Want to hurt myself

[mscat]

That all sounds very positive for you, Amy. Maybe good things will happen for you soon. how long have you been hospitalised? It is never a pleasant experience, but it is good to have places like that for when you really need a safe place to go. When you get out are going to live with family? Any idea when you will be let out? It is really good you are not S/H . Keep up the good work.

[AmyeH]

Thanks mscat.

I've been hospitalised for 9 1/2 months. I left the hospital twice during this time and went down to doing an outpatient program but relapsed and ended up back here.

When I am released from hospital I'll be going to a full time live-in rehabilitation program in the city. The program lasts for 1-3 years depending on the individual. I already got accepted by the government to go and do the program and it gets paid for fully by the government too.

I emigrated from England when I was 21 years old so now it's just me and my sister living in the same country and we have no other family here. It all adds up to why I broke down. I have no friends either and had a serious lack of support.

I'm not sure when I'll be released. It really depends on the medications and there was even talk of me having ECT but I don't think I'll be doing that. The medications are really important and I hope that something works out. There are still a couple of options left.

Thank you for your words of support.

[Guest ASchwartz]

AmyH,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It's good that you feel that you are in a safe place. It is my hope that you go through the full program after discharge from the inpatient hospital. I know we all feel for you and that all of us fully support you.

Allan

[AmyeH]

Hi Allan,

Thanks, I sincerely appreciate your kind wishes.

Sometimes this place isn't safe enough, I have self-harmed 3 times whilst being in the hospital, but at least I am not having thoughts of suicide right now, because that's when things get ugly. The last time I went to the closed ward of the hospital (I am in the open ward now) I was upfront and honest and said that I am a serious danger to myself so need to be moved there. Lucky that's only happened once and the other times I was there was because I had cut and once had left the hospital on day release and overdosed on sleeping pills. Silly I know.

I really hope that we'll get down to the bottom of the medications conundrum. It's been a long 17 months of patience to find something that works for me. They were talking about having ECT but I really do not wish to go that route.

The thoughts are less intense today, yesterday was pretty bad. Here is some of my blog post from yesterday:

At least I haven’t counted the bad days up to make a total number, I just say ‘another bad day for me here’. That is the case. I’m getting serious urges to hurt myself, everything around me is triggering me. I go to art class this morning, the scissors are placed on the tables and I start getting intrusive thoughts, the whole scene is playing out in my head, me doing something horrible, the unthinkable. I start physically shaking at the single thought, really want to do something right here, right now, but somehow I manage to control myself and not do anything. Laying in my bed in the afternoon, just go to turn over in bed and catch a glimpse at the side-lamp by my bed, the light bulb, glass, that could ‘work’. Again, I refuse to give in to these urges, I turn over and close my eyes.

Thanks,

Amy.

[LaLa]

Hello, Amy,

I'm sorry the urges and fantasies still keep coming back... Please, believe me that after your therapy will reach a certain point, they'll go away!!! I know it's very hard in the meantime, but... during this time it's most important to focus on your therapy and to resist to the urges, as you do.

I remember myself more than 2 years ago having some similar fantasies "all days long", for weeks and months, with some nice breaks when I was fine. (I remember now how I used to be triggered every time when I saw my supervisor's laboratory table where he has razor blades (he uses them for some lab purposes instead of a scalpel used by others - but they keep their scalpels in a drawer, so that was not so triggering...) and I once mentioned this in an e-mail to him - that everytime I see a razor blade on his table, I "see" myself using it for self-harming. I hoped he would remove them - hide them in his drawer - but he did not and I was quite disappointed... It felt like if he wasn't believing me that... "that really is a problem for me" - and it was my fault, because I tried not to scare him too much and was pretending a bit that "it's not that bad"... But I also had a feeling - because of the absence of his reaction to this - that "he's ignoring me" and this was also triggering - as I "wanted to show him that I was not just babbling, that I really can do harm to myself". Oh, those old times... *sigh*)

