What happens when you get to the point you can't function?

[Jenna520]

When I was 17, three months shy of my 18th birthday, my mother told me that she and my father had decided that they were going to sign for me to get married to my boyfriend who was 5 years older than myself. At the time, I thought nothing of it, I just saw it as an escape to freedom, so I took it. But now, four years of marriage, one divorce later, plus almost 6 years of crazy custody battles (his attempts to run my name through the mud), I look back on it with disgust. I never asked my parents once to let me get married. In hind sight, I feel like my mother just wanted me out of the house, while playing my father against me, painting this picture of me of a problem child, when in fact, I was just the opposite. Honor student, no partying, no drugs or alcohol, and I had saved myself for marriage, unlike the majority of the teenagers those days. But dad worked three jobs, and I guess he relied on mom to give him all the details on how things were running in the household while he was gone. I guess I should mention my mother is disabled, I've never gotten the exact details, I just know its anxiety or something mental. I've spent most my life thinking she can't help a lot of what she does when it comes to my mental anguish, but then again, I don't really know what to think.

When I married at 17, I went into a spiral of depression. One so bad that no one could help me. I found out the man that I had married was not at all what he portrayed himself to be. His friends were loud, belligerant, and were basically what I had kept myself away from all my life, alcoholics and dopers. I went to the doctor, because I was not able to sleep for days, I was trying to go to school, and work a part time job all at the same time. I wasn't expecting him to tell me that I was depressed. After a variety of medicines were tried, I finally found one that my body would tolerate.

4 unhappy years later, after going through hell and back, I left. I just couldn't take it anymore. He filed for divorce, and I moved back home with mom and dad.

8 months after I left, 5 months after the divorce was finalized, I met someone at work who asked me out on a date. I was so excited, but hesitant after all that I had been through. It turned out the guy that I started dating was a detective for the local city police dept, 14 years older than me, going through a divorce, had two kids, ( I had one) and would become a big part of my life.

After a year and a half, we moved in together. We became would big happy family. Then one day my daughter made the allegation against her biological father, that he had sexually abused her.

I'm assuming that I went into shock, because a lot of it is a blur. I just remember calling my live in boyfriend and telling him about what my daughter had just said about my ex husband, him coming home, and the rest is pretty much a blur. Court battles ensued, I got full custody, he went to court on criminal charges, and was found INNOCENT by lack of evidence. Which meant, I was forced to continue to allow him visitation with my daughter after such an allegation, but I believe her to this day and it's been 3 years.

Anyway, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, and ofcourse I said yes. Everything was great until one morning I woke up and literally couldn't move my hands, arms, and feet. It was like I had pulled every muscle in my body, and some parts of me were rigid. I'll never forget it. It was the scariest and most painful thing I had ever experienced. But I was left alone the whole day by myself, when I couldn't even hold something in my hand, let alone, eat! I stayed like this for four or five days, I went to the hospital, they ran some x-rays, asked me about Multiple Sclerosis, Lupis, and Rhumatiod Arthritis, gave me some medicine, and sent me on my way with really no answers at all.

Two months went by, he accused me of being on drugs, kicked me out even though I voluntarily went and got a drug test and passed. Eventually he tells me he can't be with a "cripple" and if he wants to do things like go to the beach or something to that affect, he wants to be able to do it without having to worry about taking care of someone. So there I was, homeless, sick, heartbroken to say the least..... and basically, I gave up or cracked somewhere in that time period.

I eventually got an apartment, but had to quit my job due to my health status. I was eventually diagnosed with Degenerative arthritis of the neck and spine- moderate to severe, a bulging disc in my neck which is pinching a nerve that affects my neck and right arm. Epstein Barr Virus or Chronic Mononucleosis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Vit. D deficiency, severe anxiety and depression, anemia, low platelet counts and so it goes.....

