Insert Your name here??

[Jenna520]

Dear Charlie,

Another typical weekend.... it's all I can do to survive the weekends anymore. I miss you terribly. I've thought about you all day today. Tried to call to speak to your daughter but no one answered the phone... made me really sad. Seeing you in your children always makes me feel better.

Things are not going any better for me. Things are so hectic. Mom and Dad have completely disowned me because I choose to believe the autopsy findings. They are making plans to move out of state. They say home reminds them of you. I don't understand how they are thinking. I tried to be comforting to them, I put my own grief on the back burner to be there for them, I listened to them, I did all I could do, but denial has gotten the best of Dad and mom will lie about the addiction she knew you had for eternity. Dad chooses to believe her. Dad repeatedly talks to my husband about how disrespectful I am because I believe the autopsy. I believe you died of an accidental overdose, no foul play. Believing that has had it's consequences, leaving me alone. I find it disrespectful that my parents can call my husband and talk about me and he listens. I don't feel I have his support either. I'm tired of hearing him threatening to leave too. I went to my daughter's book fair and her daddy showed up when I didn't know he was going to be there, and he threw an awful fit when I got back home. Threatened to leave, and said so many hurtful things to me. I'm overwhelmed.

I feel as though I'm just waiting for the day that the last person I have, which is him, will leave me standing alone too. I just can't figure it out, brother. If you were here, you would give me some encouragement, but I'm left to wonder what the hell is so wrong with me that people find it so easy and necessary to leave me. Am I a bad apple? For the last eight years, I've done nothing but dedicate my life to being a mother. I don't break the law, I don't drink or do drugs, I'm loyal to my husband, I go to church, I don't party, I don't do anything that is questionable, but yet everyone makes me feel so awful about myself. Why is that? I wish you were here to help me sort out my thoughts. You always had a way of making me feel better. I pray for some comfort soon.....

The cold weather coming has really made me think of you. I know you'd be preparing for deer hunting season. I went down in the woods the other day looking for deer sign even though I can am no longer physically able to hunt, and stumbled upon a deer on the far hillside. It made me smile and think of you, but it also brought sadness with it, knowing that you weren't there to experience it. Seems as though their traveling routines and the places they are found have changed. They are frequenting a completely different part of the farm now. It's almost as if they know things have changed with you gone, so they changed too. God knows nothing is the same anymore. I love you, I miss you, and long to hug you one more time. I'm sorry I haven't been able to visit your grave lately but I haven't even had the gas to get there. It makes me sad not to be able to change the flowers on your stone. I have a perfect arrangement to put there when I get the chance to make it. I hope you like it. Love you big brother.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Jenna,

I think all of us can understand your pain, your loss. But, why do you accept your mother's attitude to you, why should you feel awful about yourself?

Frankly, I think it's good that you are angry.

Have you been able to express your anger towards the people you are angry at?

Allan

[Jenna520]

Hi Allan. Yes, I'm extremely angry, but no, I cannot direct my anger towards them because it would just make them worse toward me. They call and talk about me to my husband already, my mother calls and talks to my daughter, and criticizes me to my daughter, anything I say or do would just make things worse. I feel very disrespected by all involved.

I feel bad about myself because I look at it like this: If my own parents can't love me, then I've got to be bad. If they find it so easy to turn their back to me, having been the ones to bring me into this world, what would make me think anyone I encounter in my life could care for me. After you're criticized for so long by someone you love, you start believing what they say is true, or atleast questioning yourself. I feel like they have left me with self esteem issues and trust issues that I will struggle with for the rest of my life.

I do admit, I feel a responsibility to still be respectful toward them both, regardless of how nasty they are to me.

It's unbelievable how persistent they are at nagging at me. Even though I'm "DISOWNED" they still manage to call atleast ten times a day, mainly it's my mother. She talks to my husband and my daughter. They will make comments to my husband like "I can't believe how disrespectful she is." or "She's the coldest person in the world, I don't know how you live with her." When it comes to my daughter my mom will ask her a billion questions like "Did you brush your teeth today?" or "Have you had a bowel movement?" or "What all have you eaten today?" or "Has your mother of the year taken you outside to play?" or "Did your mom send your snack to school today." As if I don't care of her. Even my daughter gets frustrated with the questions and feels the need to defend me when she starts asking stupid questions. I've absolutely lost my cool with her for talking about me to my daughter. There's no sense in that. I take damn good care of my children, my mother needs to worry about her own actions and behaviors with her children. She enabled my brother to death and she's treated me like crap for 27 years. She's left me with so many emotional issues, along with my dad, due to the lack of respect for me.

