Hello, I am in need of help

[Elijah]

Hello

I have problems and decisions to make that will affect direction of my life. I am almost 18. I was born in what outsiders would call a traditional Amish community. Until little more of a year ago I had never been out side of my community.

At 16 the time comes for exploring sampling all that is around. From 16 to 19 known as Rumspringa Now away and learning about how most of the rest of the world lives. Many many new experiences I have had. The ability to access so much knowledge and be a part of another world is amazing to me. Many beautiful, enlightening also frightening findings.

Beginning when I was a youngin always been known as a shy sensitive soul. Out in the world I have learned lots of the scared I have felt for years could be anxiety. For some months I thought maybe my fear grew from all that is new to me. New friends, new dress and etiquette technologies of amazingness. I do not know if I have a disorder from youngin time that has become worse or if it is because of all the new and my need to make soul defining decision.

I need to decide if I would like to return home and be baptized living within my communities beliefs or stay out in this new world. There are many things I think I might like to do that I would not be able to if I returned. I love my family and community with all my heart.

It is hard for me to decide or understand how much anxiety is born within me to begin with. The Elders advise me of my not having any disorder. They say it is expected growing pains.

I come to mental help to get help and other's thoughts.

Thank you for listening.

Elijah

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Elijah,

I can't claim to have any great insight into the Amish way of life. However, based on my limited understanding it sounds as though you have lived much of your life within a known world. Recently, you've had the opportunity to enlargen that view by moving out of your smaller community to see what else this world has to offer. I suppose it could be comparable to leaving a small town and coming to a big, bustling city.

I do think it would be expected that this transition would produce both wonder and anxiety. Knowing that you will later be required to "pick one" (your community or the larger world) would probably stir up some degree of anxiety in most people. That's a big life decision.

I do not know if I have a disorder from youngin time that has become worse or if it is because of all the new and my need to make soul defining decision.

Maybe it would be helpful to talk about some of the anxieties (fear/being scared) that you felt when you were younger as well as any concerns you might have as related to the decision you will have to make.

~ Namaste

[Elijah]

Hello Namaste,

Thank you for replying. May I know if you are male or female? Unable to know from your name.

I mentioned being Amish because it has a lot to do with my beliefs and need for outside insight. Perhaps my mentioning it is a turn off which led to only yourselve being nice enough to reply. Great insight into the lifestyle really is not a nessecitiy only a willing to listen and help if possible. I still am a person only brought up differently than the majarity of the world.

When I was a youngin I often would worry till I became physically ill. I would worry about my parents not waking from resting, my father becoming hurt or deceased from certain work. In the middle of tending to my chores great fear of our home burning down or great illness attacking the family. I would run from the fields home certain something terrible happened. When none of these worries happened it did not make me not worry. I thought they still could. As I aged the fears and worries did not go away.

Now being out in this other world caused more worry to show along with much learning delights sustained. My chest hurts often. My heart beats very fast and it becomes hard to catch my breath. When I check in with family knowing they are still OK does not make me feel better.

I am unsure what I will choose when the time comes to do so. The vast majarity do return to be baptized into adulthood. Acceptance of carrying out living within beliefs held within family and community happens. I have 7 siblings 4 of which are older than I. They all returned after Rumspringa going on to marry and begin family life. Talking with them has not helped with my choice. During their sampling time they have told me they always knew they would return. Yes, they wanted and did experience all that they could while away. In their hearts they knew where they truly were meant to be. They tell me I do too.

I really do not know where I belong or if I am ill.

Elijah

[Sweetsara]

You could be having panic attacks. The first time I had one I thought I was having a heart attack and was dying. I could feel my heart slamming against my chest, I was literally fighting to get a breath in or out, my head was pounding and my vision blurred. My job called an ambulance and I was taken to the hospital to be told it's just a panic attack. I used to take a daily anti-anxiety med but now just take it when I feel stressed.

I don't know how strict your community is but if you go back can you get counseling? Can you get counseling while you are on Rumspringa? It might help just to have a professional to talk to. You might just have a nervous dispostion and need medicine to help you calm down. Good luck.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi Elijah,

I don't think your being Amish is a turn-off, though it might make it more difficult for people to reply when they've grown up very differently. However, in most cases people get one reply to their first posts, because we're few people here and there's plenty who write one post and don't show up again.

