Frozen

[malign]

It's actually remarkably difficult to force me either into or out of a conversation, DM. That's part of why they made me an admin. That, and I'm pretty much here, regardless, and rarely completely silent. As for my sense of propriety ... ;-)

Okay, so someone got angry at you. You'd have a hard time saying you weren't angry, yourself, so how did one get to be a thug and the other a monster? You could just be two people who disagree. I'm even tempted to wonder whether you give up that easily everywhere.

Did you notice that, in your list, you managed to insult everyone who spoke to you in this thread, whether helpful or not? If you tar everyone with the same brush, soon you're surrounded by ... tarry people.

Luckily, I brought my bucket of solvent, because I had some idea it would come in handy. So, if you feel like talking, you know where to find me.

[IrmaJean]

Deadman, I am still here as well. I still would like to support you. I joined in conversing with you because I care and I wanted to help. I don't chase off easily. Still here.

[Guest deadman]

end of participation

[malign]

DM, I think you did an incredible job of explaining why you reacted the way you did, and possibly even why you have the outlook that you do.

The only thing is, if you flee from every example of anger you ever see from others, while indulging your own freely, you're going to have to go pretty far from other humans, because I'm afraid anger is a natural human emotion.

I could wish that you had never seen any, here, but you did bring some. I hope that the outcome of that might be that you and Luna agree to disagree, and that we can continue to talk.

I really would rather you didn't slink away, nor was I trying to make you eat anything. Just ... trying to keep you from abandoning all hope. I do believe that you are learning to moderate the flight reaction. I know, because for one thing, you came back. I also know we've met before, though I'll let you be, on that one.

Would you be willing to resume our conversation?

[malign]

I also wanted to point out that the discovery that the humans here get angry, too, speaks directly against the idea that this is all a "bury your head in the sand" kind of place. Humanity happens here, and I'm afraid sometimes it's going to happen to you.

But I would point out that other forms of humanity are also happening, such as 'IrmaJean's contributions, or 'finding my way's, or even my own ...

Can you accept that your fellow humans are a bundle of contradictions, just like you are?

[Athena]

Hi DM,

I have come to this thread late because somebody mentioned it in another thread and sounded concerned about you. You have deleted all but a few of your posts. From the few I read, it appears you have been persecuted and violated by people who are supposed to protect their citizens. Correct me if I'm wrong but is that what your rage stems from?

I have my own persecution issues, not as bad as yours, but I feel like my own country's marital laws condone slavery, particularly when it comes to me and my "would like to live off you forever ex-husband." I was actually thinking about this today, which I realized later was Martin Luther King day. A year ago to this day, I wrote out a poem about how enslaved and persecuted I felt. I felt that my freedom to do what I wished with my life was going to be forever taken away. And that got me onto the "I don't have to live with this S--T" mindset, which I then shortened to "I don't have to live", and I just spiraled down from there and sometimes I think I have hit bottom and am climbing my way out of the hell-hole then I slide back in when more threats of a LIFE OF NEVERENDING SLAVERY get thrown at me.

Sorry if I'm way off your issue here, but in case I got it right, I just wanted to say I empathize with you and nobody should be persecuted/violated/beaten up literally or figuratively by people who SHOULD be protecting those of us who actually give a damn about having a civilized society.

[sensitive_woman]

I have a possible solution to deadman's issues to ease off his anger and loosen him up a bit.

DM, I admire your guts to come back to the forum and explain. Its good for your own healing. If I were you, I'd invest in a punching bag dangling from the wall. Each time you feel like you have been wronged and get angry in your interactions with people, don't keep it bottled up. Use the punching bag till you feel calmer and trust me, you will feel much much better. I'm sorry if this solution angers you again, but trust me it really works. Try it!

Please remember that IrmaJean, Malign and all of us who respond are only trying to help.

[Luna-]

Deadman,

10. (Almost forgot!) Once you've run a monster off, change your posts so you can pretend you did not run him off and that you were not really offensive in pointing out the monster's offenses.

