Boyfriend suffering from depression, SPS (i think) and many others...

[CrazyPenguin]

I don`t know where to post this, because he could qualify for more than one category in this forum. So i`ll start by telling our story.

My boyfriend an i are together for 8 months now. He is 38, i`m 29.

When we started talking, he told me about his problems. That he is suffering from depression and anxiety, that he is on antidepressives, that he has a small penis, that he has a low self esteem, and so on. So i started talking with him about all of these.

During our talks i found out that when he was in his 20`s he had a girlfriend that left him because of his small penis. He felt devastated, his self esteem vanished, and because he was so depressed his doctor put him on medication.

We both love each other so much, but it seems, that lately, we love each other in different ways. I am really attracted to him, his penis is big enough for me (around 13-14cm), and i could easily say he`s the best i ever had from all points of view.

He always had problems with his sex drive because of the medication, and i tried to be as understending as i could. Did not put pressure on him at all. When it happened, it happened. But slowly he became more and more distant about his sexuality. Never let me see him naked. And the sex subject was out of discussion.

A few weeks ago, he tells me, he does not feel attracted to me anymore, but he still loves me so much, and maybe we should be just friends. After a good night sleep, he realized that we both love each other too much, and that he will do what it takes to make this work. He also told me, that in the last years, almost every relationship he had ended this way. He stopped feeling sexual attraction, and the girl left. I could not do that. I suggested that maybe he should go to counseling, or we could go together. He said yes, maybe that would help.

We don`t live together, but we plan to. Now i`m visiting him, and honest to god, i don`t know what to do. He does not even kiss me, just short closed mouth kisses. He barely hugs me. He is more friendly when we are outside the bedroom. When we both are in bed, he barely holds my hand.

I know i have to be patient, i know i have to let him know that he is loved, and i will never push him away because of his condition. But besides that, what else can i do?

He has such an ugly image of himself! Every time he complains about the way he looks, he always mention something about his small penis. He really really hates his penis. Sometimes he tells me that he just can`t understand how i`m so crazy about him, how come i love him so much. I always tried to make him understand that no matter how ugly, fat, etc he might see himself, i see him with my own eyes.

I wanted to talk to him last night. He said short: "i`m too tiered". I wanted to suggest that we could make short steps. Starting with a kiss, untill he feels comfortable enough with that, and then move forward. But i`m even affraid to suggest something like that. I even bought some sexy lingerie, but i`m so scared about being rejected that i just left them in they`re boxes.

So, considering what i wrote here, how can i get myself close to him again?

I have to apologise if i made some spelling mistakes, english is not my primary language.

And again i have to apologise if i posted in the wrong place )

Have a good day!

[LaLa]

Hello, CrazyPenguin, welcome

No need to aplogise - you've chosen the right forum (and even if not, it wouldn't matter) and your English is very good (I'm not an Anglopohone either and mine is certainly worse, but people here are OK with it ).

The problem you describe is sad and complicated and would need much time... The anxieties, depression, and problems with sexuality are probably just a result from your boyfriend's body-image and very low self-esteem. I'm not sure if pair-counseling would be the right choice because your problem is not in the way you "work, interact" together: What he would need the most is a good psychotherapy to uncover the hidden reasons of his self-hate and to overcome it - that's something he has to work on alone with a therapist (or maybe in a group therapy, I don't know, but...). You'd also benefit from a support and insights - it has to be very difficult for you... So the counseling for pairs would probably be a good supplement to his own therapy.

It's good that he's on medication; it seems he can at least cope with the depression, but medication only attenuated the symptomes, it can't resolve anything. And he would really need a big change of the way he sees himself. (It can take some years. To me, it took around 2 years of therapy. I hated myself and was suicidal, even with a great and supportive boyfriend and then husband. So I can tell you that it's really hard to be able to accept love from others when one hates oneself so much... But I can also tell you that big changes are possible . Now I'm much better and even like myself. And my husband was able to stay with me for all the long and difficult 10 years before that change... Yes; my problems didn't manifest in such a strong manner as those of your boyfriend, but... it was really something that most people would be unable to "tolerate"...)

You need to understand that your efforts are important, but cannot cause "the big change" - it's not up to you to change him, you can only accompany him on his way towards the change. So don't have too big aims/ambitions; you'd be too frustrated. Mainly don't start to blame yourself for his problems.

I wanted to talk to him last night. He said short: "i`m too tiered". I wanted to suggest that we could make short steps. Starting with a kiss, untill he feels comfortable enough with that, and then move forward. But i`m even affraid to suggest something like that. I even bought some sexy lingerie, but i`m so scared about being rejected that i just left them in they`re boxes.

