dad is gone, so is niece

[true-hope]

My dad passed away just before Christmas and I feel as though my little brother and I are the only ones in pain because of it.

My brother's newborn daughter was born and died a few weeks after dad died.

I feel soooooooo awful for him. I would do anything to be able to take the pain away for him.

The thing that bothers me the most about dad passing away is that he was only 66 and he didn't need to die. It was his doctor's fault. I have a lawyer on it, but I don't know...I don't want money...I want my dad back and I want people to know that his doctor was a quack.

My dad was having stomach issues. He saw his doctor several times and told him that he couldn't control him bowels. The doctor told him that he would deal with his bowel problems once he checked into a nursing home. A nursing home at 66!!

So dad was in so much anguish that he asked the doc to fill out the forms to get him into said nursing home. The doc filled them out and said on the forms that there was nothing wrong with my dad...so of course they rejected him.

What I want to know is...if there was nothing wrong with him then why did he have him on so many pills and why did dad die?

His bowels blew up and he died of toxemia.

Here comes the worst part...

My dad was flown into the city by STARS, which means it's bad...

When I arrived at the hospital I couldn't believe it was my dad. He was all bruised looking, black holes in his skin, it was terrible.

My dad had made me his Power of Attorney just a few weeks before.

The doctors in the city sent me home to get the living will papers.

When I returned, this stupid piece of S**t woman that was supposed to be a professional (an intern) stood by the bed side and right in front of my dad said in a loud, booming voice "oh, you here to make your dad dead"!!

My dad turned his head towards me and his look is forever burned into my brain. I will never, EVER, forget that look!!! I hate that stupid COW!!!!

They tried to get that stupid piece of S**t out of the room but she didn't take a hint. The wonderful young nurse that had been watching my dad took the stupid cow by the arm and dragged her out of the room.

They took me into another room with some pastors and stuff standing there, and the head chief tried to convince me that my dad was in a coma and that he didn't even know I was there....ya right! When I got back the nurse had asked my dad who I was...he had looked over at me and said in a forced breath "my baby girl"!!! Have you EVER seen a person in a coma before? I have! That guy didn't move, he didn't talk, he didn't reply...so how in heck could my dad, who was supposed to be in a coma, respond?

The only thing that kinda worked out since then is that before his sudden death he had signed his farm over to me. My brother has muscular dystrophy and is on AISH, so he couldn't have his name on it. However, he was going to add me to his mortgage the day he died...so now I have a farm that I can't get a mortgage on because I'm already up to my armpits in debt and stuff.

Then his ex calls me and starts in on me. She says that her daughter is the real executor of the will...thank God I remembered to tell my lawyer that my dad had burned his will (which in this country makes it null and void...which I had no idea of until I told me lawyer why we couldn't find his will).

My dad had made out a new will 3 weeks before he died but the commissioner of oaths failed to mention to him that he needed 2 witness signatures and not one...so that makes this will null and void as well.

My dad had made a legal separation paper with his ex and she had signed off on the dower rights as well, but unfortunately he forgot to call his ex employer and tell them that he didn't want her to have a thing...so we get stuck with the bills and she gets the pension and life insurance...which said employer told me there was none to be had, but called me a few days ago to say that there was indeed said fortunes and then proceeded to rub it in that his ex was getting it all...I called my lawyer and told him to call there because they said the conversation was recorded...and I hope it was because that woman's voice was full of nastiness. She almost sounded like she was bragging that his ex was getting it all. Then she asked me where to find her!

I have no idea. She walked out on my dad years ago and I never liked here anyway...not like we ever called each other or wrote each other. Ok, I feel a little better now I guess.

Sorry for such a long post, but I suffer from anxiety, depression, and ADHD and just need to find some release.

[chatterbox512]

Wow true-hope

It sounds like you have been through alot the last several weeks. From what it sounds like you have every reason to believe that your dad's dr was at fault. He should have done more tests (or any) and had he done that it is quite possible that something simple could have been done to keep your father 'running' smoothly. I am soo sorry for your loss, it is difficult when someone leaves our lives so suddenly and without proper reason, much less two and one who had bearly begun her life. Please make sure you allow yourself time to grieve, and talk about what you remember!!

[true-hope]

Wow true-hope

Please make sure you allow yourself time to grieve, and talk about what you remember!!

Thanks, but I'm not allowed to grieve...