I agree that it's possible that you suffer from some anxiety issues. But also, when I was finishing school there were people who just knew what they wanted to do and it completely puzzled me, because I never did. Strangely I found some comfort in a song: "the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know, still don't." (wear sunscreen). I'm 31 .

Is there a specific time you have to make your decision and that's final then or is this something more flexible?

[Katey]

..........

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Elijah,

I am female. Namaste is a greeting or parting gesture but many people have thought it was my name because of the way it's added to the bottom of my post.

When I was a youngin I often would worry till I became physically ill. I would worry about my parents not waking from resting, my father becoming hurt or deceased from certain work. In the middle of tending to my chores great fear of our home burning down or great illness attacking the family. I would run from the fields home certain something terrible happened. When none of these worries happened it did not make me not worry. I thought they still could. As I aged the fears and worries did not go away.

When I was a child I often would have thoughts similar to your own Elijah. In a manner of speaking, I suspect my fears were related to the fact that I knew I was intimately connected to other people and they were important to me. Perhaps this is why your siblings returned to their community, because they, too, knew they were connected to others and wanted to remain connected with them.

Katey: I, too, have described myself as a “shy, sensitive soul” although I have recently stopped saying “shy” and rather now I would say “gentle”. I prefer to call myself a gentle, sensitive soul.

I copied that description Katey provided because I like the way she put it. It reminds me somewhat of this description of The Highly Sensitive Person

SomethingorOther: Strangely I found some comfort in a song: "the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know, still don't." (wear sunscreen).

I'm pressed for time at the moment and can't respond further but I did find the song SomethingorOther mentioned. It has been a favorite of mine too.

~ Namaste

Music of the Hour:

[Elijah]

Hello Sara,SomethingorOther,Katey,SpiritualEmergency

Thank you for the replies. You have given me much more to think over.

Some communities are quite strict. My community is a little more progressive. In strict communities adolescents spend their sampling time within the community being allowed to bring in and experience other modern worldly items. Short trips away and living within the community in special housing happens.

In my community during Rumspringa most head out and live in the City for several months to a few years. Host families or others that chose to leave the community provide board and offer guidance. Generally after 2 years of sampling a choice of which way you would like to pursue is asked of you. The following year or more is left to finalize before returning to be baptized and welcomed into adulthood. Nothing is exact some take less time than others to decide. To stay within traditions of my family and community I must decide by the expiration of Rumspringa.

If I choose to not return to begin adulthood than all contact with my community ends. Limited contact with my family remains. Basically I am deemed an outsider.

Counseling within the community is done by elders. Elders listen and offer guidance through times of discontent or confusion. They do not believe the existence of modern day disorders. During sampling time I may partake in anything offered in modern society. In my community modern medications are accepted only in rare life or death situations.

I have done a lot of reading to try and understand my fears. Anxiety disorder fit most of what I experience. Finding a modern counselor to talk about this with is a good idea thank you. I am not sure how to find one, are they located in hospitals?

During my time away I have experienced a great amount. Some of my friends joke me because I have partaken in many things considered touristy as they call it. I have gone to aquariums, beaches,zoos, museums, National landmarks, movie theaters, plays, music concerts, Disney world. That Epcot center was amazing. I have gone in tiny cars, SUVs and to a wedding in a limousine, buses, planes and the subway. I have tried pizza, Chinese food, sushi, matzo ball soup pastrami sandwiches, gyros, hotdogs, taco and burritos, potato chips, nachos, slush puppies. Cell phones, computers, music players, televisions, DVDs, pornography and video games. I drank alcohol, coughed through some of a cigarette and a cigar. Wear Jeans, sneakers, tshirts, sweatpants, boxer briefs.

I got a GED which then allowed me to audit classes at a friend's University. There were many choices, it was hard to pick which classes. I was only allowed 6 choices. I took basic computers, technology, physics, modern literature, music appreciation and philosophy. I am amazed by Libraries, buildings with the sole intention of education and learning. Libraries and computers are exciting. Books about places far away, books that explain everything in the world, books for enjoyment and fantasy. Computers that if you can type a thought or idea brings more to you in seconds.

All of these wonderful experiences are things I would never be able to return with or partake in again. I want to be fulfilled and happy. I do not know if I could be returning home. My fears and worries have not gone away. I worry they will be a problem throughout my life wherever I go.