So, considering what i wrote here, how can i get myself close to him again?

So last night was not the right time. But that's not a reason to give up. Your suggestions sound very good! Just find the right time to talk to him.

I know rejection feels bad, but when you know that it's possible and that the reason of it would not be that "you're not attractive enough", but only that "he had mental problems (possible to overcome in time)", then maybe it could be less scary: You can give a try to the lingerie some day when you both will be in a rather good mood. Prepare yourself for possible rejection; reconsiliate with it in advance, explain to yourself that it's not really scary, that you can cope with it and keep hoping that another time, you won't be rejected.

BTW, there are ways of getting satisfaction from him also without him being aroused, so you could try this before he becomes "interested in sex" again. He loves you, so I suppose this would be pleasant for him, too. (And he could loose his probable frustration about not being able to satisfy you.)

So, to summarize; he can change, but only in cooperation with a good therapist. Your role is important, but you're not the one who can do the change.

Good luck! And keep asking and sharing your thoughs here if it helps!

[CrazyPenguin]

You have no idea how much your words ment to me. Thank you. Sometimes i find miself so close to the edge, so close to that point where i say "ok, this is too hard!".

Funny thing is, that his parents are both psychologists, but never told them a word about his problems. All they know is that he takes antidepressives. Wich now, he is so addictive to, that even if he is late a couple of hours with his pill, he has some nasty symptoms.

Sometimes i feel that he knows that everything is in his head, he know he is attractive, but he prefer to take the easy way, by letting me know that i have to accept him the way he is now. He even told me that somehow, in a strange way, he likes to feel sorry for himself. Maybe he just got used to being this way so bad that he is affraid of change.

While i was writing this, i said, ok, maybe it`s time to get on that battlefield and get me a kiss. And i did. And he responded! He actually gave me a kiss! I had to push it for a bit, made a joke, made him laugh, and there it was, a true nice kiss! I did how you said. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

If i would have not loved him so much, and i would have not apreciated him so much, by now, i would probably be out from his life a long time ago. And thank god, at least he knows that, and he knows it all the time.

Tomorrow i`m going to speak with him again about counseling. I`m sure he is going to mention the "money" problem, but i`ll figure out how to convince him. Is not really a problem, but more of an excuse. This is the only thing that scares me the most. That he is so used to be like this, that he would rather lose me than to give his best on changing. Changing is not the best word, maybe healing is more appropriate.

Thank you again for your reply, that was so nice of you.

[lifeless existence]

He's smaller than average (6"/15.4cm) so it's not SPS. In my opinion, your boyfriend fears sexual intimacy because he's afraid that he can't satisfy you due to his size and you'll leave him because of it. So in order to protect him from being hurt, his mind has shut off his sex drive. I think the playful way that you got him to kiss you is really a step in the right direction. You got him to relax and let go of his fears a little. Keep going with that fun approach to intimacy and see what happens. It takes the pressure off and that's what he needs right now. You sound like a very supportive and compassionate girlfriend. He's lucky to have you and I bet you he knows it too.

[LaLa]

I'm glad that you feel better and I'm pleased that you succeeded with the kissing !! Nice step forward!

Wich now, he is so addictive to, that even if he is late a couple of hours with his pill, he has some nasty symptoms.

It's not an addiction, at least not a negative-one. It's important to take the AD in time and the withdrawal symptoms are natural and occur every time, that's why any AD has to be - when the doctor decides it's already the time for it - finally taken in smaller and smaller doses - the brain needs very slow change, an abrupt end is dangerous. It's normal and you don't have to worry about this - he's not "an addict", he's just a patient in treatment and this is how it usually works...

He even told me that somehow, in a strange way, he likes to feel sorry for himself. Maybe he just got used to being this way so bad that he is affraid of change.

It's good that he's willing to admit and even "reaveal" it!! It would be much harded if he tried to deny it even to himself. When he knows it, he can think about it, considerate the pros and cons, ... and also decide to fight it. In therapy, he would have to analyze where this feeling comes from, what it's bringing to him, how he imagines the alternatives, ... But if you'd like to, you might try to talk about it with him, too. Just because you're interested in him and want to understand him more (then it's easier for you to be with him... and he feels good that you want to understand), not because trying to heal him just by that talk. It's possible, for instance, that he felt often sorry for himself as a child (and also either missed the compassion of him family, or received too much compassion and get used to it too much) and so it's too natural for him, he feels the comfort of the well-known feeling and might be scared that without it, he wouldn't get similarly positive feelings. But he has to try it - give it a chance to see that other possibilities can be pleasant, too...

