Want to hurt myself

[JaiJai]

isnt imovane prescibed in 7.5mg pills? it sounds like you're doubling a reg dose. also you should leave a full 8 hrs after taking it before it wears off. u shouldnt be groggy whe you wake up on it.

[AmyeH]

Thx.

Yes, they come in 7.5mg doses. My psychiatrist here at the hospital said that she wants me to take 2 because nothing else is helping with my insomnia and early wake ups. I tried taking one pill for about a month and I kept waking up during the night. So the idea about taking 2 is to prolong my sleep as much as possible. I don't have a problem falling asleep, it's staying asleep which is the problem.

I'm not groggy as such - my eyes are just a bit heavy and I feel a bit heavy in my body, but I think it's because I slept so much better than I have been doing in the last 2 weeks so perhaps my body is just not used to it. We'll see.

[AmyeH]

Wish there was an easy way out of this. I've been battling for a year and a half, day in day out, with no break. I mean, every minute of every day.

I don't want to live but I don't want to die. It feels horrible. Maybe this is progress, but progress sucks then too. At least I don't want to straight up die.

Feel like I'm going stir crazy in the hospital, haven't been out for 3 weeks, the last time went out I had a panic attack on the bus and had a tough weekend, I am worried about the same happening again.

I don't want to get up in the morning, I just want a break from it all, just one day.

[AmyeH]

I just really don't know what to do with myself any more. I'm in such a mess. I have made such tiny progress in the last year and a half since this started and that is just from therapy. A tiny bit of progress. And I have such a way to go. Too far, too much and too impossible. Too much to take, all of this.

Medications are doing f*** all. Asides from the sleep medication. Hoorah, I slept but I don't want to wake up in the morning so what's the point of sleeping a bit better? I am waking up with tears in my eyes and my stomach turning in on itself because I can't face another day of this life.

What a way to live.

This is not living. I feel like I'm dying. I'm dying inside more and more, each day this goes on.

I want to desperately die but I even more so want to desperately live.

[LaLa]

(((Amy))) .....

I'm sorry I don't know what to say now , I have just one comment about the progress: The progress (or: the process of therapy/healing) is not linear, so you cannot make a linear extrapolation from the past (-tiny, slow) to the future. The journey was slow and the way to go is long, but it doesn't have to be so slow all the time; some changes sometimes happen also quickly. However, it is important to give it all the times it needs. What else would you do if your life in not to focus on getting better and wanting to live (- searching for the new feeling of wish to live)? ...

[Athena]

Hi Amy,

This is the first time I'm chiming in here. Sorry you're so miserable. It is hard being in 'limbo land'. I understand the frustration that comes with slow progress in therapy. I've been at it 14 months and sometimes think I have got worse. Sometimes I'm just so generally anxious I forget what I'm even anxious about. So I'm trying to point to specific things. Otherwise I just rant on about how therapy isn't working or how my past has just been a pile of bad memories or how bringing them up just makes them bigger and more present and that's all just really really unhelpful.

Focussing on specific things does seem to be helping. Deciding specifically what to work on. Compulsions, bad habits, relationships, triggers, dreams. And I try to remind myself what I want out of therapy - the end goal. After all, it is my choice to be there.

Anyway, I managed to calm down a bit by doing this. Maybe you will find it helpful.

[AmyeH]

Thanks for the replies. You guys are so intelligent and caring, you really are.

I don't know what to say back right now asides from thank you. I can't process anything and just feel numb and out of it. I don't know what to do with myself and I am shot.

It's so frustrating. All I can seem to hope is that the new medication I am on will work for me. But I hate relying on medications. But everything is such a mess that it's like the only thing left I can do.

They increased my Prozac dosage yesterday to 30mg, from 20mg, but it can go all the way to 80mg, so I need to have time and patience. I've been on several anti-depressants, probably 7-8, and nothing has worked for me thus far. I hope and pray that this will work for me. The head psychiatrist mentioned about ECT and that turned my stomach. I really don't want to have to go that route.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Any advice is much welcomed.

Thanks for your support.

[LaLa]

How are you Amy?

[AmyeH]

How are you Amy?

Thank you for asking.

I am a bit messed up.

I met with my therapist on Monday and I asked her again about my diagnosis/es. She said that I have two things. The first thing is Major Depression and the second thing is Borderline Personality Disorder.

Before I came to the hospital, I was diagnosed with BPD by my psychologist and psychiatrist. When I came in to the hospital, they said that I have just depression and anxiety. Now, after being here for 11 months nearly have they decided that I do have BPD.

The psychologist said that it's not a regular form of BPD but is more like an acting-in Borderline rather than acting-out.

