What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)

[soregretful]

Do you hear yourself repeating the same stories over and over and over? What good does that do? That's a form of self torture. It's a twisted sort of defense mechanism. Wallowing in it keeps you from facing the real feelings associated with it. Did you ever try what I outlined for you before? That can be applied here. When you feel the need to reiterate your story for the thousandth time, resist. Sit with it. You may find it's actually much more difficult to resist repeating your story than to actually repeat your story. But that feeling can't hurt you and it doesn't alleviate you from any guilt or anything and it will pass if you sit with it long enough. Practicing NOT letting yourself isntantly go to the self deprecation will actually lead you to self deprecate less over time. TRY IT

What do you mean by the wallowing and facing the real feelings associated with it? my real feelings are of disgust and self hatred. How could I be hiding that? Not sure about that.

[soregretful]

nevermind. I need to shut up. I'm apparently unhelpful to all.

Well...you can call me stupid if u want...I thought I asked an honest question. I am not trying to hide feelings of lust or anything. I seriously don't know what you were talking about. Are you saying I am maybe supressing lust for little boys? If I am off base tell me. It was an honest question. No one told you to shut up.

[soregretful]

What therapy would be best? ECT? CBT? EMDR? I know I am depressed....any thoughts on ECT? I am desparfate to just feel like myself again.

Psychiatrist said today this is an excude to not have sex. Should I try that if I am ready?

[soregretful]

She wants to be with me. We have discussed sex and she is consenting, but I just don't know how this would work with these stupid sites on my mind. My psychiatrist says this could be an excuse to not have sex.....if I wanted to have sex I would have it...I don't need any excuse.part of me is afrid I wouldn't work right.he says anything can arouse you and this is not related....he even told me to try sex with her. So confused!

Also i should I fveel like a pedophile for looking at kids in speedos? Given my history I can see how I got there but is it a natural thing to look at? I feel bad...I love kids....11 years teaching them.

[soregretful]

Yeah, I am. I don't even feel ashamed admitting that even though I know some people on here are probably laughing. I was taught to wait for marriage. I am so close now. It DOES make sense that it could be related, but what I am trying to do is just be happy. Sex doesn't make you happy. My whole state of mind is shot. Would I like to have a family with this girl? Of course! She is waiting to say yes as soon as I propose. Can you imagine if I had a child though and had read those stories, etc.? It just doesn't seem to fit! I am not sure how having sex would solve any of that, but my psychiatrist CHALLENGED me to take it to that level. I can't figure out why. The timing does make sense though.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi sr,

did you get a better picture of how your therapy is going to move on? Maybe the journalling could be good for also focussing on other things in your life.

It must be difficult to see your brother struggling so much and not being able to help. You could maybe use your experiences to help him find a psychiatrist, if he doesn't have one already?

[soregretful]

No pseud,

There was actually no pedophilic intent. I never would. Wasn't that. I don't know what my intent was but it wasn't sex with kids....something related to speedos. Whatever. Yes, I looked at pictures of kids in speedos that were on what people call pedophilic sites, but is a bunch of speedo pictures pedophilic? Really? Isn't that kind of up to whoever is viewing it? You can see kids in speedos on most european beaches....does that mean most europeans are pedophiles? That's what my dillemma is....I looked at innocent stuff that got me there but wouldn't it be worse to look at unclothed kids or child porn? Given my speedo history I can maybe even understand why I looked for this, but should I feel less guilty? Most europeans would see the site I saw and say it was nothing. I am not saying I am innocent that I know the site www.ja----tal~~.com it had speedo picturs. I want kids and it has to happen soon. Do I just go for it?

[soregretful]

I was looking back through my posts and noticed ect was suggested. I read it can bring you out of depression. Any thoughts? I will do anything.....even put myself into a seizure if it helps me feel better.

[soregretful]

Hi sr,

did you get a better picture of how your therapy is going to move on? Maybe the journalling could be good for also focussing on other things in your life.

It must be difficult to see your brother struggling so much and not being able to help. You could maybe use your experiences to help him find a psychiatrist, if he doesn't have one already?