In good faith, I’m quite happy to supply you with full disclosure. Since I compose posts offline, I can give you, in entirety, the words that I edited out of my posts and replaced with other text (which must’ve occurred after you first read them). I’m fine with putting them here, editing wasn’t a retraction.

Those who have spoken to you have endeavoured to help out of kindness. You've snarled at it. What do you expect us to do?

If you want solutions to your problems and step-by-step answers, you won't find them here. You'll have to look further afield and perhaps try and be a little less aggressive with others. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

You have misunderstood several things I said, but I am not here to debate points with you.

Please also know that I spoke my own mind. Malign and IrmaJean do not need or want me to act on their behalf. There's no conspiracy.

--- ---

I’ve had my say. I stand by everything I said. You’ve had your say and I presume you do too. (If you have anything you wish to add, please feel free to do so.) It seems safe to say that we don’t agree. I’m cool with agreeing to disagree. As I said previously, I don’t wish you any ill. I merely spoke my mind.

[IrmaJean]

Deadman, I'm very sorry about what happened to you and your family. That must have been devastating and painful for you. Clearly it still is...To think such acts were committed by those who are supposed to protect us...this must have been disheartening, to say the very least. This is a betrayal of trust and the sense of right and wrong. I'm sorry you were hurt.

I have not been insulted by anything which you've written, DM, nor do I think you're a jerk. Any of us can be triggered and become angry, say and do things we might regret later. We're all human and imperfect. I have my weaknesses as well. One strength that I do have is a caring, loving spirit. I try to give power to that.

DM, you are very aware, intelligent and insightful. These are strengths that are very advantageous to have. I do hope you will continue to talk with us. I'm here and I'm listening.

[finding my way]

There are many here that suffer from highly dangerous levels of abuse. Such experiences can leave you so far from parts of yourself that it can seem impossible to ever pull back together again. There are the voices inside the head, the triggers that put you right back in the event, sometimes halucinations, there is the increasing alienation from everyone around you and the spiraling isolation with just you and this trauma.

I am very sorry for your pain, deadman, and for the events that happened to you. Some find hope in talking about what happened, sorting out triggers and what to do about them, being around others that can understand, sometimes helping out others in their pain, and in all that, slowly making their way back to the wounded parts to heal.

You are not a monster. You hurt.

[chatterbox512]

Hey DM,

I can only imagine the pain you feel every day as you struggle to deal with such a scene that plays over and over in your head. It really sucks to have flashbacks and to feel completely out of control as you did at the moment it happened. Not to mention the emotional devastation it has taken on you over the years. That being said, these posts that explain why you feel certain ways help us see who you are. And the kind wonderful person that you are under all that anger. I am here for you, please keep talking. Anger is not a good thing to harbor and needs to come out somewhere. I don't imagine you have a punching bag at home that you could go and beat the tar (or stuffing) out of so that some of that anger is released? Not saying that you have to just saying it might be helpful to have something physical to take it out on while you talk to us and we listen.

You are not a monster, I never thought that, I see someone who is hurting so badly he doesn't know any way out of it right now, and is struggling just to survive. What can I do? You are welcome to PM me anytime.

[Guest deadman]

end of participation

[Luna-]

Deadman

I'm sorry I triggered those ghastly memories for you; that was never my intention. Nor was I wanting to chase you away. This isn't going to play out like the torture. I'm glad you're still here and willing to keep talking.

Edit to add: You have my respect for what you just wrote.

[chatterbox512]

DM

I am soo sorry, I totally forgot about your injuries that you have sustained over the years, had I remembered I would not have mentioned the punching bag.

You really have a way with making your words speak volumes about the pain you have endured, have you thought about writing a book about your experiences? You really have away of drawing people into the reality of your story and entices me (at least) to keep reading. Your experieces could be a major benefit to others who have gone through similar situations. Not to mention it would help you feel like you are making a difference and if it sells, make you some good money. (I would purchase your book). Just a thought.

