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My world stopped today.....


Jenna520

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Hi Jenna

I doubt any one here thinks "Sheez just get over yourself".

We are here to support you :(

Grieving is so very painful, and is something that you just can not "get over". It takes time to grieve and come to terms with loss of a loved one. :)

Take care :)

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Guilt and grief do not go well together.

It's very common to feel guilt during grief. I understand this makes things that much more painful for you, though. The road for you is bumpy and there will be ups and downs. The reminders are tough, but slowly you will come through and be able to move forward.

I know that everyone here is thinking' date=' sheez just get over yourself, maybe you're right. [/quote']

I'm not thinking that at all, Jenna. I'm hearing your pain. I have struggled a great deal with grief in the past, and most often this was grief from a loss that didn't involve a death. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. I'm sorry that it hurts so very much. :) Can you possibly call your therapist and tell him you need to see him sooner?

Is there anything I can do right now to help support you?

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A week and two days have passed since his death, there is a void there that will never ever be filled. I still can't sleep, I keep seeing him in that casket, cold, pale, gone....... It's horrible. I try to keep myself busy so that I won't think about his absence, but I'm overdoing myself. I suffer from several muscular and spinal issues along with chronic fatigue syndrome. At times I feel like I'm punishing myself, again, for not being there more often, for not saying i love you in our last phone conversation, and for missing his cookout last 4th of July.

Last night, while battling the visions that haunt me when I try to sleep, I was almost on the verge of tears when I felt a strange calm come over me suddenly. I felt as if someone was sitting right there with me. I just lay there peaceful, in a way spooked, and felt something on my forehead. I swiped at it, but then I thought about it. My brother used to kiss my forehead like that when I was little. I spoke out and said, " Charlie if you are hear, and that was you, do it again." I waited for about 5 seconds, and again I felt the same touch on my forehead. I'm convinced my brother came to comfort me last night, or maybe an angel, or maybe my brother the angel. I still couldn't sleep, but I've been on an emotional roller coaster all day so far. I'll cry one minute, laugh at some memories the next, get angry at myself another, etc. I cancelled my doctors appointment because I couldn't even find the energy to get ready to go. My dad had to go to the emergency room saturday night, which was a week anniversary of my brothers death, with chest pains. My mother called me and told me that, and my world went into another spin. They wanted to keep him for observation but he refused but there was no sign of a heartattack. I'm developing a fear of losing my mother, my father, one of my aunts, my husband, my neices and nephews, and my children. It's getting crazy. My therapist will not work me in quicker so I've got to deal with all these pent up emotions for almost another three weeks. If I tell him I feel my brother came to comfort me, he'll probably commit me to an insane asylum. I want to be honest with him with everything that I feel though so that I can get the right evaluation. My life has been run by my anxiety for the last three years anyway, so it's not like I don't have a history of anxiety, phobias, and severe depression. Now, just to find out what to do about it, and how to cope. I've got to become stronger for my children and my family. I just don't want to have to wear a straight jacket in the process. This is so exhausting and traumatic.

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Jenna, I'm so sorry you're struggling. :o Is there any way you might get some time out with a supportive friend? Perhaps getting a breather from the intensity of this would offer some relief. Maybe you could take some peaceful time to yourself and do something relaxing. I hope you are able to feel some serenity soon.

Take care, Jenna.

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Thank you for your kindness IrmaJean. I'd love to be able to just take a breather, but my best friend started a new job a few days ago so by the time she gets home bless her heart, she's exhausted. On top of that she has to keep tabs on her husband so that he doesn't go blow money on lottery tickets or pills because he's an addict. Then ofcourse she has three beautiful kids, one of which is 6 months old and they have yet to diagnose him with anything. He has a feeding tube, he's had stomach surgery, he doesn't have control of his head, and his muscles are really weak. They've tested him for muscular distrophy and a list of other things but they just cant find the cause. He is so small. He's the size of 3 month old. She has so much going on now, though she does call me atleast twice a day to check in on me.

Do you know that my in-laws haven't even called me to send me their condolences? That's like a slap in the face, especially since my father-in-law is a preacher! But not one phone call.

