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frazzled1

Gaslighting UPDATE

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I now know how long a sane person stays in a crazy situation. Until they leave or themselves go crazy.

I threw a fit today and a ceramic dinner plate. Don't worry I didn't hurt anyone nor was I trying to I just wanted to hear something break besides my spirit. I am still my happy self but I cannot take it any more. He comes home every day and tells me what an awful person I am and how he wants me to leave. He is ruining my 19 y/o daughter's vacation. I haven't seen her in 4 years and now she has to spend a week with me being bashed and belittled by him.

I feel bad for her.:(

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"Until they leave or themselves go crazy."

Sounds about right. So, which is it going to be?

I had exactly the same dilemma with my ex-wife. From that experience I feel entitled to ask ... What do you get from staying?

For me, it was a concept of my identity as a "Husband and Father". I only realized later that those weren't even true, that the whole thing was something I had invented, a lie I had told myself. But it kept me in a situation most people would have run from long before.

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You know malign even in my own head it doesn't make sense. I was talking to my daughter today and I reasoned that I spend so much of my brains energy exploring my subconscious self that I am frequently absent consciously, aware but inactive. I just like the comfort of an old pair of shoes even if they are falling apart and one has become uncomfortable I still wear them. It isn't because I don't like change I love change. I think it is because I don't like waste or uncertainty. And I don't like the settling into change process. I want every drop of juice and pulp from the orange even if it means eating a few seeds and some rind. If a change is to occur in my life I prefer to study it as it happens rather than participate in the choices and commitments involved/required. I have often said that I could live on top of a pole if I could just be allowed to LIVE there.

Damned thing is I like this about me. I love my stupidity as much as my intelligence. I guess maybe I feel like it's the one part of my inner child that is still active in my life.

Curiosity I know killed the cat and it may kill me too but I delight in so much of the ordinary that it seems a waste to kill off the curiosity.

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You know what else I was just thinking... I enjoy my own discord. I am a very balanced person in that what I take from one side I must take from the other and what I give etc. etc. I have come to a point in this relationship ( long ago) where I have stopped participating so much as studying (a lull in conscious effort I guess). Where I have removed the personal involvement on his side, I have multiplied it on my own. And where I have forgotten/disregarded the feelings involved...indeed the people, I have become acutely aware of the cause and effect.

LMAO I have a mad scientist switch apparently. I don't, with conscious intention create situations to observe but ...let me see if I can explain this so I don't sound like a loon.

I am a natural practioner of psychological tai chi. The more freedom I have to be myself and explore/observe the world in it's natural state, the faster my subconscious picks up on things. However, I do suffer OCD and have a tendancy to become fixated when something is not right according to my mind. So my mind slows, tenfold, to an intentional pace. Like a mechanic who takes apart an engine, when it is done just because or when already aware of the cause of the problem it goes quickly because they know what they are doing. But, when it is an engine that has never been dealt with by the mechanic or if the problems are many or unknown, the process goes much slower to be as thorough as possible.

Unfortunately this causes me to add to the problems in most situations because much of my psychological energy goes into observation, diagnosis, and repair (if possible), so communication becomes insignificant, participation suffers, and emotional involvement fades and/or disappears.

Well thank you for evoking this enlightening response. :) It was actually quite an epiphany. Now I just need to figure out how to add or subtract from my pattern of behavior to grow from this new knowledge. Any suggestions???

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