My anxiety or not?

[sadgreeneyes]

I am home from town now...he never called me so my instincts were right about that. I just sent him 3 texts and said he is not a good person, that I see that now. A second were I said I never wait more and a third that I gave him my heart because I thought he cared about me but that I was wrong.

He has shown me he doesnt love me, he doesnt even care about me.

If he ever cared he would never be able to treat me like this.

I sent one more text and a sure last one, a true muslim I dont see it..

[sadgreeneyes]

And I said I hope he is satisfied now that he is rid of me..I said this because I really think he has wanted to bring me to the breaking point and so I would end it myself and do the job for him...or he has been thinking he can get away with the manipulation not being able or willing to give any emotional attention. Throwing out the "then you have to find another emotional anchor", to instigate that. Or giving the silent treatment.

One cannot have a healthy relationship when there is emotional neglect from one partner.

Anyway I hope he is satisfied..if he didnt want to lose me he would react...and not be totally ignorant and selfish.

Its not my job to change him.

I dont wait for such a man anymore, like I did with my ex narc husband. I know I deserve much more.

[sadgreeneyes]

Maybe some of you think I was harsh with my words to him, but I dont feel guilty saying these words as I keep reminding myself that he has said far worse words to me, like cursing and name calling me,and he never apologized. Plus he didnt care giving any attention even he knew thats what I needed. My words to him were all in all the truth, as what he shows me is he has no care for me. And he must know this himself out from his actions.

I have found reassurance online...so not to "start" feeling guilty...as I have read how a relationship is meant to be. It says and I know its true..:

"Keep in mind that our purpose for being in a relationship is to feel that we are not alone and that we have someone to love and someone loves us back. If he makes her feel unimportant and there is no meaning in the relationship, then he is sabotaging the core of the same relationship he needs."

He had no time for me even he actually had if he wanted. If I should accept neither see him or hear from him in 6 days or more, what relationship would that be, what would be left, there wouldnt be any relationship.

But thats ok, he can give the silent treatment or whatever he is doing, he knows he cannot have valued the relationship at all and he certainly cannot have spoken truth when he said he loved me just two weeks ago and the rest he said...if those words were true he could not possible detach like he has. It just doesnt work this way if a healthy person has feelings for someone.

[randomperson]

So good to see messages from my friends on here. Hi sadgreneyes! I don't think I'll be back on for a bit.. just thought I would tell you some life stories that might help you before I go.

My ex the one that is so much like the guy you see, I got weak and went back to her.. and things kept repeating over and over. Then something happened the woman I met on a dating site and cared a lot for (that gave me hope but stopped talking to me).. I mentioned her back in here somewhere. She OD and went into a coma. It was a reality check for me.. my ex was starting down this same path. It was a path I didn't want to follow. I was just tired. Ex actually wanted to visit me this Spring.. but I said no. I actually said no to what I was on here dreaming about for so long lol.

Often the things you think you want in life is only a mirage for the deeper truths.

What relationships or spots in life you are in, I hope these words help

Take care my friend I hope you are happy or if not find happiness soon!

As for my friend I saw a miracle! They said she wouldn't come off life support or get out of the coma. She has done both thanks to prayer!! She still has very severe brain damage and no one is sure how much she will heal.. it is in God's hands.

But this is the second time she has inspired my life and helped me.

[IrmaJean]

I don't think that other people "cause" our feelings, though their behaviors can bring things up for us. This is usually about us. Maybe what is significant for you to look at is your feelings of being unimportant?

I think we are hard-wired to connect with other human beings. We're social beings and this is a need. When we love another, we are able to make connections with ourselves. We become open to experiencing the joy of life. However, if we focus entirely on the other person's possible motivations and with trying to decipher the meanings of their behaviors and responses, we may lose sight of ourselves.

It's really difficult to get a clear picture from here of your boyfriend and whether or not he is abusive toward you. I think you would know best about that. You can't know why he has stopped contacting you or what that might mean for him, but you do know how you feel and what you need. If you feel it is best for you to move on and away from this relationship, then I hope you move forward and heal from this. I hope you find someone who treats you with respect, kindness, and care. I hope you are able to feel love for yourself, too.

Take care.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi random and IrmaJean,

Well I know that much that if a person care about your well being he/she would pay attention to your needs, they do not continue ignoring it. That is poison to a relationship.

Of course other people can cause our feelings, if someone hurt you on purpose its a reaction from that person who did hurt/harm you. On the other side I agree with you IrmaJean as it depends on what the hurtful words were. When you know the different, you will know if the feelings are coming from yourself ( who you are and what you are thinking, your own issues) or if they are caused by someone else. Swearing and name calling ARE abusive. Ignoring a spouses/gf/bfs feelings and needs as "a pattern" IS abusive. Its a lack of care, lack of respect and lack of valuing that person. His bad jokes ARE abusive.

I have certainly a clear picture of my bf now.

I love myself enough to know I dont deserve to have my feelings and needs thrown in the trash for weeks.

Many people dont know much about abuse and the signs, when you know them and start to see a pattern whatever the pattern consist of, you will know what is abusive or not. I have been there being abused before, so I know what is abusive or not.

Take care too.

[IrmaJean]

Of course other people can cause our feelings' date=' if someone hurt you on purpose its a reaction from that person who did hurt/harm you.[/quote']

I'm not an expert by any means, Greeneyes, and I always want to be very gentle, but this was something I learned in therapy. We are responsible for our own feelings and responses. This is not to excuse the cruelty of others or to disrespect or minimize your feelings. I would always want you to feel heard, respected, and understood. What it can do is offer you a different way of looking at things. This can actually give control back to you and be empowering. When another person's behaviors trigger a painful response in you, you have the power to heal yourself. How can you focus now on healing?