My neighbors, my parents, and my best friend are the only ones that have really been there for me. I'd love to hear from my nieces and nephews, or my sister in law, or even some of Charlie's friend, better yet, my aunts and uncles, but no one.

There are a few things that keep me going at this point. My mother is a good christian lady, a woman of God. She has been so strong through out this whole situation. But she knows my brother, too a God loving individual, is now in heaven, and she will see him again someday. My dad is doing better than I thought, so that's a relief. And ofcourse my children's smiling faces give me comfort. My oldest really understands what I'm going through, and bless her heart, she knows just the right times to say something that eases me. She can tell when I'm struggling, which is amazing because I try so well not to let it show. But she knows. She's only 8. But she tells me things the way she see's it, even though she's taking it hard to, and it soothes my heart. Thing is, I have to send her to her dads the first two days of every week and get her back on the third because we share custody. Her being gone is really hard. But she wrote me a little note this morning which lifted my spirits.

I miss him so much. Time will heal me, that's what I tell myself, that's what people tell me, but time is going backwards it seems. I'm just waiting........ and waiting.

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Jenna, that's so sad about your friend's baby. I hope the doctors find out what is wrong.

The wisdom of young children is truly amazing sometimes, isn't it? They're so pure and giving. I'm glad you and your daughter can comfort one another through this.

Time will heal me' date=' that's what I tell myself, that's what people tell me, but time is going backwards it seems. I'm just waiting........ and waiting.[/quote']

Maye it's not time itself that heals, but rather that time offers the medium that allows us to feel, process, and work through our emotions and find a place of comfort and acceptance. This loss is very recent and your emotions are still very strong and erratic. Be patient with yourself, gentle, accepting...

How are you feeling today, Jenna?

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Hi hon. Thank you for asking about me. My day was disappointing and the same as far as the grief goes. I went to my family physician today, hoping for a little help with my anxiety, depression, and my inability to sleep. She wanted to add wellbutrin to my regimen but I've taken it before and it actually made my depression worse. I asked about Abilify and she told me my therapist would have to change any of my medicines. But my therapist appt. is not until the 23rd. She gave me something to help me sleep but the office never called it in to the pharmacy, so another night of no sleep again. Irma, I try so hard to block the images I see when I lay down, of my brother laying in that casket.

They wouldn't even call to try to get me in earlier, even though they made it clear that I needed to go see him. Ofcourse I'm going to go see him, if I don't I fear I'll lose my sanity.

It's hard, Irma,..... really hard to function. I feel like my husband doesn't understand my grief. Sometimes I just need a hug, and comfort, and not from my daughter either. It's not her job.

I'm so annoyed with the fact no one has called to check on me or give me the chance to talk. Where's the support? I feel so sad... and alone. Why else would I be here?

I am numb, at a loss for words, and just...... I don't know. Thank you for sincereness.

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Hello, Jenna. I think that the suddenness of this loss, the young age of your brother, and the closeness of the relationship the two of you shared has made his death traumatizing to you on some level. I'm so sorry you are hurting this much. :( Have you tried speaking with your husband about this and asserting your needs to him? This has to be especially difficult for you to endure when you have so little support at home. I hope the phone calls you have been seeking come soon.

Take care of yourself, Jenna.

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i'd like to stimulate increased appreciation, and acceptance.

I'm not speaking to rightness, wrongness, but appreciation of one another.

What I'm imagening is the both of you, which is quite common, coming from a place of confusion. I can relate to having been where it sounds like your husband is, not knowing anybetter how to help you resist your habit or urge, (simple choice,) to continue to suffer unto yourself the focus of loss instead of choosing to value what you have, or have had.

The cost to you, healthwise, emotionwise, is extreme. This represents a huge threat to your husband. He I'm guessing is angry at himself, reflects-demonstrates it, (you take it personally, judgementally, as unsupportiveness, indifference, insensitivity, whatever,) and that is the crux of the issue. Sorry, i calls it the way i sees it.

Your husband is probably thinking, just as you are of him, why is he/she like this? why doesn't he/she think like, and be like me?