The huge difference is I never acted upon the urges - I always only fantasized. (My real self-harmig was much less "destructive"/cruel...) So... I think your urges must be more intense... But, maybe we could try to find some similarities and see if it helps you to resist better. Do you ever imagine the consequences? In mean: in details. Because in my case, this probably "saved me". I used to have very long and complicated fantasies which started by my self-destructive behaviour and then the longest part of the fantasy was about others finding out and their feelings and behaviour. So... the "story" in my mind led me itself slowly from the feelings in the beginning - the wish to s/h - to other feelings. This was important, because this way, I (almost) always was able to sooth myself - to get rid of the initial feelings. Then, in the end or some time later, when the same urge appeared again, I started the same (or slightly modified) fantasy again - and I was going again through the same changes of feelings and became calmed down. So... what would you imagine as the possible reactions of your sister, your friend (room-mate), us here, your therapists, ...??? Can you put yourself in the place of them/us and feel how they/we would feel seeing you with your arms or whatever bleeding?... Can you also go throught other possible consequeneces - as your moving to the closed ward, ... ? I think that maybe when you can engage yourself in a detailed "daydream" about this all everytime you have an urge, then... it might help you a bit - at least I know it used to help me... It's only a provisory help, the "ultimate" help is the long-lasting effect of the therapy which will come later, but... it would be better than nothing, wouldn't it?

What do you think about it?

[AmyeH]

Thanks for the reply LaLa, much appreciated.

That's funny, I never thought about thinking of the consequences whilst I am having the thoughts/urges. And bringing other people in to the picture and how they fit in to it, like you say, if my sister was there, what would her reaction be etc.

I know that it's been something that hasn't been so pleasant in the past. When I cut a couple of times back in the hospital, it was still bleeding and I went to the nurses office and they were really freaked out about it, seeing it and having to deal with it. I remember them looking at each other with a concerned look in their eyes. They gave me a tetanus shot because what I used was from outside and dirty. Anyway, it wasn't so pleasant an experience. Maybe I can think about that every time I am having some thoughts!

But there are more extreme cases of things I can think of which I think will help me resist the urges even more. i.e. my sister being there. But then again, I'm in the hospital, it's better to think of something that can be possible in happening. I can think of getting moved to the closed ward which is pretty unpleasant a place to be in and is not fun in any sense of the word.

You're getting me thinking

I'm having less thoughts today luckily. Still little things are triggering me, like my room mate just coming in the room and checking the time on her watch, but the face of the watch was on the inside of her wrist and as she touched her watch and wrist to get the right angle, it made me shiver. I got intrusive thoughts about wrist cutting and all that jazz. Not that I have done that or am ever planning on doing so, but the thoughts are so intense to deal with as it is! Your laboratory example would get me going good and proper! I'm surprised that he didn't move the blade from his table, that must have been tough for you.

[LaLa]

You're getting me thinking

Just don't think about it when not needed, i.e. when the urges aren't here...

And... it occured to me that you didn't respond to my "advise" to imagine (maybe not during the urges themselves, but when you feel sad or overwhelmed...) that somebody (not necesserily a concrete person, just somebody imaginary) is holding you, hugging you. How do you feel about that? Can you make yourself feel, in your imagination, some soothing and reassuring feelings from a warm hug?

[AmyeH]

Right, for sure, not to think about it when I don't have the urges.

I can't really imagine that no - about the soothing thing. I wish I could. I remember all of those months back us talking about getting a hug from our therapists, but I can't say that I feel this with my current therapist in the hospital. I can't even imagine it coming from a made-up person. I feel pretty lonely and by myself when it comes to this. I end up just laying in the foetal position which doesn't even relax or soothe me as it is.

[AmyeH]

I spoke with my psychiatrist today and they are changing my anti-depressant from Lexapro to Prozac.

17 months later and still trying to find the right meds for me... it's real tough. But I'm fighting on.

[LaLa]

Good luck, Amy!!!

And keep posting!

Hugs,

L.

[AmyeH]

Thanks LaLa, much appreciated.

Something pretty small has triggered me today along with another couple of triggers this evening and it's left me wanting to cut. I am really craving it. Not good.

[SweetSue]

Hi AmyeH

try and distract yourself as much as possible - yeah I know easier said than done

are you still in hospital? can you get a nurse to maybe sit and talk with you for a while till the cravings calm down?

[AmyeH]

Hi Sue,

Thanks for the reply.

Yes, I am in the hospital.

I really hate going to the nurses. They don't speak English so I have to speak in a language where I am at a basic level in - Very hard to express myself and tell them what I am thinking and feeling.

Then they call the psychiatrist on-call and s/he comes to assess you and give you medication that doesn't work. And possibly move you in to the closed ward which I do really not want to be in.

I just feel like I want to cut a bit, don't tell anyone and just be done with it that way.

