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What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)


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Guest ASchwartz

SR,

Very best of luck and remember, you need to give this time to work. I'll be interested in how you are doing if you will feel like talking about it, not the content but just whether it seems as though you think it will help or not.

Good luck

Allan

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More background!! Getting angry! I want to start the EMDR already! I have used so much regular stuff sexually, so why do I feel like a total ped? I hate this $h!+.

And just so we are clear I am not saying I AM a pedophile. I don't want anyone to take that and run with it. I still want kids of my own. I just want this to be over. On a new drug called propranolol. The people who author the things I feel bad about have no guilt....how the hell is that fair? I would love to hear from confusedboy16 but he is not on here anymore.

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Guest ASchwartz

HI SR,

Please try to not let those who say upsetting things get to you. I know it's hard but, please try. Remember, there are many more of us who are in your corner.

My heavens, I thought you started the EMDR last week. What happened?

Allan

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HI SR,

Please try to not let those who say upsetting things get to you. I know it's hard but, please try. Remember, there are many more of us who are in your corner.

My heavens, I thought you started the EMDR last week. What happened?

Allan

I am getting a lot of history taken, Allan. I have not really started any techniques that I recognize as EMDR yet. I am just rehashing what I have told every therapist. I am getting tired of it. I believe that there are a lot of people in my corner. Believe me, I am NO pedophile. Sex with kids does not even enter my mind! That is deplorable to me! I even said from the start I don't know if I just feel bad about looking or using images, because I am not sure I did. It is just when you go to a site that people call a boylover site, you feel like crap about it. I think when people suggest that I am a pedophile, it just triggers me. That is why I have asked people to just stop offering anything but advice. "Maybe you are in denial that you are a pedophile" is not advice. I know I have probably worn my welcome a little because people are not coming to my page that came before. Just hope I can get better! Even if I have to live the rest of my life by myself, I just want to feel happy again!

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So Allan,

If you have dealt with this type of story before, what does the outcome look like for me? Am I just going to be hampered with the names of these websites for the rest of my life? I am so ashamed and have never been so unhappy.

Not one of these sites was or is illegal and I mean it. I just can't believe this is my life. I thought I would do better. :)

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SR, I'm curious, how many times have you switched therapists? It seems, to me, to be many. How have your relationships been with your therapists? Are you able to connect? I hope that once you find a good match with a therapist, you can stay the course with him/her. Therapy is hard work and it will likely take time.

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Guest ASchwartz

SR,

I hope that therapy will help you find a way out of this awful obsessional state you have been stuck for so very long.

As for the emir you are starting, there has to be that history taking even though have done that before.

What about IrmaJeans question? How manta times have you switched therapists. From my experience as a therapist as well as someone who was in therapy, sticking with a therapist is important. It's the relationship between client and therapist that really helps. That means having to open up about your angers and other emotions you may feel towards the therapist.

Allan

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I have not had the best time with therapists. There is the guy who told me pedophilia is in my blood and terminated our relationship. Then I had a guy who met once and went on vacation for a month. Then I had the one who was doing median tapping and stuff and it was suggested I try cbt so I found one who did that but she referred me to a sex offender therapist...how fun! And then I tried emdr with the current one. Talking doesn't make me feel better by itself. I need some techniques. I am not a sex offender. Hell I am a virgin. So why do I feel like I am so awful?

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Hi sr,

I'm sorry it was so difficult to find the right therapist. I think it can be an important thing to tell your therapist about the way you feel about the therapy. If talking alone doesn't seem to help, maybe that is something you can tell your therapist? Maybe you already have. It would be a small step to establish a relationship and maybe your therapist has some ideas what to do about it.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi,

EMDR is not pseudo science. It is thought that the procedure might modify neurons in the brain. Anyway, I know some therapists who have used it with success and I know some people who went through it with good results. Of course, like everything else, a lot depends on skill and the relationship between patient and therapist.

Allan

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Well, EMDR does work, then. The only criticism they come up with is that it might not be as original a method as is commonly assumed. Chances are, they are right. However, I don't see how it benefits SR to argue against his current form of therapy, given that all anyone can criticise is some bells and whistles. SR doesn't strike me as someone who particularily minds bells and whistles, but rather as someone desperate to find something that just works and I want to encourage him to give this a proper trial.

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Guest SomethingOrOther

My idea is that once you communicate to the therapist that you're interested in learning techniques, they might come up with ways to give you techniques. I don't know if it's possible to supplement EMDR with CBT, but my imagination is also not hampered by any facts that argue against it. Ignorance is bliss. They might or might not be able to do that. The important word is communicate.

