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Finding my way,

You asked whether there is a place I could refer you to where we talk about learning how to view yourself from the inside out rather than the outside in. I think I've discussed this in part in many places, but never as the topic of an entire essay. So I'm putting this on the essay calendar as a topic to write about, and with any luck it will appear soon on www.mentalhelp.net

Mark

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Hi everyone,

I'm 28 and was bullied when I was in 6th to 10th grade. During that time, I didn't really talk about it and always hid my problems because it seemed so shameful. I was called stupid and people said I smelled and treated me like I was a disease. I pretty much carried that through, throughout my life being paranoid about what other people say and watching my back. I ended up traveling abroad and came back in 2006. I came back to live at home with my parents and seem to be reliving everything and not happy. I finally got the courage to move out to another town however it's not too far away from where I grew up. I am currently seeing a psychologist and working on my negative thoughts. How can I expedite the process and really move forward and not be stuck in the past? I'm wondering also if anyone has any similar experiences.

Moving

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  • 2 weeks later...

Wow! Such powerful stories. What you are all feeling is very normal in all of this. Adult Survivors of Peer Abuse need to come together and speak out. Society still does not take this problem seriously enough. This is why I call this Peer Abuse. Like any other form of abuse, those who were bullied growing up have traumatic affects like any other abuse victims.

Hang in there everyone......remember its not your fault and are much better than these bullies will ever be!

Elizabeth

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  • 2 months later...

Hey Peer Abuse and other Victims,

I hated my elementary through high school years. From kindergarten and on, being fat meant the bullies had the right to verbally attack you, even playing little pranks on you. Teachers did nothing except to maybe show just a facial expression of disapproval, if anything at all. You ask for survivors--well, I'm a victim for sure, but I still am a victim, in a sense. The bullying led to emotional eating and other bad habits which I still do--like nervous picking at scabs and old scars. I don't know what "surviving" means. Does it mean you no longer are a victim and have learned to deal with it and put it to rest, and forgiving your tormentors? Or, is it just the fact that you made it to adulthood functioning as normally as you possibly can? I fall in the latter category. Is that "surviving"?

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Karai,

Think of the word in other terms. Let's say a person is in a car accident and loses an arm, leg, eye (anything that causes permanent physical damage). We say they survived because they lived through it and are still here living among us. Yes of course they have permanent scars for their experience and will spend the rest of their lives coping with them the best way they can and do their very best to function as normally as possible.

Emotions and trauma are every bit the injury they just aren't seen on the outside and in physical ways. Back to considering it all in terms of a car accident, sometimes through physical therapy and quality care for your physical self and determination people can make a full recovery.

One thing that happens is that after a person has been in one car accident they tend to be more fearful of getting in another one and should they get in another one, the problems are compounded because not only is it this one, there is the reintroduction of the previous ones. That's what happens with abuse of any kind, to be bullied and abused as a child can be something we can get over with as an adult but then someone says or does something that resembles all the nasty things of our childhood and we go back to the same mental place we were when the original hurt happened. Worse yet if you have many old wounds.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Just Me,

Thanks for elaborating on your definition of "surviving". I have learned thro' all these years, to not be so quick to think that people's looks, whispers and laughter is always directed against me. That took me several years. But, like you put it so appropriately that "we go back to the same mental place we were when the original hurt happened", that still occurs and I have to force myself into the present. I see it as layers and layers of subconsciousness with the old, bad emotions we experienced as children at the core. When the hurt happens, the layers get broken open and these old emotions come rushing out, or trickling out, depending on how well you have learned to suppress or control them, like lava in an earthquake. But, it's still there and I keep on trying.

Edited by karai
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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Karai,

You really nailed it and I congratulate you on reaching this understanding of how easy it is to slip into the sub layers of old and terrible thinking.

Allan :)

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Thank you Allan. It took a long time to get to this point of staying in the present. On some days, however, I still fall into that same emotional trap and it takes me a while to get back on track. Sometimes I have to whack myself on the side of the head (figuratively--literally hurt too much and gave me headaches!! LOL) to snap out of it.

