soregretful Posted September 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 We all have different beliefs about how to help you. Pinpointing why you feel guilty doesn't have to be used in a negative way. I've said it many times before: I don't believe that you're a pedophile.When I'm asking you to dwell on exactly why you feel guilty, it's not to suggest that you did something worse. It's not to suggest that you're a pedophile. My hope was that through discussion, you could see that there really is no reason to feel guilty. Guilt exists for a reason. What I'm understanding from you is that you "know" that what you did was evil, but you don't know why it was evil. If you don't have an answer that strays from, "It just is," or, "Because other people say it is," I don't think you really have reason to feel guilty.I don't want to think I am a pedophile either....I have used plenty of regular things to explore my sexuality. The fact that anyone is suggesting I am one has me upset. That is why it is so hard to accept this....I don't even want to be associated with that word!!! I am so sad...I will never stop thinking about this and I will never feel like me again. I just want this to be over.I know other people have done worse. That doesn't make me feel any better. I just don't know what to do! People say to accept what you have done and move one...I don't accept it because it is so not me!!! I would never hurt a kid and I would never want to. What happened to me? I don't really need to pinpoint why I feel bad, that doesn't help. I just need a way to forget it or something. I feel so sick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 I just need a way to forget it or something.The way I see it, that's not exactly a possibility. If it were that easy, you wouldn't have anyone who suffers from PTSD. You wouldn't have anyone who suffers with different forms of OCD. Wish all you want, you're not just going to forget you ever did what you did.The key is for you to come to terms with what you did, accept that you did it, and continue a happy life. By refusing to pinpoint why you feel bad, you're not really leaving many options open for yourself.Once again, there's two ways you could look at it:1. I want you to pinpoint the reason of your guilt so that you discover that you're actually a pedophile. (I seriously don't believe you are one.)2. I want you to pinpoint the reason of your guilt so that you can understand why there is no need to feel so guilty in the first place.I don't think you can work on "curing" the guilt until you can fully understand the guilt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 If I can't just stop thinking about it, then I will never continue with a happy life. I have come to accept that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 If I can't just stop thinking about it, then I will never continue with a happy life. I have come to accept that.I agree. You must stop thinking about this if you ever want to be happy again. However, there is a difference between not dwelling on these thoughts and forgetting them. I think the latter is about impossible. The former is possible.Now then, how are you going to go about changing your thinking patterns so that you no longer dwell on these thoughts? I think understanding why you feel so guilty is a good place to begin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 I feel guilty because there were pictures of kids involved. If I did use them, can you imagine how awful I feel? Yuck....I would never hurt a kid, so why did I look at boys in Speedos? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 Alright, now we're getting somewhere.So now answer this: Are the pictures bad by nature because they have children in speedos, or do you feel guilty that you may have inappropriately used the pictures? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 Nothing was inherently wrong with the pics...just little boys in speedos (sometimes men). I don't really know if I used them or not. The guilt comes from thinking maybe I did. I would hate to have done that. I would never hurt a kid. What if I did? I would feel awful. I would never hurt a kid and given my speedo history I can see how I founf this. So why don't the people who put up the galleries feel bad? I wanted to have a child of my own and was getting close when this came up. Now I am worried I will never even be able to be happy again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 so you know why you feel guilty. And you say you don't intend to hurt any children and you don't feel you are a threat to children and even if what you might have done was morally sketchy, no one was hurt. Can you accept your actions and move on? What would it take for you to do this?Also, I think I sent you a long PM yesterday about a possible way to handle triggers. Did any of that make sense? Was it helpful at all?I already knew why I was guilty. But, that is just it....I can not handle that I possibly did something that was morally sketchy, not with pictures of kids anyhow. I would rather have tried drugs or been drunk! To move on, I would have to find a way to not think about this every waking moment! Good luck on that one! Just a little over a year ago, I was happy and starting to date. What changed everything? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 Nothing was inherently wrong with the pics...just little boys in speedos (sometimes men). I don't really know if I used them or not. The guilt comes from thinking maybe I did. I would hate to have done that. I would never hurt a kid. What if I did? I would feel awful. I would never hurt a kid and given my speedo history I can see how I founf this. So why don't the people who put up the galleries feel bad? I wanted to have a child of my own and was getting close when this came up. Now I am worried I will never even be able to be happy again.So then moving right along: Do you realize that you're punishing yourself for something that you may have never even done? Let's talk about what's fair. Is it fair to send a man to jail because he might have committed a crime? Is it fair to torture yourself every moment of every day because you might have used the pictures inappropriately? