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So sorry


soregretful

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Hi soregretful,

if your therapist thinks this is connected to the losses you suffered, do you think it would help you to talk about these? I don't know if you said anything about medication. It might help you to get out of this feeling that everything is ruinied, have you considered this?

Take care

S.

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One loss was my grandmother dying. The other was not really a loss in the sense of death. Just got close to one of the families I taught and got sad the kids were growing up. I couldn't eeven visit without feeling like I was losing touch with tnem lrior to this. Cried all tne time when visiting prior to this. I can't escape the guilt about what I did to myself.

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Guilt is just too much right now. I hate this.
hey, whatever. (its your life to experience any way you think is fitting or useful)

Again, You're clearly caught up with hating yourself and feeling guilty, for your reasoning.

(and this is OK with me, that is simply you 'doing you,' according to the beliefs you're supposed to feel that way, or 'must' feel that way, etc etc).

You are free to continue doing this till the cows come home, if that is what you want, and subsequently continue to choose. No one is or can take that right away from you.

So? You've invested x# of hrs into punishing yourself for your perception of crime. Now what?

Let us know if and when you are ready to authentically explore doing yourself differently, (presently, moment to moment)

(and whether the neat and tidy beliefs you have about not ever permitting yourself to ever enjoy anything in life, because of what you are afraid you might have done, or might do, .....like as if you would....think about it......really now....would you?

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Guest SomethingOrOther

I'm sorry if this seems disconnected, I suppose your feeling of loss can play a role, but now I've read a bit more and learned that this started to be a problem after you started dating your girlfriend, so now I wonder if you are very nervous about being close to her. Maybe this memory just came up, because you feel nervous about being intimate. Anxiety can be a driving force in self-sabotage.

S.

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I wonder if you are very nervous about being close to her. Maybe this memory just came up, because you feel nervous about being intimate. Anxiety can be a driving force in self-sabotage.

S.

I support encouragment to explore possible beliefs, so sorry may be entertaining.....such that conveniently 'take one out,' avoiding possible failure, by avoiding trying, like convenient 'road-blocks' sorta :(
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Like I said,

I am not afraid to be intimate....just not worthy. How much sense does someone who did what I did having children sound? So weird. I don't want to beat myself up, Sissa, but living moment to moment is just pretend with guilt packed on top of it. I have confessed to my priest, went to a faith healer, and have done everything I have to try to ease my guilt. Not sure how to live day to day. I wake up some mornings throwing up and others shaking and some both and some none. My mind is clearly preoccupied. Put yourself in my girlfriend's position.....what if you knew your significant other had done this? Wouldn't it bother you?

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I am not afraid to be intimate....just not worthy. your critical judgement alone?

So weird. I don't want to beat myself up, Sissa,

but ('but' negates everything before it)

living moment to moment is just pretend with guilt packed on top of it.

(perhaps it is all pretend...particularly the beliefs supporting 'having to' carry a dark guilt cloud around with you, conveniently blocking out any sunshine, ever) Hello? when will you 'paid' suffieiently for your 'perceived crime?' One that involved no one but yourself.....hello?

I have confessed to my priest, and? forgiveness was given. You? however choose for your reasons, not to forgive yourself. Hello????

went to a faith healer, and have done everything I have to try to ease my guilt. try is not do, or done anything

Not sure how to live day to day. I wake up some mornings throwing up and others shaking and some both and some none. perhaps journalling, playing with ideas about what you might want to consider, making lists?

My mind is clearly preoccupied.

Gosh, you think? See previous comment. What about exploring what you can do, (not try,) to occupy it differently?

Put yourself in my girlfriend's position.....what if you knew your significant other had done this? Wouldn't it bother you?

How is it you elevate what another would choose for their held beliefs, reasoning, instead of examining your own held beliefs? #1Does it serve you? Enable you, or cripple you, and support your feeling badly?

You alone are the boss of you, and what you choose to think, believe, and thusly experience emotionally. How's it going?

There is a saying, If we always do, to ourselves, what we've always done, without exploring options, don't expect anything to change. Do you REALLY WANT a different experience? Well?

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Well,

It is not going well, based on the fact that I can't wait to die. I have never looked forward to something so much. I alone am the judge, and I want to take the person I was....scratch that....am, becuase I can not change what I did, and I want to kill him myself. I choose to punish myself because the very thing that I did goes against everything I believe in. So you ask why do you keep punishing yourself? Because the very thing I did goes against everything I did and stand for!!!! I would fly every person in the world out here to help me if I thought it would......but ultimately it is me who has to live with myself and that it not looking to appealing either.