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  • 3 months later...

Hello,

I wonder if I'm qualified as one? I'm not a teen anymore, but I'm still studying after my degree now. I plan to find my first job after this year, and I hope my low self-confidence won't interfere with my interviews.

I don't know how to say this, but it seems like my first bullying incident that happeed when I was 12 up until 15 left a mark. In a way, it seems like since that incident I always attract bullies wherever I go, I was repeatedly bullied. Once is enough to haunt, several times and you start to wonder if there's something wrong with you.

I find myself having a nasty bullying attempt in highschool once, and it break me up with my highschool bestfriend who believes that bully's words......and then in university I was bullied 2 times by two different people. They all spread bad gossips about me, and then I was taken advantage of by a girl I thought my bestfriend(but she just use me for my money).

Then when I'm studying overseas now, I was perplexed when some of my own countrymates also did try to bully me.

I left the group and looked for friends among the foreign communities, and just some months ago my Japanese roommate suddenly became bully too- it ends when the term ends and I left the dorm for good.

Then when I was sharing this story to my foreign friends.....I watched the birth of a bully-wannabe. She talked to us first about her problems in the beginning of the term, and when I share my own problem, I watch how she slowly transformed.

At first she tried to boss me around, and the 2 incidents went without a hitch because she just always want the seat I sat on. She tried to see if I will let her away with that bossy attitude. Then she start to talked to my other friends but never acknowledge me in the group, she seemed to try to make others stay away from me too. This is the point when the transforming begin, she suddenly become a bully in the way she try to alienate me from the friend circle. It didn't work thankfully, because my other friends still talk with me.

But I wonder if this is how a bully was borned. They're victims themselves, and then instead of trying to deal with their wounds, in their twisted mind they thought they will feel better if they watch someone else hurting?

It doesn't matter much though. I believe some survivors are just like me, I would never lower myself to that level. I know the pain so I won't inflict that pain to someone else. Instead, I'm looking for advice how to break this bullying cycle, maybe it will be good if I can break the next bully attempt. Any advice will be helpful, thankyou.

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  • 1 year later...

Hi, Wow! I am so glad to see I am not alone. I apologize for not being here sooner. Life tends to get in the way at times. Since I started this thread I have moved and am taking care of my elderly mother which can take up time. I wanted to say I am so sorry that any of you have had to go through this. We struggle but these experiences I believe made us all the beautiful people we are today. Stay strong and know that you are all beautiful inside and out. I know coming from a stranger it sounds pretty cliche but I honestly believe we are all beautiful people inside and out.

As a adult survivor myself, I wanted to share my new website with you. I have my story on it and feel free to read it. Also, if any of you are on Facebook I would love to have you as a friend. http://www.peerabuse.net and http://www.facebook.com/elizabeth.bennett

Again, I apologize for not being around. To me, its a comfort knowing I am not alone but at the same time I can relate to what you are all dealing with in your own lives. Stay strong and know you are not alone.

Hugs,

Elizabeth

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  • 3 weeks later...

I am new at this so bear with me. My name is Jamila Mathis, I am 24 years old and I am a adult survivor of bullying. Not just any type of bullying but SEVERE BULLYING. I am looking for help because this has been affecting my life for 13 years and counting. The bullying happened the first 1 1/2 years of my middle school years before I transferred to another school the middle of my 7th grade year. The bullying was so bad what I considered a great day was if I didn't leave school in a body bag. I just hope that someone out there understands and can help me.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...

Abuse by "peers" is often overlooked as being "normal", or "a part of growing up".

Not so. School was a living hell, a nightmare. On my better days I was barked at, had people make crude jokes about my private parts, called every filthy name in the book. Children were manipulative and friendship was a bargaining card, and head games were king.

School was the one place where I was forced to endure being treated as less than human, belittled, verbal and sometimes physical abuse.