I think he just needs someone to tell him what is wrong with him....no psychiatrist. He is all kinds of physical pain, not mental. The boys mom told me today they eant to see me but I am too sad.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Here's a language question: when your brother asked if you want "in" on his suicide plan, that means you could kill yourself together, right?

I'm afraid in this case having mental problems is actually the nicer explanation for that offer.

[soregretful]

I don't know if I mentioned it, my brother is my TWIN brother. Unless you are a twin, you can not even imagine life without your womb-mate. If he killed himself because of phycsical pain, do you know how hard it would be for me to live? My mirror image is gone and I am supposed to just carry on? No he is asking because he is in PHYSICAL pain. Not everyone that wants to end their life has psychological issues. Some people just can't be in physical pain....like those that Jack Kevorkian helped. Were they in need of a therapist because they got cancer, etc? No, I can't say they were...they were just tired of being in pain. That is where my brother is. He is in all kinds of physical pain, describing it with sensations such as I have a nail going through my skull. His leg muscles twitch on their own. If I were in that kind of pain 24/7, I would consider ALL my ways out. People are not in need of a hand to hold or a friend to talk to just because they want to end their life....sometimes living just hurts too much.

He just knows how hard life would be for me without him. There are stories on the internet of husbands who got cancer and wanted to end their lives so the spouses went with them. Just because you don't always feel like living, I don't think you have mental problems. It's going on 2 years that my brother got these symptoms...he is tired of pretending to smile when he is constantly in pain. No psychiatrist is going to make his muscles stop twitching or his face stop hurting. He made an offer because he knows how hurt I would be if I were left alone.

For people to tell you "suicide is never the answer", I'm sorry, but unless you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes, there is no way you could know that.

It's like my circumstance.....I looked at kids in speedos/read stories, etc. This could have been when I was a teenager...I don't know. I know that the sites went down about 6 years ago at the latest. So how did I get by for that period of time happily? I looked at kids in speedos, ok...I am not proud but look at my posts above...should I feel like a pedophile because I looked at kids in speedos? Would swim team coaches be pedophiles if they see kids in speedos? I looked at nothing illegal, but it took me to sites that people are touting as pedophilic. Do you know how HORRIBLE I feel about that? Especially as a teacher? The guilt is so bad that I do not know if I will ever be able to live it down, and I know people are trying to comfort me, but knowing the addresses of these sites is just inexcusable to me. I am in a pain that no one could know unless they did the same thing. I know people are trying to help. I DO have mental problems....I mean, who in their right mind would go looking for kids in speedos on the internet (unless you were totally in envy of speedos when you were a kid...which I am totally standing by! I DID get my first one when I could drive at 16....that is NOT a lie.) I am not saying I am a saint, but it's like when you really like a car that you want to buy, you just look and look and look. That is kind of what I did, unfortunately, there were kids and men in the Speedos. I looked at this stuff when I was a kid. I loved Speedos growing up and had like 20 pair that I collected since age 16. I hate to admit looking on the internet, but I did...I am not proud of it. It isn't like I thought the kids were sexy or anything, and to see some of what these visitors are writing, I know I am nowhere near as bad as them. Other visitors are posting things about wanting to sexually abuse the kids...I would NEVER even dream of that. I just liked Speedos too damn much growing up and now I am paying the price I guess. Sh%#!

[soregretful]

And by the way if you google speedo boys and get the images...that is the extent of what I saw. Seriously. What is wrong with me? How did I get so hell bent on speedos? Damn I wish I would have just been allowed to have one as a kid. Might be a better me today.

Add to that that I love those two kids and never onced pictured thim in speedos. That was all for me. I love those boys for who they are.

[soregretful]

I agree that your brother's want for a suicide pact is not a sign of mental illness. I'm sorry he is suffering so much.That must be very difficult to watch. Have you considered that the situation with your brother might be a significant contributing factor as to why you've been having all this obsession about the speedo stuff lately? Maybe the stress of that has caused your mind to latch onto this obsession?

