Almost 18

[mscat]

My son will be 18 years old in August> I raised him on my own since he was born. He has autism with cognitive delays. I know that he is going to be living with me for a long time because he has a mind of a child , the body of an adult male. Where did the time go? I am now feeling so old . It is depressing. Kids grow up and usually leave the home... My son , he will need assistance the rest of his life. He is high functioning despite his disabilites. I ought to be grateful he is higher functioning . I am . But struggle to move with time.

My son wants things, like a drivers liecense.... He can't have that. It hurts to see him feel bad. I still go into protective mode , as his mom. He really does not have any big problems or anything . Just the disabilites . But, I am not going to hold him back . If he wants to work when older , or do other grown up activites then that is fine. As long as I know he will not get hurt. That is what I fear. He is a good person, very nice boy , with a big heart .

[finding my way]

You have a lot to be proud of, mscat. He is a very well-loved young man .

[mscat]

For the last few days he has been a nightmare. Has these little temper tantrums whenever he does not get his way:mad: Tries to run off, throws stuff accross the room , door slamming , all that crap. Tonight I went off on him. Just screamed and yelled. Ya, I made it worse. But, hell i can only take so much. It was over the smallest thing too. Now I have to apoligise. It is wrong and it sucks that his behavior is that of a younger child. He does not know how stronghe really is, he is bigger then me. I will not be able to control him if he really went off. He could hurt me without even knowing it. I feel like a terrible mother , I wish he stop. Having these crying moments too. Something is bothering me . Not my son, something else. Depression, anger, explosive > then it is over. only for it to began again later.

[Verbally abused?]

Hang in there Mscat, I know that sometimes, what others think doesn't matter..

I KNOW that it takes a very SPECIAL person with a HUGE heart to parent children with special needs of any type. Even those parents that have kids with downs sydrome are way way bigger than I could ever picture myself being!

[danni]

mscat,

You've done a phenomenal job in raising your son. It is no small task!! I just wonder if there is any support for YOU in dealing with his behavior/tantrums. I'm concerned about your well being too

[mscat]

Thank you for the support. I do not get much of that. no I do not have much help with my son. But, struggle all the time internally with other demons from my past and present. Obviously I can't talk about that stuff at home. I just try and deal with my son. He has been giving me a lot of grief lately. Mainly because he can't get his way. I did lose it , and started screaming .. no I am far from perfect as a parent. I think it was the stress build up and I finally lost my temper too. My son he just would throw something and then slam the bedroom door , he does not want to be near me when I finally have a temper tantrum too, do not say I blame him ! After it is all over I have to speak to my son, apolgise. Only to see him start laughing . Silly kid.

it can be hard for the both of us. my son and I can collide badly. it is more chalengin now that he is older. Because he is grown up, and behaves like a child. That is the most chalenging. I am glad when he goes to school. Finally peace. Let his teachers and assistants deal with him. My saving grace. Does that make me a bad parent? i do not think so. I need space, he needs space away from me as well. Holly crap, if my son ever physically got pissed off then he could hurt me. I know this, so I try to be laid back and patient. But, enough already. It really is not all that fun to deal with a 17 yr old almost 18 yr old young man who thinks that the most funniest word is poop. Give me a break...

And this is a kid who is high functioning, but mature level NO. Emotionally a 17-18 yr old ? No . Bigger them me , yes, stronger then me, YES. He does not need to know that, I am scared . If he really wants to harm me he could. I should not make him upset or angry. I usually go with it . Keep him calm . Because , if he ever figures it out , i'll be in a whole world of pain.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi mscat,

Of course, all of us are wonderful parents and we never make mistakes.

Where has the time gone? Judging from the lack of hair on my head, all I know is that it has gone.

You know, you really have done a great job, made even more remarkable by the fact that you had to do it alone. It is no mystery to any of us why you get depressed, angry and frustrated.

Are you doing any better at getting out of the house and at talking to people?

I know from your past postings that its difficult for you.

Allan

[Verbally abused?]

I forgot what I was gonna say. Boo!

