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soregretful

What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)

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Guest ASchwartz

soregretful and all,

If by "these sites the authors feel great about" are the porno sites, they feel great because they make piles of money. As for your worrying what the "public" thinks" all that really matters is what you think and you think only bad things about yourself which begs the question, why do you go to sites that make you feel awful?

allan

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soregretful and all,

If by "these sites the authors feel great about" are the porno sites, they feel great because they make piles of money. As for your worrying what the "public" thinks" all that really matters is what you think and you think only bad things about yourself which begs the question, why do you go to sites that make you feel awful?

allan

They are not porno sites. There is no nudity. There was no sex. I am trying to figure out why I went there too. The best I can figure is that it was related to the speedos. I ended up reading a story on n-ft-.org in which a fictitious couple of children were intimate. Also I do not go to these sites....I went to them A WHILE ago. It disgusts me that I did. However , I think the site was misleading...it sais all portrayers were over 18....they were not even though they were characters in a story. Next I looked at speedo dites...men and boys. I don't know that I explored myself with these sites. The sites I looked at were what you might find on a swim team. I even put links up so people could see it was not child porn. Now I have the label porno being brought up again. No...not porn. The fact it has speedo kids up makes people say it was a pedophilic site. Are kids in speedos pedophilic? Really? Is europe a continent of pedophiles because kids wear speedos over there? For me to come on and have people say porno sites...let me make it clear if I watched "porno" it was with adults. I love children with all my heart. I want kids. My girlfriend wants kids with me. I do not know why I went on these sites. I do not still go on them...it was a long time ago. I would never go on those sites as a teacher. I did not even see one naked kid. I saw kids in speedos. Trying to figure out how porno is being brought into this. Would hypnotherapy be good? I am looking into this. My girlfriend insists we will make it through this. She says I will be a dad. I want this so bad.

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That is just it.....there really isn't a problem with a kid in a speedo. However one of the sites I went on that had th is (probably when I was about the same age) also had some other things on it that I never saw like kids being tied up. They turned out to be kidnapped. So that lead other people to say the site was pedophilic and did lead to it being shut down in 2006. It was not even on my mins for years. The issue I have is that I looked at what other people caleed a pedophilic website. There is so much shame in that...though I NEVER saw the tied up pictures. Nor would I want to. I just hate that I looked at a site that people are calling pedophilic.

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I am looking into hypnotherapy. My current therapist is not doing the EMDR and I am getting mad. I am sick of people just talking to me for a dollar a minute. What am I going to do? Everyone says this is no big deal, but to me, it is the end of the world.:D

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Again, not that I am wanting to make anyone feel gulity, but I could even show you what I looked at and I would probably hear the same thing...no big deal. How can I move on? What am I going to do? Can't live like this forever! :confused:

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SR, you continue to go round and round with this. :( What is happening in your therapy? Do you discuss your thought patterns with the therapist? Do you spend time between sessions thinking about questions your therapist has asked you? Do you feel you are working toward change? Change won't happen just by going to therapy. You will have to work very hard.

How has therapy been going?

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Therapy has been very slow. Just a lot of hand holding and trying to cnnvince me I am not a bad person. I went to this therapist because she did EMDR, after 12 appointments, she finally started some of that last night, I think. She really hasn't given me any questions, just affirmations and stuff...which I say, but I feel about the same. To the outsider, I must be doing great. My class gave me a little gift on which they all wrote something for which they were thankful about me. I cried reading it. I know I am great with kids, so why can't I just feel good about that?

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Guest ASchwartz

SR,

Therapy is slow, for everyone. It's important to be patient with it and be willing to be open to it by not holding back in what you say and feel.

In my opinion, your friend is right. Move on and let this melt away.

How about giving an adult relationship with your girlfriend a real, very real and serious, try? Have you really tried and how do you feel about this idea?

Allan

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Hi soregretful

This is my second visit BACK TO THIS SITE after a long time. After reading through the forum I couldn't help myself to read through your post before I logged off the site like many times before.

I think I'm on the right track here but... Correct me if I'm wrong. Are you saying that you think Therapy is not doing you any good, or you feel it isn't doing you any good? :confused: If that is what your saying then I could relate to what you are saying.

I've been having Therapy (CBT and Counseling) for over Twelve Months now and I feel just the same as you. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm doing well but I don't feel any different from the first day I started Therapy? Maybe it is doing us good but we can't see it in our selves?

All I can offer is go with the flow even if it's to keep the Mental Health off your case if you know what I mean?

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Can you please explain that a little further? At any rate, I am trying to do a lot more with my girlfriend because I truly in my heart care about her. Is it love? I don't know...this is my first relationship....not sure how I know! Would I mind being with her forever....certainly not! We have already talked about what is next for us, and it is so great! My psychiatrist suggested I just fully commit, sexually and otherwise. I am not sure where that suggestion came from. I would like to do that, but I just don't know how it will help my mind. It was also suggested early on that this may have come up as a result of being afraid of intimacy. To be honest, maybe that is a little true. I am afraid of not being able to be aroused since this is on my mind. I have never had sex and I don't want it to be something that is kind of like an obligation. Do I want to have kids? Yes. My girlfriend wants to have them with me, knowing all of this. I even showed her some of the stuff I read, and she said it was just a matter of reaction. She agrees it is not the best thing, but she also is reassuring me that it was just a story. I am just so disappointed I read it! She did too, though, so what gives? I know in my heart too that I would never hurt a little kid. She knows too. Should I just try having sex? I don't know what to think!

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So,

All I hear is that you need to let this go? Any ideas as to how? I am wanting to try the hypnotherapy, but I am out of money right now! I know stories are made up. I know my girlfriend knows...I even showed her this site!!!! I just want to feel better for my own sake! So how do you let it go?

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Hi, im really sorry when u tell me that u cant live a normal life coz u are all the time thinking in urls i findit kinda silly. But i know its important to u so

Here these is Nick a friend:

He inspires me u know, and maybe he will inspire u in stop thinking in stupid urls and start living the life u whant with ur girl.

Maybe next time u would think in that URL insted of the ones u remember.

Edited by eppursimuove

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That was actually a nice way to start the day. I am just in a place where I feel like the only recovery I could ever make is by not knowing these web addresses. Again, I want to emphasize that I never looked at any pornography of any kind involving a child. Somehow, there was a story that I read, but in my heart of hearts I know that I never typed in anything that would directly lead me to that. I didn't go searching for kiddie erotica or anything like that. I did look up stories about Speedos and look at pictures of boys in them....so is that pedophilic? I know people are going to say I sound like a broken record, but I just want people to understand where I am coming from right now. I am getting scared. I can not afford next month's mortgage and am not buying food. This therapy is not giving me the kind of help I need. I feel like any good person would not know URLs that were what some called "pedophilic". I also am not having tons of luck redirecting my thoughts. My therapist says you don't think about this all the time, but she is putting words in my mouth. I am kind of POd it took 10 sessions and 600 dollars to get to the EMDR and now I can't afford to go. That freaking sucks! I need a way to get these thoughts out of my head forever!!! I realize I can't undo or explain anything....that is why I am so frustrated. My psychiatrist said to sexually commit. I am not sure how that will help. I just don't want to be sad anymore, but I have forgotten what happiness is like.

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SR, if you read your previous post you will note how you start out calmly and then start building up anxious energy and end up in the very same cycle again. Try and change the pattern up. Stop yourself and do something different. I understand it isn't easy.

Are there times when you are able to let go of these thoughts and simply be in the moment? Your past doesn't define you. Have you tried meditation at all? Going out in nature? Writing poetry or some other activity that relaxes you?

Take care today.

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