My anxiety or not?

[sadgreeneyes]

I have a lump in my chest..because I hate the thought of what if he is an abuser, I should feel better than I do. I dont know if its my own anxiety, like I said in my other post.

There is something I need to ask here and I hope for some facts/opinion about what I am going to ask...

As I wrote in my other post my bf said 2 days ago that he LIKES me to hear him say f*uck you to me and when I asked him how is this he didnt want to answer, he slightly shook his head "a no" ( that he wouldnt answer ) and had a wicked smile on his face like he enjoyed the moment. He remained silent.

I can count 4 occasions where my bf has hurt me emotionally..

Do you think my bf can be mentally ill?

[malign]

Greeneyes,

Anyone could be mentally ill. If you spend all your time trying to find out about them, when will you ever get to relax and care for yourself?

I definitely agree you "should feel better than [you] do", but as a guide for what to do about it, that's useless. It just tells you that there's something wrong; it doesn't tell you what is wrong or what to do about it.

Could it be your anxiety? It could. Could it be abuse? It could. People in relationships hurt each other emotionally fairly often; what matters is whether the relationship is worth it. One thought might be to try to see the situation from his side. Is it possible that you are hurting him by being continually anxious about him? One thing that does happen when we're anxious is that we see the entire world as a danger to ourselves, which keeps us from relating to the world in any other way.

In fact, to my mind, the first person we should each learn to relate to is ourselves. If we can love ourselves, if we can trust ourselves, if we can enjoy spending time with ourselves, then maybe we can try those things with others. Otherwise, it's very difficult to separate difficulties in our relationship to ourselves from difficulties in our relationship to others.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi malign,

thank you for reply...I agree in what you say and I try now to think of myself and my things and not him. But I must think about it somehow too as I dont want to spend years on someone who can be a jerk. It may be he is hurt and it may be he is abusive. I am only thinking that something is wrong...like you say.

He doesnt seem to care much...I noticed he withdraw a little when I have been wanting more...maybe its stressing him, but I also know he has more time if he really wanted to see me, as he has had it before.

I have decided to not do anything about anything concerning him, not text nor call or give him sex when he eventually calls to come over, if he does at all. He text me back yesterday saying it was my problem if I didnt understand him ( why doesnt he text or call ), I said yes but now I had no problems anymore, he asked what does that mean I had no problems anymore, I just said it means everythings good now ( when I rather was thinking screw him.) He said ok I hope so. I said I hoped too, or that I knew. ( Because I have decided for myself I will not have sex with him. Will say I have pain in the stomach. ) It makes me feel bad because it makes me feel used when its only two hours...even he sleeps over. ( I have said this before to him he says I am thinking wrong ) But my feelings are important and I dont want to FEEL used even I might not are being used .I guess I am annoying him. I just mean if he gave a little more, to show he cares things would be ok. But he doesnt care or remember doing these small things like text and give attention and to say he doesnt remember saying he doesnt want to lose me is just being an asshole in my opinion ( at least if he heard me right ) So I am done contacting him and will play it cool from now on. If he gets mad not getting sex when he has no time for me then thats his problem, as he said to me its my problem if I dont understand him ( I need a little attention )

I think saying he likes me to hear these words are not normal. I dont know is he sick or just abusive jerk or just annoyed. Only I know that he has some signs that are not good and it happens when he gets annoyed, he has admitted small things just sets him off. Like he said once he wanted to explode and hit around him. It was when I didnt understand a word he said in my language. He has had anger issues like 12 years. Once he called me sick, stupid and crazy and was 2 cm from my face. I thought he was going to hit me so I had to protect me with my hands. So I think he is an aggressive person with short comings. I dont know.

[sadgreeneyes]

Just to add : Maybe I hurt him but its because he hurts me not paying more attention to me even he knows I need it. The issues between us was that he doesnt give attention when we dont see each other, and he agreed to start pay attention, but doesnt really follow up. He cant expect things to get better when he isnt willing to do what it takes to make things good. This is reason why I give up on contacting him or give sex. Love is two way street.

This did indeed happen a couple months ago or so, he didnt have time suddenly more than sunday would I want that he asked, I said yes but when he came on that sunday and I didnt want sex he said *fuck you" to me. And wondered if we would have sex next sunday. I said I didnt know/yes/he had to wait and see. It didnt take him long time to suddenly have time more than on sundays, ( I know he has more time if he wanted ) when I said oh so he does he said maybe he didnt anyway. So to me its seems like the failure of the r/s is half his fault.

