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DrPepper

I Think I'm A Pedophile.

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Hello everyone,

I know this issue is brought up here a nice bit, but I've decided to make an account and share my story.

I'm 16, and I think I might have some traits of a pedophile. I feel ashamed for admitting this, but I don't know where else to turn. The mainstream views on pedophilia are that "pedophiles should be shot." This is pure ignorance, but I guess it is the fault of the media for aligning "pedophile" with "child rapist." There is some reasoning behind this I guess, because I would imagine a larger percentage of pedophiles molest children than straight/gay people rape adults. However, its the isolation that makes me feel horrible. That has improved obviously, due to places such as this forum that house similar stories to mine.

Anyways, on with my story. Like I've mentioned in the New Members section of the forums, ever since Grade 6, my social life hasn't been the greatest. Thats over with now thankfully, as I finally have a good group of friends. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac (maybe more than a bit), and I had an anxiety attack in December which involved me getting brought to the hospital. (I thought I was having a heart-attack :) ) I was back and forth to doctors and a therapist for a few months, but thankfully that's (almost) over with as well.

I'm now 16, and in 10th Grade. When I was 13/14ish, due to my social issues going on at the time, I spent a lot of time on the internet. I was introduced to an online imageboard site which has CP uploaded to it from time to time. I was kind of young at the time, and still developing my views on who I am, and justice, and that sort of stuff. I viewed the CP, and masturbated to it, on maybe, 15 different occasions(?), in the run of about 1 year. I didn't think much of it at the time. I think my view was something along the lines of "its posted here, other people post it, it must be normal." (Like I said, I was young and naive.)

Over the course of a few weeks, almost exactly one year ago from today, I realized that this wasn't normal, and I stopped viewing it for risk of being arrested. One year later, I am still scared by this thought, and I worry nearly every day, if the police will knock on my door the next morning. Some weeks this thought is gone, some weeks I'm utterly depressed about it. No clue why this changes from week to week. Although, I am happy to say I have not viewed CP for a year, and I have no intentions of ever doing so again.

However, I know to some of you this may be sickening, but it does sexually arouse me. I contribute this to a over-sexually active childhood, although I'm not entirely sure if I'd be considered within the norm for that matter. I am sexually attracted to girls my own age too, thankfully, but I'm confused as to what extent. I'll describe how I feel as well as I can.

1. If I see a "hot" girl in public or on TV or on computer or something, it will grab my attention. I will usually check them out, if you catch my drift. It does sexually arouse me. Masturbating to girls my age/adult women feels normal, but it has almost gotten... "boring?" maybe? Actually, I don't know if it really has. But I still consider this my primary sexual attraction.

2. If I see a child in public, I pay no attention to them. To me, they are just another annoying child. However, if I see or imagine a naked child, this seems to give me an erection slightly faster than looking at a hot woman (that could just be anxiety), and I tend to orgasm quicker if I masturbate about it. It feels irregular and I feel ashamed after though.

I'll state here that I have thought about the situation a lot: I wouldn't abuse a child. I never have, either. I've been alone with children before, and the thought has arisen, not as sexual interest, but as anxiety in the form of "oh my god I'm alone with a child am I sexually aroused." Thankfully, as I said before, I haven't been sexual aroused, other than once I think, but I'm still not sure if that was anxiety or actually urges. I wouldn't act on it anyways, I think my mind has a pretty good control over itself, but I do not know if this will hold up throughout my life.

I also have some fetishes, such as bondage, incest, and some stuff like that. That seems at least somewhat normal however, as I've read other things on the internet about that, and many other people are the same way. I think I am also slightly bisexual (maybe a 1.5 on the Kinsley scale), although I don't find most men sexually attractive in public, much the same way I don't find children attractive in public. I merely fantasize every about men every once in a while.

I've also read some things from normal people, who have said they still fantasize about their childhood sexual encounters sometimes. This was one of the main things I did when I fantasized about children. I replayed childhood sexual encounters in my head. From what I got from them, it was their first sexual experience(s), and so they perceive sexual things as that, along with their attraction to adults. They don't seem bothered by this, and they don't seem to think of themselves as pedophiles.