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I really am at the end of my rope. I can not take any pleasure in anything because of this. I try so hard to look at all the thing I have taught my little first graders and see them smiling back at me and know that I am part of their learning, but it is pride overridden with guilt. I cry daily and don't know what to do to get better. I have chalked this up as a learning experience, but one that has come at the price of me not being happy ever again. I feel like I have let so many down, but most of all...me! Like I said, even if I could have a child, that I would adore so much, I wouldn't be able to be happy. At the faith healing, something unusual happened. My phone, which had been dead for 2 days, suddenly goes off. I KNOW God is real and doesn't want me to give up.....it's like he called me and said please, please, go after your dream because I see you living it. Sissa, I really so badly want to, because I would make a kick ass dad and my girlfriend loves me as much as I love her, but I do not know how to cast these demons aside. I am trying to occupy myself with other things, and taking meds religiously, but the mere fact that I have even done what I have done is enough to kill me!! AAAAGGGGHHH!!

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I myself of all people who has also done things I am not proud of is going to try the options that Sissag. stated. I also want to change I know it's going to be hard no matter what any of us have done nobody can say they haven't done something in their life that they regret.

I you can at least try I will. Please Try!

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I can imagine we have all done things that we aren't proud of, but for me, this is about as bad as it could have been. I can not believe that I have to live with this the rest of my life. UGH!! What an idiot I am! :( I wonder if there will ever come a day where I wake up and do not think about this. If this is just a mistake, then it should go away like turning the car around and heading the right direction. I can't even see the right road anymore. Life is a gift, unless you crap on it, like I did!!

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I really am at the end of my rope. I can not take any pleasure in anything because of this. I try so hard to look at all the thing I have taught my little first graders and see them smiling back at me and know that I am part of their learning, but it is pride overridden with guilt. I cry daily and don't know what to do to get better. I have chalked this up as a learning experience, but one that has come at the price of me not being happy ever again. I feel like I have let so many down, but most of all...me! Like I said, even if I could have a child, that I would adore so much, I wouldn't be able to be happy. At the faith healing, something unusual happened. My phone, which had been dead for 2 days, suddenly goes off. I KNOW God is real and doesn't want me to give up.....it's like he called me and said please, please, go after your dream because I see you living it. Sissa, I really so badly want to, because I would make a kick ass dad and my girlfriend loves me as much as I love her, but I do not know how to cast these demons aside. I am trying to occupy myself with other things, and taking meds religiously, but the mere fact that I have even done what I have done is enough to kill me!! AAAAGGGGHHH!!

With a sincere loving hug, I admire your active mind.

Wow, you have such an abundance of thoughts that range all over the board don't you......

What about doing something with them?

How are you judging the usefulness of all the above varying ideas?

Are you discerningly caring about the self-talk ideas you are feeding yourself with?

For example, commanding yourself with self-talk above: "I wouldn't be able to be happy"

Thats not fact my friend, that is simply a wilful belief choice.

Whatever one chooses, focus and belief wise, one invariably creates and gets........

From another viewpoint, we get pretty much what we focus and commit ourselves to believing about ourselves. If you want to idolize and make a religion out of believeing you are shit,

"being shit" is all you will experience my friend.

Lets pick another example of successful self-loathing, self-limiting:

"I can not take any pleasure in anything because of this"

That is simply an excuse. It is not that you cannot, but that you will not.

You are not ready to focus on valuing your experiences, and the education that is being presented to you. Whatever you choose to look for you will find. What are you looking for?

------------------

Please do not take it personal if i cannot reply for a week or so, i am challanged with reopening a business. (I like to believe we are here for a reason my friend, for me, it is to learn, what you ask? to learn from everything that life gifts us with and puts on our path to learn from and to grow from in our ability to be loving, which is trusting, and charitable, with ourselves/and sharing this.......not in fearing ourselves and this opportunity we've been given, but to continue to grow in our awareness, our trust, to love.

