Not Okay

[mscat]

I do not really even want to wrote about this. BUt, I am just not really doing all that great. I ran out of medication for nightime so I cannot sleep either, my vision is all blurred too so this is chalenging. My son leaves for school at 6:30am each morning and does not come home until 5:30pm. So I am all alone with the dogs. I do not want to get up anymore and don't until 3-4 pm. Just don't see a reason to. Everything is a burden right now, everything. Their is no joy in anything at all. Just breathing that is all. Trying hard not to fall back into self harming, which i am good at . I figure that if I just don't get up their will not be time to harm myself . And right now I really have no energy to do that either. i am isloated all day inside, and really do not like others around me anyway. I cannot stand to be around others but i cannot stand even being around me. So I am fuc***. Our finances are very tight this month which makes it even more difficult. My brother has not even stopped by for a while which sucks. I wish he did. I will not go over his place because his wife is a bitch. At least when my son is home it is better, but, then the day is over and he goes to bed. So i don't have a lot of time with him. It is becasue i have no control over things right now, and i do not like that, It was not my choice this month for it to be a bad month financially i am use to having a lot more funds then this, and it is stressful. I did manage to go to therapy today , in which I had not in a couple weeks. It only helped a little , and byu the time I really wanted to talk to him it was over., But, I had mentioned the wanting to Self harm , and he really did not want to even go there, CAuse he knows how bad it gets , I am, really not nive to myself at all if I get into that mode. I guess i just don;t have a lot going on right now , and things are getting to me very quickly. my stupid eyes suck right now, I can hardly see at all. I need glasses but can't afford them> And also have Diabetes so I think that makes my vision messed up.

[finding my way]

I'm sorry to hear things are so difficult right now, mscat

Is volunteer work out of the question? Helping out with special needs kids or with little ones?

I hope today is better

[Jenna520]

(((((((hugs))))))))) Stay strong, hon. This too shall pass. Thinking of you and praying for comfort and peace to be sent your way.

[Guest ASchwartz]

mscat,

I'm worried about you. Did you know that it is very well established that diabetes and depression go together? I don't know your medications but it seems to me that talking with your primary care physician might be a good idea.

Also, you want to isolate but feel lonely at home since you son is at school all day. You are stuck between the proverbial "rock and hard place." Therefore, what about going out? What about a walk in the park? Fresh air? Sunshine? You don't have to speak to anyone if you don't wish but, just to get our might feel better for you.

Allan

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, mscat. This sounds even more difficult and stressful for you with physical symptoms to boot. Did you ever find out anything more about the sore in your mouth? I'm sorry if I'm not remembering that quite right, but diabetes could play a part in that as well. I hope you are able to see a physician who can help you with managing your diabetes.

Are you able to feel comforted by the dogs? Do you take pleasure in anything? Is your therapist aware of how much you're suffering right now? Can you phone your brother and tell him you'd like his company?

Lots of questions.

I'm sorry you're sad. I hope today is a more serene day for you.

[mscat]

i finally went to sleep at 6:30this morning, and kept my son home today. I woke up at 3pm and my brother stopped by! That always is good. Allen. I did not know about that , and i do know I also am hypothyroid which contributes to depression. And yes i am suppose to take medications for all of this. But, sometimes if I go too far down It feels like I am paralzed. LIke I cannot do anything , and end up not functioning well at all. Everything is a chore and extremely hard to do anything at all. Fortunately my son is old enough to do a lot despite his autism and cogntive delays. I am a idiot , becasue i really should be on those medications, some of them I have some of them need permission for refills.

things are a little less heavy though, i can fo back in forth though , easily slide back into this depression and no it does not help to have a couple medical issus that go right along with it.

Getting out is a good idea if only i can push myself hard enough to do that, it is still rather hot outside , but it is a better idea not to stay in all the time. I still have that "tumor" or whatever it is , I got freaked out and did not want to know if it was cancer, so now insurance does not cover finding out anyway. the dogs are really great , they are always near me, always. So that does help to a certain extent. But if I don't see my brother or hear from him in at least a week I really slide down fast, because he is my blood brother that I really love , I don;t have a lot of people I like in my life cause i am such a bitch but my brother is someone very important to me and he can make me laugh, the only one who makes me laugh. I really did not say how bad the depresson is to my therapist, but he knows i have to see the Psychatrist again for meds. I have seen the same therapsit for years now. So it is hard to hide things like that. my brother took my son to the library and is getting a few things at the grocery store for us right now, so i an all alone . i think I am stupid and weak for not being able to handle things. A lot of times if I come here now and actually write about things it is the last reort > Because I am ashamed and do not like to lose control. Iam very independent and am usually the one taking care of others, not the other way around .

