.

Good for you for sticking with it though Linda, setting a good example:D

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Hi Shannon, thanks and you know what? It wasn't really a conflict. Isn't that what most misunderstandings or arguments are all about? Exactly that, misunderstanding of what others said or feel.

Ultimaltely it was my misinterpretation of what she was trying to say, not that I was wrong but it is how I perceived it and not that she was wrong in her presentation but it was that I was "sensitive" and I guess I perceived it as how my Mom would act and I shut down....

We are always learning something aren't we??? Thanks for hanging in with me... :)

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I think I just went through a similiar situtation with a friend, I am sure I totally misunderstood her (I often do not understand her anyway) but I allowed it to really set me off. I got totally upset, I now realize that I have been fighting from slipping into a dark abyss. I decided it best not to have conversations with her at this time, she is a trigger.

I am glad I was able to be there for you and I am happy things got straightened out with your therepist.

Shannon

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Thanks Shannon. I totally understand what you mean by people being a trigger. remember the women in my support group that was so agggressive, defensive and out of hand? Well I chose to walk away and never go back. I guess I felt the social workers in charge should not have been afraid of her but hey not at my expense will I go back and "talk" it out with an irrational women. I think we have all been burned enough in our lives to keep from ignorance and conflict affecting us....

I would have loved to have cleared up why she felt so wronged or whatever her issue is but thats not my job to justify what I said when she will hear nothing but herself. So yes walking away sometimes is good...

So, here it is 3:30 in the am I am up!!! I knew it!!! yesterday turned in mania, controlled mania but hey I bleached the counter!!! I don't think you were here when we had this discussion of what we do when we start to feel better. Well, the first thing I do is bleach my kitchen counter!!! And although my family cleans and the counter is clean, I still need to move everything on it and bleach it. An OCD type of thing? I have no idea but it has come up to many times to be a coincidence....

So I woke up and my wrist is killing me! What did I do have a fight in my sleep, but it is really really sore and it wasn't like that when I went to bed...

Today should be intereseting, schedule wise anyway so lets see how I make out with it especially not driving....

Oh and it is raining so hard and the winds are suppose to pick up and possible trees to be knocked down, Great, I live in a very wooden area....

Have a good day!! :)

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Mmm, I think when I feel better and more active I tend to rewash dishes, I have also been known to re-arrange things.

Today was a decent quiet day, well except for the excitement of the herd of loose horses coming down the road straight at me, otherwise a quiet day. I had the barn to myself, so all of my horses got some decent exercise. I didn't have to deal with the person who triggers me these days. I mutual friend told her that when Iam having a bad day it's best to leave me alone. I thought the jester was sweet.

We are expecting some rain and wind as well, I too leave in wooded area.

well I hope your day goes well Linda:).

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As you saw on FB a tree fell ove my driveway and they had to stop power to the area so they could fix it. It was really windy and the ground was soaked...

Hahaha, I went shopping while all this was going on...

Yeah I love to rearrange furniture to. My family comes home and knows how I feel by what I do or don't do. Unfortunatley it is becoming so far and few in between that it is really frustrating especially for me. But they are so understanding and I know I am lucky....

So off to my therapist this morning then lunch with my girlfriend. Got to do it now while I "can" :)

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Hi There,

I know it's been a while. I see you have been muddleing through for the most part. Things here aren't too great. I swear if it weren't for my wife and kids anyway, I've gone to counseling 8 times now it really isn't helping with anything. Either I don't remember the time I spend there or like this last time I was screaming my head off at this poor man. I can't even remember what or why I was screaming at him. Granted I am paying him and all doesn't mean I should be abusing the guy. I called to apologize he told me it wasn't necessary that he understands. He suggested I come and see him 3 x a week already been going 2 x. I don't know next is he going to want me to move in. I keep asking him what he thinks is wrong with me his answer left me more confused.

My wife thinks the counseling is helping me. She told me I am less tense I sure as hell don't feel less tense. How could it be helping if I don't remember most of it or spend the time screaming like a kid having a tantrum.

Enough pissing and moaning from me. Do you ladies have anything good to tell me about? I think we should go on a well deserved virtual vacation. You gals pick the spot and let me know if I should pack a ski hat or bathing suit.

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Hey Hotspot, glad to hear from you, I was worried...

I'm not an expert but I believe what you are experiencing with your counselor is actually a good thing? And you should think of the time you spend with him is an investment in "YOU"

No matter what crap goes on in the office, he is right, he does understand.

And it might not be as easy as ok you are diagnosed with_ _ _ .... It is complicated, I'm sure ...

So allow him to do his job and let him help you. It's ok that you feel frustrated, thats part of the process. If you weren't then you wouldn't need him...

Gees, hotspot you are exhibiting time loss!! What would you do if it was one of your kids experiencing what you are going through. What would you do to help them?