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So,

Basically I sit here not knowing what to do next. At the faith healing, my phone goes off and I really feel like that was God telling me to go for the relationship and my dreams and he will take care of the rest. Another funny thing, in looking for names for children, I am watching TV and the name Jude sticks out for me. Low and behold, he is the patron saint of what else, lost causes! I am taking these two things to be a sign from God that he wants me to hold true to this girl. If I do get blessed with a son, I will name him Jude, maybe Judith for a girl. This is where I feel like God wants me to be, even though I have strayed off the right path, I just felt like yesterday, God was intervening on some level. I will pursue the relationship like I would as if none of this ever happened and love my girlfriend. There were times during this experience I have experienced things that I feel like no parent should experience, but I will go to a new level on my faith and let God take care of the worries. I feel like He will help me figure out the way past this, so that is where I am. Any thoughts? Read the whole blog and tell me if you think I am crazy or not! At the end of the day, it is like musicman said, it is about doing more good than bad, right? Those two miracles have happened and I sincerely believe that it is God telling me to just go for it and he will take care of the worries eventually. What do you guys think? Am I crazy? There is nothing wrong with loving one another, right? I can overcome having pleasuring myself to children and have some, right? I am not sure, but those two interventions are telling me to do this. I would love to know what you guys think. Any feedback would be appreciated. I feel hopeless right now, but in my own way, I think God is telling me what to do and that he will take care of the rest. Any thoughts on how to get by my memories? I am going to be taking a huge journey of faith here, but I feel that is what God wants me to do, and he will just gradually phase everything else out. I am actually so confident that this is that path that God wants me to take, that I will post my first smiley face. :( When I was "sane" and not consumed by these thoughts, I practiced the Catholic faith, even going to church just to feel good. I have confessed to my priest and I feel like this is the path God wanted me to take. I used to feel like this girl was trapped by my past, but maybe God delivered her to save me. What do you guys think? Read the whole blog and let me know!

In faith,

Soregretful

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Folks,

I do not wish to discourage or dampen this important discussion but, I must insist, with respect, that the discussion be continued in another forum in order to make room for new people. This space is strictly for new comers, making it necessary to select the appropriate forum and continue there.

Please, please.

Allan

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perhaps you could suggest a forum Allan, and switch it over, for us to continue this exploration and path elsewheres? :)

SoSorry. You will continue to grow I am sure, in the awareness that the quality of your emotional experience, of the moments that make up your version and experience of life, depends solely on the quality of beliefs you honor by holding onto. You, and your senior partner, God; although he can do little but support you, when you maintain your awareness of his being present, it only works when we are doing that, (no trying :(

Me likes the belief/saying, "If God be with us/for us, who, (of any consequence,) can be of any meaninful influence/impact otherwise?"

Hugs for you, and your partner whenever you choose to acknowledge Him

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I feel touched to know that you have taken my advice to heart. Just as you are looking to escape your past, so too am I. My suggestion to you was the same method I use to find happiness. By helping to guide you on your path to happiness, I have not only helped you, but also myself.

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Guys,

I am walking with God here and want to be aware at that level. I have apologized to him, been to a faith healing, and I think have actually experienced some things to tell me what I should do. I am very scared though. I do not want to feel this guilt and anxiety 24/7, 365. Does it get better? Is there ever going to come a day when I am not thinking about this? I feel so bad if my girlfriend gets trapped by something I did. I would love to continue to hear from you. I feel like a criminal, but somehow, it has to be me to release myself. Not yet sure how to do this. I am scared of living this way the rest of my life.

God Bless,

Soregretful

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Does anyone think that this could be a mental block due to a fear of intimacy? I know that one person said it....I thought I was pressured into the relationship a bit. Thoughts? It is like out of nowhere I just snapped. Could I be mentally trying whatever I can to stop or slow this down? Unfortunately, I picked something that was a little abnormal. Any ideas, guys? I like to get all the feedback that I can. Thanks!

SR

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Does anyone think that this could be a mental block due to a fear of intimacy?

Yes, it definitely could be. Good insight. How do you feel about that fear? I'm sorry if I've forgotten...do you have a therapist? This would be something to discuss in therapy. I hope you are feeling better.

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Yes, it definitely could be. Good insight. How do you feel about that fear? I'm sorry if I've forgotten...do you have a therapist? This would be something to discuss in therapy. I hope you are feeling better.

I very much agree, though what i, or anyone else think/believe is less important than what one themselves 'choose' to think, always....Come from this place of valuing oneself, and that every emotional experience, comes from within, You are the champion (just like Queen sang it :) :)

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I ask because before all of this went down, my girlfriend kissed me on the neck on like our third date, and I was all like, whoa, slow down. Maybe my brain searched out and found this to slow things down. Now I am afraid to kiss her because I feel so low. I think if that is what this is, maybe facing this fear will be important to do. I know I love her and I can see spending my life with her, and we would both be great parents, but I just want this guilt in my head to disappear. I am also a little afraid because of what my other "therapist" said about the 5% chance. I would hate to try to get to that level if my chances are really that slim. It would be an embarassment to both of us. Ugh! Why couldn't I just have something else to obsess over? Thoughts?

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