I am depressed from abuse and hide from a friend

[sadgreeneyes]

I had a childhood friend,but the latest 10 years we have not have much contact.

I cannot talk to her as I know she and her family and friends are people who like to gossip. And I have no wish to be invited to her birthday party as I struggle really much now. I am so depressed and down having been abused and still find myself in this situation, I have mostly isolated myself. I do talk to people who I feel I can trust and talk too. But thats not many.

I dont want to go to that party, she has called twice in two days but I didnt pick up the phone, I have no wish and I am so down and tired both emotionally and physically, I also sleep 12 hours every "DAY", I cant turn the day around to normal, to sleep in the night, I am thinking constantly about my situation and I never sleep more than 8 hours normally. I know it is like this because of my depression being abused. I am aching inside an open wound. I have no wish to sit there and hear their kids around and my husband has threatened me to live without kids. I just want to hide, they will see I am depressed and that something is wrong.

Another thing is that she only contacts me when its christmas and her birthday and she also invited me to her boyfriends birthday one time, and they celebrated his birthday together with the birthday to the girlfriend to my friends brother. All the couples have kids. So I must buy gifts every year to her, but I never celebrate birthday myself. I feel that its not fair I always give her birthday gift when I never celebrate myself.

What shall I do? I feel too down to go and I feel uneasy not to answer her, but I also feel I have right to draw back. But I cant say the reason to her.

Any advice what to do? mostly I just want to ignore the calls and be by myself because I really need it.