Would'nt ya know it

[Lindamomof7]

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[Sherzade]

Someone was just talking about mirroring in another thread and I thought that although I do not know you, you also do not seem to get enough… I wouldn’t say mirroring, but… recognition for the good that you are.

I imagine different people, each looking at their own selves (as you described previously), but no one really able to look at the other and go: ah! You look lost in your thoughts today. Or: what a nice smile. Did you sleep well last night? , or whatever people see when they look at one another.

So I want to tell you some of what I see, because that helped me and I am still processing the impact this had on me. In my moment of narcissistic deep hurt, which usually sounds/is selfish and totally egocentric and destructive (yes, I want to hurt and kill people) you came from your own private hurt and offered me your attention and pacience. I finally came out of my own world, read about you and understood the depth of your situation. I read some posts here and there and in all of them you were a true gentleman, which is the attitude you seem to adopt in life.

That’s what I see in you. A gentleman, an ethical man, a man of values. It may sound outdated but I do appreciate this quality very much. My life made me bitter, resentful, frustrated, arrogant at times. No, I am not a lady. But I would like to be. You preserved your kindness in such challenging situations and I do respect you. I will learn from you. And I thank you for the wake up call.

Holding on to hope Jim. For you and your loved son.

[Lindamomof7]

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[58corvette]

Thank You So Much For Your KIND, Understanding Words & Feelings. That does mean a lot to me.

If I have had any impact in a Positive way with all three of you (that is a Plus); Believe me all of you have had a Mutual (Positive) Impact on me.

Sherzade I am sure you are Quite the Lady. You have shown that to me.

Linda you have always been here for me & Real.

Random You to have always been here for me & as I said; Always A Gentleman.

You also mentioned the Movie "Ghost"; the word "Ditto" & knowing there was Love.

As I mentioned Earlier, My Dad never could say "I Love You"; but as he grew older he Never Had To; I Just Knew He Did.

Thanx Again.

The Best To All Of You

Sincerely; Jim

[Lindamomof7]

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[Sherzade]

I am feeling love and i love it.

[58corvette]

A few days ago my Son & I visited a Friend (& Former Boss & Supervisor) of my Son's in the Hospital. He has had many Physical Major Conditions through the years. He is a few years younger than me so we can relate to many issues & both enjoy Chattting about Sports.

He almost passed away & lost quite a bit of blood. We both discussed many Issues & how Important BALANCE is in Life. He is recovering & I believe our visit Helped Him.

Yesterday My Son had another Issue with management here as he tries to get his Life Pieced back together. He mentioned to me & I explained to him for now he needs to Maintain the Peace as we have no Alternative for Housing. He brought other Issues into it that involved me & what I would have done.

I got a Little Defensive but at the Same Time Assertive & explained to him that his Memory of Things & Situations was'nt quite Accurate. Anyway tomake a long story short as he was able to Calm Down & Reflect; He realised his Anger & Frustration was a bit misdirected toward me.

He Apoligised. As I explained to him I Truly am sorry about his Car; And I only hope he continues to get better. I also explained that I have Used up & lost nearly all my Retirement Now Helping his Mom, Brother & especially him get through some very difficult times over the past year.

He understood. Yet here I am with nothing much left to show for it Myself. With my own Pending Car Situation, Taxes, No Job yet & or future place to Live. So both of us Continue to have a Lot on the Line & much on our Plate; Both Collectively & Individually.

Many times it is so much easier Helping, figuring out or understanding other People & their Lives than our own. I know for me it is. BALANCE, BALANCE, BALANCE.

So I will Continue this Post & it's Journey as long as I can & wherever it takes me. :confused:

[randomperson]

You mentioned you have nothing to show, but look at everything you have accomplished lately. Re read your last post. Your son was on the verge of falling deeply into negative patterns. You stopped it and got him back on the right path again. Do you know how difficult that is for anyone to do in that same situation?

It takes truly listening, understanding, inner growth and reasoning.

The accomplishment is amazing and says so much positive things about

you, your son and your relationship.

You have kept me from backsliding several times now..

You mention how I have made huge positive strides.

You have as well

I know it is not the same as getting a job or taking away the problems that seem to be everywhere. But you should be very proud of yourself right now.

[58corvette]

Thanx Random; I do Truly Hope Something Positive comes out of all of this for My Son & Myself.

The Best To You & Thanx Again!!!

Sincerely; Jim

[Lindamomof7]

Yes with everyones help, there can and will be positive stuff that will happen to us.... But most of all it is everyone here who reminds us that there is positive stuff. It can be so easy to overlook.

Hang in there, support is everywhere...

[Sherzade]

Limits are needed in relationships. I think that without limits people do not really know when they can stop. We do have to let others know what we are willing to tolerate and what we don't want to tolerate. You gave your son important information about your limits and he responded well to it.