When I was reading your post, I was really struck by how you described your brother's situation. But then that last paragraph felt like the same old rehashing you do every other post. I'm not saying that to minimize it in anyway, but at this point, hearing you talk about the speedo stuff has become, I don't know... It's like watching someone who has a nervous tic. Rambling off a paragraph about it is a nervous tic of yours. It's maybe a defense mechanism? And odd coping mechanism? What if you actively practiced NOT including such paragraphs in your responses on here? I mean, for sure by now, we all know what you write in them, so the intent is not to inform. What would you feel if you made a conscious effort not to engage in this sort of automatic response?

(Note, that I'm not saying you should stop writing such paragraphs because "no one wants to read them" or anything like that, but because I see it as maybe a way in which you are deflecting your emotions and strengthening a destructive coping strategy.)

I don't know pseud,

I am just trying to prove my "innocence" here. I never went and searched for "child sex stories" or anything like that. I did, for whatever dumbass reason, look for speedo stories, pictures, etc. I know that there are people on this forum that suggested I did this out of pure lust. That is bullshit. I am just trying to drive home the point that I looked for speedo stuff, ok, I am not innocent, the worst of which could be seen on google images. It did lead me to what people have called a pedophilic site, though the speedo pictures alone do not constitute pedophilia. The site, which shut down in 2006 at the latest, had pictures of kidnapped kids bound and gagged, I NEVER saw those and was not aware that they were on the same site. That is where it crosses the line. I am just ashamed that the stuff I looked at was even associated with it.

Nonetheless, I know certain individuals who think I am this giant pedophile and just want to make me feel bad, saying "maybe I am in denial about being a pedophile". I will not, nor ever want to, have sex with, discuss sex with, show my genitals to, look at the genitals of, or even remotely suggest sexual interest in a child. EVER!!!! It is all I need to have someone come on here and say some crap to trigger me and erase any progress.

I know I say the Speedo stuff a lot, but that helps me work through it in my mind. I am just trying to figure out how I got from A to B years later. I know I typed in Speedo gallery, or Speedo stories. OK, fine, but does that really make me a pedophile? People see kids in speedos all the time. These sites are not even in existence anymore. I am just trying to prove a point.....I do not want to hurt a kid. I want kids, my girlfriend wants to have kids with me. I feel so unworthy. I am beyond the point of just talking. I need drugs, or shock therapy, or EMDR or something to make this fade away NOW!!!

Yes, I looked at something most people would care less about, but it lead me down a road I didn't want to go down. If you ever set foot inside my classroom or saw how great I am with my first graders, DESPITE this crap being on my mind, you would realize I am not a pedophile. I feel bad because now I have to try not to imagine my little guys and girls in those stories or wearing speedos. It could have been them, and that just makes me sick. I want to put this away in my mind. I had a therapist suggest that I was a danger to kids. That is complete crap.

Sorry if I seem defensive. Something happened to me between a year ago when I started dating and felt the excitement of possibly becoming a husband and daddy and now and I fell apart remembering these sites from years ago. Why did they not even matter before? 2006 it was shut down and NOW I remember? Hell, 2006 was before I even met the boys. Will I ever get to the point of not remembering them again? Can I have my family that I want? I am just so mad....this is ALL MY DAMN FAULT!!!

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi sr,

I understand that your brother is in great physical pain and I accept that this isn't the result of a mental illness. But I also think that at some point it will not matter anymore what the cause is, as long as you can do something about the effect. I've read that pain is closely related to peoples mental state and found you an article on it.

http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsweek/Depression_and_pain.htm

That is why I believe a psychiatrist could help and is at least worth trying. If your brother doesn't want to try it, that's fine, but he should at least know there is an option.

[soregretful]

Consider the fact that people on this site are coming from all different sorts of backgrounds and they do not know you aside from what you have posted here. If a member who has suffered sexual abuse as a child reads your words, they are often leery because of their own personal expereince. This is my expereince as well. I do not necessarily know what to make of you, but only because I don't really know you. For all I know you could be a pedophile who is in denial and this is why you feel the need to constantly jusify your behavior. I'm doing what I can to give you the benefit of the doubt because what else can I do? I don't know you. So try not to take it personally. I'm only brainstorming and trying to offer suggestions, and perhaps a compassionate ear.