I think the reason I am like this, is because like I said earlier, I think my childhood sexual experiences were more intense than most people's. Along with the fact that as I was entering puberty and whatnot, I came across CP by accident, and as I was still somewhat young at the time, and still attracted to "kids," this may have ingrained in my brain. I don't think I have ever been sexually abused as a child, unless it was when I was very young.

I've been having a rough time the past month or so worrying about this stuff, along with the typical teenage issues such as parents, homework, a crush, etc. My marks have been slipping and I think I may have slight depression, or atypical depression. So thank you so much for reading this. :)

-DrPepper

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Hi DrPepper ;)

Thankyou for sharing your story with everyone :D

Is anyone helping you with your depression ?

I know you say you think it is only slight, but maybe its best to seek help, to prevent your depression from worsening.

Take care

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Nah, I personally don't feel help is needed for my depression at this time. Like I said, it is on and off, some days I'm happy, some days I'm depressed. If it continues to get worse, I would definitely seek a therapist. I had one for my hypochondria issue, and saw him maybe 4 or 5 times. Once I felt I had improved enough so that I didn't need help anymore, he said that if I needed help again, I could come back.

But like I said before, I don't think the depression is bad enough to warrant a therapist. I've been coping pretty well I guess, and it's not so much just this pedophile issue that is causing it, but more-of the other things in combination. I'll give it a few more weeks, and see if I improve. I'll be sure to get help if I think it is needed. ;)

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I said it in your previous thread and I'll say it again here: It's like I'm looking in a mirror image. For the sake of my comments, I will refer to the both of us as pedophiles, though I don't know that either of us truly are.

I agree, it is very unfair for society to cast us as monsters. I can understand why people have these feelings, and I can understand why pedophiles would be much more likely to commit rape than anyone else, but that doesn't mean all pedophiles are bad. We both agree that we'd never rape a child. We know that CP is bad, and we both try (you're admittedly more successful) to stay away from it. Society's view on us has, in part, been a contributer to my depression.

First off, to help end your fear about the police discovering your actions, the chances, as of now, are pretty nonexistent. From what I understand most Internet Service Providers (ISP) delete a user's history within a few months (I've heard that it's usually 3.) That means that even if your IP address showed up in a police search, they couldn't do anything to you. In court, they'd need proof from your ISP that you viewed those sites, and that proof no longer exists. Recently, a mass file sharing lawsuit had to be thrown out of court because the ISP had deleted all of the users' history by the time the case got to court. The evidence that you ever visited that website is long gone :cool:. You said that some weeks you are really fearful, while others, you are not. Has the frequency that these fears arise subsided over time, or is it just as bad as always? Be happy that you haven't fallen into an addiction like I have. It's an extremely good sign if you've been able to go a year without having viewed any CP.

If children still arouse you, it may be due to your over-sexually active childhood, or it may be that you're being triggered. I assume you know what this means, seeing as you've come on these forums knowing more than I did. Anyway, even when I read about cases of child abuse, something I could not be more against, I become aroused because the abuse triggers me.

"1. If I see a "hot" girl in public or on TV or on computer or something, it will grab my attention. I will usually check them out, if you catch my drift. It does sexually arouse me. Masturbating to girls my age/adult women feels normal, but it has almost gotten... "boring?" maybe? Actually, I don't know if it really has. But I still consider this my primary sexual attraction."

It's funny that you bring this up. I don't know if you've been following my thread, but just earlier today, I mentioned that viewing "normal" porn just gets boring after a while. The longer I use it, the harder it is to use. However, when I've used CP or fantasized about children, it's been much easier. [removed unnecessary details]

"I also have some fetishes, such as bondage, incest, and some stuff like that. That seems at least somewhat normal however, as I've read other things on the internet about that, and many other people are the same way. I think I am also slightly bisexual (maybe a 1.5 on the Kinsley scale), although I don't find most men sexually attractive in public, much the same way I don't find children attractive in public. I merely fantasize every about men every once in a while."

I don't have any fetishes myself, but I know it's generally accepted as normal. The funny thing is that fetishes tend to "gross me out," while viewing CP for all these years hasn't. Believe me, I'm not passing judgement on ANYONE with fetishes. I also admitted earlier today that outside of pedophilia (in which I'd probably score about a 4.5 on the Kinsey scale,) I have some gay fantasies and occasionally view gay porn. I'd also rate myself about a 1.5.