Guardians, teachers and people responsible for me were too lazy to really delve into it. I was often blamed for it too. The burden was often put on me to change, thinking that would solve the problems. Change your clothes, your weight, your interests. In short, don't be you. I failed miserably trying to do that. I don't do facades well. My problems were dismissed as being "not real", and "everybody goes through that". And here is a lovely one, "This will only bother you if you let it!"

So, I was not only blamed for what was done to me, but also adults tried to choreograph how I received it too. ANYthing to avoid the inconvenience of addressing the very roots of peer abuse: attitude.

I tried to fit in, tried to cope in group settings. When verbally abused and threshold reached, and taunted and humiliated, sometimes I would be in tears and not want to join in. Teachers, instead of noticing a real problem and asking me what the problem was, scoffed at me for having a negative attitude and ruining everyone's fun.

People tend to dismiss that and not really fully grasp the magnitude to this day. They tell me that they deal with this kind of thing in life, and you need to grow up and handle disagreements and criticism.

This is true to one extent. Disagreement, criticism and even having some people not like you is a part of life. But what they mean and what I have experienced are two different things. Most folks who experience a healthy childhood CAN handle all that occasionally. And when they ARE actually abused, they can recognize it as such because they don't recall having experienced that in their childhood.

When you are ridiculed, harassed, taunted, threatened, belittled, shunned, called names, tripped, have stuff stolen or damaged, slander written routinely about you on the bathroom walls, during the most formative years of your life, it sticks. This is called, my brain is working the way it is supposed to work. A healthy human brain is meant to absorb and learn from the world around them and their experiences. Well, people have no right to complain if I remember all this, even thirty years later. It took a long time to feel like a human being, to internalize the very idea that I did not deserve this treatment.

My experiences turned a hopeful and optimistic child into an adult who sees no real thrill from human nature.

I grew up hurt, broken, damaged. I became agoraphobic, afraid to seek work, not trusting people really. Dealing with "ordinary" negativity (criticism, disagreements) triggered me greatly, and made me feel the pack mentality all over again.

I changed my legal name, to get a divorce from my childhood. I am so far removed from that horrid name that was so maligned and taunted that it often takes me a while to recall that I used to have that name when I encounter someone else with my former first name.

For the most part, nowadays, I deal fairly well. I am married and have a family, and I cannot believe what incredible people they are. Our life together is amazing.

The agoraphobia is still with me, and my lack of desire to seek out many friends is still with me, though, and occasionally, I have the need to have a safe, anonymous place to share the memories that often acutely assault my memories. I often sign up on various news websites when a story about being abused at school happens, to write as many comments as possible. So I chose to also put part of my story here. As many survivors can attest, even the length of this doesn't cover a fraction of my experience. It just can't be told in one tidy, neat little story.

I have a very pessimistic attitude (yes, really LOL) about the current state of our culture vis a vis "bullying". I cannot see it changing. The cash cow for the "epidemic of bullying" is too good for the economy for people in charge to really want to do anything about it. Hundreds of new types of jobs are invented to pretend to deal with the problem of bullying. As long as we have a culture that rewards bullies, I see all those silly ribbon days and an insult to survivors. Peer abuse and the continuation of the above is bred by and large, by attitude.

I have yet to meet a peer abuse survivor who has had the bullying magically go away by changing their clothes, losing weight, or "ignoring it".

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  • 3 weeks later...

It's...interesting. Looking back, i note i've been the victim of another branch of abuse. The Subtle kind. it's very common, but usually is only tied to the larger things.

I was bullied physically for a short while as a kid, but that was taken care of by way of giving me a different method of transportation. The school didnt wish to do much, but we found a way anyway.

Mentally though...

I've stated elsewhere but my mother...she performed all the physical duties as a parent correctly. Shelter, food, education, entertainment...

But after i became 13 and began questioning her words, pointing out when her speech would be false, challenging her...i noticed i stopped feeling "love". at the time i didnt know what it was, but each look would be scathing, as if i was a horrible demon for bringing something up, or pointing it out.

