Want to hurt myself

[SweetSue]

im glad your still feeling a lot better - hope all goes ok with p'doc in the morning

[AmyeH]

Thanks.

I hope you are doing well in the hospital Sue.

I had theray this afternoon and my therapist cried again. It's really getting to me. It makes me feel awkward.

We were talking about my 'mum' and I just said that we are wasting our time talking about it and laughed most of the time. Then my therapist started to cry.

[SweetSue]

Hey Amy,

Im doing ok(ish) in the hospital hun - you know how it goes some days are easier to get through than others. The hospital Im in isnt too bad - I suppose. Most of the staff are really nice - which is good. And the grounds here are lovely - when Im allowed out that is . Think Im just having one of those days today. That and sulking coz they wont let me home over christmas - hey hum

Hmmm, i think it would get to me aswell if my therapist started to cry during a session. Therapy can be hard enough without having to worry about the therapists emotions.

Are you okay hun?

Take care

[AmyeH]

I'm glad your hospital sounds good.

I don't know if I'm ok. I'm trying to be! Something shook me up. Maybe it was the session with the therapist - talking about my mums abandonment from me and my sister. I had no emotion or feelings about it. Well. One. And that was anger. That's all I feel is anger. But now, a few hours later, I'm feeling shaky and really on edge.

I don't want to ask for Clonazepam because I want to go to my sisters on the weekend with no problems. I'm just trying to stay calm and feel better.

[SweetSue]

Im sorry your therapy session was so harsh hun

I know that sometimes after Ive seen my therapist I feel really angry, and then after ive calmed down i get really edgy. Can you try meditation - that sometimes helps me with feeling edgy.

I understand you not wanting to ask for meds, through not wanting to risk not being allowed to go to your sisters. But if you feel you need to - then please ask a nurse for the Clonazepam. They wont hold it against you, and its better that you ask for help if you need it. It shows them that you are trying to keep in control of how you are feeling.

Take care hun

[AmyeH]

Thanks Sue. I appreciate the advice.

I just really look forward to going out of the hospital to my sisters.

The hospital atmosphere is very on edge and my roommate is in a very bad mood - she has very bad anger.

Now we're being let in to our rooms after dinner and im scared to face her! I just want calm and normal surroundings.

[SweetSue]

oh Amy

Im sorry hun - I had a room mate not so long back during one of my previous stays. Its not always easy. And at times can push you to your limits - especially if your scared.

Can you request another room. Im sure if you explain why to a understanding nurse they will consider it. In the past Ive had to request that too, and although Ive had to wait till a room has become available I eventually get moved - and feel safer for it.

Im lucky I have a room of my own - but the other night i was woken up by another patient screaming at me in my room - and that was enough to scare me no end - I was up for the rest of the night after that.

Are you allowed your laptop in your room?

Coz if you are I will try and pop on line later on tonight and see how things are going.

I know your looking forward to going to your sisters hun - and i hope with all my heart that in the morning the p'doc gives you the go ahead

Try and remain calm if you can.

Take care

sue

[AmyeH]

Thanks Sue. You are sweet.

My roommate is in a craze about wanting to leave the hospital. She's very angry and says that she is over medicated. She's talking very abruptly to the nurses and I fear for her. If she continues on acting the way she is then she'll be sent to the closed ward. It's that bad. It's a long story but she's basically extremely angry, shaking and talking at 10000 words per minute. And we're stuck in the room with her like this. It's very unpleasant.

Hopefully the evening will pass quickly and she'll wake up feeling better.

We are allowed our laptops and I have mine with me. But I'm using my phone to post with now. I'm too on edge to get up and get my laptop out. I wouldn't know what to do on it anyway.

She is usually ok - just went on one rage before knocking everything over and trying to smash things. Hopefully that won't happen again.

Wow, your own room. Sounds grand. I am in with another 2 girls and one spare bed.

If I move rooms, I'll just be with someone else with some other issue.

Ahh 7.40pm. Just want the day to be over.

[SweetSue]

Thanks Sue. You are sweet.

My roommate is in a craze about wanting to leave the hospital. She's very angry and says that she is over medicated. She's talking very abruptly to the nurses and I fear for her. If she continues on acting the way she is then she'll be sent to the closed ward. It's that bad. It's a long story but she's basically extremely angry, shaking and talking at 10000 words per minute. And we're stuck in the room with her like this. It's very unpleasant.

Hopefully the evening will pass quickly and she'll wake up feeling better.

We are allowed our laptops and I have mine with me. But I'm using my phone to post with now. I'm too on edge to get up and get my laptop out. I wouldn't know what to do on it anyway.

She is usually ok - just went on one rage before knocking everything over and trying to smash things. Hopefully that won't happen again.

Wow, your own room. Sounds grand. I am in with another 2 girls and one spare bed.

If I move rooms, I'll just be with someone else with some other issue.

Ahh 7.40pm. Just want the day to be over.

Awww hun

That sounds so scarey. I'm on my phone too - my laptop needs recharging but I don't want to ask the nurse to recharge it yet - incase I need it later.

I hope that things settle in your dormatry soon and that you have a peaceful night

Take care

[AmyeH]

Thank you Sue.

Things are OK.

My roommate spoke with the psychiatrist here on the night shift and he helped calm her down.

Am so glad the day is done with. Oh what a day!

I hope you are well Sue.

[SweetSue]

Morning Amy

Im glad your room mate calmed down hun

Is it today you find out if you can go to your sisters this weekend?