I've laid my phone off the hook or just haven't answered it, and she will just drive the hour drive up here to slam me for that. There isn't any peace. The way I see it, if they are so disappointed in me, and I'm just that terrible, then they need to leave me alone.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Jenna,

If my own parents can't love me, then I've got to be bad.

Have you ever read a wonderful old book called The Drama of the Gifted Child? It's by Alice Miller and it describes how our parents can be awful to us yet, we blame ourselves rather than them.

No, if your parents can't love you then there is something wrong with them.

Whatever kinds of problems my daughters have gotten themselves into and, they did, my wife and I loved them, unconditionally, because we are their parents and we do love them. Remember the old biblical saying, "Let those without sin cast the first stone?" None of us are pure, not us, not our children and not anyone. Shame on your parents for their attitude towards you.

It isn't necessary for you to show your anger toward them only that you know they have no right to behave this way towards you. It isn't you who are the problem, it's them.

So, what do you think about that?

Allan

[Jenna520]

I feel that everything you said is true. They have no right to treat me that way. I cannot control the damage it has done to me though. I cannot control the way it makes me believe that I have got to be bad in order for my parents, of all people, to treat me this way. I could never do my children like this. I would love them no matter what, and I sure wouldn't want them out of my life by "disowning" them. That's not acceptable. My depression plays a big factor in questioning myself and my worth.

Just believing that their behavior towards me is wrong, still doesn't help me accept it any better. How are you supposed to look at it? Nothing could make me accept it better, because they are my parents, I am their only child left, and they should be more thankful for me now than they ever have been, not angry with me seemingly because im here and my brother is not.

[IrmaJean]

I could never do my children like this. I would love them no matter what, and I sure wouldn't want them out of my life by "disowning" them. That's not acceptable.

Jenna, don't you think that your behaviors speak more about you as a person than the behaviors of others? You've just written about being a loving, caring mother. That speaks to you.

Just believing that their behavior towards me is wrong' date=' still doesn't help me accept it any better. How are you supposed to look at it? Nothing could make me accept it better, because they are my parents, I am their only child left, and they should be more thankful for me now than they ever have been, not angry with me seemingly because im here and my brother is not.[/quote']

I'm sorry your parents have been ostracizing you. I'm sorry it hurts. Can you try to see, though, that their behavior reflects on them and not you?

Take care, Jenna.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Jenna,

Of course you know that I agree with IrmaJean about your parents behavior reflecting on them and not you.

In addition, I want to share with you my opinion and experience that you can recover from your depression and from your negative thinking about yourself. You see, it really no longer about your parents but about you building your self esteem and your self worth. So what if you are their only child left. You need to take care of you first then your children, then your husband...and that is all.

What do you think?

Allan

[Jenna520]

How and where do you start the recovery process, Allan. All I've heard for 27 years is how much of an inconvenience I am, or how I can do more than what I'm doing. I started as a cashier and made my way into management within ten months at the age of 22. No college diploma, all based on my skills I developed while working. The only thing I had done before that was work on a dairy farm, but when I got divorced, I was a single mom and had to earn an income that could support me and my daughter. But that wasn't good enough for them. They always said I needed to do something more. Then my health failed, something happened personally that caused a nervous breakdown, and I was no longer able to work. When that happened, they criticized me for not being stronger. When I got married, all I've heard is that I'll just get divorced again. They even go so far as to tell my husband that he is "just temporary" . It's not like I'm a wh***. I've been in three relationships, two of them marraiges , the other an engagement. They have interfered in all my relationships, and everything that I do, and STILL they continue to do it!

How can you get any better when it's constantly in your face, no matter what steps you take to avoid them? I wish I liked the person that I am. I used to, but that was a few years ago. Now, like them, I question what it is I can do if I could ever do anything correctly... so I don't even attempt to try. I've become a recluse of sort, staying at home and not seeing the light of day. I feel like everyone else sees me the same way I see myself, and that embarrasses me so much.