I hear that you are struggling, and I wish I could give you more to hang onto. To endure the constant pain all in its own is enough for one to deal with and then add on anger and flash backs and series of other events that add to that, I can see how death could seem like a logical way out. But believe me, you can do more being alive, it is just a matter of figureing out what. You have many things that hinder your ability to do things, but don't make it impossible. What do you think about the idea of writing a book? It could prove to be very theraputic also. {{{{HUGS}}}} {{{HUGS}}}} Thought you could use a hug!!

[IrmaJean]

DM, I hope that you can offer yourself some kindness and understanding. You're a human being who is hurting. You are not a monster. I would want to know more of your story and get to know you better. This information doesn't overwhelm...it helps us to understand more about your struggle so that hopefully we may better support you. I think it's great that you're trying to find a balance here in the community.

It sounds like you have been exposed to a lot of negligent medical care and are in a great deal of physical pain. I do hope you have some means of alleviating the pain, if even only temporarily. Constant pain would understandably make anyone frustrated, irritable and sad. Have doctors suggested anything that might be helpful? Do you also have severe side effects from pain-relievers? I'm sorry you are in pain.

Again' date=' as irrational as it sounds, when people suggest I do things that I sincerely want to do and have tried time and time again to manage and failed, it is like a finger in the eye. Perhaps someone here can explain why this brings out the monster in me.[/quote']

Having emotions, feeling anger and expressing your anger does not equate with being a monster. It equates with being human. I think your response under these circumstances make perfect sense. It is something you want very much and reminders of this are painful when you have been unable to do what you want. Anger is often a secondary emotion that covers other emotions which may be too painful to confront, such as sadness...

I know you've mentioned that you are financially strapped at this time. I'm not sure where you are from, but there may be insurance programs that offer some medical coverage for those who can't afford it. There are in my home state. If you could find the means, there could be available exercise programs (occupational/physical therapy) that might improve your physical condition.

In the meantime, maybe there are some ways to ease some of the pressure you've been feeling that don't involve much physical activity? Have you tried journaling, writing down your feelings? Expressing your frustration through writing? What of simulated games? Would this also be frustrating or painful for you, though? Do you like animals? Have a pet? Caring for another living creature can offer some motivation and build a sense of accomplishment. Do you enjoy reading? Have any interests? Sports you enjoy watching?

Those are just some things that popped in my mind. Feel free to toss them aside if they don't fit. Wishing you serenity today, DM.

[58corvette]

I to am glad you are still here & posting; As you, I & many others continue to Battle our own Personal Demons & Situations.

The Best To You.

[Guest deadman]

end of participation

[IrmaJean]

I mostly see myself as a monster because I do not fit.

I have felt this at times too (that I don't belong)' date=' but I discovered that it was a cognitive distortion. Have you tried challenging your belief? In what ways do you not fit?

People seem irrational and do insane and destructive things and appear to think nothing of it.

This can certainly be true at times. I agree that it's discouraging and sad. People can also be gracious and kind, though. Just today my youngest wanted to go over to a friend's house to play. School had been canceled at the last minute due to the day before snow/ice storm, but the roads looked okay so I agreed. After I dropped her off, I pushed the gas pedal and tried to go up the hill in the driveway. Not happening. Slipping and sliding, burning tires...I put the car in park, intending to go back in the house to ask for help. The car slipped back. I was stuck. Couldn't get up the hill. Couldn't get out to ask for help. From across the street came a middle age woman...clearly in her 60's...offering her assistance. She brought me some tire grippers. No dice. She ran in the house and got cardboard. Didn't work. She went in the back of her house and brought back a pile of sticks to put under the tires. She even offered me her car to use! Eventually (about 30 minutes later) with her help and the help of a mail delivery man who physically pushed me up the hill, I got out. There are good and kind people in the world too, DM.

Is it possible that a person can be so damaged that he is irredeemable or unrepairable?

Your being hurt at the hands of others does not make you less valuable or worthy as a human being. You deserve compassion and understanding. If you keep thinking of yourself as a "monster" you'll reinforce the bad feelings that you've been having about yourself. What are some things that you do well?