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From a personal standpoint, I think it's a good idea for clients to be fully aware of the services they are paying for. Researching, educating oneself, and being proactive in one's treatment is a great idea. I'm not certain about the empirical effectiveness of EMDR, but the decision about whether or not to proceed with this is ultimately up to SR.

We're limited in what we can do here. It's important to remember that this is a peer support site and we do not and cannot replace expert, in-person opinions on anyone's psychological care.

Keep the lines of communication open and talk with your therapist, SR, about any concerns/doubts you are having. If you don't feel you are trusting the method or your therapist, then you are the buyer and the choice about whether to continue or not is yours.

I do want to get this thread back on track. Let's get back to supporting SR.

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No, EMDR doesn't work. Exposure therapy works.

I think it's a bit unfair to speak in absolutes like this. There isn't much in life that is black and white. When researching almost anything you will find pro's and cons.

But....we are dealing with people here. Everyone is an individual. Everyone is different. What works for one person may not work with another. I work with someone who practices EMDR. Does it work for everyone? NO...it doesn't. Does it work for some? Yes it does. I personally have practiced CBT which is an amazing technique for people who are in therapy or not. Does it work for everyone? NO....it doesn't. Does it work for some? Yes it does. Same with exposure therapy. Same with solution focused. Same with many other methods out there. The method has to match the individual, their personality, and has to meet them where they are at the moment they walk through the door. That's why so many therapist practice an eclectic approach. To meet the needs of the individual.

So....I guess the question remaining for you, SR is..... What works for you? If you find EMDR helpful.....great!!! Keep it up. If you don't....try something else. Irmajean is right....do your homework and educate yourself to know what your getting into and make an informed decision about what is the best match for you personally.

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Pseud, this isn't about proving or disproving the theory behind EMDR. To be honest, I'm skeptical to believe it's anymore effective than CBT, but I know that my mother has good things to say about it. Even if scientifically, it shouldn't be more effective, we can't forget about the placebo effect. If someone believes that there is an added benefit to EMDR, there is a chance that he will convince himself that it's working well. Why argue it if it's not causing any harm to SR? He's put a lot of faith into EMDR, and there's no reason to tell him otherwise.

As far as I'm aware, EMDR specialists just put you into a state of deep relaxation before they question you and offer suggestions. I don't see how that can be a bad thing. At the very least, the patient is offered temporary relief, and that at least should give hope that eventually, things can improve, and they are capable of feeling good.

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pseudome,

this topic seems to bring out a lot of anger for you. did something happen in the therapy arena to hurt you or make you feel bad? I'm sorry if that happened to you. You can correct me if I'm wrong. I'm sorry you're having a tough time whatever the source is though. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

I guess I'm not trying to be vague in my opinions....just, unfortunately, don't have time to go back into journals to cite them. My life is a bit of a rollarcoaster right now and I'm tempted to just jump off. So I guess all I could offer to back my opinions up is anecdotals. Really wasn't trying to upset you. Sorry :D

There is a piece of anecdotal evidence that I pay attention to though. After all, when you think about it, wasn't even the evidence based, well researched, state of the art theory anecdotal at one time? It's important to pay attention to and test new developments. The field will never advance without it.

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Guest ASchwartz

Well, just one more thing before we pronounce the horse dead. Yes, the evidence is anectdotal and that is my experience. I never trained in nor used EMDR and have always have had my doubts. A couple of psychiatrists I know think its effective and give the explanation I posted about its effect on the nervous system. But, no, the scientific evidence is not there. Trouble is the people I know who reported to me that it really helped them.

Anyway, the horse is dead. Just know that I value your contributions, whether you are angry or not. Could you maybe be a little less angry?:)

Allan

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Am I going to die like this? My twin brother is also suicidal for differfent reasons. God hates me. I tried to go to church to pray and it was locked. I guess that is a way of telling me to get lost. I can't take this much longer. Just out of ideas. My brother has a suicide plan he has told me about and asked if I wanted in on it. I don't know wat to do anymore. Life is kicking my ass and I feel like screaming "you win". Just send me to hell. I will end up there anyhow despite all the good I've done. Living hurts and there is no way out of the pain. I would ask for help but u have ur lives to live. Any thoughts would be great.

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I am so tired of being sad. I love kids. I don't want to hurt one. Why did I read 5that story? I am just done.....there is no way to move past this I have tried. I have had two therapists give uup on me. Tried CBT...tried a sex offender counselor....that is something I am so ashamed of.....my brother is sick and wants to die.....where does the hope come in?what do I have to do to genuineloy feel better? I am trying with no luck. I am at the end of my rope besides hypnosis. What cakn I do? I am tired of having to cry myself to sleep when the author of this story doesn't feel bad at all probably. I just want to scream but would anyone hear me? Would anyone care if they did?

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi SR,

You should not give up and I and others care a lot about what happens to you.