"Along with the fact that as I was entering puberty and whatnot, I came across CP by accident, and as I was still somewhat young at the time, and still attracted to "kids," this may have ingrained in my brain."

Ditto.

"I've been having a rough time the past month or so worrying about this stuff, along with the typical teenage issues such as parents, homework, a crush, etc. My marks have been slipping and I think I may have slight depression, or atypical depression. So thank you so much for reading this."

Double ditto.

One last question: I'm sorry if I missed this, but were you overly anxious before this started? Do you have a history of anxiety?

DrPepper, due to the similar nature of our problems, I think we can both offer each other a lot of help and support.

Edit:

"But like I said before, I don't think the depression is bad enough to warrant a therapist. I've been coping pretty well I guess, and it's not so much just this pedophile issue that is causing it, but more-of the other things in combination. I'll give it a few more weeks, and see if I improve. I'll be sure to get help if I think it is needed."

Just be sure to monitor yourself. I started out a lot like you, and over the course of a few months, it's spiraled downward like you wouldn't believe.

Edited by IrmaJean
Removed unnecessary details, software changes made some emoticons inappropriate, removed those as well

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Well, I was always a bit anxious about things. I tend to over-play things and always picture the worst-case scenario. I think my hypochondria started when I was 13ish. I remember when I was younger too, that if I would phone one of my friends to come over to my house, and they said no, I would almost cry. No clue why. I think it was just paranoia that they didn't like me, or something like that?

It's not like severe anxiety, but it was enough to cause some troubles. Thankfully, I like to think of this anxiety as the thing that crafted my personality. I like my personality, it's one of the only things I'm fairly confident about. I like to think of myself as "above average" intelligence for my age group, as I've always been 2 or 3 years ahead of my peers in terms of knowledge on things. However, I guess my first "life issue" to balance that out has arisen as me wondering if I'm a freakin' pedophile. ;)

I always wonder, are alot of mental troubles and whatnot just a sign of high intelligence? It seems like it. A lot of the people on this forum strike me as intelligence people. To be honest, I probably wouldn't be here right now, if I had an average intelligence. That's a good thing and a bad thing. Sometimes I yearn to just be "normal" and worry about simple teenage drama and the like. Yet, other times I dream of growing up and contributing something huge to the psychology and political and sociological fields.

It just goes to show, "Ignorance is Bliss." Those words are too true.

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Well, I was always a bit anxious about things. I tend to over-play things and always picture the worst-case scenario. I think my hypochondria started when I was 13ish. I remember when I was younger too, that if I would phone one of my friends to come over to my house, and they said no, I would almost cry. No clue why. I think it was just paranoia that they didn't like me, or something like that?

It's not like severe anxiety, but it was enough to cause some troubles. Thankfully, I like to think of this anxiety as the thing that crafted my personality. I like my personality, it's one of the only things I'm fairly confident about. I like to think of myself as "above average" intelligence for my age group, as I've always been 2 or 3 years ahead of my peers in terms of knowledge on things. However, I guess my first "life issue" to balance that out has arisen as me wondering if I'm a freakin' pedophile. ;)

I always wonder, are alot of mental troubles and whatnot just a sign of high intelligence? It seems like it. A lot of the people on this forum strike me as intelligence people. To be honest, I probably wouldn't be here right now, if I had an average intelligence. That's a good thing and a bad thing. Sometimes I yearn to just be "normal" and worry about simple teenage drama and the like. Yet, other times I dream of growing up and contributing something huge to the psychology and political and sociological fields.

It just goes to show, "Ignorance is Bliss." Those words are too true.

What you're describing with your always picturing the worst possible event is called catastrophizing. I also suffer from this, though seemingly to a lesser extent than you. If you do end up in therapy (be it for depression or anything else,) be sure to ask your therapist about this and how to control it.

I agree that you exhibit above average intelligence for your age group. Hell, you seem smarter and are definitely better informed than I (not saying I'm very smart, but in eighth grade, before any of this crap caught up to me, I was considered bright.) I couldn't say whether intelligence is in any way connected to such mental health issues such as the both of us and many other members of these forums deal with. What I will tell you though, is that from the research I've seen, the majority of pedophiles tend to have lower IQs.