I feel that there are both pros and cons to the diagnosis of BPD. The good things are that it gives me clarity and clears up a lot of things for me (self harming since the age of 13, lack of sense of self, etc) but the bad things are that I have an illness and that it's messed up.

For 2 days now I've been feeling tons better but am painfully waiting for the next time I am triggered by something happening to me. I'm terrified.

I haven't felt this decent for a few months and wonder if it's the Prozac that is working. I've been taking it for a couple of weeks and the dosage was increased to 60mg today from 30mg. I was previously on an SSRI too for several months. So we'll see how I go with that.

Like I say, I'm just cautious about even feeling better because I know that it can change within an instant. I'm scared to go back to those dark places and want to hurt myself or worse.

How are you?

[LaLa]

... but am painfully waiting for the next time I am triggered by something happening to me. I'm terrified.

...

I'm just cautious about ehttp://community.mentalhelp.net/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=75303ven feeling better because I know that it can change within an instant. I'm scared to go back to those dark places and want to hurt myself or worse

I's good to be cautious, but... not anxious . Don't make it worse for yourself by the fear. You ARE feeling better, so why not to have a good time and let the worries for the future? You are better now, so you should benefit from it now .

How are you?

Thanks, I'm fine. I just don't have as much time for this site as I'd like to and every time I come there, I feel like I've missed so much...

[AmyeH]

Thanks LaLa, I know you are right.

It's something to work on.

BPD is just so tough

[Athena]

BPD is just so tough

Amy,

I can relate. I posted something about the 'acting in' type borderline under the depression forum 'found myself on the internet...'. It's a bit triggering though. I had never heard of this distinction before. Perhaps the stereotype of the 'acting out' borderline made it very hard to diagnose you. MDD is very common with BPD. Dialectic Behaviour Therapy, Schema Therapy, Transference based therapy have all been mentioned as effective treatments for BPD. It would seem meds can only be used to help the depressive symptoms but there doesn't seem to be any meds for the other aspects of BPD. Well, antianxiety meds help - as I think you have discovered.

I have been diagnosed with MDD and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) but I have all the symptoms of BPD and my T is constantly referring to my 'splitting' tendency - which tends to be discussed in the context of BPD.

I think it helps to read up on this stuff - to empower yourself. I just read an article about the distinction between bipolar and BPD. It made a lot of sense, yet a lot of doctors still misdiagnose. It doesn't really matter what the label is. If the collection of symptoms in MDD and BPD match yours then the recommended treatments for those conditions should work for you.

I hope this will start you on a solid road to recovery. My T said he's been reading some encouraging stuff on BPD treatment. Although he refuses to label me (which is good because I don't react well to labels), at least he is reading the current literature on it. I should go ask him what he's reading. I need a shot of hopefulness right now. - I'll pass it along if I can get it.

[AmyeH]

Thanks

And thanks for your words of support.

[Athena]

Hi Amy,

Hope you are doing OK. I wanted to offer up something encouraging.

So I asked my T what he's found so encouraging in the recent literature with respect to BPD. Getting anything out of him seems like trying to get a magician to reveal his secrets. Man, I hate that! Anyway - he offered up one thing: That Psychoanalysts can express how they feel to the patient. (Classical Psychoanalysis did not allow that). It is a new tool so to speak and it's found to be helpful. Unfortunately that's all I got out of him but it's a start. I don't think that a T would tell a patient how the patient makes them feel however until AFTER getting to know the patient, say after a year or so. I must say, I do find it helpful because it either confirms or dispels my fears about the effect I have on others. In fact, simply getting an honest answer about how I affect others, particularly from a professional who knows how to accurately verbalize their own feelings - is just useful information to know period. ie: if you don't know why people keep running away from you, how are you going to stop it?

Not earthshattering stuff but it's something. I'll keep trying to ferret out some more examples from him.

[AmyeH]

That's very nice. Thank you. Much appreciated.

I'm doing good. The Prozac is truly working for me. I've been on it for a few weeks and have had a good week and a half now with no bad times at all. I'm not on to of the world but I am climbing! The anti depressant is really taking the edge off of the depression.

I'm leaving the hospital tomorrow to go to the local mall. It's the first time I've been out in 5 weeks asides from once, a few weeks back which was a total nightmare.

So I hope that I can enjoy my short time out of the hospital tomorrow. I plan on buying my baby niece a gift and treating myself to some nice lunch.

Wish me luck its scary.

[Athena]

You sound like you can handle it now. I'm so glad the drugs are working for you and....

Best of Luck and enjoy your day out:).