[SweetSue]

Hi ya hun

sorry your still in hospital - i hate being kept in

Sheeze I have a hard enough time going to the nurses for help and they all speak english.

yep i can relate to the medication issues, they have been trying for two years to get my medications right - its a nightmare.

im around for a while if you wanna talk - about anything. it may help you to take your mind off cutting. i know its not easy to distract yourself when the cravings kick in.

try not to cut - if it is possible. if the doctors find out - which usually they do (from my experience) it makes thigs worse. and the last thing you want to happen is to be put in the securer parts of the hospital.

[AmyeH]

Yes, it's been a long 10 month hospital stay... But who's counting?

I'm feeling a bit better now. An American patient I know just came back to the hospital and we went for a walk around the grounds for a while and chatted. I told her that I was having thoughts to self-harm and wasn't feeling good. She's nice and understanding.

Now I'm back in my room still feeling a bit antsy but I've taken my bed time meds so will stay up for another hour and then hopefully get to bed peacefully.

Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it.

[mscat]

Hang in there Amy ! Tommorow is a new day and maybe the urges won't be so strong .I know it is very hard not to at times , but in the long run it is better not to give in. It was really good you went for a walk with your american friend. Try to keep your mind off of other things when the urges are strong .

[AmyeH]

Thank you very much for the support.

I am really not feeling good today and ended up taking a sleeping pill in the end because I couldnt sleep - I haven't needed to do that in many months. I'm meeting with my therapist this afternoon so I how that will help and not make things worse.

But I haven't really had thoughts of self harm, probably because I am busy doing stuff in the hospital, but I hope that later won't be tough. From 4pm until the rest of the day there is nothing to do.

[IrmaJean]

I wanted to say hello, Amy. Are you feeling any better now?

[AmyeH]

Hello IrmaJean,

Thank you for the post and for checking up on me

I am doing OK thank you... well, not overly great, but it's 7pm here now and the evenings are always my worst times. I start to want to self-harm again.

Things are really not easy and I've been in the hospital for 10 months... I'm very over-sensitive to everything, things are really triggering me.

My sister came to visit me on Friday as I have not been out of the hospital for 2 weeks due to really not feeling well, it made me start to think of the outside world again and it's really not good when that happens. I do not like the outside world and am very unhappy with my life. I have no direction or hopes, dreams or aspirations. I have no idea what to do with my life. I feel very empty.

My anti-depressant med is being changed in a couple of days time so I really hope that it will help me. This has been going on for a year and a half and I have been in hospital for 10 months now.

[LaLa]

Hi, Amy,

sorry for not being here for quite a long time...

I can relate to what you say here, many depresse people feel of felt this way

I do not like the outside world and am very unhappy with my life. I have no direction or hopes, dreams or aspirations. I have no idea what to do with my life. I feel very empty.

But knowing "that's pretty commun to have these feelings" doesn't help, I know. It just... can contribute to the hope, because... many people got over them, so you have good chances, too .

When you'll feel like posting more about it, I'd like to read your thoughts and fantasies about "an ideal life for you". For instance, you could start to remeber your childhood dreams - what did you want to be? And what was you aim when you came to Israel? What did change? Why you don't want the same anymore? ... and so on.

I hope this won't be too painful to you. I just think it could be something like "a mind exercise" - with no pressure "to find a solution", just with the aim of searching for your own wishes and dreams...

[AmyeH]

Hi LaLa,

No need to apologise for not being here

The truth is, this has all been going on for longer than I had first thought and realised. I never questioned things from my past and just thought that it was 'normal'. But from the age of 13, I was self-harming, up until now, and I also was drinking a lot and using drugs from the age of 14/15 or so up until I came in to the hospital - It was never out of enjoyment, always out of wanting to escape from reality.

A lot of stuff has come up in therapy in the last couple of weeks (hence, why my insomnia came back I think) and it's been intense. We've spoken a lot about how I never developed a full sense of self due to my upbringing which has left me often making big moves and making big changes in my life trying to 'start over' again but never managing to do so. It goes pretty deep.

Concerning your suggestions LaLa... In all honesty, I don't have any ideas as to what would be an ideal life for me. Seriously. I don't know what I want from life. I don't even have some unattainable wishes or dreams. Without wanting to sound dramatic, I feel like an empty shell, I really do.

Maybe I have just been depressed for longer than I realise. I just hope that somehow I will be able to get myself out of this. Therapy hasn't helped so far as it can't give answers as to what to do with my life for example. Only I can do and change that.

I switched to a new anti-depressant, Prozac, 2 days ago so really hope that this will be the right medication for me. It's been a long year and a half and some relief would be so much welcomed.