My bf was allowed 7 years to wallow in pity when his gf left him, but I'm not allowed 5 minutes to cry for my losses.

He constantly gets mad at me for a dirty house, and tells me that I'm ugly when I cry. Can I help it if I'm depressed? Are these deaths MY fault? No, they aren't, but he acts as if they are. He's mad because the funeral cost him,as he had to take time off of work,he missed band practice,etc. It's always all about him...but I guess this isn't the forum to talk about HIS issues.

My dad's passing isn't the worst loss of my life...my mom's mom was the worst. She was the first to die...and the only one I ever felt truly loved me.

It's been 20+ years since she passed away, but the pain is still fresh. I just can't seem to let go of her. I miss her every single day. I know it's because she was the only one to ever show me true love...and that's what makes it so much harder.

Why can't I just let go?

I try to let go, but then I find myself trying to figure out her chicken noodle soup recipe...what gave it that great flavor? And then the tears start all over again...

You would think that after this many years I would be able to let go...

Is this normal, or am I just some kind of hard case?

I feel guilty about an incident that happened many years before her death, and perhaps that's why I can't let go. I never got to say sorry.

It happened when I was around 11. My mom got sick and was in hospital. Her mom came to stay with us and to take care of us. It was great having her there.

I was in Pioneer Girls at the time...much like Guides but with a religious twist. My grandmother came with me to a special tea that we had prepared for a mother/daughter night, and it was my job to introduce her to the other women and girls. Suddenly I became embarrassed, (she was German and had a very strong accent) because one of the women couldn't understand her. I went home that night with a resentment building up.

I resented being German/French, I resented the fact that my mom was supposed to be there, and I resented the fact that my grandmother had a strong accent and embarrassed me.

I dreaded going back to meetings.

I've never told ANYONE this before...and I'm not sure if she knew how I felt that night...all she said when we got home was " I know it was hard tonight because it was supposed to be a mother/daughter night and your mom is in hospital." Not her exact words, but close to it.

I'm sooooo sure she knew, and it hurts that I never told her the truth.

I've looked to the skies and asked her to forgive me, but if she hears me and knows...guess that depends...

Thank you for listening.

[randomperson]

You are allowed to grieve. Sounds like your BF is being a bit..no change that totally selfish.

..I never understand how men who treat women so badly don't understand what they have and straighten up. Or why it is so hard for other guys like myself (who would never do things like that) to find love.

You have been through a lot. Take the time to grieve whatever however you need. Whatever makes you feel better, more at peace. Each person is different. For me it is talking out the pain that helps.

I know people well enough. I can tell your mother knew you loved her deeply.

These are things your BF should be telling you instead of calling you ugly for crying right after your father passed. Sorry people like that have hurt too many that I care for, too deeply.

Kind of a sore spot for me.

[sadgreeneyes]

I´m so sorry for you loss true-hope, I know so well how you feel as I lost my brother (suicide) and my mother in kinda same situation you lost your father, if the stab/nurses looked after my mother more than they did they would have taken her to the doctor to find out why she was so bad in the stomach and why she had heavy breathing, I was concerned ONE year ahead, afraid she needed a doc,but trusted the nurses they took care of her,she was in care for the mentally disordered, if they took her to the doc in time they may could have open her artery, save her life, she died of broken vein. But maybe it was her time to go. Her illness was very sad, I am sure she was in emotional pain even her schizophrena,I could feel it, know it. I feel guilty for a very bad thing I said to my brother before he died ( but I was only 13, a kid only) and guilty for not seeing my mother more than I did, but true-hope, we feel guilty but your grandmother and my mother they are at peace, also your father and my brother and if they could see us, which they even might do...who knows, they would never have any grudge against us, they loved us and we loved them and you have EVERY right to grieve, how dare your bf call you ugly when crying after your dad passed. Shame on him! Like my father who told me to shut my mouth after my mother died and my grandmother saying are you still talking about your mother, she wasnt even buried! Shame on them! All this is abusive language. Is this the first time he has been abusive? because it is abusive the way he talk to you, you dont deserve it. Nothing is your fault, you need care and support, I hope your bf will come to understand this, also I hope things will be ok with the mortage and things. Not sure my post has any help,but I felt we had much in common,so I can really relate to you.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi True-hope,

What do you mean, you are not allowed to grieve because of your boyfriend? That is absolutely outrageous and unacceptable. It even verges on abuse. In my opinion, you need to a new boyfriend, someone who is warm, empathetic and understanding. You need to grieve. In fact, you Must grieve.