He is understandably worried sick, and wants only the best for you, and for you to 'just snap out of it,' but you resist, and insist you want others to 'sympathise' or join with understanding, accepting your seeming compulsion to grieve. He clearly sees no merit in doing that, so i would suggest exploring a more charitable attitude towards him as a starter, then explore one for yourself as well.

I wrote earlier about the widely divergent ways that different peoples can and do embrace the ineviatability of death. It is simply a choice.

The pertinent question, which choice is more useful? What is one to do when one continues to devalue, not appreciate, what they have, presentwise, or what they have had, and it continues to affect them and everyone around them? (Your husband it sounds like simply doesn't know any better. He doesn't want to encourage you continuing to devalue your present)

At what point will you choose to explore seeing your life differently, for you?

I suggest you might have some deeply entrenched beliefs, that keep you self-imprisoned in your grieving mode. When will the choice to grieve be enough?

I would think couples therapy if possible, vs further chemical straitjacketing your choices, to develope greater appreciation of your freedom and ability to choose exactly what you get emotion wise. (please recognize, and i hope resist, the extreme adverse affects of looking for magic-pill results at changing what you have to learn for yourself) love and hugs

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The only way to know what your husband is feeling right now and the only way for him to know what you are feeling is to talk with him about this...listen to his feelings and express yours. Communication is very important. Open the lines and start talking. Good luck, Jenna.

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Grief is not a choice, it's a reaction, one which is uncontrollable. I don't know whether to be offended by your statement, or not. I do not CHOOSE to act any certain way. This is the way my body and mind has reacted to loosing my sibling. How can grief be a choice? Why would I want to be this way? I have two kids that are my life, why would I CHOOSE to take away from them? I don't know what belief you have, but I really don't understand how a sudden, traumatic loss of a young individual is supposed to be nothing more than a mere grain of salt.

Does grieving for his children and the loss of my only sibling make me weak, or any less of a person? No, it does not. It's a natural process, one which takes time, some more than others. Your statements make me feel foolish sisgaweed.

And as far as looking for a pill cure all, I wanted something to help me sleep. I suffer from depression and a list of other things, and I felt like abilify would help my overall attitude and daily routine. It's supposed to boost your energy, and with depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue syndrome, multiple immune deficiency problems, and chronic pain caused from what they are thinking is Multiple sclerosis, I can use all the energy I can get. Just one of those diagnosis zaps me, all of them combined is very complicated to cope with. So the medicine is not for a cure all. It's to better my strength, in turn bettering my quality of life.

I just don't understand your opinion on the way "I choose to grieve". It's not a choice. How and why would it be a choice? Your post just stings a bit, that's all. Maybe I'm just sentimental about the subject, but I'm left with mixed emotions. I feel like you wrote that because your tired of my continuous posts. Are you tired of the thread? It came across rather blunt and rude, and I feel you knew that by posting "I just call it as I see it".

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To your question "Why" i wrote what I did.

I wrote from loving you, and wanting you to realize you are not a helpless victim.

What happened happened. It is ones beliefs, about how one is 'supposed' to react, or behave, that has you experiencing the quality of emotions you are, not the event.

It is perfectly ok, not wrong or right, how you are reacting.

Is it useful to believe that one has no control, that one is merely a puppet to ones reactions?

If you note: the theme of my post was:-

"i'd like to stimulate increased appreciation, and acceptance.

(about the heading of this,) Death, grieving, and relationships.

(To which you obviously are distressed.

Would it have been more useful to merely side in more supportively with your continuing distress, agreeing that no one else 'seems to care', (enough to suffer as you are,) about your brother or his children?

It may seem like our reactions are uncontrollable, but the fact is they/we are.

We continue to operate/react, according to the beliefs we hold as to how to best take care of ourselves. Think about it, will you?

This is not about blame. Blame has no place in my make-up of relationships. Each and all of us have choices. Choosing to deny we have choices, is also a choice :( Wishing you increased focus on interpretations that fascilitate your experiencing happiness and well being.....for you, and your family circle. ...love and hugs always.....bw

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I just don't see how it is a choice to grieve. People have different opinions and I respect an that. I just have no belief that one would choose to self destruct. If grieving is a choice when I believe it's a natural uncontrollable reaction, then is pain a choice of focus if your leg gets cut off?

