Really really low.

[Kitkat1993x]

SORRY IT'S SO LONG, PLEASE DON'T FEEL YOU HAVE TO READ ALL OF IT, I'VE INDICATED THE BIT I NEED TO BE READ IN ITALICS.

I have been diagnosed with Dysthymia/Chronic Depression after having Clinical Depression for near enough 10 years.

I had a nervous breakdown at the age of 9 after my Grandfather whom I loved dearly passed away from Cancer.

I didn't go to school for a year, didn't leave the house, was home tutored, got VERY angry and destroyed the house constantly...I was vile during that year.

Basically, to cut a long story short I have self-harmed for 2 years and have 8 suicide attempts to my name in just under 2 years. Doesn't sound a lot but it has got me about 6 hospital admissions and 3 A&E visits for glueing in an even shorter amount of time.

I write poems when I'm stressed. So like, basically, the poem's about my head, but it's on paper. So, all my thoughts and feelings and emotions spill out into a poem and I can't control the darkness of these poems. My most recent one was written in the form of a suicide note titled 'No tears shall fall'. I guess that shows you how highly (ha) I think of myself and how much I think about suicide. I showed it to my STR worker and she referred me back to the crisis team, aka Hospital At Home for my area (I don't know if it's changed in all areas) and wanted me hospitalized as I have definite plans, the means and the motive to kill myself at any second.

I had the assessment for hospitalization this afternoon in which they said that they couldn't help me and hospital wasn't the right place for me as I'm too young and not the typical 'diagnosis' for hospitalization. Unlike schizophrenia, psychosis, dementia, etc.

I was waiting in ALL day today for an answer. They rang me back and told me they weren't taking me onto their caseload because I was having a lot of input from my Care Coordinator and STR worker and that they couldn't do anything else for me.

Why won't they help me? Why wouldn't they section me and lock me away and keep me safe? I don't know, I'm confused. A MASSIVE part of me wants to run away and hang myself like I've planned for days and nights now...but a tiny part of me is hanging on to whatever the hell it is that's keeping me here. It might sound sad, but my animals need me to look after them, so I owe it to them really to stay here at least til Christmas. After Christmas, who knows if I'll make it to January...I really really really do not want to be alive anymore. I have nothing to give, nothing left to offer, nothing worth having, I'm not worth loving, I'm not worth being here, I'm not worth living. I'm so so depressed and I feel like no-one really truly understands how bad I feel.

I'm sorry .

[ThePetPerson]

Please, hang on. I'm hanging on, too.

[malign]

Eight attempts does sound like a lot.

One thought about not being admitted: instead of feeling unworthy, you could take it as their belief that you are not only worthy but safer than you think.

Is it possible that you are asking them to tell you that you're important enough to lock up?

I don't know the British system well enough to know, but is it possible to talk to those caregivers that you do have available? For instance, it's clear that the STR worker cares about your situation; is there anything you can do to work with her on a safety plan, instead of suicide plans? Too, what else did the hospital assessment say? Did it include information about what you should do, instead of hospital?

"Too young" is an interesting description; how old do you have to be? How old are you?

I spent a fair amount of time, myself, thinking about suicide, and once checked myself in to a hospital for a week, so rest assured I'm not taking your feelings lightly. There are people who know how you feel, and you might even find them among your care workers.

In fact, "No Tears Shall Fall" seems likely to be the depression talking, instead of reality. Do you have any family, or friends who can help you through this crisis?

[IrmaJean]

I'm so sorry you're hurting this much, KitKat. We are here and listening. There are people out there who care. I believe that all of us are lights and yours can shine too. You can find your way to it. Is there someone there with you who is supportive and can help you keep yourself safe?

[Kitkat1993x]

Eight attempts does sound like a lot.

One thought about not being admitted: instead of feeling unworthy, you could take it as their belief that you are not only worthy but safer than you think.

Is it possible that you are asking them to tell you that you're important enough to lock up?

I don't know the British system well enough to know, but is it possible to talk to those caregivers that you do have available? For instance, it's clear that the STR worker cares about your situation; is there anything you can do to work with her on a safety plan, instead of suicide plans? Too, what else did the hospital assessment say? Did it include information about what you should do, instead of hospital?

"Too young" is an interesting description; how old do you have to be? How old are you?

I spent a fair amount of time, myself, thinking about suicide, and once checked myself in to a hospital for a week, so rest assured I'm not taking your feelings lightly. There are people who know how you feel, and you might even find them among your care workers.

In fact, "No Tears Shall Fall" seems likely to be the depression talking, instead of reality. Do you have any family, or friends who can help you through this crisis?

Hi, malign, thank you for replying.

I guess it does. It just doesn't to many people, they're just like 'and?' haha.

I don't know, I have a real insecurity in whether I matter or not. I guess I take everything as failure and rejection.

Yes, I will be talking to my STR worker tomorrow as she didn't ring me this afternoon like the hospital assessment promised. She knows how desperate I am and how I have to be willing to change in order to recover from this and at the moment, all I want to do is die. No, the assessment wasn't much apart from discussing my situation and my plans and possible hospitalization. They didn't suggest anything to do apart from to play on the Nintendo Wii for 10 minutes a day to distract myself. I found something more productive to do and cleaned the kitchen after they left instead to take out my frustration and sadness.

