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I just couldn't breathe. I don't know what would cause me to have flashbacks. To me, this is a sign of me losing my marbles.

The loss of your brother was abrupt, unexpected and it was traumatic for you... You're responding to the stress. :) It's definitely something I would bring up with your therapist when you are able to see him. This is something you are really needing right now. It's so sad when money issues get in the way of one's emotional health. :-(

her response was "Nobodies pain is greater than mine and your Dad's because he was our son' date=' he was just your brother." [/quote']

Wow. Jenna. I am so sorry she is treating you this way. This is minimizing and that never feels good. :-( Everyone deals with grief in their own way. It's important to listen to your feelings and needs. There is no comparison to be made in this. I'm sorry you're getting no support from your family. :(

How can I make myself feel better? How can I treat myself kindly when I'm surrounded by those who don't? I don't know how.:(

Imagine a friend of yours in a similar situation. How would you reach out to them and gently support them? I've seen you reaching out to others on here. Jenna, consider all that you've been through. :( Try offering some compassion toward yourself. Things are tough for you right now. Listen to yourself. Where is the hurt? Do things that are comforting. Indulge yourself. Imagine how you feel when you support others here and let yourself feel that giving energy. Give it back to yourself. You've been hurt, Jenna, and you need some extra special tender, loving care. I hope you can find your way to doing that.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Dearest Brother,

Today is the 6th of November. I know you'd be gearing up for more deer hunting because the season is nearing. You always had the best luck... maybe not luck, just skill of tracking them and knowing where they frequented. I would love to go but not to get a deer, just to sit in your tree stands and watch them go by, knowing that last year, you were in the same place at the same time.

Your son's birthday is coming up on the 9th and so is mom's. I feel a sick feeling inside because I know I can't be there for either and you're not going to be there as well. Mom went to the doctor, so she'll be sedated on that day. She doesn't want anyone around. She said you always picked out the best cards. She misses you terribly. So do I.

My birthday is the tenth, it sickens me to think about not being able to hear you say "happy birthday, sis!" But unlike Mom, I know the best thing I can do is face the grief. All the first's without you are going to be hard, but I've got to get through them so that I can continue to heal.

I've had a hard time, bro. You knew as well as anyone that I didn't approve of drugs, period. You knew how hard I've tried and all the stuff I've gone through to keep my husband from relapsing. Yesterday I found out he had been lying to me. I went out into the storage shed to clean out a few things and he went completely crazy. It didn't take much calculating to figure out there was something in there that he didn't want me to see. He ended up putting the padlock on the door, locking me out, and wouldn't give me the keys. Long story short, he got back into the building, I tackled him to get what he had in his pocket, but he ran in the house locking me out and flushed it. I don't think I've ever been so angry or so hurt. I don't know which hurts more, the fact that he betrayed me or the fact he doesn't see any wrong in what he's doing. He kept saying "it's not that bad." He knows that since drugs took you away from me months ago, that I sure as hell am sensitive to the subject of drugs now. I had zero tolerance before, but now it makes me crazy when he does crap like this. He has been lying to me for months. So now I have to watch him, I have to watch the neighbors, I have to monitor phone calls, all of the stuff I had to do before. He blamed me for him slipping up and doing it.

He broke your picture. In turn, my heart shattered with the glass in the frame. I told him to leave, but he wouldn't. So now I just feel numb, even though it's just been over 24 hours. Times like these I wish you were here to give me good sound advice. Times like these I wish I could have helped you with your addiction. But it's also in times like these that I feel like a failure because I'm trying so damn hard to keep my husband from slipping back into the life of an addict but failing miserably, just the same way I failed you by not even having the knowledge you had an addiction.

Looks as though I'm not very successful at keeping my husband clean and I wasn't successful at saving your life. I'm sorry. I love you and miss you so much.

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I hear your pain and am sitting here with you. ;)

Looks as though I'm not very successful at keeping my husband clean and I wasn't successful at saving your life.