Yes , I use to teach, I think someone knew that here, I now live in A Rual town and I now changed> I have BUrn scars all over me , and tattoos , so it really is not goodto be around children looking like that,

[Guest GingerSnap]

mscat: Can't you get an eye exam and glasses from the State? Our adult son can get glasses and an eye exam every four years on his Medicaid card. (He destroys them in 6 months and then I order online for like 1/4 what the places in town charge.) Also, I am wondering how the Lion's Club operates as I know there thing is vision. I was sorry to see that you aren't doing well. Looks like your son is doing pretty well now though. You have to at least get out with the dogs. I always walk my dog. Also, you might keep your eye out for a really lightweight long sleeve shirt that would cover you that you could wear over your other clothes to give you some coverage as they make a lot of that stuff now because of the damage people are getting from the sun. I have one I got on clearance to pull on over revealing shirts if I go out - at 57, best not to reveal that much! I know that everyone is feeling the crunch of inflation and it is leaving everyone short. If I were you, I would be asking around about other resources that might help you out - that's what they are there for and if you dig and scratch around, there is usually something out there. So, what about taking the dogs outside to play if it is a little cooler? You got to do this mscat. I know from previous encounters with you here that you can do it. You are one of those that if it has to be done, you will find a way to get it done. Hope things have improved. I found this link and I don't know if it would be helpful but maybe if you contacted them, they could give you some guidance on the vision issue: http://lionsclubs.org/EN/our-work/sight-programs/assistance-requests.php

[mscat]

Thank you Gingersnap .

I have had my eyes examined not too long agao and have a perscription to get glasses/In Ca the exams are covered but not the glasses . This month has been a real chalenge , so i am very glad this is the last week. Fianancially next month will be easier. I will go out on the balcony with the dogs so they are getting let out . It is getting cooler too, so I hope to take them for walks again. My son is adjusting to a new program for adults and he is struggling. I still sleep too much but am in a better mood lately. My brother has been coming over and helping us so that has been nice. My son has been approves for disability benefits and he will be getting that in November. i have a rather nice insurance settlement coming in on the 3rd which will help get a few new things , so that will be fun. i cannot believe we have practically made it through this month , this has been very tight , and it was really difficult . At least we have some things to look forward to now .You are correct the dogs should have more time out .

[finding my way]

Glad to hear your news, mscat! I'm sorry things have been such a struggle. I got a pay cut because the state is broke, and another one is slated for next year. Tough times!

[Guest GingerSnap]

Now, mscat, you know I'm not as worried about the dogs getting outside as I am you getting out there. But, gee, whatever works. I have always had bad vision and I know how frustrating that can be and now getting older, I could just scream because I cannot see it! These are the worst of times for everyone no matter who I talk to. Everyone just wants to walk away from their lives, the problems, the responsibilities. It was a great help when our son became an adult and started to get state assistance because we, as a family, never qualified and caring for him and working for me was nearly impossible. Everyone still likes to say "Well, it is just like having a child." Well, not once they are an adult and you still have to be there 24/7 for them. I do hope things get better and I think they will. You need to pull yourself out of this funk though and I can tell you know it. Yes, cooler temperatures will help. We had record breaking heat almost every day this summer and drought. I am still exhausted from it. Take care.

[mscat]

Gingersnap, your so cool

I think I feel a little gulity about the dogs issue.... Both of them get hot really easily but that might be just anther excuse. LOL . The economy is hard on us all , so I think most have had to make sacrifices. I am glad your son is doing well. When he turned 18 did you guys estabish consevership? I was told to do that for my son in case anything legal came up? Or something like power of attorney? I am still learning about this. For now, I am always planning on keeping my son in the home always . But it scares me to think if anything ever happened to me who will take care of him? I want to take the legal steps in insuring that my son always has a place to go and not placed in a state program.

[Guest GingerSnap]