I hope you keep being assertive, because that brings a lot of reassurance to oneself. It does to me :-)

Hope for you.

[58corvette]

Thank You Again Sherzade;

In this Instance it was Definitely Important I Asserted Myself with My Son in a Proper Manner. It Helped for sure. Many times I get so Confussed, Wrapped up or Lack of Self Esteem or Confidence I dont when I should with him.

He does have a tendency to Twist & Manipulate Certain things & it Bothers me when he does. Part of it is his Addiction Talking; Part of it his his own Personality & certain Traits of his Mom.

I know that's not always good to Mention & I am Far from Perfect Myself; but there are times I Need to Stand up for Myself & Put my Foot Down.

Thanx Again for you Intuitiveness. It is Appreciated.

Sincerely; Jim

[Lindamomof7]

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[58corvette]

Last Night & Quite Honestly the Last Few Days has been Very Difficult with My Son as he Continues to Deal with this Sickening Addiction.

I am still Trying My Very best to Remain Optimisstic as I Continue to Stay on This Site & a Few Others. Look & Send my Applications & Resume's for WORK & A JOB, Try to Help & give Advice to Others here on this Site & Seek Help & Advice from Others Myself.

I just Seem To Be STUCK in an Endless Cycle of False Hope & Getting NO WHERE. I have read a few other Post from others that have also been here for a bit as well & Man it is Some BAD Stuff. Believe me I feel Very Bad for Them as Well; but just as I know it is with my Own Situation; Sometimes you Just Feel You Cant Help Them Anymore or Give Them Any "MAGICAL" Words, Advice or Help that gets them Over The Hump & Into a Better Direction.

Last Night I was Up ALL NIGHT with My Son as he Continues His Addiction, De-Tox & Withdrawels. Finally Early This Morning I Told Him "Enough" with the Constant Running Of Hot Water, Smoking So Much & TV On. I needed to Sleep & Get Some Rest For MY OWN SANITY!!!

He is ok right now but it Wont Last I KNOW. But when the STUFF hits The Fan With Him Again & He gets Another Wake Up Call Next week (COURT); I Lose it even More. He is My Only Company in This D_ _N Hotel Room & My Life Right Now.

Yes I can see in so Many Ways where ALL Of This is Headed. I Hate It & Somehow need to Face It. Just Somehow Need To Remain Calm, Hopeful, Take things Day To Day & Keep Some Type Of "Balance & Normality" For Myself!!!

:confused: :eek:

[shanrucas]

Sometimes all you can do is just that..do what you can do to get through each moment. Many time you can't have advise in the situation here on the forum..all you can do is to offer support which is the best and what people need to hear.

Hoping you can get through it all....I know I am trying extra hard too.

Shannon

[58corvette]

I Know You Are DEAR SHANNON; & As Always Thank You So Much.

Back At Ya.

Sincerely; Jim

[Lindamomof7]

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[58corvette]

You are Right On the mark in everything you said & Suggested. For Me a Lot Changed When I Became A Single Parent. I think in Many ways it is So Much easier when There Are Two Parents Together that Have the Same Understanding on Children & Parenthood. Such As My Own Folks; It works So Much Better.

So For me much of it is My Own Need, Weakness & Vulnerbility to his Situation; & Yes he Utilises, & Abuses this Fact to it's Fullest. He has a way of going from One Need or Person To Another for Survival; Much Like My Ex Still Does.

Eventually; Hopefully & Maybe, Both of us will Learn The Hard Way when there are No Other Options or Resourses.

On A Side Note; When my Son was about your Sons Age & a Little Older He had Bought Wrecked & Destroyed Two Trans-Ams. His Mom allowed him to make Loan & Payments. I was against it. Believe he needed to Start as I did with Clunkers & Work up.

Now we both ended up with Clunkers & This Situation. So Ya it is Very Difficult Being A Parent; Especially when I cant Even Manage My Own Life Very Well At All Right Now.

Thanx Again for Your Input & Advise Linda; Always Appreciated.

I Hope all Goes Well & Better for You Yourself TODAY.

Sincerely; Jim

[shanrucas]

you are doing the best you can, just keep remembering that. He has to realize the need for help..in other words needs to meet you halp way...he may do that, sounds like he has made attempts on his own...but addiction usually has a very strong hold. Keep up the work.

I can't imagine being a parent,,,,right now its hard being the child.

[Lindamomof7]

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[Lindamomof7]

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[Athena]

Hi Jim,

I just wanted to see how you were doing. My thoughts were with you as end of January as come and gone, and you have survived well into February! I admire your spirit and will to live. More than I can say for myself and I am not in the dire straights you are in (although, somehow in my head, I manage to FEEL like I am because I will be heading in that direction if I don't play my cards right). I had not read most of this thread before now and it reminds me just how hard it is for me to keep up with everybody (took me a while to take it all in!) My mind has slowed down so much over the past couple of years. At least you still have a functioning brain after all you've been through:D!