I promised myself after my short marriage to my ex narc husband that I would never ever work more than 50% in a relationship. So its time to stop care trying to wonder things about this current bf.

[Cece.dedesl]

From everything you have posted, I think the only question you should be asking yourself is "Am I happy in this relationship?".

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi cece,

I am happy when I am with him because he is caring and affectionate, the issue is that theres no attention when we cant see each other and that makes me unhappy. So it confuses me what to do. But I know that if this continue I will not be happy.

[Cece.dedesl]

I don't understand, didn't you just post that when you're together and you don't concede to sex he gets mad and treats you poorly, yet he seems to increase the time he's willing to spend with you when sex is a possibility?

[sadgreeneyes]

Yes he said *fuck you" to me a couple months ago and he suddenly seemed to have a day extra to see me as we started talk that night. And he did come on a tuesday or wednesday that next week. So it seems like he has time if he really wanted. When he said f*ck you to me he didnt get mad yelled or left, it was said calm but with a hint of "damn you for this", but not specially harmful..but yet not good, he still stayed if I remember right. But I know it doesnt make it ok he said this. After this he has stayed over and not needing to have sex a few times by his own will whether it was he was tired or just didnt want.

If he say this again or act like a jerk again I will know that he is not good, I should maybe know now but it confuses me when he just said a week ago that he loves me, that he would not lose me and would never continue this r/s if he had no intentions of marrying me. But since two days ago I am not so sure anymore about his words as he could forget having said to me he didnt want to lose me ( if he understood me ), I know well from experience that some people know the words but not the music. This makes me wonder who my bf is, genuine or a liar and user or if its me who annoys him.

But I totally agree and know that if this is how he will continue to be he will not get anything from me. It will show once and for all if he still sticks around.

[Cece.dedesl]

No one knows the true dynamics of a relationship better than those involved. I still think at the end of the day we just simply need to decide if that person makes us happy. If they do, great. If they don't, we have to move on.

Life truly is too short to be unhappy.

[sadgreeneyes]

Its only one time I didnt want sex because I wanted to see what he did and because I felt bad when he could just see me on sundays. I knew it was a lie so I didnt want sex and then he said those words. But then it has been good since and like I said a few times he didnt need or want sex, he could please me but didnt care about himself and he still hold me and was affectionate, so this makes me very confused.

[sadgreeneyes]

I agree with you and I know if he isnt willing to make some changes then this is not going to work for me in the long run.

[Cece.dedesl]

Ever think he got mad because you were playing games? Denying your partner sex just to see how he would react or try to get him to spend more time with you isn't the healthiest way to resolve relationship problems.

I'm going to give you the same advise my mom gave me. Relationships are based on honesty, communication and respect. If you are upset with your significant other, respectfully and honestly communicate with him. Games make things worse.

If you express your needs and he can not meet your needs, you either have to change your needs or move on. You won't change him.

[sadgreeneyes]

I know it can be this why he said these words...I dont know. It was after he decreased the time to only sundays ( after me having nagged a little to see him more and maybe that annoyed him so he decreased the time ), then only after he decreased the time I decided I didnt want sex that night...said to him not now when he asked for sex, then he asked would we have next sunday.. it wasnt like I said right out I dont want sex with you and was rude or cold towards him. We did hold each other when talking about this. Still after this while standing in the kitchen he said those words to me. A month ago or so I actually HAD a stomach pain and he didnt get annoyed, he stayed over and didnt do anything.

I know you are right but I also mean that if he wants to help improve the r/s he needs to meet me halfway, a woman needs attention, if she doesnt get any attention for 4 -5 days how is she going to feel... its one of the biggest reasons why women leave a man. Like why should he get sex when he isnt willing to pay attention. It just doesnt work that way.

[Cece.dedesl]

You can't use sex as a weapon, it never works unless you are drop dead gorgeous woman dating a rich Alzheimer's patient.

[sadgreeneyes]

This is what I have tried to do, I told him another day after that sunday that it makes me feel bad after making love as I dont see him, we agreed a week ago that we would text and call each other but it seems like I am the only one to remember texting.

[sadgreeneyes]

Its true he is not meeting my needs. So why should I meet his needs. Both have to meet the other ones needs or it wont work.