I'll see how my sleep goes, but like I say, my insomnia has pretty much come back in the last 2 weeks. Since everything got really intense and I started to feel worse again. I have no problem falling asleep but I wake up after 2-3 hours and then sleep (if I am lucky) on and off the rest of the right and ALWAYS wake up at 4-4.30am. For me, that's a sign of worsening depression as I had this problem before I was hospitalised. Early wake ups.

[LaLa]

Without wanting to sound dramatic, I feel like an empty shell, I really do.

I've alredy heared some very similar description from some members here and... even though I'm more lucky with this in general, I know this kind of feeling from my own life, too... I mention it because I want you to know you're not alone in this and that there are also people who succeeded to overcome this...

Therapy hasn't helped so far as it can't give answers as to what to do with my life for example. Only I can do and change that.

Yes, it's always the patient who has to "do this job". And it seems almost (or even completely) impossible ... maybe all the time - before something in you changes and you suddenly begin to see things differently. (Well, it doesn't have to be so sudden/fast.)

You need to "fill the shell", you need to decide whith what you want to fill it. For this, you need to know yourself more and this is the aim of such a "detailed" therapy.

What do your docs say about the troubles with sleeping?

Good luck with Prozac!!

[AmyeH]

Thanks for the good lucks with the Prozac.

Maybe the feelings of emptiness and nothingness are just the depression talking. Not only that, but if that is to be the case, then this has been going for longer than I realise or admit to. I've been feeling this way since I was probably 13 years old and started to self harm then also. I've had a lot of years of being unfulfilled and unhappy. If the Prozac, or any other medication will help, I hope that it can pull me a bit out of this. And therapy is key too. But it really scares me that I need to rely on medications (which haven't worked so far and have been trying for a year and a half to find the right one/s for me) and that I have to rely on therapy, which I don't know how much can help me. If it can, it is such a long process, it feels like it is going to take years on end to get me anywhere. :eek:

I am feeling again like I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. That's the only way I can describe it. I'm deeply unhappy with my life but couldn't go through with killing myself, at least that's how I feel right now.

I spoke with my psychiatrist here today and we went over some things. Communication is still a but tough as she doesn't speak English but at least this time we weren't rushed to finish so she took the time to understand me properly. First of all, success, what I wanted, to come of off Clonazepam. I tried to come off of it before but I had a withdrawal from it and my head was buzzing and all sorts of things. Now I've been on 0.25mgs once a day for a couple of weeks and (it should be) from tomorrow that I will come off of it completely. I hope I won't have any problems coming off of it again.

Second of all is the sleep issues. The doctor said that it's because of depression and that I have things on my mind. True. Instead of taking 1 Immovane, I'm taking 2 tonight and she said to see of that helps to keep me asleep for longer. That's the max dosage (usually one pill is) so we'll see how I go with that.

[Lana73]

Hi Amy,

I am sorry that you are hurting. I felt empty for a long time. I hope that the therapy with the right medications will help. Maybe not right away. I was on prozac in the past and it balanced me out. I hope you will be able to fall asleep soon becausd it can contribute to your depression as well. Take care, Amy.

[AmyeH]

Thanks

I took 2 sleeping pills (Imovane) last night and asides from still waking up at 4,30am, I slept like a baby. I can slightly feel the after effects this morning, my eyes are a bit closed, I feel a bit groggy and my body is a bit slow, but maybe I will get used to it after a couple of nights and it'll be better. I'll take this sleeping med until I feel like I can sleep fine without it - I've got a feeling it won't be too long, maybe a few weeks max. If the Prozac starts to work, please G-d - then it should sort out the early wakings and bad sleeping in general.

Lana, how do you feel now if you don't mind me asking? Concerning the feelings of emptiness.

I am glad to hear that you had reasonably good experiences with Prozac. I hope I will have the same

I wonder how long it will take for the Prozac to hopefully work? I wonder if it makes a difference that I was previously on an SSRI and switched straight over to the Prozac, so it could take less time to kick in? Interesting.

I'm just really trying to keep calm now. It's weekend time and I am again in the hospital. I haven't been out for 3 weeks now because I haven't been feeling OK. I have the whole bedroom to myself as my 3 roommates have all left for the weekend. I really hope it will be OK and that I won't start to have thoughts about hurting myself and suchlike. I am feeling like I don't want to live but I don't want to die. I feel like I am trapped somewhere in the middle.