My parents wish for my return and tell me they can not see me living among the outsiders. They do not think it could be a fulfilling or rewarding life. They tell me I must appreciate what I have. Return and begin adulthood which is waiting to welcome me. Settle down begin family life. The Elders tell me everything will fall into place, to not allow unneeded luxuries cloud my mind or steal my heart.

Most others in my community appeared to know exactly what they wanted. I feel like an alien. By the way SomethingorOther I like the sunscreen song thanks for telling me about that. I listened several times. I understand why you and SpiritualEmergency like it.

Thank you for listening and offering me help. I appreciate it ten fold.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Elijah,

I want to recommend a novel to you by Chaim Potok. The title is The Chosen. Its the fictional story of an extremely orthodox Jewish family living in an extremely orthdox and exclusively Jewish neighborhood in Brooklyn. The religion may be different from Amish but the story is the same as the brillian oldest son wants to go out into the world. There are lots of very emotional struggles he faces with himself and with his father, who is a Rabbi.

Perhaps it will help you undersand the choices you face through the eyes of this wonderful novel.

From my perspective, and this is strictly and only an opinion and not meant to be taken as a professional or psychological opinion, religion, especially like the Orthodox, Priests, Nuns and Amish, is very restricting. Many people like that. That is why they choose to live that way. It is your decision but its not an easy one.

Allan

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi Elijah,

if you still have access to the university you could check if they have a university counsellor or psychologist. I'm not sure where else you can find one, that's probably more a question for local people.

It must be difficult to grow up in a very closed community and then make such a definite choice between a way of life you've grown up with and a way of life you had only limited opportunity to explore, being very much an outsider, and that will also cut you off from the community. I would think a lot of your people might know exactly what they want, because they can't imagine such a big change at so high a price. The life you get inside seems to be pretty set, and outside there's other things you could do, but then you are no longer part of the community. I hope you find a way to decide what is more important to you in your life and I'm sorry the rules are so strict. I suppose it's also a question of your religious beliefs and how you want them to influence your way of living. I can understand that this must be a difficult time.

S.

[spiritual_emergency]

I wonder if something like this might be helpful to you Elijah...

Rumspringa: To Be Or Not To Be Amish

Rumspringa is Tom Shachtman’s celebrated look at a littleknown Amish coming-of-age ritual, the rumspringa—the period of “running around” that begins for their youth at age sixteen. During this time, Amish youth are allowed to live outside the bounds of their faith, experimenting with alcohol, premarital sex, revealing clothes, telephones, drugs, and wild parties. By allowing such broad freedoms, their parents hope they will learn enough to help them make the most important decision of their lives—whether to be baptized as Christians, join the church, and forever give up worldly ways, or to remain in the world. ...

"A teenage Amish girl sits in her buggy, one hand dangling a cigarette while the other holds a cellphone in which she is loudly chatting away. This girl, like many Amish teens 16 and older, is in a period called rumspringa, when the strict rules of community life are temporarily lifted while an adolescent chooses whether to be baptized into the church and abide fully by its laws.

Shachtman, a documentarian, is a sensitive and nimble chronicler of Amish teens, devoting ample space to allowing them to tell their stories in their own words. And their stories are fascinating, from the wild ones who engage in weekend-long parties, complete with hard drugs and sexual promiscuity, to the more sedate and pious teens who prefer to engage in careful courtship rituals under the bemused eyes of adult Amish chaperones.

Shachtman's tone is by turns admiring—of the work ethic, strong families and religious faith that undergird Amish life—and critical, especially of the sect's treatment of women and its suspicion of education beyond the eighth grade. Throughout, Shachtman uses the Amish rumspringa experience as a foil for understanding American adolescence and identity formation in general, and also contextualizes rumspringa throughout the rapidly growing and changing Amish world. This is not only one of the most absorbing books ever written about the Plain People but a perceptive snapshot of the larger culture in which they live and move."

-- Publishers Weekly

Source: Google Books

Elijah: In my community during Rumspringa most head out and live in the City for several months to a few years. Host families or others that chose to leave the community provide board and offer guidance. ... If I choose to not return to begin adulthood than all contact with my community ends. Limited contact with my family remains. Basically I am deemed an outsider.