My parents live in my hometown, I moved from there almost ten years ago. They love to talk, especially if someone asks about me. I wonder what they say and if it's near as hurtful as what they say about me to my face. There's really no telling how or what people I've grown up with or the people of my hometown think about me because I'm not there to defend myself. I'd love to know the correct ways to change my thought process because everything I have tried has failed. I've lost all interest in everything that I used to enjoy and I look at myself as a burden to everyone, because that's the way I've been made to feel by them. So where do I start? What do I do?

[IrmaJean]

Maybe you start by knowing that when it comes down to it, you answer to yourself. You are here for you and not them. This is your life and not theirs. Being beaten down by constant criticism is unhealthy for anyone. I'm sorry you've been subjected to this kind of treatment.

Start by being kind to yourself...patient, respectful and loving. I was able to learn to be kind to myself by connecting with the parts of myself that are kind to others. Try allowing yourself to feel your caring qualities and then offer them to yourself. This is about you, Jenna. Those good feelings come from within. Can you get out and around people some, build feelings of confidence?

Take care, Jenna.

[Jenna520]

Since my breakdown, I've not been able to get out and be in public places around people. I'm very uncomfortable with myself. I go into panic mode just attempting to do the grocery shopping even with my husband by my side, so I mainly send him out. Within the last four months, since Charlie's death, I've tried extremely hard to better my quality of life when it comes to my depression and anxiety. I've done a lot of soul searching, just trying to find myself. It seems as though things are getting worse, maybe just a bad streak of luck. My sleep has been disturbed since my brother passed, with flashbacks from his funeral. Some nights they don't come, some nights I dream of him, but in my dreams he's never alive. Last night I woke up struggling, blocking my face and eyes from a disturbing image that I can't remember. I just remember the emotions I felt when I woke up, that of fear, panic, and extreme grief. I thank God that I don't remember what it was that I saw, but I still felt the emotional aftermath 5 hours after it happened. I feel I'm struggling with the devil because I'm getting stronger in my religious beliefs. I've been told by my father in law, who is a preacher, that when the devil knows he can't tempt you because you are aware of it and you are set strongly in your beliefs, he will get you when you are most vulnerable, whether it be in your sleep, or when you're down.

Even though I've not yet found the inner strength and ability to overcome my anxiety to get out of my own prison, I try to just get out and be in the sunlight, enjoy nature. Sometimes I forget my physical limitations, like today. My husband, bless his heart, took me to a branch of the river that runs not far from home, so that I could fish. Since there was just small fish in there, it didn't interest him, but he knew that I would be able to reel them in with my physical impairments. Stupid me decided to wade out to see if I could find a deep hole of water so my chances of catching a bigger fish. I was standing in water up above my waist in still water, and decided I was ready to leave after catching about ten fish. When I turned to try to pull myself up the steep river embankment, my legs gave out and I dropped over the rock ledge. My leg is now nothing but huge bruises and cuts, along with the under part of my arm. I'm sore, and I'm angry with myself. My daughter was talking on the phone with my mother, and told her what happened, and she just laughed. That made me angry, it made my daughter pretty upset too. Not only was this a blow to me physically, but mentally. It depresses me to think that my life will never be more than what it is.... and what it is, is filled with grief, lonliness, criticism, and negativity.

I try to focus on the positive, like I have a good husband and two beautiful children, but those negatives keep popping up in my mind. I just haven't figured out how to block the negative things in my life, or how to cope with the negatives. I've got to retrain my thinking and heal from the hurt that I've bottled up inside for the last eight years. I've always done exactly what was said before, I put myself last, and never focused on healing when I got hurt which has been repeatedly. I've got a lot of recovering to do.

My first marriage was abusive and lasted for 4 and a half years. The divorce was a nasty one, and my ex husband uses my daughter to hurt me, which in turn, hurts her too. I was raped by an ex boyfriend in mid 2006, which I never revealed. My daughter accused her father, my ex husband, of sexual abuse in 2008, which the police could not just use her verbal statement and had no hard evidence, so it was dismissed. That's when I had my nervous breakdown, because I HAD to give him visitation rights ordered by the court. It was then my physical ailments started, I had to quit my job, my ex fiance left me because he "couldn't be with a cripple." And then ofcourse there has been the constant ridicule from my parents, the loss of my brother, and everything in between. I miss the person I used to be. I miss the ability to just go shopping by myself. I miss the ability to keep my house clean, have a peaceful sleep and call my brother.