Did you notice how at my suggestion that you try and not go on about this stuff in your posts, this is exactly what you did? Are you trying to convince us that you didn't do anything wrong or are you trying to convince yourself? Seriously consider it for a moment--what do you lose by NOT repeating the same argument again? What do you gain in doing so? Again, at this point it reads like a nervous tic. Can you actively work on giving up the constant rehashing and over justification? Whether what you did was or wasn't bad. Whether you are guilty or not guilty, rehashing it over and over neither convinces anyone either way nor atones for any real or imagined transgressions. All it does is keeep you from moving forward. Can you try giving it up? Next time you are about to type the word "speedo", catch yourself and leave it out. I fully expect that doing so will feel very uncomfortable. Perhaps write about that discomfort instead? Would you be willing to try that?

I just feel with my heart that I am not a pedophile. I am just aghast that I even would have done something to have gotten mentioned in the same sentence as pedophilia. I am so great with kids. I have taught first grade for years. I am not trying to prove myself to anyone its just that no matter what I do I will feel like some type of pervert. I guess you have to call it like you see it though. I just will never live this down. Why do I know these sites? That's what I can't get past. But I also know that nothing I did could land me in jail.I would rather be there on death row at this point.I don't know how to hekp myself anymore. I just give up....there is like no way to be helped is there?

[IrmaJean]

Try altering the current path you're on with your behaviors and response, SR. It just goes round and round in circles. It's repetitive and not helpful in changing things for you.

I hope you will continue working with your therapist.

[soregretful]

Try altering the current path you're on with your behaviors and response, SR. It just goes round and round in circles. It's repetitive and not helpful in changing things for you.

I hope you will continue working with your therapist.

As far as behaviors go...I don't look at this stuff anymore...I just can't forget that at some point in my past I did. I am willing to try anything to not remember this, but what?

[IrmaJean]

SR, I meant your current behaviors of going round and round with this in your mind. Have you tried connecting with moments that are now rather than dwelling on the past? What soothes you?

[soregretful]

SR, I meant your current behaviors of going round and round with this in your mind. Have you tried connecting with moments that are now rather than dwelling on the past? What soothes you?

That's just it....I don't know how to get it out of my mind or know why it seemed to just vanish before. Its like all I can do to relief it is sleep.I need some techniques...talk thrapy isn't doing much for me.

[soregretful]

Can you try something? Can you write a post on this thread that includes no negative self talk and no dwelling on these issues? It could be about anything. Something you did today. A positive thought you had. Consider it practice at focusing on things outside of this painful rut. Tell us about the car you drive and where you got it. Tell us about how you need to go grocery shopping. Anything at all. The more you focus on obsessive thoughts, the more you strengthen the obession. Maybe humor would help? Find a funny comic and post it.

Just a suggestion...but it couldn't hurt to try, could it? (actually, the trick is that trying will hurt at first, or at least feel uncomfortable, but the payoff is worth it in the end...)

I felt outside of myself and kind of old today but I felt like the kids learned a lot today. Going out on a trip on Saturday. Would love to have a family with my girlfriend.

[soregretful]

Off to work. Scared but trying.

[IrmaJean]

Good for you, SR! Hope you have a serene day.

[soregretful]

Good on you, SR. I hope your day goes well.

Despite all of this...I still love my job. I am still good at it. I mean really good. I rule at teaching.

[soregretful]

Check you out with your positive thinking!

I'm glad you have something that makes you feel good about yourself.

I'm trying and I have to say that's the truth. I love my kids and they love me. I just hope I start to feel like I teach.

[soregretful]

My girlfriend is the most supportive person I know. She knows all of this and she still stands by me. I want to be with her and have it feel normal again like it did when I first dated her. We both wqant to be parents and I have already gotten a ring. She says she will accept whenever I do propose. I like doing artsy things. So does she. That's what makes me a good first grade teacher. I also like web design. I have aq frickin amazing classroom website. I also enjoy kids....I love going to see my students play sports etc. They love seeing me there.