Perhaps it would be helpful for you to speak with some people who have made the decision to leave the community, Elijah. If you are living with such a family now, they might know of some others you could speak with honestly about your own concerns and uncertainty. Quite often, the wisest voice is the voice of experience. You could ask them what it has been like for them to live with the choice they made and whether they value or regret it.

By the same token, you have identified some things you have learned in the outer world, that remain very important to you -- things like books and computers. If you did make the decision to return, would there be anyway for you to bring some of that life back with you? For example, would you be allowed to go to a library from time to time, to borrow books or perhaps, take some time on a computer station? I'm sure in many traditional Amish communities, that wouldn't be possible but you said that yours was a bit more progressive in its approach so perhaps that is a possibility after all.

~ Namaste

[Elijah]

Is the psychotherapy, penis and virginity forums for long time members only? Am I still considered a guest visitor? I am sorry as I do not understand the guest visitor, junior member, member, senior member status system here.

Thank you Allan what an interestingly delightful book which definitely parallels what I am experiencing. The Chosen is a very good read, I took many notes. I have started on The Promise now.

SomethingorOther, I will visit the guidance building at the University tomorrow. I was planning on going to speak with someone about seeing if it would be possible to audit more classes. While there I will see if I can speak with a counselor.

SpiritualEmergency, I read Rumspringa: To Be Or Not To Be Amish about a year ago. The title makes you think it has to do with the turbulence of this time but it really does not. Briefly it discusses what Rumspringa is, not much about how one deals with the choice that needs to be made. The majority of the book talks about how Amish live. It is a misleading title and was not of any help since I know how we live and the meaning of Rumspringa. Thank you for your suggestion, I appreciate and welcome them all.

I have talked with some that chose to not return to the community. Their largest regret and sorrow is from the distant relationship with their families. As time passes the contact becomes more strained, for some it ended altogether. Some that went on to become professionals and have their families outside say that they are content with their choice. It is hard for me to believe this because they seemed in pain. Others I have spoken with are angry.

I do not want to be angry or sorrow filled.

If I return to my community nothing I enjoy now can be taken back with me. Trips to a library or computer use is prohibited. The only books in the community are basic reading, math education, Bibles, Amish history and trades. I know carpentry, blacksmith, livestock and farming. Education beyond what here would be considered middle school is forbidden and considered unnecessary.

If I return to my community for baptism and then decide I made the wrong choice I will be shunned. Any contact with my family even limited would not continue.

I need to decide if my strong desire to attend college and partake in all these glorious things that now surround me, is worth losing my community and family.

I feel confused and alone. It is hard to breathe.

Elijah

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

The green box says that you should be able to post everywhere. Maybe you could try to log out and log in again. If that doesn't work the moderators would have to look if there's some technical problem.

[spiritual_emergency]

Elijah: I feel confused and alone. It is hard to breathe.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

It is difficult to be a human being sometimes Elijah and it's a difficult choice you're having to make. I can feel the weight of it upon you.

Meantime, your situation -- of being Amish and having to make a choice -- it's a bit of a unique situation but what is not unique is that many people have felt this pain of fearing that they will lose their family's love, support and acceptance if they try to honestly and authentically be who they are. In many cases, we make concessions and compromises.

In your own case, I sincerely wish there was a third choice for you. I wish you had the opportunity to find a middle zone where you could partake of both worlds.

~ Namaste

See also: The Spirit of Tonglen

[spiritual_emergency]

Thinking some more Elijah... There is a phrase: Caught between a rock and a hard place. I'm sure you've heard that and can especially identify with it right now because this is where you are. No matter which choice you make, it's going to mean losing something that is valuable to you. If you choose to remain in the larger world, it will mean losing your family. If you choose to return to your community, it will mean losing an essential part of your self.

I have talked with some that chose to not return to the community. Their largest regret and sorrow is from the distant relationship with their families. As time passes the contact becomes more strained, for some it ended altogether. Some that went on to become professionals and have their families outside say that they are content with their choice. It is hard for me to believe this because they seemed in pain. Others I have spoken with are angry.

What about you Elijah? Do you feel anger over this choice you have to make? Are you feeling grief? Perhaps this is part of the key to understanding your anxiety at this time. Perhaps it speaks to some weightier emotions that are sitting behind the anxiety.

Do you know how to safety express anger and work through it? Do you know how to grieve?