I remember one day i did something, i dont know what it was, but it was afterschool and i was writing maybe? she moved to spank me, and as any life form sensing an attack on their person would, i moved to protect the area. looking back i realize i knew in the back of my mind that i was holding a pencil, and as such pointed it outward, so the eraser would hit my rear rather than the point.

She stuck herself on it, and for the next months treated me like some horrible violent demon that impaled her on purpose. it was her own fault for not paying attention to what was in my hands, ignoring that regardless of whether or not i was told that i deserved the "punishment" i would reflexively defend the area, and for thinking that i wouldnt subconsciously try to protect myself against my own impliment.

To this day she still holds that against me.

From then on, whenever i remained home from school with a stomach ache or headache, she would always rant and rave about how i was "getting one over" on her or i was some "lazy bastard" and so on. One day it was too much, and i felt something behind my chest breaking. i was crying and in pain. and then i heard the voice i'd "felt" manifest in my mind. i felt a pair of arms around me, heard a whisper in the back of my head, NOT my ears, like others would.

The voice was female, different from my mother's but caring, nurturing. but underneath that voice, and something that occurred for every other (up to seven) voice that appeared in my mind since, i could hear my own. From there i realized that it wasnt fake, it was myself taking a semi-outer form to try to deal with it. but something i noticed was the voice began to manifest before that day, as if somewhere i already knew what was coming.

This has led to many theories that need not be discussed here, but i digress.

It wasnt enough though. She would keep going (my mother i mean). And one day, i wanted to kill myself. But i couldnt. I just...couldnt push past that instinct to keep living. So i looked at my wrists. I knew of a few cutters and thought the activity completely pointless. it made no sense to me then. but i tried anyway. and when i did, i heard all the voices of my friends (and the ones in my subconscious) screaming at me to stop.

it felt like chains around my wrists, i could practically feel their hands. i pushed past the feeling and did it, but after about a week of not even cutting deep enough to scar i went "screw it, this is pointless, just like i thought" and gave up.

But she would continue to lie. she would continue to betray me, always instantly believing anything negative anyone had to say about me, without even bothering to come to me for my side of the story. and everyone let her get away with it. My stepfather, my father, my grandfather, they all knew, but they all let her do whatever. maybe they didnt care, maybe she was lying to them too, i dont know.

But i swear she could practically sense when i was being pushed over the edge. because she would always say things like "go ahead and leave. where would you go? life with your grandfather would be worse!" i was always scared out of doing anything.

she would always sing my praises to others when i could hear, always say how much she loved me and provided for me and that was proof...and yet, on that night when my grandfather broke into my bathroom, because she wanted a pair of pants, and i had locked myself in there to avoid something bad happening, because i could feel it coming. When her presence caused me to hesitate in defending myself by way of bashing his face in with a metal grate, after he had me by the neck, and i bit his thumb and he tossed me head-first into her room where i hit the floor, but not hard enough to draw blood (thank god for my hair's make), all she did was close the door.

and an hour later, when she asked if i wanted to come get dinner, and i asked if they (meaning my grandparents) were still there, and she said yes, and i said no, she gives me a dirty look like i'm a piece of trash, and just slams the door shut.

That happened...what...10? around 10.

she's no different now, only now that i'm an adult, and had to move back in with her, she doesnt try anything as underhanded. perhaps she knows that now, i have reason, and strength to erase her existence should i desire it. perhaps now she knows that i will not sit idly by and let her pull her little tricks again. her mindset is the same, her mannerisms the same, and when i confronted her with my hatred and past, she brushed it aside, just like the multiple times she did over the past five years when i tried to face what was and change thins.

