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benji

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Hi petperson. I'm not feeling so well. I did tell my partner some of the dreams, but he was half asleep at the time. I might try to share it with my therapist on Wednesday. I knwo it was a dream, but it came from my own head. There have been a lot of things I saw yesterday that triggered related memories and I don't even know what i feel anymore. I can't stand anything about myself. I feel bad and wrong and evil inside. Logically (because of therapy) I know I should be linking these feelings to things my mother did and said to me as a kid and realize they aren't reality, but it still feels like reality, it feels like it sinks all the way to my core and I can't shake it. It doesn't matter what I do. I will always be wrong somehow and i need to be punished for it to feel ok.

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Hi, Benji,

I'm sorry, too, that you felt that "noboy cared" and had these SI urges again... :(

We can't blame ourselves for our dreams! You say that it's your head who created them, but... you even don't know why and what it was trying to express by them! You just assume that doing horrible things in your dreams means another proof of being bad. But that's not the logic of dreams. They are often very hard to interpret and the interpretations that we have intuitively may be entirely wrong, because we're misled by the superficial images, by the "clothes" which the ideas are hidden in.

One thing I've read about dreams and I consider very rational is that when they are vivid, strong, ... - nightmares in one word - then it means that our unconsciousness is struggling with someting important and is maybe even trying to alarm the consciousness about a problem that should be faced, resolved.

When I'm looking at the dreams you described, I have these impressions (I know it's subjective, but I think it might be helpful to look at the dreams from another perspective than from the one you're doing it so far):

The violence and awful scenes were there as a metaphoric expression of your internal distress. You feel horrible during the day and your unconsciousness both vents these emotions in a different way (in different, unrealted, unreal and more expressive contexts) and tries to "show you" that "there really is a problem that you need to solve"; it brings you more emotions to reinforce your motivation to change your situation.

The horrible things you do to others in your dream may be a symbol of the horrible things that you do to yourself (and so, as a side-effect, also to your close-ones, but... they aren't as much affected as you, I'm sure...) in your real life.

The motif that you were forced to do horrible things might be explained by your unconscious feeling that you're manipulated by something (or somebody) and that "the bad things" that you do (now I mean the real-ones, not those in your dream) are a result of somebody's/something's too strong influence. It occurs to me that it might be seen for instance as:

- the influence of your mother: you are suffering because of all the signs/results of the attitude (= self-hate) that your mother has caused

- (when we don't want to be so "personal" and want to refere to the present, not the past) the influence of your hatefulness against yourself

- the control your mental illness has over you and your life

- the expression of your feeling that you can't act freely and that if you could, you would be much better - but here again, when you analyze the reasons of this lack of freedom, you may probably come to the conclusion that your mental illness and the self-hate, which is proabably it's core, are the reasons...

BTW, the med could be the reason of the much stronger, more vivid form of the dreams.

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It doesn't matter what I do. I will always be wrong somehow and i need to be punished for it to feel ok.

I'm sure you know this is irrational. But maybe you didn't realize that one of the logical flaws in this is that: If you were wrong and deserved to be punished, then you should not punish yourself, because the punishment makes you feel OK/better - what you don't deserve (as the premise says). So, this meand that if you were bad, you should suffer from being bad, but not from SI, because SI makes it somehow easier to you. And, of course, if you are not bad, then SI is not good either. Conclusion: No logical argument for SI ;).

I know; feelings don't follow the logic :(. However, you still have your reason which can interfere on the path from the feeings to your actions: You may feel like punushing yourself, but you also may tell yourself not to do it because it causes only more (secondary) problems - and you may obey the reason. Doesn't it help to think about the pain you cause by your SI to your partner or even others who know it?

Hugs,

L.

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Thanks for responding, LaLa. There might be something to your thoughts about the dream. I just don't know. I still feel wrong and unwanted anywhere. I even feel bad posting on this site. I feel like no one wants me here either. Maybe that's my own flawed thinking, but it's still how I feel anyway.

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Nice to see you here again :)!

What do you use in your mind to support the impression that "no one wants you here"?? Does our rather sporadic presence here (which, btw, has nothing to do with you, of course) give you the impression that we aren't here for you when you'd need us, so it must mean we don't care and don't want you here :(? And do you really think it's so? ;)

Maybe that's my own flawed thinking, but it's still how I feel anyway.

Feelings like this CAN be influenced by reason, it just takes time and effort. Don't stay with the feeling, try to beat it, when it comes, with your reason. You might share here the arguments you'll use to do it; it's often useful to write this kind of thinking down.

How are you today?

Take care!

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"no one wants me here" is just a feeling. It seems to be pretty standard.

Today has been an adventure. A lot of things have been exploding. There is some serious family drama going on. I don't even know who to believe anymore and both sides seem to feel the need to use me as a messenger. I suppose that means I'm useful for something. Yay me. I don't think I want to post the details online in case any of them might see it and recognize it.

I see my therapist again tomorrow. Apparently another week went by already.

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Oh, yeah; family dramas can be hurtful... :(

When they use you as a messenger, it might mean they trust you and know you're not "taking sides" - and that is positive ;).

If you'd like to write more details so that nobody except for the members of this community could see it, you might post it on your blog here - it's invisible for public and you also can set it as accessible only for some members you chose.

I hope therapy will be comforting...

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I'm reading but I don't feel like I have anything to contribute that would be helpful. What would you like from us? As you may guess from my username here, I work on accepting the parts of myself that feel evil, so I can relate a little bit, maybe, to how awful your dream was to you.

Do you know how to ask for what you need or want? That's frequently a problem for those of us who feel like our needs are wrong and expressing them in our childhood resulted in punishment. It's very, very hard to overcome that.

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What happened to make you feel like this again? :(

You do deserve to be loved and happy. I can see you don't admit it now, because of your depression :(, but that's why you have people who care and like you: To remind you that you do matter, that you're worth love and care...

I'm sending you a big hug. I hope there's somebody who will hug you "in reality" ;)...

Take care and don't "submit" to your irrational thoughts and feelings...

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I think i need to shut my brain off, or my head off. Off with my head. Life shouldn't be about trying too hard to not feel bad. Everyday is grinning and bearing it. That gets old. I'd like to feel okay for real instead of trying to force it on myself. I don't believe people when they say positive things. I think they are lying just to shut me up. Or they're only trying to be nice because I'm annoying and they don't want to look bad. But I don't deserve anything more than that so what does it matter. This is how I always feel. Nothing new here. It just is. A lot has gone on within my family in the last few days and that's just making things more difficult. Maybe i will make a blog post about it so people can't see it. I don't know if i have it in me to lay it all out tonight though. I just want to not think right now.

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Yes, it's good to "turn off the brain" sometimes... :( Meditation techniques can be very helpful (people say; I haven't tried). Maybe you could give it a try and learn some...

And as for an "acute solution": Maybe some music could help...?

Several members here, as well as my ex-therapist, used to teach me that we can't believe others when they tell us positive things about us until we start believing those things ourselves. And it's in accordance with my experiences. But also that paying attention to the positive things others say is helpful for the process of change...

A blog would be fine, I think ;).

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