I am seeing my therapist now 3 times a week and yes sometimes I feel like I should just bring an aerobed and put it in the corner of her office... I've been at this for almost 5 years now, so I have to keep trying and I can say that because I am feeling better at the moment. God help us all when I slip back down :eek:

I have gotten so used to this that I actually say ok now that I am feeling sane enough to tackle something, I say ok, now's the time!!! Pretty crappy way to live because not only do I disappoint myself, I feel like I disappoint my friends and family because I am so different when I cycle and shut down... :)

It is this time in my cycle that is so conflicting though. I feel so good and positive and productive but it is almost a tease of getting comfortable with "normal" and then we all experience the loss and it is almost as if we all grieve. Very odd way to live....:(

Ok so where do you want to go hotspot? I'm thinking skiing, with some hot cocoa, some wine and some good times with some great online friends... Oh and lets not forget the snacks!!! :)

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It's good to hear from you Hotspot, I've been thinking about you and your family.

I agree with Linda, ya just gotta hang in there. Journal, write notes etc. It took years for me to get a diagnoses, not saying that it will take you that long, but if your therepist wants to see you 3xs a week I'm sure he has good reason

A good thing I guess I can share, is that my mom came out of her weird dementia, she is a bit more of herself, still wants to sleep more than I would like, but at least she is aware of her surroundings and has a decent appetite.

mmmm where would I like to go on vacation. I have always wanted to see the pyramids in Egypt, thats the exotic place, now if you guys want to come to Oregon we have beautiful sand dunes to fourwheel on and or go horseback riding on. The Dunes take you out to the pacific ocean too.

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Hi Shannon

So glad to hear that your Mom is more aware. Is it part of the illness or is something affecting the changes?

I feel like I have been to Egypt. I have been watching the history channel with the pyramids and how it is really a time machine and with its predictions and of course the 2012 end of the calendar...

Today was good, I ventured into my laundry room!!! yippe for me.. really that is a big step for me. So having to blast my music and cleaning and needing to "feel" it I must have something going on with me to allow me to do these things. I just am enjoying this but oh how I hate it because it will leave and I will feel "flat" again... UGH!!!

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That is great news about your mother Shannon. I'm relieved for both of you. I'm sure it puts you more at ease and able to enjoy time with her.:(

Now, all this laundry talk made me laugh. Good to know you both ventured in to the laundry rooms.

I must confess I have not been in our laundry room in forever. In my case though I'm not really welcome in there. The only time I go in is when my wife would like another shelf put up or her storage shelving rearranged. Had a bit of a daboggle oh probably like a year or so, ago. My wife well don't want to say enjoys doing the laundry but she is quite particular about it, translation only she can do it the "right way". Sometime last year I thought I'd help out not sure why I did it anyway, now it's been quite awhile since I've done laundry. I have done it and know basics. Colors must be separate from the whites, how much detergent, how to turn the machine on. My folding abilities um not too great but it's OK

I decided to throw in a load of laundry thinking it would be pleasantly surprised help Oh it was a surprise alright lol Well I don't know why but everything in the load turned pink. Something obviously must of snuck in that shouldn't have. She laughs about it now but was less than a happy camper when it happened. So, I'm barred from the room indefinitely.

As for all the counseling stuff had to laugh about the aerobed. He does have this XL sofa perhaps I could do away with bringing a blowup. He is actually a really good guy and I don't get all I want is your money vibe from him at all. Between his emails, calls etc he is working above and beyond any counselor I've heard about.

Now if one of my kids was losing time like I do I'd make sure I found the best treatment possible. This isn't about them though. What is really weird is that I don't lose time when with my wife or the kids. I don't lose time while at work. I lose time when I am alone and now with this guy. I never expected him or any counselor to have some magic wand. After seeing someone 8 times would think there would be some understanding or progress. My wife says there is this guy agrees. Something else that seems odd to me is that I don't normally scream my head. Not much if any yelling going on at home except from the kids. I do a lot of yelling at work even that is with a known reason.

Turkey search rant

My wife sent me to the supermarket think I told you how I hate shopping. She loves shopping always looking for bargains racking up savings with coupons it's fun to her. Every year because she shops at 2 different stores mainly for the groceries we wind up getting the slips for the free turkeys. She only will cook the butterball brand the free turkeys are the store brand not sure what the difference in the birds are. Off to the store I went with list and free coupon in hand. We always give the free birds to Island Harvest to give out to those less fortunate.