[mscat]

No better getting out of the house, lately have been going through these crying spells. It is amazing that I have raised my son on my own , with all the issues that I personally have it is DIFFICULT. Then to turn around and try to give my son attention , meet his needs , and keep him calm. Well laely he has been behaving like a spoiled 2 year old, and taking his anger out on me. Not fun stuff. I try to be calm so he stops, but omg, he has been terrible. I tend to try and sleep as long as possible when my kisd goes to school, it is out of town so he leaves early and gets home at 5pm. Holy crap , is all I can do to express my feelings, i am actually afraid . Afraid that my son is going to lose it and hit me one of these days. He is big. bigger then me, and really does not how strong he is.

It has been a internal fight to not self harm ... I guess ai know that it is a quick fix. Therapist is gone for a while.

Next week my kid, Matt is graduating from High School. I of course always have placed his needs before mine. And my son does not get that.

[Athena]

Mscat,

You are truly an amazing person to put his needs first, with all the pain he causes you plus having to deal with your own personal demons. Is there not some support group for parents with autism? Sounds like you could really use a break.

[mscat]

Yep , could use a 10 year break ! Thankfully , last night was great with him. He was very good. I told my son are you going to be good? or give me hell? He said he was going to be good, and by golly he was. NOW, the biggest hurdles are , getting a graduation cake, balloons. AND next week Thursday making it through graduation. my parents who do not live close to us, are coming:eek: :eek: :eek: Um , well I have issues with that plan. But, can't envite just dad , and not her:mad: She the mother does not ever go to these things, I am estranged from her and most of the family . Which I have to say was only the parents as a foster kid, Only was the parents when i behaved. I became very rebillious at 16, then taken and placed in mental hospitals... By age 18 the "parents" moved out of the state, leaving me to be placed in a group home. The ED got way out of control there, but every time I dropped weight , was hospitalized. SO when i was too old for the group home the "parents" sent for me. Still ED , it only got extremely worse.

The parents are not my parents.... Having to face them and go out to eat, really? Hell I could ditch them?

holly crap, next week will be interesting. Oh I ought to add that they shower my son with attention now. It sucks. I moved to get away from them into a tiny town nearly 8 yrs ago. The farther away the better. NOW this is like facing my demons straight on . I RATHER DIE. but can't.... Have a special needs son, of course his needs come first. So i am left exhausted, beat down and very sad.

[Athena]

Sorry your "family" makes you so sad. I had an "outwardly" pretty normal family. Although all my life they ignored, belittled and neglected me. They really weren't the least interested in what I had to say. From the age of six I thought I was boring, odd, worthless, unwanted. And yet - I thought I was in a normal family. Didn't blame them for anything. Didn't have the foggiest clue that they weren't anything but the most perfect parents. In my head, I was the problem. OK, so my Mom drank a bit too much - who doesn't? Anyway, all three of us siblings have or had eating disorders. Two of us have depression. One of us has both of those plus morbid obesity, OCD, ADD, diabetes, and a number of other things that require a dining room table to dispense all the medications. Anyway, that's not me. I suppose i can be thankful for that. So, perhaps it's not my fault how I turned out.

Anyway, in a weird, twisted sort of way, at least everybody can have compassion for you. You've been through a lot, none of it your doing. Nobody will have high and mighty expectations of you. You will not be called upon to be superwoman and be all things to all people. Just you and your son. He may be a handful....but it could be worse.

[mscat]

One of my biological brothers depends on me. He gets so angry when he can't get a hold of me on the phone. For the last while I have become very recusive , avoiding nearly everything in the outside world. Lock myself in my place.... I am most happiest then. Even my son who has autism wants to go out more then i care to. SO I am forced to do so, and this is a terrible feeling. Seems like each day I become more shut out , and crave everything diappear , left alone, not bothered , ect. It is a lot easier to disappear in a tiny rual town. my saving grace is that my kid is not home most of the time during the weekdays. It is a godsend. Especially now that he is going through the terrible 2's. A young man going through the terrible 2's.... NOW that sucks. Can't leave him at my brothers. Because he is teased... And does not understand that my brother just does it because he can... His cousin has been really mean to him before.. So he never wants to go over there. I can't say I do not blame him . I am supportive towards my son , we do have each other, their might be a time where my son wants to be more independant, but for now he wants to stay with me.