I just thought I'd make some observations for what they're worth. I would agree with those who say you need to let your son suffer the consequences of his actions. I understand how hard it is to do that as a loving, caring parent. But the reality is, if you enable an adult child to continue on their path, they will not be able to give up their addictions. My brother is 65, addicted to food and the internet and has lived off his mother for much of his life. He has had no motivation to change because she was always there to bail him out. Now, with her moving into a nursing home, he is destitute with no place to live and very little purpose in life. My sister and I are trying to work on a plan to help him out while being mindful not to completely enable his addictions and lack of motivation. He shocked the hell out of me the other day by telling me I have a wonderful life. I guess he's referring to my past careers and two beautiful girls and the fact that I can support myself for now on my savings. I on the other hand look at him with envy because he has had such an easy life. No responsibilities, didn't have to work for a living for most of his life, nobody trying to take away his future freedom. I'd have to say though after thinking on it for a few days, I do have the better life, even with no support system and having to fight battles on a few fronts right now. Because I have learned how to fend for myself. I have accomplished a few things, which although personally I don't think amount to much, my friends and family seem to disagree. People tell me my memory and concentration will come back when I'm not under such stress. I guess I just have to have faith that they are right.

I bought a book recently and had a business card I needed to put somewhere. I accidentally put it in the book at the chapter entitled "When the good you do doesn't do you any good". The basic point is - Don't help others at the expense of yourself. Help others when it doesn't hurt you. It doesn't make you a bad person not to sacrifice yourself. And it may just prevent your son from wasting his life like my brother has. So you will be helping both of you by letting him live his life. You can and still will love him.

I also understand that he is your companionship and it will be lonely without him. Personally, it is unbearable not being allowed to see my girls because of my inappropriate coping skills, but as much as I try not to, I just go off the deep end every time I get a threat from their Dad to wipe me out - and I don't know how long that's going to go on for. So I truly understand your wanting to avoid the loneliness, kind of like abandonment in reverse because you're the parent. But I recall in an earlier post a few months ago that you referred to yourself as outgoing, able to make friends easily, stuff to that effect. So hang onto that memory. That is who you are. You will not be alone for long. And you have so many friends and supporters here in this community.

Oh, and good luck with the job. I hope it comes through for you!

[58corvette]

You dont know How Much it means to me to Wake up, Turn on my Computer & Read your Post to me Athena. I to Think about you Often & have been keeping up with All your Post as you Battle your own Demons, Spousal Issues & Relationship Issues.

You & Random were Truly Helping Each Other in referance to Relationships amungst Men & Women. I was Happy for the Both of you, but felt it was best for me at The Time to Try to Focus on My Own Issues at the Moment; Which as you Mentioned is My Son & Myself.

I have as I mentioned Tried to put any Thought of A Relationship with A Woman on the Backburner. But Daily I am so Alone and Long so Much for the Day again of the Love, Friendship & Companionship of a Woman. Quite Simply there is Nothing Better in This World; PERIOD. Daily I see, feel, & Truly hope Someday ALL OF US Find That Joy AGAIN. If I had my Wish No One Here or Anywhere would Suffer Such Lonliness, Bitterness, Anger, Frustration & Everything Else that is Associated with A Broken Heart.

So when I read your Post in regards to Your Children, & Hotel Incident I was Truly BrokenHearted. I decided at that Very Moment you were in Dire Need & Reaching Out. The best I could do was post to you as Quickly as Possible For the Safety of Yourself & Your Dear Children. I am So Glad you are all Safe & OK.

Athena; In Many Ways I have been where you are at. Your Children will Someday Know & Understand More of what their Mother's Pain & Suffering Intailed. My Own Children Have & I am So Grateful for that. Unfortunatly as you Know I have'nt been able to get My Own Life back on Track. And it isnt all My Son's Fault or Doing. It's my Own Inability, & Insecurity to Make A Life for Myself On My Own & Alone.

The book you Mention & the Chaptor Titled; "When the Good You Do Does'nt Do You Any Good" Definitely is True in My Case. Right Now My Son is Finally Sleeping as He Continues To Battle & Overcome The Affects to His Body from His Addiction. It is Very Sad; especially when it is Your Own Child; No Matter What Age.

He will be Going To Court in Just a Few Days & His Fate & Future will be Decided Then. He Knows it as well as I. Very Shortly after that we will Most Probably be Going in Different Directions Alone. Quite Frankly & Honestly I dont have the Answers, Knowledge or Wisdom as to what will Transpire for Both of us in These Unchartered Waters.