[AmyeH]

Thank you.

Yes, I really hope that I'll be able to take it.

I'm out of the hospital gates now and am waiting for the bus. Am feeling ok.

[SweetSue]

Hope that you enjoy your visit to the mall Amye

..... and enjoy your time away from the hospital - I know I enjoy it when Im allowed out for a few hours

Take care

[AmyeH]

Thanks guys and girls. Much appreciated.

I just got back to the hospital. It went fine. I spent a couple of hours there. Bought myself some trainers/sneakers, so that I can properly brisk walk around the hospital grounds now with no blisters! (too much info!). And I bought my niece 4 pieces of clothing for the holidays. Really cute. Treated myself to some mc Donald's! Haven't had it in years but it was good!

Now back in the hospital and twiddling my thumbs not knowing what to really do with myself! It's tough.

I hope to be going to my sister's on the weekend if all goes to plan and I feel still ok.

The medication is making quite a big difference. It was a long time coming, waiting a year and a half to find the right medication for me. How long did it take you to find the right medication or did you not find or are still searching?

[SweetSue]

im glad you had a nice time off the ward

and I hope that you remain feeling ok, to go to your sisters for christmas

a year and a half to find the right meds for you - sheeze, that is a long time, have you been hospitalised for all that time?

they have been altering my meds for a while and i think ive been in hospital for about 6 weeks so far - and that seems long enough. Hopefully they will find the right med balance soon.

Hope the rest of your day goes well

take care

[AmyeH]

Thanks Sue.

I've been in hospital for 11 months... still a long time hey? I was out for 2 weeks and then 3 weeks but had bad relapses so wound up back in the hospital. So not so many breaks from here. It's been a tough ride. Dealing with major depression and anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder.

Ah, you're in hospital too? For 6 weeks so far? Feel free to tell me more about yourself.

Hope the rest of your day goes good too. Thanks.

Amy.

[SweetSue]

aww, 11 months thats a really long time - i know how hard it is on ward - i hope that your in a nice one.

i think ive been in for about 6 weeks this time round - cant really remember. i was in hospital for ages earlier on in the year - then had a month or so break - relapsed and got taken back in. Got released, and with in a week or so OD'd and now im in again. this time round though seems to be helping a little - just wish that my meds would stabalise me better. That and my mood swings would even themself out. i have Borderline personality dissorder, PTSD and schitzophrenia (though that diagnoses i dissagree with completely - and will never accept it). Its a long road - hey hum

Any news of when your be discharged hun?

Take care

sue

[AmyeH]

I'm not sure when I am being released yet. It depends big time on seeing if the Prozac continues to help me. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of work to do after my hospital stay, but something needs to take the edge off. That's happening now so I really hope it will continue.

When I leave the hospital, I'll be going to a full time live-in rehabilitation program which lasts between 1-3 years. Will see how that goes! But at least I know that I am going from a supportive environment to another one.

The hospital here is reasonably OK. The boring hours are a bit difficult to fill and it's not the most modern of wards by far so is a little ran down and not so comfortable. I am luckily in the open ward where you are allowed outside on the hospital grounds and out for day-leave if you're feeling OK. There is also a closed ward here which I have been in a few times after cutting and overdosing (ditto) - It's really unpleasant in there. The only pro is that you feel more safe (which I have needed in the past) and that the ward is more modern, in fact, pretty new. But the people in that ward are in a bad shape and it's difficult to be around. So yeah, luckily I am in the open ward where it's calm most of the time.

A couple of things happened in the last few days which really got to me and it's increased my anxiety. I find it very difficult to be around in the day room with all of the people as I keep having thoughts that something bad is going to happen. Once, a guy went crazy and got tied to a wheelchair and got moved to the closed ward and the other time, I guy got hit in the face but went around going crazy and screaming, and yeah, actually a third time in the last week or two, a guy went totally paranoid and started screaming at someone, asking them to stop shouting at him (they weren't saying anything), he threw hot coffee everywhere and put his fists up ready to fight. I haven't seen him around in the ward since that happened so I guess he's in the closed ward too.

Sounds like you are going through some really tough times Sue. I'm sorry. You're going to be in for the holidays then? Did you receive all of those diagnoses at once or at different times? I totally understand about the need and want for medications to help out. It really is a desperate struggle. I sincerely hope that something will work out for you very soon. How is the hospital where you are?

[Athena]

I'm glad your day out went OK Amy. Hope you get to spend time with your sister and family in the next few days.

[AmyeH]

Thanks.

I should be going to my sister's tomorrow. I'll get the go ahead from my psychiatrist tomorrow morning. Still feeling tons better.