[Elijah]

Hello

I have been taught anger in one's heart is a misuse of energy. Anger felt inwards or outwards is a sign of discontent within faith among other things. I will try to answer as best I can with my limited expression or understanding of anger feelings.

I do not feel anger over the decision I need to make.

I feel ill equipped.

I feel disappointed and selfish.

I feel unworthy.

I do not feel grief. Grief is not accepting.

I feel maybe I was too inattentive in listening to teachings while a youngin. My inattentiveness has led me to feel alone possibly increasing my own anxiety now.

I did go to the University today and I spoke with an advisor. She made several phone calls which will allow me to audit 10 more classes. I am looking forward to choosing classes and attending them in January. I must be honest I had some highly impure thoughts about this woman. She was an older woman wearing a top which revealed her under garments. She had a skirt high and with a slit on the side. She had see through stockings. I found it hard to maintain eye contact because I feared she would know my thoughts. I did not mean to be disrespectful. She would like me to return once I decide on the classes. I was relieved to leave. Before I left she called a Psychologist on the campus and I walked over to meet with him.

It was incredibly nice of him to speak with me. He was generous with his time. I told him about the trouble I am having over making my decision. He inquired about many of the customs and limitations. I told him of my anxiety as a youngin and now. We talked for hours, it was nice to have someone to talk with. After our 3 hour talk we went over to the cafeteria continuing our talk with cheeseburgers and french fries.

We talked about many things which led to other things. One of his questions led me to thinking I might be closer to my decision than I thought. I do not recall the exact question but it related to what percentage do I feel at the moment towards either choice. Remaining in this new amazing world I have been able to be a part of or returning to my community. Right now I feel I am 60% towards not returning.

The doctor told me he sees people in his private office offering to see me again. I am not a University student so, he would not be able to see me again on campus. I do not become 18 until next month but if my parent's sign this form he gave to me he can see me at his office. I will visit my parents tomorrow. He gave me a homework assignment, I am not sure if I can do it correctly.

It is helping to talk about everything here. I thank you all for listening and offering me assistance.

Elijah

[Katey]

..........

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I'm glad your meeting with the university psychologist went so well and I hope this will help you with your decision.

I also thought the anger that some people feel might not be about the decision or connected to their faith, but rather at their parents, who live in a way that makes them decide, but then acts like their decision is "wrong" and whatever they decided to do with their lives is (likely) something a good Amish person doesn't even think about. Do you think that might be a reason they feel hurt?

[Elijah]

Hello Katey,

I do not mind you asking questions at all and I appreciate your thoughts.

I feel selfish because maybe I am taking my wants into account more than I should be. Maybe I am thinking more about myself instead of how my decision will affect my family. If I choose to not return to my community it will be felt as a death to them.

I feel unworthy of having such an enormous choice to make, which in my parents an Elder's eyes will strongly impact how my younger siblings decide.

In my community whenever there is a death, illness the community and family pull even closer together. It is not something discussed more only what happens. Everyone knows what is needed and gets to helping. If something happened to my father my family would be provided for. It would upset me greatly to not be a part in a time of need.

As I have partaken in this outside new world I encounter lots of people with different beliefs than those I was raised in. I do not judge them for their beliefs. I do my best to not judge anyone. I try to understand why they feel or think a certain way other than what I am use to. I accept that they believe differently because of how they were raised an the choices they have made. What I have learned as a mind being clouded or a heart stolen does not translate into the outside new world often.

Almost 2 years ago when I began partaking in this new world it was exceptionally stressful. It appeared every time I turned around I encountered major differences. It took me a while to learn being a part of a new world also means I must open myself up to not only experiencing this way of doing things but also attempting to understand the why it is. It is not an easy undertaking. I think I have come a long way in this regard. All the glorious places I have been and items I have partaken in I think help me. I am happy you liked reading about them. It was difficult to know what to include in my writing and what not to. I have experienced a great deal more. I wanted to attempt to get anyone that was trying to offer me help here to understand how basic banalities to them were experiences of grand for me.

The psychologist listened and asked many questions. He felt I do have some anxiety issues that should be looked into further. He told me of some breathing exercises he could show me how to do. He also had other ideas of how to cope when I become overwhelmed. He thought I could benefit from speaking with him or someone else regularly during this turbulent time. He offered to see me free of charge so, that I may continue to use my funds to keep exploring. He also advised me to undergo a full medical "work up". I went to see a friend of his before visiting my parents yesterday. Wow, what an experience that was. I went to a Planned Parenthood, I am not sure how graphic I may be here and will leave that experience out. I did leave confused. Impure thoughts were abundant.