[sadgreeneyes]

I know what you mean IrmaJean. Its true we are responsible for how we chose to react to others, whether they are people who harm us or not. I could have avoided saying I see now he is not a good person and that I dont see he is a true muslim, I could have spoken once again what I need, what I want, what this and what that, but to no avail just once again. His indifference,( note : he did go the whole week not contacting me even he said that last saturday we would meet that next week ) , he never contacted me and that made me just p*ssed off to say the least. I am sorry my language but I waited the whole week not contacting or annoying him as he said we would meet that next week and he didnt, he just goes on like I dont exist. And everything was fine that saturday, we even made love friday before and suddenly he treats me like I dont exist. And I did nothing to cause it. He should know that my reactions to him was of him not contacting me at all like he said he would.

Nothing causes resentment, anger and bitterness more than being neglected time after time and being met with indifference and even not keeping his words we would meet. So I said I see now he is not a good person. He did in fact show me he wasnt.

In this case, this has, in my eyes, become a toxic relationship which I refuse to be a part of unless he would wake up to the fact he failed to consider my feelings and needs. I know I have done right thing, I cannot change him, he has to change himself if he wants, it will be in vain trying to talk to him over and over, the only way to stop a relationship that has become toxic is to step up and speak your mind with a strong reality. If they still dont change there is nothing one can do.

If he cannot be a 50% part understanding and do something himself to make it work then what does he want from me. In my opinion nothing.

I am not angry at anyone here and apologize if I seem to be, I am just so angry on this happening, I think because I have gone through this before, trying to make it work with someone who was a narcissist, ignoring me, yes now I understand maybe what you mean IrmaJean...about triggering emotions, it just went up a light , but yet my bf is acting like he does and I am just finish working and exhausting myself on a person who is more busy with his own life and have no time for me, its my bfs choice and if thats what he wants then I see no reason to try anymore, he has a brain and he is intelligent enough to know what has gone wrong and what the reason is.

I am sorry I seem so angry, its just too much for me experiencing yet another man who said he loved me just two weeks ago, and then show no interest out of the blue. I could about explode because I gave myself to my bf, my heart, and he took it and now...out of the blue he has no time again, he has done this before. Last time I though it was because I nagged a little on him, but when not getting sex that sunday he suddenly had time again. And now when I havent been nagging (I just asked once if we would see each other), and suddenly he has no time again. Like a game. Its just too much. I am so angry because all my life I have given of myself and I never get anything in return.

Hopefully my anger is healthy and when you talk about healing I hope that this anger is part of healing...I am walking around in my flat being angry along with crying sometimes..maybe my anger wont allow me to cry so much or it is me who has become stronger and see the unfairness and things for what it is....I feel more anger than ever before..but its only when thinking about how he treats me..

Much love,

sadgreeneyes

[malign]

Feelings. What a complicated subject, especially to try to put into words. {Of course, I'm going to try. Bear in mind: my opinion only.}

Feelings are our sensors for interpersonal information, just like we can feel heat or cold to tell us about the physical world. They're simple like that, too: I can tell warm from hot, maybe, but not an exact temperature or why the thing is hot. "Why" always takes thought; the feeling itself is just a raw fact, like pain or anger. I can tell "like" from "love", but it would take thought to answer why I feel that way.

Just like with hot or cold, we have some control over our response to what we feel. We can gradually become accustomed, for good or ill, to extremes of heat or cold, for instance. If we work outdoors in the cold, that might be a good thing; if we put ourselves at risk by going out in the cold without a coat, it might be bad. The important point is that we make the value judgment using thought and reason; the feeling just gives us the information to base our decision on.

It's natural to think that we feel something because someone did something, like they caused it. But that thinking does make us feel somewhat powerless. If we're going to feel bad every time some other person does a particular thing, it seems as if we're at the mercy of their choice. That does not mean that we should just get used to them doing it and pretend we don't feel bad, though; that would be like ignoring the feeling of a hot stove. On the other hand, we can't expect that just because we tell them we feel bad, they're going to change. That would be claiming all the power for ourselves.

The reality is in between: if we tell them and they care, a compromise can be worked out; if we tell them and they don't care, we get to make our own decision, perhaps to leave or to protect ourselves more. In the end, it doesn't matter if the other person is "abusive", "mentally ill", or "narcissistic", but simply whether we want to spend time with them. So you see, the power is entirely ours. Feelings are our sensors, our data gatherers, and our hearts and minds are how we decide. And, sometimes we need to use our feet and leave.

[sadgreeneyes]

Thats true malign, I think I understand your explanation. Its true the power are ours to own. In this case, I started to see that this r/s was one sided and it was just to leave it. To me it doesnt matter whether he is just an abuser or a narcissist or whatever, point is he is not a good person.

If we werent born with our sensors we would not have known what would feel safe or unsafe, bad or good.

Either the spirit is nourished or it is diminished. It takes great self esteem to recognize when one is diminished, I struggled a long time after learning about abuse, was I being abused, diminished or not. But today I dont struggle much with that.

[sadgreeneyes]

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[IrmaJean]

It's okay to feel angry, SadGreenEyes. I hear you. I hope you can turn your focus now to yourself and to healing. I wish you serenity. Take care.

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you, IrmaJean.

[sadgreeneyes]

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[sadgreeneyes]

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[sadgreeneyes]

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