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 That is just it pseudome,I DON'T think a good person would do this. I am clealry not good if I did this. I feel awful and dirty just by knowing thesed sites....again...which are all speedo themed. I just feel like I cqan say this but in my heart I don't know if I believe it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 Of course I don't want to feel guilty....but I am really having a hard time with this. U say u have planety u feel guilty about....nothing like this involving kids I bet. This is just hard for me to believe....I am a teacher....why would thid be my story? I will try anything but I haven't had too much success yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 SR, you've built up a lot of defenses around yourself. You have to let those walls down and look at this or you will continue to circle round and round. Something has to change or nothing will change...Why not challenge yourself and see where it takes you? Does your therapist give you any exercises to try that might help you in this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 I am trying what you guys say, believe me.I have tried the CBT, I am trying the EMDR currently. I am trying to get better, but nothing seems to help. All I can seem to think about is these websites. I know one thing from this, if I do get better, I am going to launch a campaign to fight against those stories. I can not believe that they are legal. Not that that makes me any better a person for having read them, but I just can not believe something so horrible, even though it is fiction, is legal. The disclaimers are totally misleading, saying everyone portrayed in the stories is represented by someone 18 or over...then you get to the stories and they are about young kids. I feel so sick!I am trying to be proactive. I researched drugs that may help with not remembering traumatic memories and am on one. I am still in therapy, but all I really do there is cry and tell the therapist what a bad person I think I am. I just feel so sick. I don't want to continue my life this way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SomethingOrOther Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 I am still in therapy, but all I really do there is cry and tell the therapist what a bad person I think I am. So you quit the CBT and see the EMDR person now or is that in CBT?It is one of my concerns about offering you new things to try, that you'll drop whatever you started before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 SR,Do you accept that you obsess a lot and can you tell us what it's like to be so obsessional and worry so much?Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 I suppose I do obsess, but I also believe I am not trying to think about things, they are just always on my mind. It is a living hell and I am worried I will never stop thinking about these websites and never be happy again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 I noticed a thread on here with a confusedboy16. He has the almost identical problem I had. I was wondering if there was a way to get a hold of him and ask him how he deals with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Yes I did. I am not sure if he will answer it, but I was shocked to see someone had a very similar problem. I still want to just die most days than face this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Wish I knew what confusedboy16 had to say about this~! I just know I do not feel like myself! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted September 13, 2011 Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 SR,You have to understand that just thinking about without trying is obsessing.You have to get a grip on obsessing. You focus on what you are thinking about and not the plain fact that you are thinking, over and over. That is your he'll...that you think over and over on the same thing.Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 SR,You have to understand that just thinking about without trying is obsessing.You have to get a grip on obsessing. You focus on what you are thinking about and not the plain fact that you are thinking, over and over. That is your hell...that you think over and over on the same thing.AllanIn my heart of hearts, Allan, I don't believe that I am a pedophile. I would never choose a child for sex. Also, I am not sure how to get a grip on obsessing, that is just it. I don't really know how to think about anything besides this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 I am just trying to understand why this is happening NOW! That is what I think is puzzling in all of this. Why now? I am not lying when I say this was probably a while ago. One therapist theorized that this waited until now because obsessing on something allows you to not think about something more painful. Why did this not make any difference in the world before, but now it does? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 I am just trying to understand why this is happening NOW! That is what I think is puzzling in all of this. Why now? I am not lying when I say this was probably a while ago. One therapist theorized that this waited until now because obsessing on something allows you to not think about something more painful. Why did this not make any difference in the world before, but now it does?Not that it makes it excusable that I know these sites are there! Nothing ever will.....I hope EMDR helps...I really am not a bad guy...I promise. This was something stupid from years ago! A lot of these sites have been gone for 10 + years!Just trying to figure out the logic in all of this!Am I crazy to think I can get married and have kids? Will this ever leave my mind? I KNOW I have seen some regular adult things recently, so WTH? When does this end? I have a freaking engagement ring, for God's sakes!Please let the EMDR help, Jesus, please let it help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musicman Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Am I crazy to think I can get married and have kids?You're crazy to think that you can't get married and have kids. Then again, the thing about POCD is that no matter how much we reassure you, you're never satisfied with the answer... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soregretful Posted September 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 EMDR tomorrow....wish me luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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