Yes I guess it is. I don't know as I was hospitalized in an adolescent unit AND an adult unit, and now they're saying it's not the right environment for a 19 year old. I'm 20 next May. The unit is for 18-100 year olds with Dementia, Psychotic Illnesses and Scizophrenia, as well as suicide risks, Depression...it's also not an Eating Disorder unit which is what I've been hospitalized for twice this year and last year once in different places.

My STR/Care worker is VERY supportive and understands how I feel with the Depression/Dysthymia/Chronic Depression/Whatever it is, but she's never been through it herself which is why I thought this forum would be helpful. A friend recommended I went on it and I thought 'why not'.

Thank you for being so kind and caring, I really appreciate your support. x

[Kitkat1993x]

I'm so sorry you're hurting this much, KitKat. We are here and listening. There are people out there who care. I believe that all of us are lights and yours can shine too. You can find your way to it. Is there someone there with you who is supportive and can help you keep yourself safe?

Thank you, IrmaJean, I really appreciate your concern and your listening ear. I hope they care, I just feel like I'm beyond help right now and the only way to get out of this pain is to kill myself. The light metaphor is beautiful, I'll use that again! Yes, I have a very supportive friend who's miles away but we talk every day and she's also struggling so we fight through it together even though are diagnoses are entirely different. My parents are supportive and do so much for me but they don't really understand. I don't know how to keep myself safe, all my medication is locked in a safe 'cause I overdosed on it constantly...

I hope you're okay x

[malign]

My hospitalization was in a mixed emergency psych ward (and in the States, so bound to be different.) I was in my forties, and I have to admit that it was a little difficult (scary) that there were psychotic patients on the ward (though none were violent.) Of course, I know more about psychotic illness now than I did then ...

At nineteen, you're certainly old enough to feel bad, though I can understand that they might prefer you to get help in a less oppressive environment. One thing I meant to ask is whether anything happened two years ago when your current series of symptoms began?

[Kitkat1993x]

My hospitalization was in a mixed emergency psych ward (and in the States, so bound to be different.) I was in my forties, and I have to admit that it was a little difficult (scary) that there were psychotic patients on the ward (though none were violent.) Of course, I know more about psychotic illness now than I did then ...

At nineteen, you're certainly old enough to feel bad, though I can understand that they might prefer you to get help in a less oppressive environment. One thing I meant to ask is whether anything happened two years ago when your current series of symptoms began?

Oh right, that doesn't sound good at all, that sounds pretty scary. I was in the 'acute' section of the mental health wards. I was in with some violent patients, I remember one that used a plant pot from the lounge to smash the window. God that was scary, I leapt up from the chair and ran back to my room!

Yes I understand that too, as they argued that you could become institutionalized and 'patient-like' in an oppressive environment like hospital.

I don't think so, I was in my last year of College and was getting stressed about it and my Anorexia relapsed BADLY and I started taking diet pills at the age of 17 which my friend who was a couple of stone heavier than me, bought for me. (I know, I know, it's so bad) It got to one night that I'd taken more pills than I should have and I was shaking and cold-sweating and crying and panicking and I couldn't breathe and I told my Mum's friend everything and she came and told my Mum and I got admitted to hospital. It wasn't til I came out of hospital (having been moved from a private hospital to an NHS hospital on my 18th birthday) that I started thinking about committing suicide. I'd had suicidal thoughts for a long time but never acted on them. I took my first overdose a couple of months after coming out of the Psych Hospital. I think it made me worse. I've been depressed, as I say, since I was 9, but suicidal since 17. I guess I just had enough of fighting 24/7.

I think about suicide, I act on suicide, I dream about suicide, I visualize suicide...I can never get any release from it...

I just want to act on it. To go. To die.

[malign]

Is it doing something for you?

I know that my primary reason for my suicidal thoughts was dealing with the verbal abuse of my now-ex-wife. I couldn't see any other way out of my situation (divorce didn't seem to be an option, to me at the time), and I think I even got some comfort out of thinking that there was a way out, even if it was fatal.

Of course your situation is different, but maybe there's something that seems even worse than death, that suicidal thinking is protecting?

[Kitkat1993x]

Is it doing something for you?

I know that my primary reason for my suicidal thoughts was dealing with the verbal abuse of my now-ex-wife. I couldn't see any other way out of my situation (divorce didn't seem to be an option, to me at the time), and I think I even got some comfort out of thinking that there was a way out, even if it was fatal.

Of course your situation is different, but maybe there's something that seems even worse than death, that suicidal thinking is protecting?

Is what doing something for me, sorry?

I'm so sorry for the abuse you suffered from your ex-wife. That's not right at all. Yes, I see what you mean.

I don't know, I have MASSIVE self-contempt so that's probably the root of both my Depression and Anorexia.

[IrmaJean]

I have MASSIVE self-contempt so that's probably the root of both my Depression and Anorexia.

Maybe one place to start would be to become very aware of your self-talk. Why do you think you are so harsh on yourself? Self-compassion and the relationship we have with ourselves can be very important to our emotional health and well-being. You might try to think of treating yourself as you would treat a friend, with kindness, compassion, and respect. I understand that would likely be very difficult to do if you are in deep depression. Maybe it helps to consider the possibility of what that might look like at first. A therapist can help you to work with cognitive distortions.

I hope you can find your way to hope, KitKat.