I wholeheartedly agree that ignorance is bliss. My friends all have higher grades than I do, but I bet they'd be scared shitless if they were caught in the same situation as either you or I are in.

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Well your first "life issue" will get you in practice for the next "life issue" that you may face, coz we all face them, as we each travel along our different paths :)

You are normal, we all are, its just that each of us has a different "normal" (does that make sense ?) Sorry cant seem to find the words I'm looking for. :D

Why label yourself, with "Pedaphile", or any other label ? A label doesnt make who you are, You are you, you are unique. Ive been given many labels, over the years, PTSD, BPD, ...... etc...... Does a few letters describe the whole me ? - does it heck as like. I am me. But unfortunately once labelled, that is all the average person sees.

Yeah, Ignorance can be bliss :)

but other peoples ignorance can be harmful. ;)

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I always wonder, are alot of mental troubles and whatnot just a sign of high intelligence? It seems like it.

It just goes to show, "Ignorance is Bliss." Those words are too true.

Sorry if this is off topic but I've heard this before and I decided to look it up.

I would posit that there is no relationship between IQ and mental illness, but there is a social bias toward perceiving one.

Since high IQ people are more likely to be high achievers, if they have problems, it gets attention. When some dumb slob kills himself nobody cares beyond his immediate contacts, but if a Nobel prize winning professor has schizophrenia, man that's news! Therefore in popular imagination it should be expected that a stereotype of high intelligence being correlated with mental disturbance would emerge.

Make sense?

If you're interested I looked for research that investigated any correlation between depression and intelligence (before I came to conclusion above). I found it hard to uncover studies investigating this question, and no clear consensus among the ones that did. For example:

1. "A number of studies showing a negative correlation between intelligence and depression" among adolescents. Researchers tend to hypothesize that higher intelligence means more ability to handle stress in creative ways.

(http://www.isironline.org/meeting/pdfs/old/program2005.pdf)

2. A study that found a positive correlation and chalked it up to more likelihood of social isolation and perfectionism.

Schuler, P. (2002). Perfectionism in Gifted Children and Adolescents. In M. Neihart, S. M. Reis, N. M. Robinson, & S. M. Moon (Eds.). The Social and Emotional Development of Gifted Children (pp. 71-79). Waco, Texas: Prufrock Press, Inc.

I also noticed that among non-scholarly fora, it was more likely for people to assume there was a positive correlation without actually referring to any statistical evidence. :confused:

------------------

I found more articles than this but in general I discovered an equal number of studies that concluded either negative or positive correlation. It is therefore difficult to imagine that depression predicts high intelligence. Too many counterexamples exist of well adjusted high intelligence people, and depressed people from all over the IQ curve.

From looking at the population differences, my guess is that if you are predisposed to depression in the first place, high intelligence will make it worse, and if you are predisposed to high emotional resiliency, then high intelligence will also push you further to that end of the curve.

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Ralph, I can't argue what you say. You've backed up your claim with evidence :D.

I don't know much about depression, but what about a correlation between other mental illnesses and IQ? From what I understand, out of many convicted pedophiles, a majority of them showed lower intelligence than an average person. Now, I can think of two possible reasons for this.

1. Many pedophiles are oftentimes believed to be on a different maturity level than other adults. Many are found to only be able to communicate with children.

2. We must take into consideration whether pedophilia is genetic. Of course, this goes back to the nature vs nurture argument. If certain genes do decide that one will be a pedophile, these same sets of genes may have certain affects on one's IQ.

Anyway, I think we should get back on topic ;).

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I don't know much about depression, but what about a correlation between other mental illnesses and IQ? From what I understand, out of many convicted pedophiles, a majority of them showed lower intelligence than an average person.

OK getting back on topic, first off these are -convicted- pedophiles. Perhaps it is their intelligence deficit that selects them for getting caught.

Secondly correlations are merely observed relationships. They do not yield information on causality nor about individual cases. For example the average family has 2.3 children. Yet no single family has exactly 2.3 children. So even if the majority of pedophiles in fact have lower intelligence, you cannot assume that a certain IQ is evidence for or against pedophilia in an individual without assuming he is necessarily in the majority. There is no ground for this, as there must be some people in the minority, even a few at extremes of both ends of the curve.