I've met and married a wonderful man, and had another child. It's been almost two years. We have a son who just turned one, and my daughter who is eight. Even though I can't work, even though I can't do alot of things, my husband loves me. There are alot of questions medically they must answer. Is it just a prelude to Lupis, Multiple Sclerosis, or Rhumatiod Arthritis? They think it could be, and at 27 years old, that hard to handle sometimes.

My depression overwhelms me now. I don't know which part of all this is draining the life out of me. I cry daily, I'm disgusted with the way I look, I'm disgusted with the amount of physical activity I can do, and it seems as though I get up wondering and waiting for the day to reveal the punishments it has in store for me. I stay home. Sometimes for three weeks at a time before I make a trip out to do something like grocery shopping. I send my husband most of the time. I can't think of one thing right now that I could do and actually enjoy. My memory is awful. I can't remember specifics of things that happened a few hours before, I feel awful physically with aches and pains, and I feel empty. I take anti depressants, anxiety meds, and medicine for chronic pain. I've went to psychiatrist before, but they said my depression was hereditary. I've been to three. What else can I do to put the sparkle in my eyes, for not only my sake, but my family's. Did I have a nervous break down or something? Why is it so hard for me to do simple things and to remember what happened yesterday.

I don't want my children to grow up seeing me this way. I don't want my husband to have to see me this way. I don't want to be this way, but it seems as though it's a never ending cycle. I pray for the day God will ease my emotional pain, and let me be the me I was at one time in my life. Anybody have any suggestions on ways to relieve stress, or otherwise cope with what I'm dealing with here?

[Leo1954]

Hi!

jenna520

I just read your post. For a woman your age you have been put through hell! I'm sorry with what is going on physically wrong but, I'm very impressed with the man you married and how you survived with what went on. When you went to the psych. is that all they wanted to do is just say it's genetic? She/He didn't want to discuss what & how they could help you? If you are getting that depressed and you are living your dream [married to a good man] then obviously you need some meds. to stabilize you. Can you go to a different one & tell she/he that you need help?

[Jenna520]

Thanks for the reply leo. Yes, I've been to two psychiatrist, both focusing on the fact that depression runs highly in my family. I've talked about everything in the post and all i get is the chewing on the pen look from them. No input, just a blank stare and back to asking about my basic routines. I take antidepressants, as well as anxiety medicine, and believe it or not, the one I'm on now works much better than the others I've tried.

I spoke with my husband this morning, and brought up the thought of seeking out another doctor for another opinion, and leaving out the fact depression runs in my family, to see if they will focus on what's really ailing me emotionally and mentally, instead of pinning it on heredity. He supported me 100% and kissed me on the forehead before leaving for work telling me to never think he didn't love me. (that's what I fear will happen since my depression has taken a turn for the worse and he's never seen me this bad). I feel like a part of me was lost somewhere along the way but with all the stuff I've been through, I can't pin point it. All of it was traumatic........ but nothing I consciously dwell on every day- to my knowledge.

[Leo1954]

jenna,

Good for you, as a matter of fact I switched therapists. My old one doesn't even know it I see the new therapist this Thurs. I had to it's hard but we have to think this is our lives that we are putting in their hands & they're suppose to support us not the other way around. I also have bipolar, clinical depression, & other problems it's also hereditary but don't let them sit there and stare at you tell them if you don't want to help me then I'll damn sure find someone who can. You are old enough to be my daughter & well you are as a matter of fact. Do what you think is best for you & God Bless your husband he is backing you 100% not all people have that. You have been through enough now it's your turn to let somebody take care of you. Good Luck!!!!!

[suzkatz]

I'm much older than you are and have no family. I didn't come from an ideal family situation and only after it was too late did I realize that I could have created my own family. Realistically, my created family wouldn't have been perfect -- no family is. But it would have been a place for celebrations and consolations, happiness and sadness, belonging to and launching from. I see nothing wrong with saying you should do things for your kids; it's not that old feminist selfish thing of ignoring yourself! It's doing what nature intended: propagating the universe. But since we have brains, we can see the deeper significance of family.