I visited with my parents and I am sad over disappointing them. When I told them about the psychologist needing their signature to continue to speak with me their disappointment grew. They believe I am leaning towards the wrong choice based on excitement luxuries. They took my request for signing the form under advisement with the Elders.

I enjoyed my visit being back with family and within everything I understand. I left with a signed form and much regret. I had brought with me many photographs to share with family and friends. Photographs are highly frowned upon within my community. I thought they would like to see everything I have partaken in. Experience the happiness of these times but they did not.

The psychologist's homework was 2 fold. 1 was to make a photo album or scrapbook of all these photographs. I am not sure what the difference of a photo album and a scrapbook are. I should have asked for clarification. The second assignment was to write out all the times from youngin till now that I remember experiencing anxiety. Write the relative times, places and what feelings I had. Also on another sheet of paper make 3 columns. Column 1 list all the items and places I have experienced that stand out the most in my mind. Column 2 would be all that is in column 1 that I would truly miss leaving behind. Column 3 would be all the things I might like to do if I chose to not return.

I am to bring my completed homework for Tuesday's appointment. He told me he is looking forward to seeing my photographs. I am looking forward to showing them to someone that might enjoy them as much as I have.

[Elijah]

Hello SomethingOrOther,

I apologize that I somehow missed your thoughts while I was replying earlier.

I think it could be that others have anger with their parents regarding needing to make such a decision. I think it is a feeling that must come later.

There are several feelings in general that are not within the Amish community. Everyone has feelings but growing up learning how some feelings are not feelings kind of like they are more possible reasons understandings of greater exploration or purpose. I think most of us that need to make this type of decision realize our parents beliefs are only that, their beliefs.

One of the largest reasons for Rumspringa is to decide what you as an adult believe in. Taking into account your learnings trying them out. It is hard knowing what you might choose goes against everything you have been taught. My community or parents would not think less of me for my choice. They would accept my decision but be held to their own beliefs and costumed response. I would need to respect that as they my decision.

Here on the outside I suppose in some ways it could be like a Jewish person's family expecting them to marry within their faith. Homosexuals fighting for equality rights afforded heterosexuals.

[Katey]

..........

[brodman]

Elijah

This is an opinion however your parents sound like selfish dopes. They live like its 1860 expecting you to also. You should stand up for yourself let them know how stupid they are. You are excited by all these things you write about because you were brainwashed into not getting access to any of it. Do you see how ignorant it sounds talking about tacos and going to see a movie? If you don't return then your own family and community shuns you? You should run the hell away from these brainwashing people. If they cared about loved you they wouldn't make you decide to be apart of the real world in exchange for losing your family. A real family would accept you for whatever the hell you wanted to do. It's a good thing you found a shrink you need a lot of help becoming unbrainwashed. You have unpure thoughts from looking at some lady over at a college doesnt that tell you how twisted your families beliefs are? Guys are supposed to check out females unless you are gay. You mentioned watching porn did you have unpure thoughts then? I fucking bet you did WHY? That's what guys do. If you return to your dopey brainwashing parents are they going to tell you who you can marry and when to have sex? I think you need to grow up be a man with some integrity and a mind of his own.

[Elijah]

Wow, I am not sure how to respond to your post Brodman. I understand these are your opinions and you are entitled to them however, I can not help feeling belittled.

I will attempt to reply another time.

Elijah

[spiritual_emergency]

Well, that was an interesting culture clash.

I've enjoyed reading your thread Elijah. I think you are handling your situation with great maturity. Meantime, in that list of items you might create for the psychologist you are seeing, perhaps it would be worth reflecting somewhat on the things of "this world" that are not as grand and wondrous as some of the things you have experienced. In fact, there may well be many people in "this world" who long for the simplicity and steadyness of the world you came from. Both have their beauty and both have their difficulties as well. One thing is sure, you will not lack for beauty or difficulties no matter what "world" you choose in the end.

~ Namaste

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I agree with spiritual emergency and I might add that it's very understandable you feel insulted by a post that calls you a mindless dope without integrity. I'm not sure there is a better reply to that than saying you felt belittled, because in my opinion a good discussion requires consideration on both sides.