mscat: Myself and my husband took legal guardianship of our son when he became an adult. The things you are talking about are less limiting for the adult but in his case, he functions at pre-school level so is unable to make any decisions. I am also the one, I can't remember what they call it, but I receive and distribute the SSI money that he gets. They told us that we would have to pay to get the guardianship established because social services did not do it anymore. I called and it was going to cost $700.00 and that was 5 years ago. I talked to several people and was able to get social services, adult protective services to do it since it was in my son's best interest and $700.00 was a lot of money especially since the household had one income. Legal aid is also available for people with low income. Don't be afraid to keep asking and they should be able to help you decide what level of overseeing your son and his affairs are necessary. As you know, the world is full of people waiting to take advantage of not only our children but of us also!:mad: I totally understand wanting to keep your son with you. I had my son in a day program and he was abused, neglected and exploited just there and I just turned down residential placement because of the stories that I heard. I am still pursuing this crap at state level here. A lot of parents near the bigger cities are starting their own small programs so possibilities for later the chances of finding a better choice might be there. And, yes, I have that concern of what happens when myself and my husband aren't around. I use that thought to eat healthy and exercise. Andrew keeps me mentally sharp because he is always trying to get away with something and he is a planner! Always trying to outsmart my aging brain. Here and in many other states, the parent/guardian is allowed to do the Supportive Homecare which is a way for the state to try to encourage people to keep their loved ones in the home. In this program, and it is only for adults not children, they do a survey thing to determine the amount of assistance needed for the person with disabilities to remain in the home and determine the hours needed and then you can get paid for the hours or have someone else come in and they are paid through the program. Last thing I needed was someone else coming in the home that didn't have a clue how to direct my son and have WW3 in the household. Andrew needs a lot of assistance due to behavioral issues as no matter what it is, he resists even if it something he likes doing. "Control"! Actually, our main concern over having guardianship was that he is adopted and once he became an adult, the birth parent or anyone else for that matter could just have walked off with him and we would have had no say in the matter about his well-being. In this case, the birthmother would not be a good choice to have Andrew in her care. So, gosh, I bet this is more than you needed to know. Good to see you around again. And, don't let people tell you how it would be better for you (or your son) not to have your son around like they do me. Whenever he is away, I am concerned and it always turned out that I have had every reason to be. If your son doesn't want to move out and you don't mind his being there, everyone else needs to mind their own darn business! And, if you socialize your son and make him comfortable and as independent as he can be while he is at home with you, when you pass on or become unable to care for him - he'll adjust because anyone with social skills can adapt. Gosh, they always gang up on me and push their opinions but "I am Leo, hear me roar when it comes to one of my cubs!" :eek:

[mscat]

You are Andrew's Representative Payee for his SSI. My son Matthew is at about 7-8 year old level. He has a diagnoses of autism and cognitive delays. I am on SSDI so MAtthew was getting benefits off my record. Then he turned 18 so I had to re file for him to recieve his own benefits. That just went through so he will be getting adult child's benefits and his own SSI. The SSI is still being figured out. Before I had SSDI MAtt had SSI but that changed after I was approved. I did not like having to re file all over again , but he was approved easily.

When you adopted your child did you guys know that he was disabled? Or did that coule out later? Matt has a good friend that is functioning at the preschool level and he is 24 years old .Since Matt has been in special classrooms at age 4 I have seen many kids with disabilites and worked with a few in my teaching carreer.

Since having him I've raised Matt all on my own and figure that this is not going to stop. Matthew also needs a lot of supervision and care. but he is really a good person , and so sweet. I like having him around becasue it is easier for me not to be alone and I love MAtt so much. He keeps me busy. But now he is at a adult program that is at least a hour away so he leaves at 6:30 am and comes home after 5:30pm. I am alone for a long time now. So that is a chalenge. I have taken so much time for him that when he's gone I feel empty.

Eventually we want to move in a bigger city because their are many more services available . Is Andrew in any program right now? It is very sad when these kids get abused or taken advantaged of, That kind of thing angers me so much .Matthew had a bad incident at 12 , and I thought I was losing it .

Matt wants a cell phone becasue other kids have one in his class, but I don't lnow if he could handle it? What do you think? I could try and teach him and I know it will take a long time for him to understand? Do u know of any programs out there for this? I like to be able to call him and make sure he is ok at his school .

[Guest GingerSnap]

mscat: Here in KS, the people getting government assistance are able to get cell phones of some sort to use. I know my brother, who is disabled in MI, was able to get one that works for local calls and it was just a matter of meeting income guidelines so I would check with social services and see if there is a program especially with the circumstances with your son. Andrew has been home for a year now. Our house has been on the market for almost 2 years but nothing is selling here with the stalled economy. We adopted Andrew at 4 weeks of age and knew he had Down syndrome. Of course, the books all said the average functioning level was 8 but, well, luck was not on his side. I know what you mean. When Andrew started the program, I was so excited to be able to go out and do things until, after so many years, I did not know what to do.:confused: I liked the freedom of being able to take a long walk with the dog and not having to constantly monitor him or mow the yard without coming in every 5 minutes to see what he was up to. At 57, soon, I need to find at least a decent day program. They are trying to come up with something for him where they would transport him to a city south of here and it would be more like a job - himself and 2 or 3 others. It has been hard financially because I gave up a career in Federal civil service and now, all my friends are starting to retire and, out of the workforce for so long, I'm trying to figure out what job skills I have to get employment when he moves out. I'm thinking elder care as I like older people a lot. Also, on the cell phone, I would like some sort of communication device that Andrew could use but he freely gives things up so that would be an issue. Yeah, you'll have to find a way to fill that space and it will have to be a healthy way. Kind of makes me think of a cat we had, it wanted outside all the time but we wouldn't let it out and one day, I got fed up and put it outside because I was tired of him trying to get out so I put him down in one spot and he sat there a couple of hours and I went and brought him back in the house. He was such a funny cat!