I think it's great that you're venturing around the board and trying to support others. This could be helpful in getting some positive energy flowing.

[Athena]

Hi DM,

Glad you came back to us. Somebody just recommended I drop the label I have for myself. I think it's a good idea because it does not conjure up very helpful images for me. Would you consider dropping the label, "Monster" and replacing it with something more empowering? Same goes for your internet name. I certainly do not live up to mine but it is at least something that I strive for. I'm sure the moderators here would allow the change, if it would help put you in a better frame of mind. Metaphors and images have a massive amount of power over us. I sometimes carry around a piece of the Berlin wall. For me, it is a very powerful metaphor for freedom and it gives me hope. The stage may have been set, but it was mainly the result of one man saying "No, I will not shoot." Maybe try finding a metaphor that works for you. (I think there may have been a recently posted article on Metaphors in the main section of this website, I keep meaning to read it.)

And yes, I think there is more evil and oppression and corruption in the world today, but that could simply be because there are more people. I would also argue that there is more good and generosity and kindness in the world now too, based on the same fact. There is simply MORE of both, however the negative is shoved in our faces more often. I have had daily newspaper delivery to my home since I got out of University 25 years ago. I cancelled it in the summer because the bad news was triggering me. I was cutting out every article on abuse against women that I came across. I wrote songs about it. It kept me awake at night. I even called one of the victims whose situation reminded me of my own. And some day it may be useful information for a documentary, or "fifth estate" investigation, but I wasn't in any frame of mind to spearhead that just yet, so I just had to stop reading the bad stuff and force myself to read more empowering things. It has helped. The anger is not quite so all encompassing. People are no longer recoiling from me like a shock wave just hit them.

Anyway, hope some of this helps.

[CantGiveItAway]

Dm,

I learned very quickly not to jump to conclusions or judge someone by one post they make. Noone thinks youre a monster. The more you talk the more people can help you.

[sensitive_woman]

Deadman,

You have this ability to express yourself so wonderfully. I'm not sure if you know it already or if someone has told you that but you really write very beautifully yes, despite wanting to appear difficult to decipher or angry outbursts shown earlier.

I'm sorry for suggesting more physical activity esp. the punching bag. But honestly the way you explained and expressed yourself is just too fabulous!

Have you considered writing all this down and compiling an autobiography or even a novel and find a publisher? You could mint millions! Highly creative people like you, don't even need a job. I just think that you are a wonderful human being.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I wanted to become a writer for a while. Then I realised that I would have to remember the characters and storylines I made up for a rather long time and with my memory, I couldn't be a good writer.

I think if you decide to write it up, it's important you do it for yourself and not for "people", because it's only good if you find the experience healing and not if you endure it for the hope to make a change in others.

From a bookselling point of view I think you're right, you have a problem with point 5. You need some hope. The world can't stay an evil, irrational place until you die. There must be a place in this world for you.

[Guest ASchwartz]

DM,

I am very pleased that you have returned. I agree that you right very beautifully. You know, without being critical, I can't help thinking that a better name for you might be "Liveman." Anyway, just wanted to say that in the most positive way possible and I have NO Problem with your choice of DM.

I know what you mean about reading. It is a wonderful way to escape and provides great pleasure.

By the way, I am sure that you are Not a monster. Also, regardless of what happened to you in the past, yes, anyone can be redeamed. I doubt that you need redemption but that what you need is Healing.

What do you think?

Allan

[Guest deadman]

end of participation

[malign]

DM,

The world is a dangerous place. It's fatal. No exceptions.

I do see that repeated trauma is harder to deal with, harder to incorporate in a healthy worldview, and harder to learn to trust again.

What I wonder is, do you feel as if the ability to recover from one's traumas would mean that the traumas are somehow "less" than if one is unable to recover?

How do you do "all" of any large job? You take it apart, and then take it apart again, until you have individual steps that you can do ...