You aren't responsible for keeping your husband clean, Jenna. That has to be up to him. I'm sorry to hear that he has been lying to you. This must be very painful on top of everything else you've been facing. ;) I understand that it feels like you failed by not being aware of Charlie's addiction, but this wasn't your fault, Jenna. There are some things that are beyond our control. I know that is very difficult to accept when we want our loved ones to be happy and healthy...

You were a loving sister to your brother.

I'm so sorry for your loss. :( It's good that you are expressing yourself. I hope it offers you some relief from this deep pain.

Take care, Jenna.

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HEy Jenna, this probably won't sound super supportive, but there are proven strategies that will levy consequences against an addict should they choose not to seek help,or continue using. Most of those strategies involve disengaging yourself from doing battle with them, which is mostly ineffectual and exhausting. You should really try to find an AlAnon organization in your area to attend, or at the very least a group online. Get the support of people in a similar tough situation, and the tools to give you the best chance with your husband. I know the AA's have some fundamental aspects that some people find disagreeable, but you can always take what you can from it, and leave what doesnt suit you. You cant watch him 24/7 ...there's gotta be a more systematic approach. Others have done it...why not learn from them? i have no doubt your intentions are pure and i sincerely wish for you luck and strength...and maybe wisdom and hope too. and a little clairvoyance never hurts. =)

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Hi Jenna, im sorry to ear ur not doing so well. As an addict my self ill tell u that is inportant for u to control money in ur house. If u know what druggs hes been before then u know what are the symptoms to look up on him to see if hes drugged or not. Perhaps u can find a group ive never liked groups but every person is diferent u have 2 kids speak with ur husband make him realize what he can loose, and what can his family loose and u already know how to exprese that feeling Jenna. Maybe a therapist, i think u said in other post that he was mean to u, maybe it could be that he sees u crying and suffering and he dosent know how to help and these can take him to make the wrong choices.

Try to speak with him but be calm, and supportive and make him realize that, hes going the wrong path.

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I guess I have myself to blame for this one. I've been so preoccupied with my own problems and grieving about the loss of my brother, that I completely trusted in my husband to stay on the straight and narrow. I do control the money, so the neighbors were helping him get the things that he knew he wasn't supposed to have.

As for help, he's went through a year long treatment program that was inpatient, and graduated. I've only talked to my pastor who happens to be very involved with the local rehab. My pastor not only works to help those addicted but he's also struggled with both of his sons being an addict, so I go to him for advice. I also do a lot of research on the computer. The only thing that has helped and worked with my husband has been a zero tolerance to that kind of behavior. The reason he thought he'd try something now is because he just got off of a 5 year supervised probation about two months ago. He knows he doesn't have to submit to drug tests anymore.

It's harder for me to cope with the slip ups more so now because I don't want to lose my husband in the same manner I lost my brother. The thought sickens me. I do sympathize with him, because I know it is a constant battle to stay clean, but then again, if he's been able to stay clean for years, he shouldn't open that door back up by dabbling. By placing himself around the locals here that are "questionable" , he put himself in the wrong place for an addict to be. I feel like he's far enough along in recovery to know that if you want to stay clean, you can't befriend someone who is going to put drugs in your face.

Maybe that's selfish of me to assume, but that's just the way I see it. I'm extremely hurt by the situation, and it's all I can do to keep from walking across the road and telling the neighbors what I think, but that would solve nothing. I think they may have gotten the message though because I've been hanging up when they call. Usually they wouldn't think twice about coming over and knocking on the door, but that's stopped. That, alone, tells me that they know that I'm not supposed to know the business they were doing. I feel like I can't trust my husband at this point, and I know I'd probably collapse if I knew everything that was going on behind my back. This is just another set back. Something that will take time to fix. I would love for him to attend meetings regularly, but I think he feels he's done what's necessary to be clean. He's been given the tools and the education to stay clean, it's up to him to utilize those things. Yes or no?

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I was actually refering to YOU going to meetings. Meetings for family members who have a loved one who is an addict. That way you have more support, both for yourself AND for following through with difficult consequences that must be consistatly imposed.