Yet, when I go see my therapist, they tell me my depression and anxiety is hereditary. I don't feel it is. That may play a small part of my problem, but I feel unresolved issues from the past has affected me more than anything. Am I wrong? Now that I don't have insurance, I can't continue to go to therapy so that I could delve into everything in my past. That's depressing all in itself. I am trying so hard to help myself. I just seem to fail a lot, but atleast I do try. That's good, right? That's a step in the right direction?

I want to get better, to be strong like I once was, because I want to help people who have been in my situations, any of them.

[Jenna520]

Dear Charlie,

I'm really struggling without you here. I've slept all day today. I went to be at 3am this morning and got up at 8 pm. I'm just so tired. I feel like all the energy has been sucked from my body. I've let this week escape without doing much of anything. I've got so much to do. Tons of housework to do. I look at the laundry hamper and it makes me sick that I've let it pile up. I need to clean. I need to figure out the bills we owe before they get shut off. Even though we don't have the money to pay them, I can atleast call and ask for more time.

I think a lot of the time, I go to sleep and hope to dream of you, a good dream, not a bad one. But they are always bad, never good, so when I wake up, I lay there in hopes of finding sleep again and seeing you in my dreams.

It seems like an eternity since I've seen your children. I miss them so much. I feel empty. My greatest fear is that they will think I've abandoned them, when the truth is, I don't have the money to travel and see the ones that I'm allowed to see, and the mother of your oldest will not let me see him. It sickens me because I know that some day, I will run upon her in the grocery store, and the anger that has built within me towards her will spill over, and I'll end up saying something or just slapping the taste out of her mouth. I don't want to do that. Then again, I don't want to have to wait for five years, when *******will be 18 years old, to be able to see him. That's my nephew, I should have the right to see him. Mom and Dad have grandparent's right, but they will not use them. They have really disappointed me. I'm angry with a lot of people right now, myself included.

I wish I could feel the embrace of your hug right now. You always made me feel better. Nothing comforts me now.

I miss you and I love you.

[IrmaJean]

On my way to work in a minute, so not much time...I want you to know that I'm listening. I'm so sorry for your pain and sadness. ((((Jenna))))

[Jenna520]

Thanks Beth, you're always such a sweetheart. The world could use a lot more people just like you. Hope your day is an excellent one. Be safe and much love. ((((((((hugs))))))))).

[IrmaJean]

I truly appreciate your kindness, Jenna.

How are you feeling today?

[Jenna520]

Hi Beth. I'm doing a small bit better today. Big amount or small amount- any amount of something positive is good.

I've done nothing but grieve for the longest time, but today, I made myself get up and go run errands instead of sitting confined within these four walls. A nice breath of fresh air sure has been nice.

As for my situations, my parent's have moved their critical words from me to my husband. My dad actually had the nerve to tell him that if he were him, he would leave me. Talking about hurtful. Not only was I hurt with my dad, but my husband as well. The way I see it, he shouldn't have sit there and listened to it, not only once but twice. I feel he should have stuck up for me, instead of listening to that crap. I feel betrayed by two people in this situation. My dad for saying it and my husband for listening to it. Am I wrong for that?

[Jenna520]

Dear Charlie,

Out of nowhere, a good day, or a good day by my standards, has taken a spiral. I have cried for the last two hours with the same empty, unbearable agony that I felt when I first got word that you passed away. I just glanced at the clock and the first thing that came to my mind, was that sometime within the next hour was when you overdosed exactly 4 months ago. I keep thinking about what was going through your mind in your final hours before you went to sleep. I wonder if you really did just go to sleep and die in your sleep or if you were awake and knew you were dying. I think of how long you lay there, not alive, before anyone realized you were deceased. 7 hours...... omg that hurts.

I'm out of my anti depressant and anxiety medicine, so I wonder how well I can handle this on my own. I'm getting those flash backs again of you in the coffin. There are times a see you as you looked in the coffin, but you're not in the coffin. They are only brief and I can't get the attention off your face to see whats around you. I feel like I'm going nuts. I've never experienced anything like this in my life. It's horrible.