I get to the store head to the frozen bird section. Now the coupon states the bird needs to be store brand and 20lbs or less. I start going through the birds finding everything from 20+ to only 12-14 pounders. I keep looking figure the closest possible must be in there. This older lady comes over practically running my foot over and starts getting into the birds. I could see she was looking for something specific. Having just gone through a stack myself I asked what size she was looking for. She answers me rather crabby whatever one I want it's free. I said something like yeah I'm looking for my free right sized bird too motioning to a section I'd already gone through saying they are way over the limit. She barks back with what limit? I tell her what the coupon states she huffs and says the coupon doesn't say anything like that. She goes in her purse which looks more like a mini suitcase shoving her coupon in my face saying see Good for 1 free turkey I point out the sentence underneath about the brand and size limit. She yanks the coupon from my hand and picks up a well beyond 20lb bird spouting she will take whatever god damn one she wants. She hoists it into her cart and crabbily walks away. I finally found a bird 18. something close enough and my patience for shopping was nearing it's end.

I picked up few other items my wife wanted thankfully she put the isle numbers down no clue how she remembers them. I roll my cart up front get in the 20 items or less line only 2-3 people in front of me. I start reading the titles of one of those Star, Enquire type papers about a male dog that gave birth to a healthy litter of 9. Then I hear crab ass. She is the one at the register now yelling at the kid ringing things up telling him how she wants her god damn free turkey etc etc between her bird being over weight, her trying to use expired coupons and paying by check for some other items the express lane is now the lane from hell. Finally my turn wouldn't you know it's now cashiers are changing time. I HATE SHOPPING

After that rant really do need a vacation. Not feeling the Egypt pyramids. Thinking something along the lines of relaxation and drinks with silly umbrellas in there for you gals. Maybe some nice crashing waves in the background.

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Hi Hotspot its good to hear from you...

Haha yes some of us are very particular about our laundry. Tell your wife to join in with us!!!

I know I am and I never ever let my husband do my laundry for that exact reason you described. I guess its like me going to the garage and start using the power tools. Now I feel comfy in the garage as well and not afraid of the power tools but I know my husband and now son have their quirks about the workbench :(

I have a nice big laundry room thats clean and organized. I am still amazed that he can make it look like , well, his garage or his desk!! :eek:

I need it neat, clean and organized to keep the amount of laundry we do a day, functioning.

Over the last few years my husband has been forced to do the laundry because of my hospital stays and still does it when I'm home and it is nice that he will do it BUT : LISTEN AND FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS FOR DOING IT RIGHT AND EFFICIENT. (Remember I have 7 kids)

Nooooo he does it his own way and I wish he would keep it my way so it is done right, efficient and that the kids can take their own folded piles to their room. So instead he ends up doing it all and is up all night doing it....

So when I dont do it and want to venture back in, I really have to be in the mood to clean and reorganize it or if not, I look at it, feel overwhelmed, frustrated that I cant just walk back in and do it so I melt like the wicked witch and go back to the couch...

So he does it, ok thats good but does it wrong like bleaching my white lace bra's!!! A big NoNo. Thats ok he can keep ruining them, I will just buy more:D

Yes shopping has worn on me as well and I love to shop, well usually. Bitchy people are not fun and just the attitude of doing what they want and gettting away with it because they do bitch really infuriates me so I do understand Hotspot...

Glad you are seeing that your therapist is doing a good job. I think like any profession you will find the quacks but someone in this field I think has a good heart and their intentions are to truely help....

So ok we have different views about a vacation... hmm I will have to thnk more about this. Snow skiing or swimming. How about water skiing and snorkeling??? Anyone up for that??? :(

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Ok your not going to believe this Hotspot. Now remember I ventured into the laundry room yesterday. Cleaned it organized it, the 9 piles are set up so its mindless setup is easy for everyone. Well I found out my older son who sometimes does the laundry because he wants one of the 2 pair of bluejeans in the dirty laundry basket so he did a load of wash and mixed everything together. Do you know what happens to the soft thin cotton clothes that get beat up by the heavy bluejeans in the washer AND dryer!!! ??? AHHHHHHH

So, time to set up ground rules again!!!

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Oh boy, I hate shopping too, I will put off as long as I can. I think people should take driving lessons when operating a grocery cart, there have been times I wish I had some sort of horn when I'm trying to get by with my cart.

Aren't you glad you are not the family of the grabby old woman, can you imagine having Thanks giving with her?

And Hotspot, your therepist sounds awesome, does he do long distance counseling? :(.

Ok,,as for or vacation, how about Hawaii, Cacun Mexico, or somewhere like that, I'm game.

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I gather I wouldn't be welcome in your laundry room either :)

A horn on shopping carts would be helpful.

If that crab ass woman showed up at my thanksgiving think I would have to beat her with a drumstick. :eek:

Went shopping again today thankfully no old crabby bats around. It's time to start getting the outside Christmas lights and decorations together. Last year several strings bit the dust needed to get replacements. My sale hunter wife came across a decent sale. The kid's went to their grandparents to be spoiled rotten off my wife and I to shop. The first store I lucked out a bit since the parking lot was packed I let her out at the door. I went to hunt down a spot by the time I entered the store she was nearly done.