If it was just so simple to flip the on/off switch on our emotions, this world would be heaven all in itself, would it not? Would there even be a need for this forum if that were the case? Just out of curiosity, is mental and emotional disabilities and ailments a choice too?

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Grieving is a process that takes time. Everyone walks on their own path and has their own ways of coping and fighting their way through to finding a place of serenity and healing. There can be times when something stops us and keeps us stuck in a painful place. I would see this as a sign to explore where this is coming from. It's good to listen to your feelings in this. Grief can bring up so many reminders about past losses, and anxieties, fears...

I lost a friend some years back (not to death) and ended up in therapy when I couldn't get out of the grief. There was so much behind the loss in addition to the loss, losses within the loss, so many parts of myself that needed to be expressed and heard, and other parts that needed to be attended to that dealt with my past. It's important to keep talking and expressing your feelings. With this loss being traumatic and fresh, your feelings need a voice. Let them flow, Jenna, and listen to your heart. I think the key (once again) is balance. Breathe with your feelings, but don't allow the grief to swallow you. I know this can be very challenging. There may be times when it does, but if you are able to wade through and keep yourself afloat, this too will pass. Self-care is important as this can also take a toll on your body. Nurture yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle, forgiving, kind and loving with yourself. Know that hope and light lies ahead. And always remember that you carry your love with you always.

Jenna, how are you feeling?

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Jenna,

I fully agree with you that grieving is not a choice. It is real and natural reaction to the loss of a loved one. Generally speaking, it takes about a year to gradually and slowly for a grieving person to feel fully better. By feeling better, I don't mean that you will no longer think about your brother but that you won't feel the sting of grief so strongly. So, don't be surprised by your grief feelings about your brother. Grief does not suddenly disappear.

Also, please know that grief is a very healthy thing to go through. It helps us get through the loss of someone we love and to slowly let go. Again, letting go is not forgetting and is not voluntary. The entire thing is gradual. I guess my bottom line is to not feel bad about feeling bad.

Allan

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Jenna, I was thinking of you, and I hope that you are doing okay.

I wanted to share this video with you. This is a song by my favorite singer, and there is some talking in the beginning, but the song itself is about loss and staying connected to our loved ones through loss. I've always found it very comforting and soothing, so I thought to share. Wishing you serenity today, Jenna.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uIQp9Dqcrw

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  • 4 weeks later...

The pain doesn't ease after a month, that's a given. Went to see my therapist, again I hear the hereditary speech- never even asked me about my past. He asked me about my childhood, but that's it. Does things not happen after childhood that could affect you for the rest of your life?!

Say hypothetically, you married a complete jerk for four years and went through hell with the abuse before having the guts to leave? How about fighting a battle in court and losing when your child comes to you with accusations that their father molested her??? Yet the jerk wouldn't take a lie detector test? Hmmm?! Oh wait, then maybe spending three years of your life with someone, just days from saying "I do" and they tell you they can't be with a "cripple"? Or maybe having to quit your job, not being able to work, because of health problems that are a mystery for three years?

Oh, but the depression, it's just hereditary....... bull!

I have gone through hell this last month. The things that come out once someone is gone. Come to find out, my brother was addicted to prescription pills, everyone knew, except my Dad and myself. Dad still doesn't know. My mother was an enabler to my brother. I can't get the toxicology reports because they go to his wife, and to hear her tell it, they are not back yet. But I called, they did tell me they were in, I just can't get the results.

Basically what happened, some friends were in from out of state, they all partied and no telling how long my brother was dead before they noticed. It was a heart attack, but caused by prescription meds and alcohol. I'm angry, ...... very angry..... and it's eating me from the inside out. I'm angry with my mother for hiding this dirty little secret when something could have been done. I'm angry for my brother for having the habit. I'm angry at myself for not seeing it. I thought he just liked to drink. That's what I get for thinking.

He knew I didn't like the drinking, I told him several times that I wish he would stop, I guess that's why he didn't come around much for the last years of his life. He didn't want to hear my "nagging".