I really wish I could afford my medicine. My depression and anxiety was bad while on them, but without them, it's almost unbearable. I pray a lot for comfort and peace. I don't know why he won't go look for a job. I never thought he would do this. How are the bills going to get paid. How do I afford my medication? What's to help me stay sane in this time? Mom and Dad won't help me with sixty dollars to purchase it because they have kicked me out of their life. I'm so alone. I feel like I'm fighting a never ending battle that I just can't win.

I wish I had more peace, but I don't ... and I fear I never will. I really thought that I would be coping with your loss better by now, but not a chance. Sometimes I wonder if I can make it in this world without you. I just wish you could hear me, that I could talk to you and tell you all the things I should have said more often while you were alive.

I just miss you, that's all. I know you are in the perfect place now, and it's selfish of me to want you back here in this cruel and pain filled world.

I guess I've said enough now....or as much as I can possibly put into words. I love you, Charlie... I always did... and still would have loved you had you just told me you had an addiction. I can't help but think I could have saved your life. I saved my husband's, why would you have been any different, Now I'll never know. I will forever have to live with that question.

[IrmaJean]

Jenna, I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. An unexpected, sudden and tragic loss like this can shake your world to the very core. It may even be traumatic on some level, which can complicate the grieving process. One thing I've been trying to learn...and it isn't an easy lesson...is to know that I can't make another person open up to me and share their pain. As much as I want to help a person who is hurting or in trouble, I can't control what they tell me. I know the feelings around this can be so very painful. I'm sure Charlie knew you loved him. I hope you are able to find some peace in that.

Are you able to connect at all with positive memories, feelings Charlie brought out in you or is there still too much pain around this? I know this can take time.

Also, are there any programs in your area where you could apply for assistance for your medications and/or therapy? Have you expressed to your husband that you need his support right now? I'm sorry for all of this pain. Take good care of yourself, Jenna, and I hope you will continue reaching out.

[Jenna520]

My mother actually had the nerve to call and ask my husband what I had took today to make my speech slur. ARE YOU FREAKIN' SERIOUS!? The anger that I'm carrying around is so great, sometimes I can't stand it. I really think my mother is nuts. AND she has a mission to destroy my relationship with my dad, as well as destroy everything inside me. :eek:

[Jenna520]

Dear Charlie,

Today has not been a good day for me. It's been one of those days that I was already crying less than ten minutes after I woke up. I keep breaking down, no matter how hard I try. I wish I could go back to when we were young, we hadn't grown up and drifted apart because of the miles between us and our busy lives. I remember me being sick and you fixing me your famous "feel better" chicken noodle soup. It's funny how I thought you really had a magic recipe that made me feel better when all it was, was love.

I've been sick for over a week now, coughing and hacking, can't lay down without feeling like I'm choking. The cold medicine has tylenol in it, so atleast it is keeping my fever down, but it's not helping with the coughing, wheezing, or congestion. I should go to the doctor, but the truth is, I just don't care at this point.

I'm burdened with so much sadness. I can't control my tears anymore. They just fall whenever they want, without any rhyme or reason..

I've really been wondering about your last few hours of life. I hope you didn't take your life on purpose. It bothers me so much. It bothers me more that I will never know that answer. I must go now, but I love you so much. I hope you knew that before you passed, and I hope you know that now. I miss you. If my arms could reach to heaven, I'd love to have a hug. Some comfort at this point in my life is needed so much. I can't imagine that I'll ever be whole without you.

Love, Sis

[Lana73]

If my arms could reach to heaven, I'd love to have a hug. Some comfort at this point in my life is needed so much. I can't imagine that I'll ever be whole without you.

That is so beautiful, Jenna.... Your love for your brother is beautiful.

I hope you feel better. Take care.

[Jenna520]

Thank you Lana. I hope your day is one of peace.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you are not feeling well, Jenna.

I'm sure Charlie knew how much you loved him. I hope you are able to feel your connection with him through that love because this gift stays with you, always.

Take care today, Jenna.