but now, she does not act. and while that is a solace, it does not erase the pain of the past, the confusion of wondering why my "family" who claimed to high heaven that they loved me so, would not only allow all this to happen, but treat me this way, and prevent any action from being taken against them.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Id like to share my story if its ok :o when I was in the 8th grade i had this huge crush on this boy. now that i think about it i have no idea what i was thinking at that time. Anyways I finally got up the courage to write him but for a while I sent him secret admire notes that i had someone else give him at the time. So it went on for a while because i was scared then i finally get up the courage to talk to him and tell him who i was and it bad. He decided to tease me and make fun of me. whats worse is that he and some of his other friends came up with this nickname "face" because of the way i looked. It was so humilating. I didnt have the courage to stand up for myself and i dont know if anyone did it for me. Its hard to tell. So now 16 years later im 30 and i still havent let that go. it was hard going through that and going through some deep personal issues at home and yet my mother wondered why i wanted to kill myself at that time. He wasnt the only one that teased me but he was the one that made things worse and i was so glad i left that school.

Anyways I found him and the other friends recently on facebook. I confronted him told him i forgave him. Its sad to think he didnt apologize for what he did. The worst part of it was that one of my closest friends is friends with him! so its easy to see his page. I get angry at her too because she added him knowing what he did. what kind of friend does that? I know thats in the past but i cant seem to let it go and i really want to. I have an opportunity to tell the other person that teased me how i feel. I sent him a message yesterday and i havent heard from him yet so i dont know what the next step should be. . I think once i get it off my chest i can finally let go.

how do you let go of something like that?

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I think you are taking the right steps to make it better. Even if you don't hear anything back from this person, at least they know that you remember and it affected you. It is possible that this person doesn't even remember you, much less the situation so please don't be offended if he doesn't. The most important part is that you are taking steps upon yourself to rectify and get it off of your chest. We are all hear to listen also.

Be kind to yourself!!

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  • 1 month later...

DizzySpindle, except for the agorophobia, you sound a lot like I do when it comes to this. This abuse affected a great part of my life for a long time. Its an overwhelming horrible feeling I know.

If anyone encounters any of these abusers on Facebook and other places, do not expect an apology. Not all of these individuals have "outgrown" this as they have grown worse. Some will apologize but don't hold your breath. I found one of mine on there and her motto is "It's all about me!" Kinda sick for a 42 year old woman.

If anyone has a chance, feel free to visit my website. Its dedicated to Adult Survivors of Peer Abuse (http://www.peerabuse.net). Also, I have a survey if anyone is interested. It is for adults who survived this abuse and no names or anything are asked for. I am working to get our population into awareness as this bullying stuff seems to focus on school and workplace alone. I also have a page at Facebook if interested. Its important to speak out and try to heal. Anyway, here is the survey if interested: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/KB9KHPV and also the FB page if anyone is on there: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Adult-Survivors-of-BullyingPeer-Abuse/153967164621378?created . These are resources that may interest some of you.....thought I would share.

Thanks for reading. Remember you are all special and have survived probably the most horrific form of abuse known to man. Have a good evening....

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Guest ASchwartz

Xen and Mich,

Yes, these are two forms of abuse. Mich, its interesting that, even though you were thirteen when that happened it stayed with you. Those boys abused you by verbally bullying and ridiculing you. If you had asked me before you responded on facebook, I would have advised you to ignore them, and, in no way, forgive them. Now, it doesn't matter. My suggestion is, in your own mind, take the forgiveness back and allow yourself to hate them. Then, let it go. Think about happier things in your life.

For Xen, what about putting real distance between you and your mother?

How does this sound to each of you?

Allan

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Id like to share my story if its ok :D when I was in the 8th grade i had this huge crush on this boy. now that i think about it i have no idea what i was thinking at that time. Anyways I finally got up the courage to write him but for a while I sent him secret admire notes that i had someone else give him at the time. So it went on for a while because i was scared then i finally get up the courage to talk to him and tell him who i was and it bad. He decided to tease me and make fun of me. whats worse is that he and some of his other friends came up with this nickname "face" because of the way i looked. It was so humilating. I didnt have the courage to stand up for myself and i dont know if anyone did it for me. Its hard to tell. So now 16 years later im 30 and i still havent let that go. it was hard going through that and going through some deep personal issues at home and yet my mother wondered why i wanted to kill myself at that time. He wasnt the only one that teased me but he was the one that made things worse and i was so glad i left that school.