I'm glad to see also that you've got the reaction from LL who himself suffers from a similar problem (related to the size...) and other problems related to it. He gives you the insights "from the other side", so to say...

And I agree wiht him that your boyfriend is very lucky to have you...

[CrazyPenguin]

Waw, thank you guys for the nice words!!

Last night, i saw him a little more relaxed, and we started to talk. Now we live in different countries, but soon i`ll move in with him. This makes things a little more difficult for the moment. So, for the moment, i gave him "homework" to do: find a counselor that he likes and he feels ok in his presence. With me, he`s like an opened book. I told him last night that i would NEVER leave him for something like that. He was so surprised, because he finds it so hard to believe that someone loves him so much. And, LaLa3, thank for making clear to me that this is a normal thing while someone is having these problems. Difficulties in accepting love, because of the low self esteem. And i also told him that. That i understand now why he feels like that.

He knows about the problem very well, but mostly he blames it on the antidepressives (no interest in any sexual behavior). But i don`t. He is affraid that i might put too much faith in counseling and those would fail. But hey, what could go wrong?

I was thinking to ask him to try some exercices with his mind. I am relating the fact that when you are in love with a person, you fantasise a lot about that person. And i was thinking to ask him to try to think about romantic scenarios, or even more. Even if he does not feel in the mood. Just close his eyes and imagine he is in some place with me. Make him remember what he used to feel, think, when he wanted to have sex, and think about that. And after a while, to try to relate those thoughts with body pleasure (self pleasuring while i`m gone).

Thank you lifeless existance for those kind words. I didn`t know what was the average size. I haven`t spoken with anybody about this except in here.

For me is not pretty logic to set an "average size". Because that depends from race to race (from what i`ve read by googgleing). And an average size for a woman might be enough, and for another might be too much, or too small. So why is it a standard? My god... Maybe that is set by taking feedback from the population. I don`t know, but it sure does not make any sense to me. Anyway, his fears are not about the lenght. Thickness is what is bothering him.

When i met him he had a pretty bad phimosis. And for that, in April this year he had a circumcision made. Because that foreskin was bothering him during sex. When he first saw his penis after the operation he was shocked!! He thought that his penis now looks so much more smaller than it used to be, he actually compared it with a button. My god... and since then things got worse and worse. At some stage i thought i might lose him because he was so depressed. He felt mutilated. Now i think those thoughts are almost over, but i sure know that things are so much worse than they used to be since then.

After last night, this morning i found him to be more friendly, in a much better mood, and i didn`t felt him steping back when i was touching his skin or grabing his face for a kissing session. Even though i know he hates it lol. I know things will be rough, and we will have ups and downs, but every single bit of effort that i put in this relationship is worth it.

Thank you guys for all the suport and kind words. It`s not easy being in my shoes either. I love him so much and it hurts like hell seing him like that, or feeling rejected. Specially as a woman with my own insecurities.

Again, thank you for finding the time to reply in here!

[NormKeegel]

I'm glad to see that things are improving for you. Many men have the impression that their penis is smaller than average. When I read the Kinsey Report many years ago, i measured my penis and compared it with what they said was the average. i was pleasantly surprised. I know you said his worry is thickness, not length. But really, there's so much in lovemaking between a man and woman that does not involve a penis!

I think you're on the right track with the things you're doing. The best thing you can do for both of you is to feel good about yourself. I like the idea of counseling and fantasies, not putting any pressure on him to perform. Focusing on touching and kissing.

Remember though, in the end it's up to him whether he's willing to feel good about himself and especially his body. give yourself kudos for what you are doing for the realtionship.

[LaLa]

I'm pleased to see the improvement and your advises to him, too!

For me is not pretty logic to set an "average size". Because that depends from race to race (from what i`ve read by googgleing). And an average size for a woman might be enough, and for another might be too much, or too small. So why is it a standard? My god... Maybe that is set by taking feedback from the population. I don`t know, but it sure does not make any sense to me.

I can only agree wth you! I also think this is very absurd! Imagine that the main thing that causes all this suffering it the fact that some stupid people have done such a kind of statistics!!! If anybody would have no idea about the sizes of others, everybody (or almost...) could be fine with their/his size! Just the comparing with others si so frustrating! And also those women who are so heartless that they laught at "small-ones" and/or are harsh to these men. Really a very ugly situation...

[CrazyPenguin]

Hi again!