Then we hit the toy store again several more sales. Then it was off to home improvement store. The carpet in the playroom has had it, I want to rip it up and just lay tile. My wife thinks another carpet would be nicer. Between the chalk, paint, glitter, play doh, paste and glue, tile seems like a wiser choice. Several years ago I used chalk board paint to paint a section of 1 wall about 5ft tall and the entire length a little less than 16ft the kids use it all the time. Chalk gets all over the carpet. They also tape paper to it and paint drippings all over the rug in that area. I saw these tiles which when laid turn into a checkerboard pattern. I thought it was neat my wife hated it. She's like it wouldn't go with anything in there. I didn't know things had to match in the playroom or were even possible. Besides the table with chairs, train table with stools, a few bookcases an beanbags the rest is just toys, stuffed animals and more toys. Anyway, guess what winded up being ordered? hint: my idea didn't win. I did choose where we had dinner.:)

Anyway, Hawaii sounds great I'll start packing

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Hey Hotspot, glad your getting out and keeping busy, even with the chance of meeting cranky shoppers and people who steal parking places :mad:

yeah it sounds like your wife and I would get along real well. I would have to agree with her but a compomise could have been considerd because I agree with you about all the kids stuff getting on the rugs. I hate rugs myself but tile can be cold and could really hurt if they rough house around.

Play rooms are play rooms. I remember when my kids were younger I had a complete classromm set up for them. The girls taught and the boys destroyed it (gee, not surprised!!!:eek:)

Hey at least you got the dinner choice but she still owes you, so collect big time!!! :)

I will start packing to, I want to go snorkeling... :)

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I am so ready to pack my bags! I need something positive, I am heading down the old road of depression and fighting it as hard as I can, but I am soo tired. Mom had a great day yesterday, today not so good, not her worse though.

Then to top it off, my Aunt called, wanted to know how mom was doing, so I told her. I am doing my best to understand that she finds it hard to come and see mom, (she hasn't come by since May). I know she has bipolor as well and seeing mom must be a trigger for her..but I can't help but be resentful, she talks about about how this or that costs and that they need more money. HELL! they own their home out right, no mortgage, uncle was a state senator and now a lobbyist and business man, her house looks like Martha Stewart lives there, they travel alot and have nice cars, so yes I am resentful. She hasn't done anything to help mom, or I, not that I would except it anyway.

Sorry just venting, she has a way of setting me off with just one phone call.

Really need that vacation

Im glad you have been keeping busy Hotspot, I would like tile, but Linda has a point about the rough housing, one of my favorite things to do was to slide across a slick floor in my socks,,always ended up with splat against the wall...mmmm explains a lot now that I think about it.

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I don't blame you Shannon for feeling the way you do about your Aunt. She doesn't offer help in any way and sets you off. I can understand her visiting more possibly being a trigger of her's however, talking to her is a trigger for you. You have a lot to deal with already. I'm not sure I'd be able to be as cordial as you have. I have some family on my wife's side that like to get reports but mostly complain, they never offer support. They too are well off yet always claiming to need and be without.

Does this Aunt call often? If she does I'd probably remind her she is free to visit anytime cutting the calls short. It's one thing for someone to not be able to offer support or visit often it's another just to not.

How'd I know you ladies would agree with my wife's rug choice for the playroom hmmm :)

I think our vacation is well needed. Is everyone packed? I have my swim trunks and swim fins packed. Linda has her snorkel. I feel like we are forgetting something.

I told my wife I needed a vacation an was going to Hawaii. I neglected to put in the virtual vacation part she looked at me like I was insane :eek: until I explained. Then she wished me well reminding me to pack sunscreen and sandals.:)

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Hi Shannon sorry you are not feeling well I hope it doesnt last long. Don't let your Aunt trigger you, I know its hard but stay strong...

Like I said before about your Aunt, how about asking her for some monitary help since she cant seem to help and provide emotional support.

Hey Hotspot I have to say I do like tiles instead of rugs but you can also look at it that it is a temporary situation until the kids get a little older and then you can put tile down. Or have you both thought about hardwood floors? Thats what I have in my whole house and I love it because when I clean them, they are clean and dont smell like rugs....

I have a 3 car finsihed garage that we use as a game room and a place for the kids and their friends to hang when they come over and since we knew it would cost a fortune to put anything down because it is 1200 sq ft, we just painted it for now and put some big throw rugs down. The kids don't care...

I like it cause I can BLEACH it!!! So if I had a rug out there UGH it would be a mess in a day because they use the door to come in and out of the house....

Ok so Hawaii it is, ok I need to go pack and I can't forget the camera!!! :)

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