[Athena]

I have a brother like that. Then in my hour of need, he abandoned me. So I told him never, ever to call or e-mail me again. That was yesterday.

[mscat]

I have a brother like that. Then in my hour of need, he abandoned me. So I told him never, ever to call or e-mail me again. That was yesterday.

Sometimes this is the best way to handle things. Especially if the family member keeps dragging you down to your knees. Yougot to take care of yourself first, and if the family member only calls for support, and then never helps you feel better, then I thimk it is ok to cut off all ties.

Well I really had to push myself today... Fells like shit though i made it . Took my kid to the carnival, outside of town, and all by myself:eek: BAD IDEA. We had to walk a mile because of the parking, then To see the hundreds of people. Just way to much for me to handle. And now I just think i am weak. I sat there on the picninc tables , and just gave in. I allowed my kid to go off to the rides , with his ticket book. All the rides were confined to one area, thankfully. it took more then 2 hours for my son to ride and the rides and finish the ticket book. I really tried to drown out all the noise and activity. I heard myself say over and over, I rather die then go through this torture... It was torture considering that my days are at home, in the dark where it is nice and relaxing. I called my brother and the first few words were what's wrong? I did not even have to tell him, he KNEW something was up. Just like the time I had to take my son to Disneyland, I was so upset, and cried hard. These places I cannot deal with very well at all. DAMN , I put myself in this kind of position for the sake of my kid. NO i was not nice going there, and said a lot of crap, yet in the long run I survived , and now we are both safe at home. YAY.

[Luna-]

Well done for giving him this, mscat. Did he enjoy the day?

[mscat]

Well done for giving him this, mscat. Did he enjoy the day?

He absolutely loved it. It was only a miserable experience for me. Go figure. I knew it was going to be a chalenge though, but was not aware just how much it was going to be. I let him also go to get a pizza and bread sticks , so he was thrilled. Today has been a better day . Matt is nice and calm . Thankfully he is not chalenging me. Tommorow he has the day off from school , then on Tuesday , Wednesday is a shorter day. Then School is over. He graduates on thursday evening. My parents want to see that, Now Again this is going to be difficult. The crowd, noises , and the stress dealing with the folks. They do not live around here, so i have to try and be nice. They are doing it becasue MAtt told them and asked if they could go. Lucky me. But really i have to continue to let myself know it is always for MAtt. nobody else. I do tend to have to safrifice so much just for the sake of my son.

[Athena]

Mscat,

Do you get any joy out of being there for your son? What happens when he graduates?

[mscat]

Mscat,

Do you get any joy out of being there for your son? What happens when he graduates?

It has been really difficult , because it is so hard to get out of the house. When their are large crowds , and a lot of people, it is very hard not to zone out. That is the primary issue when taking my son to places.

Yes I like it when he is happy , it is great to see him so excited . It is not like I do not find joy in my son ... It is all the other stuff that goes along with it. Of course i am happy to see my son happy.

After he graduates, he a a couple week off. Then starts summer school on the 13th, but that only lasts for a month. He will began a adult living program in August, this is a part of the school system, he can stay there until age 22. Because he is "special needs" the law is that young adults stay in a program until 22 yrs. old. After that he can go to a voc. rehab.

[Athena]

Yes I like it when he is happy , it is great to see him so excited . It is not like I do not find joy in my son ... It is all the other stuff that goes along with it. Of course i am happy to see my son happy.

I can understand this. Kind of sounds like what I go through with my kids - they are not autistic but they have their emotional problems.

After he graduates, he a a couple week off. Then starts summer school on the 13th, but that only lasts for a month. He will began a adult living program in August, this is a part of the school system, he can stay there until age 22. Because he is "special needs" the law is that young adults stay in a program until 22 yrs. old. After that he can go to a voc. rehab.

So at least he will not be full time day and night with you. It seems you have a lot of free time. Are there any activities that you enjoy that you do for yourself?