Anyways I found him and the other friends recently on facebook. I confronted him told him i forgave him. Its sad to think he didnt apologize for what he did. The worst part of it was that one of my closest friends is friends with him! so its easy to see his page. I get angry at her too because she added him knowing what he did. what kind of friend does that? I know thats in the past but i cant seem to let it go and i really want to. I have an opportunity to tell the other person that teased me how i feel. I sent him a message yesterday and i havent heard from him yet so i dont know what the next step should be. . I think once i get it off my chest i can finally let go.

how do you let go of something like that?

Typically shallow people like this grow very little emotionally no matter how old they are so it does make it difficult. Like you I have been abused a lot emotionally growing up, well a lot period. Most of the people don't give it a second thought. They have no clue how much they hurt you nor do they actually care if they find out. Something about their emotions is off. The things that ping our conscious doesn't with them.

It bugs me so much because I don't understand it and I know it is wrong.

To expect an apology is to give them control over hurting you once more.

I would consider your message letting him know what he did was wrong and not expect a response because you are better than him.. and you are!!

This way you get the final word and the final victory regardless of his actions.

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I just replied to the discussion about this on the other page, it probably hasn't shown up yet since it has to be vetted first--but it's the one signed "Patti". I would go over it again here but I am just so exhausted I can barely type...I'll just say I'm almost 56 years old, and I have NEVER gotten over the years of bullying I went thru during my childhood and adolescence. My self-esteem, which once had been high, became non-existent. I hated myself and believed everything bad I was told about myself--if you hear it enough, you start to believe it.

All my parents did was tell me to ignore it (didn't work), and of course "Sticks and stones..." HA! What a lie THAT is!!!

The final straw was during my teens when my "best friend" decided that if she just dumped me, she could have a shot at being popular. (The clique had already tried that on me, but I didn't fall for it.) Without her support, (and given that heartless betrayal) I totally collapsed. Within weeks I was admitted to a mental hospital--the first of many stays.

No meds, no counseling, nothing has ever helped me. I still loathe myself--and I still loathe the people who ruined my life. My "best friend" hasn't spoken to me since high school--and when asked about it apparently she tells ppl it's because I refuse to be "reasonable". When was the last time she even TRIED talking to me--around 1973?!

Of course my tormentors have gone merrily on their own ways. Gotten good jobs, married, had kids (some now have grandkids), looking forward to retirement...what's my reward? My self-esteem is so crushed I got fired from every job I tried (due to massive anxiety), I never married, have no children and no income except for Medicaid due to my emotional problems....

I sincerely wish I was dead.

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Confronting people that hurt you that deeply can have mixed results.

You have a gift in words. I can feel with you the pains you must have went through. I can relate in many things, being betrayed for popularity.. not being able to brush off the insults. Having pain effect who you are and creating an unending cycle of anguish. Struggling to find answers

You need healing. You have hurt for too long. We care here. Your a good person. Your story touches the heart, have you thought about working in groups that counsel victims of bullies, or work against preventing bullying?

Edited by randomperson
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Hi, did anyone take the first part of the survey for Adult Survivors of Peer Abuse? If so, can you take the second part? I am trying to get this data collected. Thanks so much! http://ping.fm/9Z7x0

((((((Anguish)))))) I feel the pain in your message. As someone said, it helps to heal....but please never wish you were dead. You have a lot to offer the world.....the reason things did not help before is that this problem is not yet considered clinical. Its getting there but not there. If one gets the meds balanced and in order, they can move forward. Without meds balanced, it can be hard to move forward. I would suggest possibly talking to a psychiatrist about trying and seeing which meds work for you. Once you get that into your system then working towards healing.

This is why I am pushing for Adult Survivors.....so many of us are in pain and nothing is out there to help. Nothing clinical that is....

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