How could I not have seen that he was killing himself with a habit? After stories have changed, and getting different accounts from what happened that fateful night and morning, I had to piece it together to find out some of what happened. The full truth will never be known, not by me. How can I get past this when I'm so full of anger toward my mother, my sister in law, and some others, and most of all, myself. I feel so stupid. I was his sister, I should have seen it.

My sleep will forever be haunted, my life will forever be plagued with this darkness that will not go away. Blame and anger have consumed me. It's made me physically ill.

It hurts... hurts bad.

How do you even begin to find to place to try to start to recover from this. What to do now?

I'm not giving up on my therapist just yet. I've got another appointment in a couple of weeks, so maybe I'll just go in and spill out my whole life story in thirty minutes, instead of giving him a chance to talk. Give him something to think about, see that up until here recently, I've dealt with my depression and anxiety just fine. It didn't interfere with my life so much. The last few years have been a rapid decline. When, where, and why did it happen? Heredity??? That's crap.....

Sorry for my rant

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Hi Jenna,

Dont be sorry for your rant. A good vent once in a while does you good - just to get it all "out there" rather than keeping it pent up inside. So rant away hun, if thats whats needed - were listening :)

I dont know how you are going to get over your anger, frustration about your brother. But in time it will ease. When sis killed herself, I had so many questions, so much guilt, that I wasnt able to help her enough to keep her safe, from herself. And I was very angry too - for various reasons. But mostly, mostly it was just such severe pain from losing her.:)

Some therapists Ive seen over the years seemed to want to concentrate more on my childhood, rather than things that happened later in life. Maybe its just the way they were tought their proffession and it is just standard practice - I dont know. But you are in control of what you want to talk about during therapy - something that took me years to eventually work out. After all your paying them for the service they provide. :)

Give this therapist a chance, if its not helpful to you, get a different one. There are many therapists out there, sometimes you just need to find the right one for you.

Take care

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Jenna, it's very good to hear from you.

I hear that you are angry. It's good that you are in touch with and expressing your feelings. Keep talking about all of this and keep expressing how you feel. I'm sorry that there were family secrets around your brother that you were unaware of. :) That must be confusing for you. Is your husband being more supportive to you now, Jenna? can you talk with him about how you've been feeling?

I'm surprised your therapist mentioned depression being hereditary. This may be true, but I'm not sure how your awareness of this help you cope right now? :confused: Does he know that your brother just died and that you are grieving? It's good to keep going and talking about this, though, Jenna. If you are feeling angry about the therapist bringing this up, express that to him. Keep talking about everything. Keep writing. I'm sorry everything is so painful and difficult.

Take care.

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Thanks girls, I appreciate your words of kindness and understanding. It's a breath of fresh air for me, for I do not have anyone to talk to about this matter. I can't talk to my mother, because everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie, I can't talk to my dad because he doesn't know the circumstances and I honestly think it's best that way for his sake. He's not strong enough to take that kind of news. As far as my husband goes, I can talk to him one day and then the next day it's different. I think he's tired of hearing about it, I honestly don't know.

I'm sorry about your sister, by the way. That's an unimaginable hurt. In a way I feel my brother did take his life.... after all, he had the hand that fed the habit to stop his heart.

I know this may sound ludicrous but one of the things that stands out with my anger is the fact that he passed away the day of my son's first birthday party. He was supposed to attend that afternoon, so in my mind I'm thinking to myself how selfish and irresponsible it was to party to the wee morning hours of the day of my sons first birthday. Was he going to show up with a hang over?? We ended up not having a first birthday at all. It took me a while to even let him open the presents and to take and put the decorations away. I just couldn't handle it.

Independence day was an absolute heart wrenching day. The very last time we spoke, we had made plans for fireworks at his workplace, which was at a resort down by the lake. Ofcourse I let off fireworks for my children and tried my best not to cry, but with every explosion of sparks, I was dying inside.

I visited his grave that day, and placed three flags by his stone, one from me, one from my daughter, and one from my son. That wasn't the fourth of July we had planned. But I kept my word that I would visit with him on that day, and I did.