I'm confused. I thought you were starting EMDR? Have you started? I can only repeat that I know many people who found it helpful and even returned at later times when they felt they needed to.

What is happening with your brother? Why is he feeling so hopeless?

Allan

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...and round and round we go. But you know this. Did you really try CBT? How many sessions? I think I'm coming on 16 or 17 sessions with my therapist and I think it took at least the first 5 or so just to get comfortable enough to do anything useful and not freak out at going. The deal is you have to put in effort to make change. Maybe that's the deterrent...fear of wasted effort? But what else are you going to do? Walk in a circle?

Have you considered that you and your brother might be feeding off of each other's negative energy? You both need to seek help. You say you are trying wtih no luck, but are you really trying? Or are you pulling back at the last second because you doubt things will work before giving them a good effort? (I do this sort of thing all the time, so it's not like I'm accusing you or anything).

Yes, I did try at CBT therapist...she referred me after the first visit. I AM putting in effort. I am going to therapy religiously every week. I am with EMDR now, but I WILL TRY ANYTHING!! It seems to me like the therapists are giving up on me! I do not freak out about going. What else would you say constitutes trying? I know I looked at boys in Speedos...ok, that kind of search would maybe lead you to a pedophilic website, but I was not looking for lust, as was suggested. I really in my heart believe it was out of envy. All of the pictures I looked at were Speedo pictures. The story I read did involve kids being sexually active. I am not proud admitting this. I know that I found it because it was a Speedo based search. I never typed in anything that would be like "kids having sex" in a search engine. I KNOW I had a Speedo fetish or whatever you want to call it. It is really too bad I didn't think this through that the results might be from pedophilic websites.

If I am pulling back, then somebody tell me what to do to push myself because I am going to work, actually teaching my kids to read, and I am not picturing the little boys in my class in Speedos or anything like that. This all happened a long time ago. Why could I forget it before but not now? What gives?

Yeah, my brother may be giving me negative energy and vice versa, but really, what positives can you find in any of this? What am I supposed to look at and say I am a good person? What great deed will erase or replace having looked at boys in speedos? I haven't given up hope, hope has given up on me.

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Hi SR,

You should not give up and I and others care a lot about what happens to you.

I'm confused. I thought you were starting EMDR? Have you started? I can only repeat that I know many people who found it helpful and even returned at later times when they felt they needed to.

What is happening with your brother? Why is he feeling so hopeless?

Allan

He has been dealing with excruciating pain in his whole body for almost 2 years. He is in physical pain and it is hard for him to have the will to live. He has been knocked out of work and is fearful he will lose his job.

I am starting EMDR, but this therapist has only talked to me so far for 6 visits. She hasn't done anything that I would call a new technique. She wants me to do all this journaling...what my childhood was like, etc. I don't know how that will help me, but I do have some Speedo memories from my childhood. All the crap I am going through has to do somehow with Speedos. The stories, the websites (some would say pedophilic, but if you just look at kids in Speedos, I don't see that as bad as other things.) all of it has to do with Speedos.

My psychiatrist says it is a scar. Well, I have several scars on my body and I hardly notice them. This kills me every day. I wish I would have just gotten the Speedo. Maybe the whole fetish would have died then. I remember posting a picture of a Sports Illustrated for Kids cover with Janet Evans on it and a little boy in a Speedo from 1989!!! That was when I was 11. I totally remembered it because I had the magazine as a kid! I am not making this up when I say this was long ago.

Here is the cover! This was from when I was 11, heck, maybe 10 if I hadn't had my birthday yet! http://www.google.com/imgres?q=sports+illustrated+for+kids+janet+evans&hl=en&biw=1024&bih=543&gbv=2&tbm=isch&tbnid=0X0nWpX9SJEqSM:&imgrefurl=http://autographsforsale.com/jaevsduauspi.html&docid=LRaU8-Wdm_LGiM&w=314&h=360&ei=Lc-MToy1PMfHsQKq_am1BA&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=234&page=1&tbnh=173&tbnw=148&start=0&ndsp=10&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0&tx=63&ty=84

This had its root a LOOOOOOOONG time ago! I wanted one, I was denied, I kept pursuing. It lead me some places I wish I had never gone, but why kill me now? Can I ever wake up and feel like I am not a pedophile?

I do not want to have sex with a kid...though my Speedo searches took me to some quasi-pedophilic sites. It is the knowledge of these sites that makes my life so damn hard. WHY do I even know the address of a semi-pedophlic website? I promise that the pictures were Speedo pictures and the story had that sort of basis too? What can I do? All I really have left is hypnosis and suicide. I am not a child pornographer! I did not see any kids naked or engaged in sexual activity. So why do I feel as bad as someone who did?

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