[sadgreeneyes]

Lol...I can say the same about a man, him not paying any attention to his women, then r/s wont work...unless he is drop dead gorgeous and are dating a rich alzheimers patient. Nothing will work if both doesnt start giving what the other need.

If its possible to use these words in this context the other way around...

[sadgreeneyes]

I said a week ago or so to myself that he is free to not bother about my needs, but then I am also free to not bother about his needs.

[Cece.dedesl]

Love is a two way street but sometimes people have different needs and expectations. You need more attention, he needs less.

You will never force him into giving you what you need. If he does concede it will be out of love and respect not because you nag him or withhold sex.

Perhaps you should try approaching this problem differently if you feel there is something worth sticking it out for.

[sadgreeneyes]

So you are right, the only thing left if nothing changes for both, then its just to move on.

[sadgreeneyes]

I know you are right, but I just feel that he could start showing me some attention first and that would make me feel better and more happy and then I would gladly give him sex. I stopped nagging 2 months ago so its a while ago. I just asked on saturday if he would come to me. He was then sleepy I think. He didnt come.

I will talk to him once again if/when he comes over. I mentioned his anger issues here and I am little afraid bringing this issue up again because he gets a little fast aggressive or defensive. I need him to try understand my needs but it seems like he doesnt. But I will give it one more try and wait a couple weeks to see if things improve from his side too. If it doesnt then he just isnt willing to care.

[sadgreeneyes]

I am not forcing him, I have just told him my needs. It is up to him if he wants to take care of those needs. I had sex with him on friday and he still doesnt care text. So I mean he is the one to fail.

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you for your replies to me,cece

[IrmaJean]

You have mentioned "giving him sex" on several occasions. How do you feel about him, SGE? Is there an emotional connection with shared affection?

Partners can meet some of our needs, but I don't think one person can perfectly meet all of our needs. It's good to be able to meet some of our own and to also have a circle of friends.

Are you able to enjoy time for yourself outside of this relationship?

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi IrmaJean,

Yes, I give him sex everytime he comes over to sleep which is 1-2 times a week, in weekends. But he himself doesnt do much or anything at all to send a text the days we dont see each other to pay some attention saying he misses me or loves me or just something nice. Which we agreed upon. I could as well not exist for him 5 days. And thats not acceptable to me.

The problem is not that he is busy...I know he is busy...but he could take time to see me a little more if he really wanted and I dont understand how he can expect sex every time HE choses to come over and when he doesnt do anything to pay some attention. He is not brain dead. I mean he doesnt say he expect sex, but that is what happens we have sex, so I will not have sex with him next time and tell him that he still doesnt meet my needs as he promised and how that makes me feel. It will my last attempt to make him understand. I will say it to him nicely.

I know I sound upset I am having a hard time him not texting me when he promised to start do so.

I feel we have an emotional connection when we are making love and are together but he is different in public like on a sunday he is reserved and treated me like a friend. Like he doesnt want to be seen with me. Whne we got closer to town he didnt want to hold my hand anymore, like he stuffed his hand in his pocket, but then next sunday he kissed me at the library there were not many people there. It confuses me. I thought its because I am 10 years older ( I look up to 10 years younger and he thought I was younger I thought he was little older than he is. He say I am thinking wrong and that he doesnt care age and what other people say. But his actions tells me otherwise. But in summer time when he had no school we were out but mostly not where there were much people.

He just seems to be not that into me. Even he has said he loves me and said he is interested and all he has said. His actions dont match his words. There are plenty of stuff on the web also that show clear signs he isnt that into you and so on...

I have feelings for him and will be sad without him. Maybe with a mix of sadness because I feel I am being used again and that pain would be unbearable.

4 days ago things were quite ok, I enjoy myself when I can or want to, but as I have depression and insomnia/sleep problems ( I have now gotten sleeping pills to be able to sleep ) its a limit what I have energy to do.

My bf is not meeting my needs for attention, its not difficult touching his phone after work, even a child can do that, if he did care he would pay attention, but instead he goes 5 days without contacting me, that is neither caring or loving. Thats why I mean why should I meet his sexual needs when he doesnt want to meet my needs.

Before he texted me and called from work in his break, one time he said I could text him even he didnt text me back and even I didnt get any respond back for days telling me he was saving money ( I found that odd ) and two weeks ago he wondered why I had not text him and was blown off balance when he heard I was afraid nagging and that he would be angry. He said are you joking. I said no. Still he never text me. I find that nuts.