[Jenna520]

Dear Charlie,

I'm really having a hard time. It's 1:40 A.M., I've attempted to go to bed, but the horrible visions that flash before me haunt me. The first one struck before I went to bed, and I started hyperventilating. It completely took my breath. I cried in my husbands arms for fifteen minutes afterward and picked up my bible for strength. Not long after that, again, a vision so horrific, brought me to my knees. I sat at the kitchen table and just sobbed to myself. The third struck when I laid down to go to sleep. Somewhere between consciousness and sleep, I was scratching at a freshly dug grave, trying to get you out from underneath the dirt. I could hear your voice, as I dug my fingernails into the soil frantically. I couldn't breathe, I had no choice but to take another one of my nerve pills. Three anxiety attacks within two hours is out of control.

Is it because today is the five month anniversary of your death? Is it the added stress that I have been under? Because I really thought the Prozac was helping.

I know I shouldn't be so selfish as to want you back here with me. Afterall, you're still alive, just not here where I am. I wonder if you can hear me, see me, feel my love? I wish I knew what you would want me to do now. Should I move to where your kids are to be closer? Would you want that? What do I do, because the mother's of the children never return my calls. I don't understand that. I just want to talk to your baby's, I don't care if she's moved on and dating someone else. That's her decision, I just want the kids to know their aunt and their cousins.

I have gained an understanding of addiction that I never had, since you've gone. I've reached out my hand to those who struggle, and to families of those who struggle, and I never feel as though I do either of them any good. I'm not as successful with it as I'd like to be. I've got to understand that I can't save the world, but God knows I'd talk and do whatever it took to save someone from meeting the same fate as you, or to keep them from struggling as you did, and to keep one from having to go through the roller coaster of emotions and a life time loss that I've experienced with your death. Help me and give me strength, knowledge to know what to say, what to do to save lives. Help me give them inspiration to stay sober, Charlie. Relay to me what you would say, if you were here. Help me, brother.

Brother, if you can hear me, please know that for as long as I live, your memory remains, and my children will forever know you as you would want to be remembered. Even though my son was one when you died, he will know that he had an uncle who loved him very much. An amazing uncle with a big heart.

I love you Charlie. I wish I could have one more hug, see one more smile, hear one more joke, hear your laughter, have another kiss on the forehead, hear you call me sis one more time.... but I can't. I've got to accept that I can't undo what has been done.... until then, I'll never heal.

Love Always,

Sis

[IrmaJean]

I hear your pain and sadness and frustration, Jenna. Healing a broken heart is never easy and must be especially challenging for you with this added element of trauma. I'm so sorry for your sadness and loss. I hope that you are able to connect with the spiritual energy of Charlie in yourself. The love you carry with you always and your connection to being. I like to think of the people we have loved and lost as always being with us inside of our own gifts. All of the lights inside, the places where you connect with yourself through your love stay with you. It's comforting to me, but don't know if it might fit for you? Hopefully I'm not repeating myself too much here. I struggle a great deal with loss myself, Jenna, and so have always felt compelled by you. I'm out of words at the moment, but wanted you to know I'm listening and your voice is heard. Take gentle care of yourself. Be kind to you and offer yourself some tenderness and compassion.

[Jenna520]

Take gentle care of yourself. Be kind to you and offer yourself some tenderness and compassion.

I don't know how to do this. I thought I was doing.......better, for a lack of better word, but last night was awful. I just couldn't breathe. I don't know what would cause me to have flashbacks. To me, this is a sign of me losing my marbles. I'm checking the mailbox everyday for my medical assistance, and I'm not finding it, so going to my therapist is out of the question. It's been over 4 months since I've been able to see him. In that time, I've completely lost my mind.

My mother called yesterday, and I tried (should have known better) to vent to her by stating "I'm having a hard time coping." and her response was "Nobodies pain is greater than mine and your Dad's because he was our son, he was just your brother."

I just said goodbye and hung up the phone. Now I know the loss of a child is much more painful than anything, but was it really necessary for her to come back with that instead of words of comfort. I would have been more comforted if she had just said "uh-huh" or nothing at all. Did she really need to compare the pain levels of the situation? I hurt too mom. Just listen to me for once, because I too have to have someone to talk to. But it never works out that way.

How can I make myself feel better? How can I treat myself kindly when I'm surrounded by those who don't? I don't know how.