[mscat]

He is out of school for nearly 2 weeks before summer school. But , he has been acting good these past few days, thankfully ! I have my own little routine that I follow. Getting up in the morning, having my coffee, while using the computor. Turning on these court TV shows. Keeping it to a quiet level. Sometimes I will leave the door opened with the screen door. But if it is too bright I close it, then it is really dark. I have a huge TV, And like to turn it on while I am doing other things, because it is the noise that makes me feel less alone. I have a couple of small dogs to keep me company too, one who is a really good watch dog. I do not use a home phone , but have a cell phone i will turn that on, but sometimes will not. I do not like much chit chat. I am super quiet, and rarely go out alone . I have a lot of medications I am suppose to take too. But, even so . Daily routines can become tedious.

My son is graduating this evening from High school. He envited my parent to come. :eek: Problem is that the "mother" is to show up too. I have not had to seen her in years. This is a real touchy subject for me, but AGAIN, I have to focus on my son. I seriously cannot wait until this is over! Then I can get back to what is important. My biological brother will not go now, becasue "they" are coming. He does not like them either.I rather have my Bro attend then these people. Yes, they are considered my "foster" parents. Not real parents. Never have had a stron connection with them anyway. They were abusive.Makes it hard. Now days they fall all over my kid. LIke they give up on me, and focus on my kid. My kid is very impressionable. Makes it hard.

[Athena]

Yes, they are considered my "foster" parents. Not real parents. Never have had a stron connection with them anyway. They were abusive.Makes it hard. Now days they fall all over my kid. LIke they give up on me, and focus on my kid. My kid is very impressionable. Makes it hard.

I find people tend to be nice to kids who are not their own. Even if they were not nice to you. It think it's because they are in control. The kids don't talk back to them and if they are loud or annoying, they just leave and hand them back to you. My family was/is like this. One Christmas I showed up without my kids. I felt like I wasn't welcome, like I had no reason being there. On the other hand, sometimes they ignore my kids or complain to me when they act up. I actually find that worse because I feel bad for my kids. Either way, you feel bad for yourself OR your kid. I think you are right to stay away from them - good for you. But I think maybe you could try to find another 'family'. I think it's hard on a person to be alone so much. I think we all need to find something meaningful - whether it's something we do or somebody we love. (talking to both of us:)).

[mscat]

Thank you for the wonderful feedback Athena. It does make sense. My son had his grauation last night. The family which I wrote about was there. Just the parents and a nephew. We met at a Pizza Parlor, and then went to my child's graduation. They traveled over 4 hours one way to see us. It was strangley uncomfortable. I did not recognize the mother. She is now really thin. I have not seen her in years. But she wa slow key now. I had really nothing to worry about. She is not a threat to me anymore.

I am not sure if it is about them being nicer to me now becasue i am not their own. But, they really do think my son is amazing. He is easy to manipulate. They like him a lot better then me. And these are the same mother who told me to get a abortion , not keep my baby either, andI was 24! not a pregnant teen or anything. But, I was in the mist of a very bad ED , and that was the concern . But, I straightend up gained over 60 pounds to have a healthy baby. My father did help me. By gettting me my first apt. on my own and being there when the baby was born. He did not judge me. Even though the mother did and a foster sister, they both treated me like shit. I think their religious values were getting in the way. The foster sister is so m uch like the mother. It was a bad time. Some friends gave me a baby shower from the same religion as them, and they refused to go. Even the extended family gave me a lot of money to help, and the Mother did not allow me to have it. Anyway , that was years ago . Now they can't get enough out of my child , who I raised all by myself all these years . It is B.S. Still resent them . They are just "too Perfect" . It is actually hilarious now. I have tattoos all over my left arm , a eyebrow piercing too, I am overweight as well. I could not be any more different from them . I am not affected by them anymore and learned to make my own choices without any infuence from them. I think they learned the hard way about me . They are unable to control my decisions and I am going to do what I do without them trying to tell me. I love my tatoos , And never regret having them. On both sides of my neck I have them. But they are hidden if I wear my hair down, because my hair is super long and curly. Hell what are they suppose to think? I wonder how do they think of me now? LOL. I am certain that they are going to talk about me in a bad way among themselves. Oh well! I do not give a shit. If they do not like me . their not going to tell me. If they did I will be laughing my ass off . Im so much older and wiser now. Long gone are the days that I allowed them to control me.