Conversely, when DrPepper suggests that "mental troubles" may be a "sign of high intelligence," I find this to be a dangerous statement. The danger is that you can steer yourself towards mental dysfunction as a means of justifying an arrogant presumption of high intelligence. Why waste any effort on developing my coping skills or self control, or challenging my cognitive distortions, when my dysfunction is a badge of genius?:) In reality, IQ is easily tested and even if there is a strong correlation between IQ and mental troubles, this tells us nothing about a single individual, only about what you can generally expect from a population.

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Without going into too much detail, here is what I propose as a solution to the issue of paedophilia:

Provided that they have not actually acted on those feelings (for example by abusing a child or downloading child pornography), people should be able to say to their doctor or psychologist that they have paedophilic feelings without fear of social ostracism. There is a big taboo over this and there is a lot of hysteria about paedophilia in society, and the best way to treat the issue is by tackling the problem in a logical, calm and non-hysterical way. That means that those with paedophilic feelings must be treated as though they have a mental disorder, and not viewed as monsters. That is the first step towards moving forward on this issue. After all, what's the worst that could happen?

Of course, there's always the counter-argument that homosexuality was viewed as a mental illness once, but there's a fundamental difference - legal homosexual acts are the choice of consenting adults. Paedophilic acts can never meet these criteria by definition.

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Im also worried I may be a pedo. I have long term mental health issues that have never been diagnosed. But for the last 6months I've been having seriously wrong thoughts for children, I can't stop it they are there all the time ancan't keepmy eyes off young girls. I don't want these thoughts I've tried to take my own life because of it but find it hard to talk about it. The sexual thoughts are there a the time. I think it maybe cos I was abused at a young age. I can't go anywhere without checking out very young girls. I even have sex with my boyfriend and the thoughts are there, it even gives me an erection thinking about it and have looked at it online. I know its wrong but can't help it my boyfriend says don't worry about it but I do. I told my doctor when I was drunk but couldn't speak about it to his face. I'm not safe around young girls but hold myself back. Me and my boyfriend sometimes take drugs for sexual reasons and it happens even more then. I had my friends daughter on my lap the other day and had sexual thoughts for her. I've never gone through with anything but have stolen my friends daughters panties but later asked myself why. My boyfriend finds it erotic but I hate it. Please help.

Earlier I couldn't keep my eyes off another friends daughter which got me a roused. Please help this isn't me

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Hi, strangone76, welcome! :) 

I see you've been suffering a lot due to this issue, but also before it even stated :( ...

7 hours ago, strangone76 said:

I have long term mental health issues that have never been diagnosed.

May I ask what are your reasons for not consulting a doctor nor a psychotherapist? Child abuse, as you probably know, has most often serious consequences (sometimes also on physical health) and a good therapy can really help. Could be this new issue, that seem to worry you quite a lot, a more effective motivation to see a professional? (Perhaps it's "a new symptom" telling you it's high time to take better care of your mental health...)

7 hours ago, strangone76 said:

I told my doctor when I was drunk but couldn't speak about it to his face.

What kind of doctor is he; a general practitioner / family doctor? How did he react? ... Talking with the doctor you've known for years about this subject is probably even more difficult than talking to someone new, someone you'd see just for your mental issues (and who won't meet you again when you're 'healed').

Your boyfriend is banalizing it which seems better than getting angry or overly worried or even disgusted, but also doesn't seem to be helping you. It would be, of course, easier if he was encouraging you to seek help and helping you with it, but in fact, you don't need his suggestion or even approval to take responsibility and try to find appropriate help for yourself. (In the end, if you get better, it would be better for him, too, after all...)

7 hours ago, strangone76 said:

Please help this isn't me

This made me think about some cases of severe personality changes in some people with some physical illnesses (for instance: https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn2943-brain-tumour-causes-uncontrollable-paedophilia/) , and then also with PODC (for instance: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/culturally-speaking/201212/could-i-be-pedophile-the-worst-kind-ocd). I don't want to scare you by brain tumors, I just think that if your change was so very sudden, perhaps checking your physical health would also be a good idea. And I also recommend you to read about the POCD to see if that couldn't be what you're in fact suffering from.

Good luck!

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