finding my way Posted August 24, 2012 Report Share Posted August 24, 2012 LaLa, I guess I'm not clear on your need in writing all that... are you ok? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted August 24, 2012 Report Share Posted August 24, 2012 It depends on your definition of "OK" . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted August 24, 2012 Report Share Posted August 24, 2012 When I am feeling triggered, I'm not OKwhen I am feeling threatened or angry, I can lose sight of the "big picture" and not feel okwhen I feel taken over by a part that is in pain and I feel I am not able to deal with it, I am not okwhen I feel taken over by a strident part that wants to control outcomes, I am not okBut that's just a bunch of stuff about me...Hoping to support Jai in her thread, here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted August 24, 2012 Report Share Posted August 24, 2012 Jai, I hope therapy went okay today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaiJai Posted August 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 24, 2012 the therapy session went ok. tug of war Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted August 24, 2012 Report Share Posted August 24, 2012 It's your second session, Jai, and this can take time. I hope you can give yourself some credit. It's great that your therapist is nice and things are going well. You are also gaining more self-awareness. All very positive. Maybe there can be ways to learn to stay focused for longer periods of time without drifting off. You may be able to work with your therapist to come up with a plan of action for times of stress.i get to this point and all i can think is 'i need this'.Have you thought about the deeper meaning of 'need' and what that means to you? What happens if you sit with the need for a time?I hope your therapy continues to go well.Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaiJai Posted August 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 25, 2012 mmm...a deeper meaning to "need"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted August 25, 2012 Report Share Posted August 25, 2012 Jai, I'm pleased to hear the good news about the therapy session .(I'm sorry you changed your 'avatar', because it seems to me like a nonverbal sad message .)'finding'; thanks for your kindness and also the apposite descriptions...I wasn't "OK" mostly because of being worried. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaiJai Posted August 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 25, 2012 anyone around? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devils daughter Posted August 25, 2012 Report Share Posted August 25, 2012 I was at my support group -- sorry. I hope you're OK and didn't do anything dangerous. Maybe you can do this in stages? Cut out the dangerous stuff if you "have to have" something. Or is the self-harm aspect essential, too?I think I've mentioned this before somewhere on the site -- my "addiction" of choice was to sadistically criticize and beat up on myself psychologically. It got to the point that it felt like a whip going into the muscle -- the "skin" was all whipped off and hadn't regenerated itself yet. I was too much a "good little girl" to drink or use drugs. But I couldn't get psychologically healthy continuing that habit. So I decided to switch to something more "normal" to numb the pain until I could get psychologically "well". I still frequently use alcohol at home right before I go to sleep. The professionals would not recommend that but they're not me. I never drive while under the influence -- it's late at night, why should I? And I'm not even tempted during the day. But I no longer review all the mistakes and bad things I did during the day before I go to sleep and I know that's a good thing for me.My psychiatrist gave me a prescription for a sleep drug but I don't like it as well as the alcohol (big shock!) Maybe your therapist can prescribe -- or refer you to a doc who can prescribe -- some medication to help, if you want to try it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaiJai Posted August 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 25, 2012 im an idiot. but i'm fine. sorry bout the post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted August 25, 2012 Report Share Posted August 25, 2012 Be kind to yourself, if you can. Glad you're fine.What I meant by deeper meaning, Jai, was meant to consider that possibly the need is not all about sex itself. Maybe there is more to it? Or to turn it around some, what needs (beyond the positive physical sensations) does sex meet for you, in a symbolic sense? You dont have to answer here...just maybe something to think about?I hope you are having a good night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devils daughter Posted August 25, 2012 Report Share Posted August 25, 2012 Glad you posted. If you can transfer to doing that even if you feel like an idiot, it could be an effective temporary "fix" until you learn something different. I don't think you're an idiot. I think you're brave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaiJai Posted August 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 25, 2012 no. i'm an idiot. and i'm reckless. and if i get pregnant i'm screwed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted August 25, 2012 Report Share Posted August 25, 2012 Jai the good news is it is possible to heal a dissociative state: and then as i drift into sex mode, the signal gets distorted, and whats real becomes less focused.Is there any way you could go to therapy more often for now?I know it is expensive Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaiJai Posted August 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 25, 2012 i wondered about that finding. whenever you hear dissociation discussed it's people describing an experience of watching themselves in the third person....that is not what this is at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted August 25, 2012 Report Share Posted August 25, 2012 There are many different kinds of dissociation, Jai, and I imagine they could be different for each individual as well. It may be a protective measure that you learned when you were younger as a way to cope with and manage stressful situationsMaybe there are healthier and safer means to relax and/or give your mind a breather? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devils daughter Posted August 25, 2012 Report Share Posted August 25, 2012 I had a (female) bitch mode and a (male) “antisocial”/narcissistic mode and my usual (nongender) rational mode which also contains an “agape” love for people, animals, the planet, etc.Therapy consisted of bringing those dissociated modes/”persons” into the therapy room so that they could learn about each other. Like you, I had full consciousness of my actions at all times. But I did not have full consciousness of all my feelings when I was in all modes. This is common in what is called “secondary structural dissociation”. In my case, diagnosed as DDNOS.There may be some more stuff I haven’t gotten to – like the “hurt” I just recently learned how to feel again.I haven’t lost anything by having my bitch mode and “antisocial” mode included in a more integrated consciousness. Those modes have gained, though – in terms of flexibility and options and . . . it’s hard to describe. And there's a whole lot less anxiety in general. But, yes, deciding whether or not you want to "integrate" is up to you. Some folks, especially the full DID folks (as I understand) sometimes decide they don't want to or can't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaiJai Posted August 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 26, 2012 ppfffffffeewwww...doesnt everybody have different modes? or am i out to lunch with that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devils daughter Posted August 26, 2012 Report Share Posted August 26, 2012 Not modes that "take over". Not modes that operate like an on-off switch. Not modes that have emotional memories that aren't part of your normal consciousness. Maybe yours aren't like that but I thought you said once that happened to you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaiJai Posted August 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 26, 2012 ya. it does.autopilot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devils daughter Posted August 26, 2012 Report Share Posted August 26, 2012 That's OK. It may be "different" but it's you and OK. Only if it causes you problems and is not OK with you, then maybe there are ways to do things differently. But the most important thing (I think) is to say that whatever is, is OK, because you can't change what is (or what was), but in accepting what is, then you have a chance to change what may be in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaiJai Posted August 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 26, 2012 ya, maybe. i have a hard time saying its ok, when i hurt others with my behaviour. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devils daughter Posted August 26, 2012 Report Share Posted August 26, 2012 Yeah, not having any recollection of writing stuff is kind of (well, pretty actually) dissociative, unless you were under the (extreme) influence of alcohol or drugs?I would posit (there’s a good rational-mode verb) that it’s OK to do it here . . . and if you find something out about yourself – what a wonderful opportunity. Because where else are you going to? Fortunately, with just words, and no nonverbal cues, the effect is not so hurtful.Can you also get in touch at all with the part of you who wants attention and/or to test people? That’s usually a place to start. Looking from here, I see her as a little girl, so I don’t feel a lot of blame toward her.Does your shrink have some experience with dissociation, too? Before I got the DDNOS diagnosis I had some that didn’t understand it when I was trying to express stuff that I didn’t fully understand was in semi-separate “parts”.Maybe you could look up dissociation, see if you think it fits, and if it doesn’t – well, on to something else?(btw -- I still have a very hard time accepting my enraged bitch acting out toward my daughter. I did what I could at the time -- with the consequence that I was also emotionally unavailable. arghhh. . . can't win for losing sometimes but maybe little by little, step by step, what else can we do. . .) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted August 26, 2012 Report Share Posted August 26, 2012 There is a trance state in addiction too.... so that's another angle to look at. Basically in addiction we are being control freaks about our happiness. We want our mood to change and we want it NOW.At this point, I think many addiction counselors realize that there can be a double diagnosis going on with this... people have an underlying problem they are suffering from, and addiction is a form of self medication.Classical therapy can really help heal dissociative states. Rehab, 12 steps, and also therapy, can help with addiction.Healing is about getting your needs truly met. We get to have that... so amazing! Dissociation, addiction, mental illness strategies, are all attempts at meeting needs but can't quite get there because they damage our relationship to ourselves and others along the way. From inside the grip of one of these it can feel like the only way, but there are many ways that can be genuinely helpful and healing to a person. devils daughter 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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