Is this just me or do others share my concerns and reactions to this?

Allan

[true-hope]

Hi True-hope,

What do you mean, you are not allowed to grieve because of your boyfriend? That is absolutely outrageous and unacceptable. It even verges on abuse. In my opinion, you need to a new boyfriend, someone who is warm, empathetic and understanding. You need to grieve. In fact, you Must grieve.

Is this just me or do others share my concerns and reactions to this?

Allan

Yes, it is abuse...I posted in another area on how he treats me...

I was supposed to start going to al-anon last night, but he came home and started drinking right away...even though he had promised he would stay sober for that one hour that I would be gone.

If I could win the lottery I would be gone right now.

Everything is under my name and there is no way I can afford any of it by myself...house, business, cc's, phone, etc. He knows this...so I'm stuck...social services won't help...can't work full time as daycare would cost as much or more than what I could make etc. As I said on another area...it would be so much easier if my toddler were in school. I never should have had another baby...my other ones are all grown up. Dang! I'm so stupid sometimes...or most times. lol

I thank you all for your support. Just knowing others are out there and could give me a hug if they could makes me feel so much better.

Maybe I'll find "Mr. Right For Me" out there some day...and life will be good.

Perhaps some day I'll learn to let go of the past as well...but until then...life goes on in it's complicated manor.

[randomperson]

I feel for you.. I truly do. This is what happened to my mother.

I grew up in the life you are living now. Wanting out but not able to afford it and also scared if you do try to leave what he will do. Plus you grow attached.

I know what you mean when you say there is no easy out.

Keep talking. It helps. Maybe we can help find solutions for you.

You do not have to live in abuse. They try to trap you mentally into thinking this. They try to isolate you from family and friends.

I stopped the violence my step father did to my mother. Got my ex GF to leave her baby's father who was just starting to beat her. You can escape the violence with planning, time, and support. It seems there is no way out but there is hope.

[true-hope]

Thank you randomperson. That is the sweetest thing that anyone has said to me in a very long time. I guess there really ARE nice people out there.

I'm an extremely empathic person and it's very rare for me to find other people that show empathy/sympathy.

Because I AM this way, it's very hard for me to understand how others can't be.

No one in my life(other than my oldest son) has shown me any kind of support in ages. He suffers from depression/anxiety (as does my entire family) and to receive help or kind words from him are rare and very much heartfelt and appreciated.

The only thing that keeps me hanging on are my children. My oldest one had enough of the crap a few days ago and he moved out...was very sad. I cried silently in the bathroom and longed for him to be small again, so that I could hold him in my arms, to protect and comfort him.

My crazy bf stood there and asked him when he would be back this way with some money for his share of the power/gas bill.

How can people be so insensitive? Why is it always about them? What's going to happen when his folks die? I have no idea, as I don't plan on being here to help him with his grief...I would be too tempted to treat him as he is treating me. I'm not a vengeful type, but...you can only handle the abuse so long before you snap and do unto others as they have done unto you.

Thanx again for your kind words.

[randomperson]

We are here for your support.

Domestic Violence support is very limited especially when it comes to emotional support... I know, but they can get you on the right path when you are ready.

You do not have to put up with it. Too many decent men like myself that are all alone to put up with abusive jerks. They feed off of control.

As I said it is a touchy subject for me. Abuse effects in the entire family even if he doesn't lay a hand on your children. First thing you need to find someone that will listen to you, truly listen to you. Maybe a friend one that you can trust that will not go back to him.. maybe if no one else the local domestic violence shelters.

..and I know it isn't easy. I lived the life you are in.. I know.

Not everyone is like him. Over everything be careful and take care of yourself. Abusive people are unstable and tend to monitor and control everything.

Let your children know none of the problems you are facing are their fault and that they are good kids. It ate at me seeing her beat and not being able to stop it. I tried to be perfect and super submissive but nothing changed. It was like a tea pot. The pressure would build.. violence would build up until it reached a breaking point.. he would do something really crazy.. she would nearly leave.. he would act like things would change and the cycle would start over getting worse each time.

I know you have to be ready emotionally before anything changes and that takes time. But use this site to help you. Talk to us anytime you need it.

He is not right to treat you the way he is. We all deserve to be loved and to know we are worth loving.