I must look like a fool talking to his stone. I'm sure people are throwing me some awkward looks. One day I sat down next to it as if I was sitting next to him. This was the closest I could get to him and that's the way it's going to be forever, because of his choice. I can't touch him, I can't hug him, I can't see him. All I can't do is outline his name on his stone with my fingers, and talk to the ground.

I'm sorry, I'm extremely emotional this morning. I can barely see the screen through the tears. I don't want to be angry anymore, but that's not enough to stop the anger. I pray for a change, acceptance of what happened, and the strength to overcome this.

Though it makes me sick to keep something from my dad, especially of this magnitude, I will keep my mouth shut for his own well being. He really could not handle this.

As for my therapist, he's gonna hear everything that has ailed me in the last 27 years whether he wants to hear it or not. I'm tired of hearing the hereditary reasoning. I've heard it before. I'm battling this with everything I have. I have a life to live, a family to enjoy, and things to do in my life. I'm not letting depression, anxiety, or grief, for that matter, hold me down any longer.

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I know this may sound ludicrous but one of the things that stands out with my anger is the fact that he passed away the day of my son's first birthday party. He was supposed to attend that afternoon, so in my mind I'm thinking to myself how selfish and irresponsible it was to party to the wee morning hours of the day of my sons first birthday. Was he going to show up with a hang over??

It doesn't sound ludicrous, Jenna. Of course you wanted your son's day to be special and it hurts to think this wasn't respected.

We ended up not having a first birthday at all. It took me a while to even let him open the presents and to take and put the decorations away. I just couldn't handle it.

This is perfectly understandable under such painful circumstances. You did what you had to do in order to survive. That's taking care of your needs.

Ofcourse I let off fireworks for my children and tried my best not to cry' date=' but with every explosion of sparks' date=' I was dying inside.[/quote'']

I'm sorry for your pain, Jenna. This must be so very hard. :) I'm listening.

I visited his grave that day' date=' and placed three flags by his stone, one from me, one from my daughter, and one from my son. That wasn't the fourth of July we had planned. But I kept my word that I would visit with him on that day, and I did.[/quote']

This was a very thoughtful way to remember him, Jenna.

I must look like a fool talking to his stone. I'm sure people are throwing me some awkward looks. One day I sat down next to it as if I was sitting next to him. This was the closest I could get to him and that's the way it's going to be forever' date=' because of his choice. I can't touch him, I can't hug him, I can't see him. All I can't do is outline his name on his stone with my fingers, and talk to the ground. [/quote']

I hear your pain and my heart goes out to you. I hope that you can be gentle with yourself and not judge yourself in this. there is a need for connection and you are finding your way. I hope you are able to find some comfort in this.

I'm sorry' date=' I'm extremely emotional this morning. I can barely see the screen through the tears. I don't want to be angry anymore, but that's not enough to stop the anger. I pray for a change, acceptance of what happened, and the strength to overcome this.[/quote']

Emotions can be very strong and erratic. There is no need to apologize, Jenna, for your feelings. They simple are...Perhaps allowing them to flow and feeling them now will keep you moving forward in this. I know that doesn't make this any easier for you. :) It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to be sad. Acceptance will come, Jenna, one day. Keep listening to your heart and talking about your feelings.

Though it makes me sick to keep something from my dad' date=' especially of this magnitude, I will keep my mouth shut for his own well being. He really could not handle this.[/quote']

I'm sure you are doing what you feel is best.

As for my therapist' date=' he's gonna hear everything that has ailed me in the last 27 years whether he wants to hear it or not.[/quote']

That's what he is there for.

I have a life to live' date=' a family to enjoy, and things to do in my life. I'm not letting depression, anxiety, or grief, for that matter, hold me down any longer.[/quote']

I hear your determination, Jenna. Good for you! Take gentle care of yourself.

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Hey, (with love and respect.) Yes, it is a 'trip'

He is 'there,' and you are here, the relationship doesn't end, it simply changes, transmutes.

By all means maintain your ongoing relationship, trusting his eternal presence, he's simply existing at a different dimension....one that we humans are somewhat limited in our ability to perceive or to appreciate. What do you suppose he would want you to do, now that the relationship has changed somewhat? hugs bw

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