Hope that you get good news

[AmyeH]

Good morning to you.

It's 1.15 pm here now and I'm on the bus to my sister's. Everything is very overwhelming and loud and crowded. But I am staying reasonably calm.

The nurse gave me 2x 1mg of Clonazepam in case I'll need it. I don't plan on taking it though I hope that I'll be nice and calm once I am at my sister's.

My roommate says she's sick from her medications and the psychiatrist won't lower it more than 50mg (from 450mg) so its a power struggle. She says she wants to leave the hospital because of the medications issues. She wants to go hollistic and come off of the meds. She was still very upset and angry this morning and it wasn't nice to be around. I hope for her own sake, she calms down and sorts herself out because she's making herself sick even more so.

How are you doing Sue? I hope you are well.

[SweetSue]

YAY !!!! oh you have really cheered me up - Im so pleased you were allowed to go to your sisters

Its still morning here - 11:30(ish). Ive manage to pick up a virus or something so Im feeling pretty rundown at mo - so Im staying in bed again today. Which is kinda good, I dont cope too well with being around people and hate it when I have to go to the dayroom for their daily staff and patient meeting - too many people!!!

I hope that your room mate manages to calm herself down, coz I know only too well that if you create too much of a fuss where meds and that are concerned, or if you get too angry - you can end up on the closed ward

Still I hope you enjoy your time with your sister, and that you have a good christmas

Take care

[AmyeH]

I hope you are feeling better Sue.

I've had a hard time at my sister's. Am going back to the hospital tonight.

Not a happy bunny

[Lana73]

Amy, how are you?

[AmyeH]

Have had a tough time out of the hospital. Things were overwhelming outside as I haven't been out of the hospital or in the city for about 5 weeks.

Then with my sister, her husband And the baby it was difficult. My mood has been very low and I had trouble talking. Then eating too because I had anxiety. I don't know why I need to be nervous or feel that way about them.

I just went to leave my sisters to go back to the hospital and started to cry. I don't want to go back to the hospital but outside is difficult also. I don't know where I belong. My sister asked if I wanted to stay over again tonight and I said yes.

I just really feel like a mess.

[eppursimuove]

hope u feel better, try to calm down. and dont feel like a mess AmyeH, ur been for a long time in the hospital its probably normal to feel anxiety so just try to not think to much and enjoy been with ur sister and her baby.

[AmyeH]

Thanks.

I'm trying to keep things in perspective but it's difficult. I can't take the outside world but I can't take the hosital anymore. it's a catch 22. And I can't help feeling like a mess.

I got back to the hospital and they gave me Clonazepam. It helped a bit. They let me in my room to rest in my bed. The doors are normally locked between these hours.

Just feeling quite low about everything.

[SweetSue]

im sorry that your feeling low about everything Amy

thinking of you

take care hun

sue

[AmyeH]

Thanks Sue. I appreciate it.

[AmyeH]

I feel like I can't take it both inside and outside of the hospital. It feels like I don't belong anywhere.

[eppursimuove]

I feel like I can't take it both inside and outside of the hospital. It feels like I don't belong anywhere.

everytime i read this forum i find similar toughs.

[SweetSue]

I feel like I can't take it both inside and outside of the hospital. It feels like I don't belong anywhere.

In some ways Ditto

Im scared of leaving the safety of the hospital, ok - so I know realistickly going home full time isnt even a option for me yet.... however I know one day it will be.

Ive been in hospital for more than Ive been home this past couple of years or so. And for now I know it is the safest place for me to be, as I cant trust myself most of the time. I hate being in hospital, and usually will get out of it as soon as I am able to pretend I am better. (which I have done many times in the past - just to get out!!!)

This time round though, I am trying to be a little more realistic - and a lot more honest, with the p'doc and nursing team that are caring for me. Coz I know that I cant keep doing this cycle of s/i'ing and OD'ing, coz the cycles are now becoming worse - especially after the last bit of freedom I had. Yeah not a good idea to do drink, drugs and meds

Welcome to catch 22, dont want to be in hospital - coz hospitals are really scarey at times, you have no freedom and at times no dignity and are occasionally spoken to like dirt or talked down too. You cant answer back or stick up for yourself coz then you get put on a closed ward for trouble making. Its crazy. But they are also a safe place to be and can help you to find balance - eventually. And more importantly they keep ya alive. (which also annoys me when Im suicidal). At home, Im just not responsible. Yeah sure, I can go to work - but to get through my day at work I need to over medicate, then straight after work hit the pubs and nightclubs etc.... just to numb myself out enough to be able to cope with the crap that goes on inside my head. And that causes big problems.

Dont want to be in hospital - dont want to be home.

Hmmm, think I shoulda just said 'Ditto' and left it at that - sorry for boring ya with my own thoughts.

I dont know the solutions, Im hoping that in time with the help of the staff, and therapy, medication etc... that things will work out and by the time Im released out into the real world again - I will have adjusted enough to be able to cope, without the fear of resorting to how I have been.

Take care hun.

[AmyeH]

Ditto.

I'm so fed up in the hospital but I know I can't be outside. Especially seeing the weekend I had at my sister's. I feel like a mess. I really do. I guess it's going to take more time to heal and get better in the hospital before I can take the outside world.

It feels like I'm

Inbetween. Don't belong here, neither there.

Down and out.

[eppursimuove]

i dont know why but i tough in this song.