For Me Athena much of it is like My Failed Marriage. My Intentions when I came back to Be with my Son were to Find Work, Overcome Both of Our Issues, Get an Apartment or House along with My Other Son (Possibly) & Move Forward from there. It Simply Has'nt happened. My Intentions were there, "The Best Laid Plans Of Mice & Men" so to speak. So for Me as a Person I simply feel Like a Failure Again.

As i read further into your post in regards to You & Your Brother. It just Srikes me how all of us many times View Another's Life.

Wait; Another EMERGENCY.....

As I was writing this my Son had a Severe Attack. My Twin Son, Their Mom (my Sons & my ex) & Paramedics were called to Our Hotel Room, at his Request.

Paramedics took his Vitals & he refused to be taken to Emergency Room by Paramedics. Right now he just left with my twin Son & Their Mom for a Ride together; To Discuss Things. I mentioned to my twin Son make sure his Mom takes him to Emergency TODAY. I am the one That See's & Deals with it on a Daily Basis & he wants to wait till Tuesday to See a Doctor.

Now is the Time For Him To BE HONEST with Himself & Those (Doctors or Professionals) No matter who that can help him start the Road To Recovery. So for Now I Continue to sit at My Computer in this Hotel Room ALONE & will wait for word in Regards to My Son?

Anyway Athena; Shortly after your situation Random also faced his own Ordeals & I became concerned with him also. I can only Hope Somehow I have managed to Help Others as Many of You Have Helped me.

Right Now if I could feel the Warmth & Kindness of a Woman such as Yourself & Others & give my Own Physical Hug in Return I certainly Would. I feel you are back on the right track Athena & your Life with Your Children & a Future Relationship will turn out just Fine & you will Play Your Cards Right.

Believe me when I found out just Now my ex was coming; Neither of us wanted to See Each Other Whatsoever. And will still dont see Eye to Eye on our Son's Condition. She as I mentioned has ALWAYS had her own ADDICTIONS but unlike my Son Mask it So Very Well. And it is Always Someone Else's Fault or that has A "PROBLEM". She IS PART OF HIS PROBLEM & eventually Needs to See That Herself, Recognise it & Face It.

My Retirement Helped her get Through Her Schooling. She is Now a LVN. And States her Inspiration was Her Children. Sure; My own Son Stated to Me the real Reason his Mom(that she Stated to him) chose this Current Path of her's Was Simply $$$$$$$$ & The Demand for People in The Medical Field. And I know her as Well as she knows me. Believe Me it is Just That. $$$$$$$. It's Not about Helping Others in Need.

But I & my Children Know the Real Truth & what both of their Parents True Intentions really are. So Again I Live With A Good Clear Conscience In Regards To Much of all this.

That is part of The Real Sadness to All of This. As Parent's who were Married With Children. It is A Bond that will always Tie you Together till your Dying Days. For Good & Bad; Sickness & Health Till (Divorce) or Death do You Part.

This Is Right Now At This Moment ABOUT THE HEALTH OF OUR SON. God do I hope this is the Beginning of his Recovery. For Me & My Mental Issues; I will need my Strength to SURVIVE more Than ever. For myself & My Children.

As far as the Job Athena; Unfortunatly I have not Heard back after The Interview????????? And I know im not Alone in this Unemployment Predicament. Our Country & So Many other People are Struggling on Many Fronts. Society to Me is at a Crossroads itself; With Families; Jobs you Name it. It may Also take Rock Bottom before Everything Starts Turning Around.

As Corny as this may Sound Coming From a Man; HUGS To You Athena & Thank You So Much!!!

Sincerely; Jim

[Athena]

You're welcome Jim, and thanks for the hugs. I hope your son is doing better. I'm feeling kind of lonely tonight. It's been a weird day. My cousin's funeral was today. My brother was supposed to come by and we were to go over together but he couldn't get his shoes on because his feet were so swollen. His overeating addiction has been getting worse lately and that is what caused the swelling. Poor guy lost his Dad and our cousin in the same week - he was very close to his cousin, they were of the same era (born in the 40's) and he was in tears when we spoke on the phone this morning. Not going to the funeral just broke his heart.

But on the bright side, I was reminded today about just how wonderful a man my cousin was. He truly lived life to the fullest. It struck me that he is probably the only person I know who lived without fear. He was unflappable - and still cracking jokes right up to the end. And from his example, there are a few more people with integrity on this earth today. It is nice to know you can still be generous, fearless, stay true to yourself and not get eaten by the sharks. A nice message I think.

I believe things will turn around for you. You are a good person. And I hope the person who interviewed you knows the value of integrity. If it was me, I'd call them up and tell them how much I'd like to work for them. Not a lot of interviewees do that. I figure it helps you stand out. But that's just me.

[notmary]

Athena, I am sorry for the loss of your cousin. Take care