I found some free time to post in here. We are sure making progress. Usually i had to insist a bit for the kiss, but now he has the courage to initiate one. He has the will to give me a kiss. Yesterday we both had a great day, took a road trip, spend the entire day only the two of us, took some cute photos. All good!

And last night, for the first time since we`ve met, he exteriorized some feelings. He was sad, and he was holding me in his arms so tight (usually i hold him), and i asked him, "what`s wrong". And he said with the saddest voice ever: "i`m gonna miss you so much!" (i`m leaving in a couple of days for 2 months). This was the first time when his words match with the tone of his voice. Not cold words, witch i knew they meant allot anyway, but his feelings were out at the surface. His sadness was my happiness. I don`t think he realize how important those words were. I don`t think he even realize that in a week he made quite a progress with accepting intimacy, even at a small level. A kiss, a touch. I`m not gonna point that out. I`m gonna let it be all natural and normal, not part of a healing process.

Thank you, NormKeegel for your reply! I am aware of that, that we can please each other in so many ways. But for him is a nightmare even being naked in front of me. Is a torture only the thought that he is naked in my presence. He once told me, that not even in the shower, he is not looking at his penis. He tries to avoid it so much. I think he wants to forget that he even has one. He is so embarrassed about his size...But yes, he does want to change. And not because of me. He knows he is in deep pain, and when he thinks about it in the future, that at some stage he is going to feel better, he really wants to do it. I made him think about that, think about that moment when he will learn how to accept himself, and how to deal with his problems. And i saw some hope in his eyes.

Tonight we`re gonna talk about him starting to fantasize. I know he`s gonna step back, but i have some logical arguments to sustain my theory. And he does like something that`s logical. I just have to think about it really well, to find out how to start the conversation, to have my speech ready. And whatever he says, i`ll have to be prepared with the right answer. I don`t want to find myself in a checkmate situation. Because he is smart, and i know he`s gonna try to twist my words, and figure out excuses to end the discussion, or to convince me that this won`t work before he even gives it a chance. I just have to figure out the perfect scenario for him to start with, and feel comfortable in the same time.

LaLa3 sadly there are standards about the woman body also, and i think you know that. And so many women are desperate to change something at their bodies that they go for plastic surgery. I can understand if a woman wants to correct something that changed in time, to bring it to a more close image of what she is used to see in the mirror. And this way, preventing some depression maybe. But i sure don`t understand so many others... At least we have that option, and it`s not to complicated. But i got frightened, quite shocked when i looked about the risks of a penis enlargement surgery. My god. Because a few months ago i was actually thinking to suggest that to him. And i changed my mind because of two reasons: 1. He might start to think that i agree with his obsession, and i find his penis small. 2. Way to many risks!!

Thank you all for giving the time to write to me, and i hope you have a great day!!

[lifeless existence]

He once told me, that not even in the shower, he is not looking at his penis. He tries to avoid it so much. I think he wants to forget that he even has one.

I think this is common among us. I won't look at mine either.

But i got frightened, quite shocked when i looked about the risks of a penis enlargement surgery. My god. Because a few months ago i was actually thinking to suggest that to him. And i changed my mind because of two reasons: 1. He might start to think that i agree with his obsession, and i find his penis small. 2. Way to many risks!!

Thank goodness you changed your mind. He definitely would have been certain that you suggested it because you think he's too small.

Keep up the good work, CrazyPenguin. He hit the lottery when he found you.

[CrazyPenguin]

We had a small talk about this subject before we first had sex. He told me about his size, guess he was trying to warn me about any disappointments i might have. And i remember that he said something about this surgery. And i told him, that if we don`t match downstairs, i could make myself on his size, with so much less effort and complications. I tried to be as honest as i could, to assure him that i`m not gonna lie, and i`m not gonna pretend. But, after i saw that there is no need for something like that, and i told him so, i thought that things will be ok with his fears. I had no idea how much this affects him. I had no idea about all his suffering. Sometimes i`m so filled with anger. Sometimes i`m imagining scenarios when i meet that ex-girlfriend of his, and...

He also complains about that he has some extra weight. But i`m not recommend any diet plans, until he knows for sure, that if he wants to change something at his body, and he sees me supportive is because i love him and i`ll be there for him no matter what. And if he wants to do something at least i`ll make sure he takes the right decisions. He has to do it for his own self esteem. Not for me. I fell in love with him the way he is now, plus i like that in a man, a bit of extra weight. And for that, he thinks i`m weird.

Thank you so much for your kind words lifeless. It really is nice of you. Thank you.