What Do I Do? (!) Trigger Warning (!)

[soregretful]

As of late, it has been mixed. I take so much pride in teaching....and for me to compliment myself on anything is rare....I am so good at it! I have ten requests for next year already, and that is something that I should be proud of, but I am not. It's like I am unable to focus on things I should be proud of.

I have taken a break from dating, I just hate myself so much right now, and I am looking for a way to find self love for me. Parents love me, my students love me, my family loves me, it is just me that doesn't. Where I am right now, there is NOTHING that justifies me knowing the names of these "pedophilic" websites, even if I never went there with a sexual intent. You can see pictures of what I looked at by doing a google search, but I just can't understand why I am here. I mean, it's not like it's a difficult thing to do to stay away from "pedophilic" websites, especially if you are a teacher, but somehow, stupid me knows them. That is what I am having a daily struggle with. Why do I know this? If you were to ever see me interact with my class, you would probably want a teacher like me for your children, and I do have a VERY GOOD reputation for educating children.

In my heart, I know I don't lust after kids. I didn't become a teacher to get closer to them, it is just that I thought that is where I could best use my talents, and I love it!

I did try CBT, but I was referred after one session to a sex offender counselor. I don't feel like I am a sex offender, but I did go. I need help liking me again. Nothing I looked at was even illegal, which I have stated the whole time, even seeing some of it on YouTube! But what can I do to feel like I didn't break the law? I feel awful! I know I need therapy, but how can it help? I am just tired of letting this define me, regardless of when it happened (though in my eyes, to be happy, it never should have). Do I have OCD? I don't know. I just feel like if I didn't put these sites into my brain, I would have nothing to feel bad about. I have not one person to blame for this but me!

[soregretful]

I am just getting really scared that there is no way out of this. I feel so alone. I want help badly, but can any help erase the names of these sites? Can anything actually make me feel like a decent human being again? If not, I am scared to live like this.

[IrmaJean]

SR, I don't think the power is with the therapy itself. It's in what you do with what you learn there. It's hard work and you'll need to be committed to it. Therapy won't erase the web sites. It may help you learn the skills to not focus on this so much. The idea is to give you the power to control how you manage different situations. Healing potential is within you, SR. You can do this. I do hear much more self awareness and direction in your post. A great place to start. Learning to love ourselves is key. I'm working on that too. I wish you well, SR. Take care.

[soregretful]

Is it possible that this is just about speedos and not kids? I mean I don't look at kids sexually, I'm just scared. I want to get into good therapy because I'm getting a refund. I don't want this to define me. I need help. I am afraid of being alive!

[soregretful]

I just wish I knew what to do.

Everyone I have told about this says healing has to come from within. I don't get it. How could I ever forgive myself for this when I was the one that caused it? I am just very uncomfortable all the time! There are no words I could ever say to communicate how sorry I am about all of this. It's like everywhere I turn is a dead end. I wish I was a better person, but I think that permanent damage is done. I don't know how to live with this!