Tell him he has to complete weekly drug tests for a year, montly for how ever long after that. Let him know that if you dont have access to the shed, you'll phone the cops and let them know about the suspected drugs. Ouline some HEAVY consequences for any inability to meet your terms...IE reporting suspected drug use to law, probation, and employers. Seperation from yourself and kids....etc.

Its not your job to control him, its his job to earn your trust. Finding an AlAnon meeting for yourself will give YOU better tools and show you a different way to help your husband, and even more importantly, yourself and any children. Youve tried it your way...why not give this a chance?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dear Charlie,

Happy Thanksgiving to you where you are. It's just not the same without you here. This year there's no dinner or get together. My oldest child is at her father's because that's the way the judge wrote up the papers, leaving me without her on the holidays. Just another thing to add to the sadness.

I miss you beyond words. I've dreaded this day, knowing the feelings that it would stir would bring me to tears. Things just aren't the same, but I'm thankful that Dad is still here with me. We almost lost him brother, and he's still not well. The right valve in his heart was working only 5 percent and it wasn't due to any blockages. Heart failure. It's like dad's heart broke and started to shut down when you died.

I don't know if the grief gets any better. I feel like I'm doomed to horrible sadness and emptiness for the rest of my life. You've left a void I feel like i can't handle. Sometimes I get angry all over again with how you died. I try not to be angry because I don't want to be angry with you.

This is as close as I can get to you this Thanksgiving. I hope you feel my love. Much love, brother. I miss you.

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I'm listening, Jenna. I am sure Charlie knew how much you loved him. I hope you can find a place today in your heart to connect with him and with the happy memories the two of you shared. I also hope that one day the void you feel now with be filled with the gift of your love.

I'm sorry you are feeling loss today, Jenna. :o Please be very kind and compassionate with yourself. You're in my thoughts.

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Thank you, Beth. I have yet to find that place of peace to reflect to. Today is a struggle for me. I'm very depressed and sad. I just want to sleep, but I can't. Today is just confirmation to me that nothing will ever be the same, nor will I grow used to the holidays without him. Acceptance is nowhere to be found when it comes to this. No matter how much I go to a therapist, no matter how much I pray, this is the best I can do to get over what has happened. This is one roller coaster ride I want to get off of but it just keeps going.

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Dear Charlie,

Today marks six months since you overdosed and left me behind in this world. The last six months have been the hardest of my life and the emptiest. The pain never eases, it just gets worse. I never thought of the possibility of your actions and your absence haunting me for the rest of my life. When you left, seems my life stopped too. My hatred for drugs and those who enabled you to kill yourself is off the charts more so today than ever. Your so called friends piss me off, and I'd like to have them walk in my shoes for just a day with the flashbacks and the grief. That would be like hell on Earth for them and maybe I'd gain some peace by knowing they've felt what they've done to me. But you did it too ya know. You took them. Why did you have to get hung up on pride and not seek help from me. I was your sister! I would have been there and supported you no matter what. I shouldn't have had to find out this way..... after it was too late.

I've asked myself all night and all morning- and for the last six months what I would say if I could see you one more time. I've concluded I'd say nothing. I'd just hug you and hold you, look at you, get the perfect picture to place in my memory of a happy and alive you. I miss your voice and your smile. I would tell you I love you.

With that being said, I don't think I will continue with this thread any longer. You can't read these letters, and I think those who have read them who suffer from addiction get the point of what their dearest loved ones will have to go through if they continue on their destructive path. I feel like the picture is clear that your addiction and untimely death has damn near killed me and taken away any existence I ever knew. I just go through the motions now. I hope my letters have reached atleast one person, gave them a reason to get clean. If not, atleast I can say I've attempted to reach out a helping hand. I've tried to turn a loss into a positive by saving someones life from the death sentence of addiction.

I love you so much and hope someday I can get back to my own life, and be myself, for my kids, my husband, our parents. I hope I can resume living again instead of just existing in a world of deep dark grief. You were always my hero big brother, and nothing will ever take that away. The super villain won this round by finding your Kryptonite. Rest in peace, Charlie. I'll see you again someday, but I've got to better myself now and heal. I've got to live. I've got to accept and cope. Until the day we meet again, I send my love.

Love, Sis

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